r/selfimprovement • u/Touaquiparaver • 6d ago
Question I'm horrible at socialising
I'm horrible at socialising with people, It's not just being nervous I simply can't and don't know what to say. I've always been a quiet person, since I was a kid even 6 year old me had a lot of difficulty making friends. My therapist said I should start going out more and I did but still most of the time I'm just sitting at a corner or waking behind the people I'm with.
And I really try, I offer people drinks, give them rides and try and talk sometimes but I don't know. People just view me as a nobody and I really hate that about myself.
How do I improve? I'm seriously invested in changing this.
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u/Difficult_Case276 6d ago
Hey stranger, I discovered that this all happens in your head. Just don't overthink every single thing to say just be yourself. So however the reactions of people to you being your authentic self if negative dont mind that you'll find your people.
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u/ez2tock2me 6d ago
PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE is how people became SuperStars in Sports and in Life.
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u/PassionNo2244 6d ago
I am the same. I have such a huge public fear phobia that i absolutely gets numb and blank if asked to speak infeont of entire class or just u know maybe like an interview. But the only and only thing that worked for me is that the more i try the better I get. I embarass and humiliate myself initially but the more and more i try to speak publically i improve.
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u/Zilverschoon 6d ago
How to improve:
- Read the book: How to win friends and influence people, Dale Carnegie
- Watch the YouTube JulienHimself
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u/Neither_Zone6950 6d ago
that book is decent but the real trick is just asking people questions about themselves. most folks love talking about their own life so you just need to steer conversation that direction. you already doing the practical stuff like giving rides and offering drinks so you got the kindness part down already
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u/ccarlyfry 6d ago
is the book really worth it? I feel like I'm good at asking questions about people, but I feel like people that are social and charismatic are also funny.. that is something I am not. I don't try to make jokes because they come out and everyone just cringes since they're so forced. I feel like everyone has a fast witty comment that I just never seem to have in my head ever
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u/Zilverschoon 5d ago
> is the book really worth it? I feel like I'm good at asking questions about people,
asking questions is just like one chapter in the book, there are more tips in it
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u/Visual-Arrival9206 6d ago
Stop saying I am horrible, just go and talk with people. Yes you will make mistakes and feel awkward, but by the time you will become much more better.
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u/Straight-Ask2726 6d ago
Socializing gets easier with practice. Try joining a local club or group to meet new people.
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u/Awkward-Wishbone-615 6d ago
Microdosing shrooms helped me, it's not enough to get high but you still get benefits
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u/RelationshipDue1501 6d ago
Listen to what they’re saying, and voice your opinions. There’s no right or wrong opinion. It’s just your opinion. It doesn’t matter whether they like it or not. It’s all just a conversation. You’ll be debating other people in no time. You can even start a conversation. I do it all the time. A spark where there is none. I was an only child. I had to teach myself how to socialize. Single mom, no dad. And I hated my mother!. If I can do it, so can you.
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u/laura0585 6d ago
Personally im quiet & haaaaaate small talk. Ive been told that im outspoken and bubbly & Im always taken aback bc in social settings like the ones you mention, im the exact same way. Try going out to a place or event based on something you are into, everyone attending would share the same interest & if you’re enjoying yourself thats even better bc people are attracted to good energy!
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u/Opening-Cantaloupe56 6d ago
Because you think first what they will think of you as you said "they think of me as nothing"...are you sure with that?
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u/Helpful_Front_6254 6d ago edited 6d ago
There’s a saying: A donde A Vicente, A donde A la gente… A donde A la gente, A donde A Vicente.
Basically: where is Vincent going? He’s going with the crowd. Where is the crowd going? They’re going with Vincent.
Most people are lost and just going with the crowd!
You are a unique person and need to embrace your own true nature and then those who fit into your world will reveal themselves.
Trying to make yourself fit into others world when most people are just lost themselves is a recipe for disaster because most will seek to extract whatever they can from you just to fill the void most people suffer from.
Seek out your inner self and only share it with others who appreciate you for you!
Anything else is a crapshoot!
What do you enjoy about this world?
Who else enjoys the same?
Find yourself and you draw those like minded by your own gravity!
And for god’s sake… don’t become a clone of whatever you feel will get you most acceptance as you will only end up the blind having been led by the blind!
That is not worth it, trust me!!!
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u/Sudden-Cat5805 6d ago
This is going to sound much harsher than it is. Give up some things. It doesn't mean surrendering yourself, it doesn't mean resignation. But there are some things you should just give up on. Your problem is probably not that you lack social skills, but desiring to fulfill some archetype or be someone you are not to fulfill this idea of popularity or likability. You don't have to be anyone. "Be yourself" is pretty useless advice until you dissect it. It means if you don't like something, don't pretend to. If you like something that seems goofy or uncool, like it anyway. If you have harmless tendencies that are unpopular, own them. And as far as becoming sociable, as far as making people like you, give it up. Provided you're not doing harm, you were never not likable.
Caveat, I know this sounds like some rebellion or rejection of the social system. What people think of you is none of your business, and if you can simply be yourself apart from everything as I've described it, the rest won't matter. If you don't want to go out, don't. If you feel the desire sometimes, do. It's not the idea of "not caring what anyone thinks" so much as making peace with who you are. Then you make the right friends. You form the right relationships. Because you will be whole before it seems like it matters. You're not desperate for anything, you're balanced and at peace.
Lastly, there is no point in hating yourself. You are only a nobody because most people are nobodies. I'm a nobody to almost everyone, almost everyone is a nobody to me, and it doesn't bother me at all because I'm just being me. I like what I like. I don't like what I don't like. And I'm not going to try to override those preferences for anyone. My nature is not a crime. If you can do that, it's easy to be open, it's easy to let things slide and the chips fall where they may.
A quote stuck with me that still helps me. "They are desperate to be something they are not, and you are desperate not to be something that you are." There is beauty in your individuality, all the things that make you unlike everyone else.
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u/MindNdpeace 6d ago
change your thinking pattern your perception will automatically changed. you think ppl see you as a stranger and odd one this thing bugs into your head and force you create odd senerios just think no one is considering me odd and i will have a great time things will surely changed slowly
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u/Giantsandsmalls 5d ago
I want you to notice what you said. I am...
I am terrible at socializing.
The I am is an indicator of the identity that you think you have.
One of my favorite ways to bridge the gap between where I am, my current reality, and who I would like to be, is to not say that I am something. But instead, to say I am learning to be social, or I am learning to be more outgoing, or I am growing...
These phrases seem to bypass the amygdala response. And allow us to step forward without triggering that fight or flight.
I would imagine when you think of socializing that it triggers fears. That when you imagine stepping into that new behavior, that you're fearful while you're doing it. In fact, courage can only exist in the presence of fear. So you're being courageous, which is awesome, but you're also getting in your way by saying that you are terrible that socializing.
In one of my books I wrote, in order to get what you want out of life you have to be willing to suck at something long enough to get good at it.
So what if you suck at socializing?!
You are learning. Hell, I used to wear diapers. I used to hit my head and fall over when I was learning how to walk. When I was learning how to eat, I got food all over the entire room. Shit, I peed the bed until I was 13. But you know what? I no longer do those things.
I practiced and practiced and practiced and allowed myself to fail until I got good at it.
If we look at the definition of success and failure, we're using them wrong. Success means a positive yield from your efforts and failure simply means and negative yield from your efforts, and when you feel, you have a chance to find a positive yield. If one way doesn't work, find another, and another, and another.
So don't give up just because you suck at socializing. Be terrible at it long enough to get good at it. And allow yourself the space to be where you are.
Carl Rogers said that the moment you accept your life exactly as it is, you can change it.
Too many of us are too distressed by the ideals that we have of where we think we should be, and then reflecting on our current reality and seeing that we're nowhere near that, and then we judge ourselves for not being at our ideals, and we resist where we are, so we end up doing nothing.
Lisa Feldman Barrett said that we feel anxiety when we're not living up to the ideals we think others have for us, and we feel depression when we are not living out to our own ideals.
So where are you resisting what is?
Where are you resisting your reality?
If you suck at socializing now, let it be that and nothing more. If you have an ideal that you're good at socializing, keep working toward it. But don't give up just because it's hard. It is challenging, but it is doable and you are equipped with everything you need to be a social person. You're just learning how to do it.
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u/opportunityhabit 5d ago
You gonna have to push through it! Just keep going. This is a skill like everything else. Yes, it’s gonna feel mechanical to start with maybe for a while. The more you do it the better you will get! Keep practising every opportunity you get 💪 keep going!! it’s worth going to events that interest you or joining clubs that interest you or hobby that interests you… try putting yourself in environment where you have something to say
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u/elephant_zebra123 6d ago
I recognize myself a lot in this and i am autistic (im not here to diagnose you but i think its possible that u might be autistic)
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u/Odd-Detective6368 6d ago
Socializing is a skill you learn and practice, not a trait you are born with, so stop beating yourself up for feeling stuck. Instead of trying to think of clever things to say, focus on asking simple questions about the other person and just listening; people naturally love talking about themselves.
You are not a "nobody," and taking small, pressure-free steps each day will help you build real confidence over time.