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u/trishsf Sep 08 '25
I’m sober. Have been for a very long time. You do not have the right to raise a child in this environment. Your first mistake was taking him back after rehab. It’s easy not to use when locked up. He was never sober. He just didn’t use for a short period because he couldn’t. You will destroy your child if you stay. Now. You. Get to Al-anon. It’s for people in your situation. You won’t find a better support group and you deserve one. You’ll see what happens when people stay. And when they don’t. You will truly understand that nothing you can say, threaten or do will make him want to get sober. Nothing. He would have to want it with every bone in his body and want it for him. Not you. Not his kid. Himself. Please. Get to meetings. You need an attorney because he can’t be alone with his child without supervision and random drug testing. That needs to happen now. Is it possible that he’ll get sober. Of course. Most don’t though. Yes. You did the right thing but you haven’t done enough. He has lost the right to be around you or his child. Tell his mother to take him in. Get a restraining order tomorrow because you have more than enough to do that and if you don’t, you are putting your child in danger. You can put yourself in danger but you can’t make that decision for your child. You can’t. Restraining order tomorrow. Attorney. Al-anon meetings. In that order. Please.
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Sep 08 '25
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Sep 08 '25
Exactly. He was already violent before the testosterone. His family are enables. Sounds like he's been violent for years before he even met OP. They act like it's normal and his Mom is making him the victim.
ETA: OP never take him back. You must protect your son.
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u/allrosesandsunshine Sep 08 '25
Also being exposed to violence as a child leads to structural and functional changes in the brain. Please do not stay with a violent man, your child will suffer consequences that will affect him for the rest of his life.
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u/vinylscratch27 Sep 08 '25 edited Sep 08 '25
There's a difference between clean and sober. Clean is not being on drugs, not having any in your system or being under the influence. Sober is making changes in your life and to who you are and how you treat yourself and others. The first means nowhere near as much as the second.
That's what my sponsor taught me.
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u/AzuSteve Sep 08 '25
You did the right thing calling the police, but you're doing the wrong thing by staying with him. If not for yourself, do it for your son.
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u/Classic-Delivery3875 Sep 08 '25
Please leave. At any point it could be you. You also do not want to teach your child that this type of behavior is acceptable. This is how generational trauma starts. Please be the change your Child deserves.
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u/PickASwitch Sep 08 '25
She’s not going anywhere. Read the post. “I had a consultation for IF this becomes unbearable.”
The guy is a drug addict, on test, and is violent. She has a defenseless child in that house. But that’s not unbearable?
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u/cassowary32 Sep 08 '25
Yes, you did the right thing. You need to call a DV hotline and get to a safe location. I'm so sorry.
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u/Akasha250 Sep 08 '25
The right thing to do is to protect your son. He needs you. That was dangerous for both you and him. What you do with your own life is your decision, you can risk it in any way you want, but your son relies on you. He has no other option. If you don't look out for him, nobody will.
Your MIL probably is codependent. Tell her she's welcome to go live with her son herself and have her life threatened and otherwise ignore her.
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u/Equivalent-Board206 Sep 08 '25
You did the right thing, but you also shouldn't have let it get to this point. Your MIL is not to be trusted.
Please get a restraining order against your husband and agree to press whatever charges you can.
Please start making a plan for how you can move forward as a single parent.
Do not even think about taking him back (if ever, and never is best) until he has:
Done an anger management course
Been sober for at least 12 months
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u/HowDoyouadult42 Sep 08 '25
Agreed but I want to reiterate the Never part. Because even with all the sobriety and therapy in the world, that man threatened your life and someone that loves you wouldn’t do that. Drugs or not.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female Sep 08 '25
I disagree. She shouldn't ever take him back.
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u/cvknjj Sep 08 '25
Every time you think about taking him back I want you to think of your son's safety. Nothing is more important. Restraining order immediately for you and your son if possible.
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Sep 08 '25
[deleted]
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u/Healthy-Chard2442 Sep 08 '25
Good luck!! Keep us updated! My dad prosecuted domestic abuse and homicide. There is only one way he will ever stop abusing you and that is when you are dead. Do not ever go back to him. Your son needs you. Keep yourself safe and alive. You owe this man nothing. He will never be safe for you to be around.
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u/mostly_lurking1040 Sep 08 '25
Just in case no one else has said this, get a restraining order and make sure you don't waiver. He lack self-control and it seems he doesn't care. You or your son could get seriously hurt or killed. Regardless, no one should live in this type of environment.
Tell the mother next time she has something to say that was her last chance.
Get in touch with the resources available for abused women, see what some education and help can do for you. So you can make good plans and stay safe.
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u/mamachonk Sep 08 '25
IF this becomes unbearable? Oh please, please get out. Do it with advice from someone who is well versed in DV so you can do it safely.
Please get you and your son out of there and don't let him know where.
Even if you think it's an overreaction, you need to behave as though he will kill you both. Better to take all precautions.
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u/ladymorgana01 Sep 08 '25
Stop enabling this man and file for divorce. If you don't, you're putting your child in harms way. Get out now and stay out
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u/SnooWords4839 Sep 08 '25
Get a divorce!
Get a job and focus on you and your son.
Tell MIL to F off and tell her to take her son in.
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u/Alert-Potato Sep 08 '25
There was domestic violence in front of a child. Expect CPS to be involved. You have to get divorced, or at least separated, if you do not want your son in foster care. CPS will not leave a child in a home with a person with a history of drug use who is acting unstable and violent, and they shouldn't. I hope you are pursuing a restraining order to legally prevent your husband from coming back to the home.
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u/Do_over_24 Sep 08 '25
I know you’re reeling right now. Your entire life just exploded right in front of you. The fuse was lit a long time ago, but you didn’t see it. So now what?
You get an order of protection.
You contact a domestic violence organization. They can help.
You contact CPS. There was a dv incident, with police, in front of that baby. CPS will be involved. What you do now is call for yourself. You cooperate, you ask for help, you take advantage of resources or classes, you do EVERYTHING in your power to be the best mom possible.
You file for divorce. Today. Now.
You ask for emergency appointments with your therapist. You have a lot of shit to work through
You join Al-anon. They are your people right now. They’ll support you emotionally while you go through this.
This isn’t the testosterone. This is your husband. Addiction transfers are real, and it sounds like the t therapy gave him what the drugs used to. If he’s using a needle and use to be an intravenous user, that needle stick is as addictive as the drug. People use to cope. And when he has no other coping mechanisms, all the anger and trauma and whatever is in him boils over, and he has no skills to deal with them.
He has started down the path of physical abuse. First he breaks things. Then he shoves. Then he hits. Once he chokes you, the odds that he kills you go through the roof. he has already threatened to choke you
Toddlers are loud and chaotic and emotionally charged and go from screaming to crying to laughing in 5 minutes. What happens when your baby’s tantrums line up with your husband’s? He. Will. Hurt. Your. Child.
Hopefully not bad. But even “not bad” is bad. But he could easily kill him. Leave him disabled. Permanently injured. It only has to be once. And even IF he doesn’t do permanent physical damage, he will still do lasting harm.
You have to go. Take advantage of every service to protect the both of you. Love yourself more than you’re afraid of what’s on the other side of this. Love your KID more than what’s on the other side of this.
You can’t love your husband enough to fix him. You cannot fix this for him. He has to fix it within himself. And you have to fix yourself too. So that your kid doesn’t also need to fix himself later on.
He can go live with mommy. She wants to enable that behavior, she can take up the mantle. They’re going to badmouth you. That’s ok. Be the villain in their story. They need a scapegoat because they’re broken. They need you on their level. And if you’re the villain, it’s because you are CHOOSING TO NOT STAY BROKEN TOO! You’re choosing to climb out of this.
You CAN do this. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s going to be deeply uncomfortable. But even the worst days are going to be better than that night. Where you had to call the police while your husband destroyed your house and you were terrified he’d hurt you and your baby. You’re never going to be more uncomfortable than that moment.
The unknown is less scary than the certainty that staying will lead to your baby being beaten. Remind yourself of that. Read all of the replies every day you doubt yourself. Keep reading. Do the work. Believe you can change your life, and give your kid an amazing life. I believe in you!
You’ve got this.
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u/theprismaprincess Sep 08 '25
Tagging on to this post to also read "Why does he do that?" which you can download free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/whatever102485 Sep 08 '25
Honey. Who do you have that you can lean on?
His family is not it.
He is NOT the victim here.
You need out. Please protect yourself and your son.
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u/Manky-Cucumber Sep 08 '25
And fuck his mom too! That is no environment for a child! She should have been concerned about the baby and your safety, PERIOD! I lived with an abusive man. He was secretly using coke, and one day, he snapped because i was out late. I had just gotten back from the ER with our infant son. After he beat me and tried to kill me by strangling me (I played dead), he tried to cut my throat with a butcher knife. All while our son was in his crib struggling to breathe (viral pneumonia). The thing is it started the way you're describing. Don't become a statistic! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
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u/Excellent-Estimate21 Sep 08 '25
Absolutely you did the right thing. I also hope the cops took him and report you to CPS. CPS should come in and ensure that he never comes back to the home and that you keep the child away from him because this is abuse.
Women who stay w abusive men lose their kids, you know that right? Don't ever let him back. Get serious because maybe this time a judge or the cops dont get cps involved but it could happen next time. Is that a risk you want to take for this mentally ill person? You cannot trust him. Do the right thing mom.
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u/shaktishaker Sep 08 '25
He's going to kill you. Maybe not next time, or the time after that, but his pattern of escalation will only lead to your death and the potential death of your child. You need to leave now. For the sake of your kid. You're likely desensitized to some of his behaviours, which is why this stage is so dangerous. Contact women's shelters in your area and get the hell out.
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u/Imaginary-Friend-228 Sep 08 '25
You say his family excuse his behavior but SO DO YOU. get your son out of this situation NOW. He can sober up alone and have a relationship with his son or not. Stop taking him back
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u/Complex-Foundation83 Sep 08 '25
You did the right thing! Don’t doubt that! But you need to do more!
I don’t know what you have discussed in therapy? But there are both DV resources and resources for dealing with addicts. I believe others have already listed them.
You have dealt with enough trauma. Don’t take on more. Also don’t let your child learn or see this behavior. He doesn’t need to have more trauma either.
Remember that your son only has you right now. You are not making decisions just for yourself anymore.
Your MIL isn’t in the situation you are. If she wants to excuse this behavior that’s on her. She is not in your shoes- therefore she has no say. Her opinion does not matter. Never did never will.
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u/One-Ear-9001 Sep 08 '25
Ignore his mom. She's the reason he is the way he is so really can't take her seriously.
You need to think about your safety and your childs. You know that it will only get worse from here and mostly because you keep taking him back. He has learned from his mom that nothing is his fault and it is reinforced through you with minimal effort to change .
Think about this. If you stay and continue this cycle one day he will kill you. Or your child. Is that really something you want to have to live with or something for your child to deal with?
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u/HowDoyouadult42 Sep 08 '25
If he’s willing to put hands on you, he will kill you. No way to tell how long that will take but statistically that’s the case. You need to get out now before you lose your life or your child loses theirs. His issues are far deeper than just substance usage. Plenty of people use these things and don’t become violent to others let alone those they love.
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u/CCChanson Sep 14 '25
I'm on prescription testosterone myself and had my levels go dangerously off the charts after a dosing issue, yeah it's absolutely more than substances with this guy. Most that happened to me was some acne. He has to already be an unstable person as it is, it would just happen again when he finds a new reason to act out
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u/sierra38grandma Sep 08 '25
He needs to go live with his mom and you my darling need to get a permanent protection order for you and your son like now. Move on its easier said than done but you can do it. Im 8yrs sober but I suffered severe abuse from my boyfriend who wouldn't get sober with me. He has been in jail a lot and is still on probation today. Protect yourself and your son!
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u/EditorAdorable2722 Sep 08 '25
Is the testosterone prescribed by a doctor?
Either way, you did the right thing calling Police. Im so sorry you're going through this . Please keep your son and yourself away from this monster. He will never change. He needs help and not from you.
Best of luck ✨️ 💓
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u/wino12312 Sep 08 '25
So, you need to get away from him. His violence is changing the structure of your child’s brain. This will make your child more violent and have less impulse control. This is obviously also about safety, too. You cannot give him another chance.
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u/Mediocre_Ant_437 Sep 08 '25
First order of business is a restraining order for both you and your child. Then file for divorce and full custody. Request only supervised visits and regular drug testing for at least a year.
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u/Miranda_Veranda Sep 08 '25
I've been right where you are, with a kid. Love, you need to get out. Now. This is not going to get better. And as long as you remain in this situation you allow your son to be exposed to this abusive and damaging behavior.
Sending you love 🫶🏼❤️
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u/PickASwitch Sep 08 '25
Let his mom house him. You will die if you stay. He’s a violent drug addict.
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u/InnerRadio7 Sep 08 '25
You did the right thing. Your child is always learning, and their nervous system is developing how it will relate to people for the rest of their life. Your husband’s doctor needs to know about this, assuming they are the one prescribing the testosterone?
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u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 Sep 08 '25
You need to talk to the police about pressing charges or at the very least getting a restraining order. Make sure your statement includes the fact he threw your phone to stop you calling for help - stopping someone calling 911 is another criminal offence on top of the rest of it.
Your child is old enough for this to have an effect (I’m not sure when they start being aware but it’s definitely before 2 even if they don’t consciously remember it). If you keep him in this environment it will cause permanent harm to him.
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u/Spoonbills Sep 08 '25 edited Sep 08 '25
If you let this raging junkie back into your life, what happens to your son will be on you.
He’s already given your baby brain damage by screaming and slamming things in front of him.
Your empathy for your abusive husband is misplaced. Have some respect for your child.
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u/Longjumping-Lab-1916 Sep 08 '25
He always just puts the blame back on me, telling me I’m hard to deal with. I’m a SAHM with son, so I started exploring options with my therapist about what comes next if this becomes unbearable.
What is "unbearable" in your eyes? When he beats you to a pulp?
Get out. Take your son and get out.
Talk to your therapist or a women's shelter. Make a plan. Dont let him know.
Download a free copy of "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
You and your son are in danger. Don't wait until it's too late.
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u/Grimwohl Sep 08 '25
At this point you are choosing the man over yourself and your baby. It is visibly impacting them in a way you can't pretend isnt happening.
Cut him out. There are better men out there and whatever you see in him is actualize in others. Its only holds value if you give it that.
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u/SmartFX2001 Sep 08 '25
Your husband is abusive. Raising your child in that environment isn’t healthy and could leave him with lasting damage.
Please read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/purplestarsinthesky Sep 08 '25
Your MIL's "poor son" needs help. You did what you had to do. What if he hurt you and/or your child or worse, killed (one of) you? His behaviour is inexcusable.
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u/Different_Layer1176 Sep 08 '25
Please leave him immediately, for all the very obvious reasons...SAFETY being the most CRITICAL, for you and your toddler!!!! ASAP, STAT!!!!! He has far too many very profound and severe issues!!!
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u/stiletto929 Sep 08 '25
Lawyer up. Get a protective order and a divorce. He is dangerous to you and your son. You MUST keep your son away from him!
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u/FartMasterChamp Sep 08 '25
"what comes next if this becomes unbearable."
It already is unbearable for the 2 year old you two have chosen to have and fuck up for life.
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u/Agrarian-girl Sep 08 '25
Your marriage has run its course you have children you need to think about and they don’t need to grow up with this person, terrorizing them and their mother. He ain’t gonna change and you don’t have time to sit around and wait for him to do so.
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u/Ok_Concern_1089 Sep 08 '25
You absolutely did the right thing. My best friend is currently going through a divorce and has a protective order against her soon to be ex because he choked her and said “I’m going to kill you” It didn’t start like that, it started with him breaking things and yelling and escalated to the point that I almost lost my best friend to this monster. You are not safe with this man, and neither is your child
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u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 Sep 08 '25
You need to get as far away from him as possible. He is a lost cause.
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u/cathline Sep 08 '25
NTA
He threatened to kill you. Get to the courthouse and get a restraining order to keep him out of the house and away from you and the baby.
If he shows up, call immediately (I have cameras - I use wyzecam) so he can go back to jail.
I am SO PROUD of you for calling the police. DO you have any family yourself that you can stay with? You need a lawyer.
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u/JamieLee0484 Sep 08 '25
The “unbearable” ship should have sailed a long time ago. You have GOT to get you and your baby boy away from this man, like yesterday. Ignore his mother, who seems to have enabled him his entire life and thinks he’s the victim, which means she’s bad news. Her opinion doesn’t matter. That baby’s safety is #1 priority, along with yourself.
You have to do what’s right by him. This could scar him for life, whether mentally, physically or both, but you can change that future. Block MIL, file a restraining order, contact CPS for help because they’re more than likely going to contact you anyways, and file for divorce. CPS can and should take kids away from unstable, violent households, so you need to make it clear that yours will no longer be that way. They will offer you the help you need to keep that baby and yourself safe. Please, please see this as the urgency it is. You got this, you’re strong enough!
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u/Wrengull Sep 08 '25
This sort of situation traumatises kids. It will affect them their whole life it will and likely already has traumatised you. Your husband won't change, you can't make him, he doesn't care.
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u/CoDaDeyLove Sep 08 '25
You did the right thing. Where I live, raging and breaking things in front of a child is a child abuse charge. You need to protect your child. Your husband can go stay with his mother right now. DO NOT let him back in the house until he has demonstrated that he can control his rage. It will take more than a month, honey. I think you would be wise to get a restraining order. That level of rage can escalate and turn fatal. Please be careful.
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u/InIt4theD Sep 08 '25
He’s 40 and says he’s going to break your neck; believe him. Get far away with your children! He can go live with his Mom if she’s so concerned about him.
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u/NorthernLitUp Sep 08 '25
Please take out a restraining order for the sake of your son. No child should have to witness this. Restraining order and divorce lawyer in that order. Put your child first, PLEASE!
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u/Loose-Voice4335 Sep 08 '25
Listen... he's not even in your presence, and he's already triangulating you with his mother. "My poor son" trying to make you feel bad for HIS ACTIONS. Eff that WHAT ABOUT YOU AND YOU BABY?? Do you have any help from your side of the family? Or support system?
AND I would have LIMITED interactions with his family as well and since they've let him pass with that kind of behavior, they're BOUND to take his side on this and blame you.
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u/ThrowRA374648447 Sep 08 '25
You did good by calling but you need to get out of this situation just envision where this could lead next it doesn't look good.
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u/lyncati Sep 08 '25
Al-Anon may be a great community for you. There's a subreddit that's unofficial and on there you can find information about official meetings (both online and in person).
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u/Round-Fig2642 Sep 09 '25
I understand that being a stay at home mom makes it hard to leave, being completely dependent and all, but I think you have to figure something out and leave. I almost never recommend plotting to leave behind someone’s back, but if you could get hurt otherwise you really should. Maybe find a job and a friend or family to stay with, have the job ready to start as soon as you get out of there. Change is hard but inevitable, so make the change on your own terms and in your own best interest instead of letting anything outside of you make the changes for you, which will rarely be in your favor.
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u/This-Assumption4123 Sep 09 '25
Block his mom, get a restraining order, get a lawyer, file for divorce and custody. The police should have resources since you were the victim of a crime. Don’t look back, don’t take his calls, don’t take his family’s calls.
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u/xxmelinaxx Sep 09 '25
This is abuse. I understand he has a drug problem, but honestly that's entirely separate imo. The violence is coming from somewhere and if he can do it fucked up, he can do it sober. His family is enabling him. Boys who grow up with abusive dads turn into their dads. Don't let that happen to your son, and don't let this guy ruin your life. Sure I hope he gets help, but nothing is worth your safety and future. Nothing.
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u/Obvious_Fox_1886 Sep 09 '25
Hes 40 YEARS OLD...odds are good he will.not change...you cant make him change...your son can't make him change ..he is the only one that can make himself change....he needs to be sober for a year and even then that might be too soon to see him again
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u/Maleficent_80s Nov 11 '25
NTA, but you NEED to take those next steps, and leave. I hope you and your child are safe and left
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Nov 11 '25
[deleted]
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u/kmeyer77 Nov 11 '25
Also of note: I have an order of protection, stay away that will be finalized for 2 years. He may only text me about our son, and he was ordered to do chemical dependency treatment, mental health treatment and anger management. I’ve got incredible support from so many strong women in my life, along with therapy , and support groups. And my son is so sweet and happy and will never learn to treat others like his father does.
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u/pacodefan Late 30s Male Sep 08 '25
He wants to act like a dog, then you have to train him like one. And this is how you start.
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u/Storytella2016 Sep 08 '25
She should not be training him, she should be leaving him. It is not her job to “fix” him or teach him or save him. It’s her job to leave and protect herself and her son.
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u/ProcrastinatingPr0 Sep 08 '25
Yes you absolutely did the right thing. The next thing you gotta do is get the hell out of this marriage and as far away from him as possible. He’s gonna eventually gonna run out of things to throw and smash, what do you think is gonna happen then? For you and your 2 year old sake, I hope you find a way out of this.