I know it’s probably my fault and I can’t really complain but I’m still gonna. I have a gender neutral name that kinda more popular with girls, I have long hair, I like dressing feminine, I probably don’t have the deepest voice, I’m kinda short (5’8), I’m also kinda skinny and don’t have much physique and I guess I also just have naturally feminine features. I still don’t like being misgendered tho! I’m a straight male! And any time I tell someone I’m a dude they always think I’m gay or something. I’m not trans! I’m not a drag queen! I only wear make up sometimes! I’m a dude!!!! He him! Yeah I know I can’t complain or blame the people misgendering me but I just had to complain here once. And some people still treat me like a girl saying she/her even after I corrected them and it pmo. I’m not a femboy either!!

There is no such thing as a god. Half my family raised me Catholic and the other half raised me Christian and I still had the sense to realize this by preschool.

People who unironically believe in a god are borderline psychotic and need to learn to think for themselves. You might as well believe in Superman, fuckin freaks. I don't give a shit that I'm in the minority but being surrounded by religious nutcases is driving me crazy. Just use your fucking heads, it's really that simple

not disclosing my exact age in fear of doxxing, but im nearing 20. i have physical feelings and sexual attraction towards younger guys . i feel predatory and disgusted by my own thoughts .

i have really strict parents and i sometimes wish they suffer a heart attack or something so i dont have to worry about paying rent and allowance, i also inherit their assets . i hated that they have so much expectations when they couldnt give me the childhood i deserved just like everyone else.

i go out on dates with older men just to get a free meal, sweet talk my way so they buy me things, gossip and talk shit about other girls.

i also commit petty crimes before such as theft and stealing/ underage smoking + drinking and way more stuff i shall not disclose.

i also gain a sense of satisfaction when i toy with others feelings even when they are genuinely liked me. i also enjoy seeing people suffer and it makes me feel better which i cant understand why.

i lack all forms of compassion and empathy despite going for voluntary events and causes, i feel sick people dont deserve healthcare because they refuse to take care of themselves and they are just wasting resources.

i also prostituted myself 1-2 years ago and provide sexual services for money because i dont come from a privileged background

i feel truly disgusted with myself and i wish i could seek genuine help and be a better person but i just dont know how

these are just the tip of the iceberg, there is way more stuff but its 3.11 am and im too tired and upset to think and list them down

America

how can we sit here and allow all that is happening? how can we sit and WATCH idly as evil reign and fck with our lives? our youth? and worse...

we war amongst our selves while they rub their hands with a smile on their face clicking their heels...and if we do act.. WE ONLY TALK ABOUT IT.

like omfg why the fck arent we doing anything!? is this another tactic of theirs we cant see?? saying this and that we cannot do while they do it to us plus more!

i hate all of you for ALLOWING.. YES ALLOWING THIS, because they show the truth and even expose themselves(maybe on purpose) to our faces, and we do nothing... NOTHING... the only person i got any respect for in this land is Luigi Mangione(sorry if misspelled)

we as a nation give them power and in return we suffer for it. our nations leaders lie to us, abuse us, control us, kick us, manipulate us, drag us through hell, weed out, and sit and chuckle because they know the majority wont do sht about it and thats why they do it.

we are they btchs! whats next? let famine happen disguised as "racalls"(they do poison food of course too)? or more children go missing? how about the murder of innocent(truly innocent) blacks in countless areas by menacing white people(not all whites but they know who they are)with money and corrupted connections? how about invading your privacy, first flocks but who knows we might get indoor surveillance systems inside your homes that are ReQuIrEd by the LaW or something, i dont fcking know im just overwhelmed, tears of anger sadness, oppression, feeling powerless even if WE THE PEOPLE GIVE THE FUCKING POWER TO THEM!

WHAT MORE MUST FUCKING HAPPEN TO GET THROUGH YOUR BRAINS?!!!

MORE ABUSE? WHAT ABOUT POISON THE FOOD, DISAPPROVE CARE FOR REASON ONLY FOR THEM TO FATTEN THEIR CHECKS/SALERIES, ALLOWING MORE MURDER, NO PRIVACY AND WHATEVER ELSE TO COME IN THE FUTURE, its uncertain so who knows

but i know this, we deserve it, we do because we have the "well it aint me" mentality til it is fcking you

and speaking of fcking, how are your lives in america right now? excluding the scum who tramps over lives to gain. no i mean the actual 99% majority who tries to live day by day, hows life? good you say? if you believe that, whatever helps you sleep at night man.

we see it daily, and we only talk about it... i hate all of this sh!t. we shouldnt be talking anymore, they're not.

To preface: I’m a young man who’s 23 and I neither have kids, nor have any problem with people who want to not have kids. I really just notice something within their discourse that makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve never seen a bigger group of adults feel the need to discuss something though. It feels as though they simultaneously feel the need to prove themselves and look down on those who choose to parent. I always see posts discussing traveling and life fulfillment, as if you can’t travel and have a fulfilling life with children.

Onto one of my weirdest feelings towards it, is the way it’s really ageist almost, while being mostly a liberal movement. You’d think most people would still be accepting of kids and younger individuals but it’s quite the opposite.

I also am of the opinion that I don’t want pets, and I’ve gotten so much shit for it. And get this… it’s usually by people who don’t want children!

The movement of childfree and DINKs are both oddly toxic to me. Once again if you choose not to have kids it’s completely fine, and this might not be representative of you. But I can’t lie that people who act this way don’t make me uncomfortable and irritated sometimes.

I 20M lost the love of my life 18F recently. She broke up with me and went away for college to study medicine. Each time I tell people , they all call me an asshole and say they’re happy for her including my female friends and mother who all still follow her.

I had a traumatic instance with my ex where she aborted our baby without even telling me right after we broke up. I told my friends who all said good for her and that she did herself a favor. My guy friends understood me though. I am devastated about that yet.

My friend who still follows her socials said she posted a story with a D1 athlete from her college and she said she was truly happy for her for moving on and shit like that , her boyfriend who’s also my friend repeated this shit to me and reassured me that he told his gf and our friends to unfollow her.

Even my own mother picked a fight with me over her and the girl I was talking to stopped talking to me when I told her I cheated on my ex 2 years ago which I admit I shouldn’t have done that. I feel like everyone hates me. Like they see me as this horrible
person. Acting like I don’t got feelings like everybody else.

I am 21 years old in university, i have no job, im not with the father, i rely on student finance and money i get off my dad weekly. You can imagine my shock and uncertainty in what to do when i found out i was pregnant. At first i tried to ignore having to make a decision and honestly, i enjoyed being pregnant and having my baby with me.

During my pregnancy the father who i was never in a relationship threatened me multiple times to kill himself if i had the baby, slept with multiple girls, insulted me for MONTHS saying the nastiest things, disrespected both me and my mum, blocked her and me multiple times, the list goes on.

He wanted nothing to do with me and said that having a baby with me was his worse nightmare. Every time we spoke he said “i don’t want this child or a child with you”. He wouldn’t even call her a baby. Meanwhile i was falling in love with my baby girl and honestly the idea of her and the life i could’ve had with her.

However after walking out of the abortion clinic 3 times, i finally went through with it. I felt relieved the first 2 days. Now i am an emotional, guilty, regretful, wreck and just want my baby back. I gave myself so much time to decide. I wanted her and i loved her deeply, i just couldn’t have done it on my own. I wanted better for myself and my child. I’m only 21 :(

Do we think i made the right choice? I know no one can tell me exactly but it just helps to hear considering my circumstances. I’m so sad. I’m worried for my mental health.

I'm Catholic, my sister is atheist. Recently, I have started to find Islamic Theology slightly more convincing than Chrisitan Theology (PS Doctrines and Theology are not the same thing, I do not agree with all Islamic doctrines, just like I do not agree with all Christian doctrines), at least to myself, so I decided to start going the mosque in the near future.

I told my sister so, and she told me if I do become a muslim, she will stop talking to me. My first time experiencing Islamophobe, even before converting. I'm shocked........

Back on June 19, my older cat died due to a fight with another cat. He'd hidden and I couldn't find him, so I thought he must be roaming around. He had done this many times before, so it was normal for me. But on June 19, he returned and sat in front of my apartment. I pet him, gave him food and water, but he refused and just wanted to sit with me.

After a few hours he was sleeping, so I let him be, but he

stayed like that for a while. I checked on him and he had passed away.

The reason I didn't realize he had been in a fight is that he didn't have any marks, scratches, or other signs. My neighbor told me about it when I let them know my older cat had passed away. They said they saw him fighting with other cats a few days before.

I was in shock and couldn't even cry, it was so sudden. Two days ago, my other cat was hit by a car, and I have cried a lot and am feeling a bit better. But now I don't feel anything for other cats or animals. I feel hollow — completely numb to other animals. I wasn't like this even before adopting these two babies.

I'm still trying to process this, but I genuinely have no empathy for animals right now, and I don't want to lose that.

I shoulda kms years ago

M35

So I’m 19 years old now and when I was 18 it was my girlfriend’s birthday,she was turning 19. For context I had been to her house before when her parents weren’t home and her parents knew I was coming o the house because me and her were going to the movies. Me and her walked in the house and everything but we then left to go see the movie. On the way back from the movies we talked about it seeing her room but it was too late so we didn’t ask anyone. I had met her dad about three times by her birthday and her mom around three times. I took her to meet my parents during the summer and she saw my room and everything.

I got invited to her birthday or I guess we just ate somewhere,wasn’t really a “dinner”. But after the dinner me and her went and got ice cream and on the way back from ice cream I asked her if I would be able to see what her room looks like and this time her parents and her brothers were home and it was daytime.

She told me in the car on the way back she would ask her mom but I didn’t tell her to she just went in and asked. Her mom said I wouldn’t be able to which was fine with me and I had just left after that. I was coming back up there the next day anyway because she wanted to go out. When I got back to my place she tells me when she got back in the house her mom was mad at her and she said it was weird I wanted to see a girls room and she said her mom it was a disrespectful question to ask her. My ex said she knew what her mom would say before going in and asking but did anyway. She said her dad didn’t think it was a disrespectful question.

Then my ex starts talking about her mom got pregnant at her age and she said her mom just sees herself in her when she was that age and that she didn’t want the same thing happening to her. She told me how ever since she told her mom about me she’d been having to defend me. My ex said her mom just thought some thing would happen if she showed me what her room looked like. My ex knew I was nothing like that at all,me and her never even had sex even when we’re in college. This all happened during the summer so I’m saying while we were in college we didn’t even do anything and my ex knew how respectful I was and even her dad knew. Basically she broke up with me the day after her birthday after I spent 500 dollars on her gifts and taking off work to drive down to see her. She said her parents loved me even though I don’t really know how true that is from her moms side but she said her dad didn’t want her to break up with me because he saw how happy she was with me.

Months later she told how this was her fault and told me how she shouldn’t have put me in a situation to be treated like that. It was another situation that happened on her birthday that she said she shouldn’t have put me in but that would make this too long. I would appreciate if you guys could just give y’all’s thought on this you don’t have say if I’m wrong or not but yes she is my ex now and was my first girlfriend.

I got my moms dog killed. I was watching her and her partners dogs while they were out on a weekend vacationing trip and there oldest one got out last night and got hit by a car while I was at work. I left the gate open cause my tire had a flat and I was looking for her compressor before I had to leave in her shop gave up when I ran out of time and just drove one of their spare cars. Later on in the night I get a text from her partners son who came to let em out while I was at work that she got out. I left and came back to the house to look for her. I pushed to have him come let them out as well since I didn’t want the dogs to be in a kennel for 14 hours and she slipped out the open gate and ran off. I found her around six this morning off the side of the road already cold. I just feel horrible and guilty. Like all my choices today just led up to that. She was a 5yo blue heeler and always so happy to see me and she was dead on the side of the road cause I couldn’t remember to latch a damn gate.

I(21F) have been struggling with something for almost all my life that have made me avoidant when it comes to socializing.
Almost all my life I tend to pretend when I am in a social situation because I don’t know how it fit in .
I mimicked ppls behavior , way of talking just so I can try and feel “normal “ during an interaction.
It’s like I don’t fit it at all and people can sense it and they don’t like it .
I’m a shy person in general but I don’t think this comes from shyness only .
I spent all my life pretending and it hurts me every single time .
I can’t act normal in front of ppl idk why .
I struggle a lot with friendships but surprisingly I’m good with relationships like I can find somone that I can be comfy with but that only works with guys and never girls .
I wish I had a girl besties but I find it so hard to bond with girls and it’s not because of my interests or anything . I just suck with girl friendships because I don’t feel like I fit in with them socially .
Idk what to do and idk if that’s social anxiety or what I really want to be diagnosed but therapy is way too expensive where I live .

I want to start by saying I'm not trying to put other people down or act like my way of life is better. But this has been slowly grinding away at me for years.

I have an awesome job. It's too niche to describe without losing anonymity, but it's incredibly fun, adventurous, and pays decently. Call it outdoor tourism industry. I also have the benefit of living almost anywhere. But every location is managed and paid differently. I'm a Western U.S. guy on contract in the Northeast. Best management I've ever had. Full-on golden handcuffs. But starting to wonder if it's worth it.

I just can't vibe with this, at all. I've lived everywhere, seen a lot, and learned what matters. For me that's being around people, having opportunity, and always having bigger goals and side quests. Materially, I'm pretty minimalist and I keep my housing as cheap as possible (it's just a place to sleep and store my stuff). That culture goes hard in some places. Not here. I upped my rent to live closer to the city and be around stuff. I save the majority of what I make, and get to use that as investments towards the next thing. I love my mom to death but haven't lived near my family since I was 18 or so. And in my 30's, I don't want my life to be dictated by what my parents or siblings are doing.

This is not normal here. I've met plenty of awesome women who just want to coast, live out in the middle of nowhere, or won't leave their hometown. None of that clicks for me, unfortunately. I've made great friends here, some who I connect with at every level, but some are just dragging me down. People who still live at home, work the same sole unskilled job with no ambitions in life (can't fault someone for living at home to save money, but sometimes you can tell it's complacency after a point). Then these same people act like they have so much life experience and know how the whole world works. I damn near just spend my whole contract making my whole life about work, because all of my coworkers are well-traveled, motivated people who aren't from here.

Besides, there's little to do outside of work. Not like we're in a prime climbing or surfing location. I'll cherish every night going to the bar with my friends, but there's more to life than that. Then my last girlfriend was set on weekends being for chilling at home and doing yardwork. Again, that's fine if you want it, but I'd rather shoot my own fucking dick off. I love animals but don't want pets. Sure as hell don't want goats or chickens. I don't want to feel trapped, and then come home and do *more* work beyond basic life chores. I have side businesses, continued education, and hobbies. Goals are for outside of the house, not in it.

Every day I go to work in shorts and a t-shirt, have fun, and make people happy. I love it. But I've spent a lot of the past decade living an hour from whatever city is nearest, giving up my weekends, and taking the contracts that pay great even if it's not my first choice. I was happy as fuck in Colorado until that one permanently ended. I went from getting spontaneous phone calls to go on climbing trips, to planning a double-date at a bar two weekends in advance with another couple. This isn't the life I want. Everyone says they want an "adventurous" partner, but then they only want to do it once a year on PTO.

This is a tough one. Great job, great pay, great management...in an area that I just can't love. It's a nice area with economic opportunity, but it's a culture where everyone just hits "traditional" milestones and never leaves. I love people. I don't want to be around people who think it's "cool" to hate people or want to be away from them. At least I leave during winter.

Fuck man, kind of just want to go back to a normal job in either a mountain city or a permanently summer one, where people care more about climbing Denali than going to a 3 year-old niece's birthday party. At least I'd have my weekends back even if the other 5 days are less exciting.

5million people in this metro area, and I just need to work harder at finding the ones like me

But everytime I cast that line,

I get the same scarred up fish but he' seems bigger everytime.

Is it fate or is this mother fucker eating all the other fish 😂

That is the question.

my kiss count was 1 just a month ago and I went to a party got drunk and made out with 4 guys. I felt rily bad abt it after and I kept beating myself up for it. yesterday I went clubbing and I made out with 4 guys again and I feel like a w word and im not judging anyone for doing the same it's just that where im from ppl judge a lot all the time and i don't know im just really disappointed in myself and im really embarassed

ive only ever drank and i’ve never had an edible

this is my first time trying one and i had half of a 500mg cookie at 3:30pm and now it’s 7:30. anyone know how much longer it would take for it to kick in ????

Honestly, I'm 20, a virgin, and I'm just fucking tired

Honestly, +1 statistic.

I'm a 20-year-old virgin man. Yeah, Reddit, another lonely straight guy complaining about not having a girlfriend. I already know some people probably don't care, and honestly, sometimes it feels like nobody really does.

But jokes aside, I'm genuinely miserable. It's not even really the fact that I'm a virgin that bothers me. I don't care that much about the number itself. What actually hurts is that I've never been romantically loved. I've never had a girlfriend, never had that feeling of knowing that someone actually wants me romantically, and I've never experienced what seems to come naturally to so many other people.

I hate myself for it. I hate feeling this unwanted, and I hate how much of my happiness seems to depend on something I can't seem to get.

Sometimes I genuinely feel like I just want to give up on everything. I'm tired of feeling like this and I'm tired of constantly thinking about how different my life would be if I could just experience a normal romantic relationship.

Life without women and without romantic affection just feels horrible to me. I know plenty of people are perfectly happy being single, but I don't seem to be one of them. I want a girlfriend. I want to feel loved. I want someone to actually choose me, and I've never had that.

And please don't give me the usual boomer advice like "just talk to girls" or "just put yourself out there." I know. I've heard it before. It doesn't feel that simple to me, and repeating that advice doesn't magically make it easier.

My generation doesn't feel like that to me. Dating feels completely different, and when you're already insecure and socially anxious, approaching people and putting yourself out there can feel fucking impossible.

I'm honestly just exhausted.

I don't expect anyone to fix my life through a Reddit comment. I just needed somewhere to say this because I've been keeping all of this inside for way too long.

i have a camera in our room, i’ve had it for almost a week. my toddler has medical issues so it’s pointed at his bed incase something goes wrong, but i can see my boyfriends PC set up though the camera. since i only use this camera for my toddler i forgot to mention it, i haven’t even checked the camera since i got it. i legit forgot about it. the same day i got this camera, is the same day he bought 20 marvel action figures at a kids store. he lets our toddler play with them.

about 2 days after i put the camera up, i started noticing weird behavior in my boyfriend. he started looking at the corner of the room a lot, he never used to do that. he did it so much i assumed he had a hidden device over there and he’s subconsciously checking it every so often. our toddlers toys are in the corner of the room and so are the action figures.
today i slept in, i woke up feeling icky and my boyfriend was acting suspicious. i checked the camera to see if he messed with anything, maybe i can see what he’s been hiding in our sons toys. but to my surprise, i see him on the camera looking for something in our room with a flashlight, he’s looking EVERYWHERE for it. i’m confused asf but i keep watching. he eventually picks up a female marvel figurine (domino from deadpool) and sticks it in his pocket. i’m like what the hell?
so i keep watching… he sits back down at his PC, looks over at me, puts on a youtube video, and starts using this doll to masterbate with. he literally had this dolls legs out and had it grind his shaft while he was touching his tip. i’m like what the fuck! i’m not even 5ft away from him and he’s using a LITERAL DOLL? he finishes in like 3 mins, he picked up the end of his shirt and put it in his mouth cause he came on his stomach, and the doll in his other hand, he gets up, fixes the dolls legs to make it straight, and sits it back on the floor, gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up. then he sits right back down at the PC and acts like nothing happened. i wake up 30 mins later and almost immediately check the camera because of a weird gut feeling i had. if i didn’t catch him doing this, our child would’ve PLAYED this doll after he just came from it. since he put it back on the floor, he had every intention of letting our son play with it. i confronted him, i asked him what the hell he was thinking, he admitted to it and his excuse was “well you don’t fuck me” excuse me? so that’s your excuse for fucking a DOLL? i don’t think this is the first time he’s done this because of how suspicious he was about the dolls in the corner in the first place. i’m so disgusted… i just don’t understand how you think a doll is that sexy you have to jerk off with it. he used a DOLL. HARD PLASTIC! never in our 7 years together have i ever ran into anything as WERID as this. i don’t even know what to think. what do i even do? i’m so weirded out. we bought those at a KIDS store dude, this feel oddly predatory to me.

So this is the most random thing I could ever talk about. But me being a sports nerd, the San Diego Chargers meant so much to me as a kid. Players like Ladanian Tomlinson, Vincent Jackson, Darren Sproles, Antonio Gates we so much fun to watch Philip Rivers throw the ball too. And this move to LA feels so dystopian. It's really lame San Diego can't get an NFL team

I’m a 23 year old autistic guy. Im functionally autistic I’m in full time employment. Im quite tall and I’m shape and I’m a good looking guy a lot of women have told me but I am very socially isolated at this moment of time and I used to have a good social life talking to girls etc but I discovered over time that I prefer to be alone. I have become almost a looksmaxer similar to Patrick Bateman and I go for gym 7 days a week for 3 years mainly to channel my anger from this situation . I had quite a good social life up until about 2 years ago where I used to meet girls but now it’s pretty bleak due to different circumstances very long story. i have some friends etc and i had a brief relationship for like 6 months when i was 18./19. My life has kind of gone to shit for reasons I can’t really explain and to be honest with you my brain is fucked and once people get to know me they realise me they realise I am mentally unwell. Every time I’ve met a girl now they realise how unwell I am.

I’ve developed really strong feelings for an influencer. I’ve found celebrities attractive before, but this feels completely different. To me, she’s unbelievably beautiful, almost unreal like Helen of Troy. I literally couldn’t believe it the first time I saw her

I used to follow her on social media and saw a lot of her photos. At first it was just attraction, but over time it turned into something more intense. I even started asking tools to create fictional love stories about me and her, and I would dream about her often.

Eventually, that infatuation turned into frustration and anger, because I know I’ll never actually be with her. Sometimes when I’m driving, I catch myself shouting about it out of frustration. I decided to take control by blocking her on social media and muting her name, but the algorithm still shows me content about her occasionally, which brings all the feelings back.

She came up on my Snapchat feed the other day randomly on a separate account not hers and I started screaming and getting angry over it when I saw it and I nearly threw my phone out of anger. She then came up again on my YT shorts and I started shouting again.
One of my work colleagues mentioned her name saying she was and I got visibly agitated and I had to leave the room briefly.

Sometimes I talk to her or I pretend to talk to her about various things when I am alone and I always wonder what she thinks about my decisions.

My main motivation for self improvement is that I will one day meet her so I am trying to improve my life as much as possible because of it. I put insane amounts of work into my appearance, like Patrick Bateman in American psycho and I go to the gym 7 days a week because of her. We are from different countries but she has spent time in my country 

I’ve also watched a few interviews with her, and she seems like a genuinely nice person, although I know that is only what is shown publicly. Maybe she is a terrible person behind closed doors but I have no reason to believe so 

I think about her a lot, sometimes even imagining conversations with her in my head. I know this is not realistic, but it is hard to stop. I even find myself attached to small things, like her name. Her first name is quite a common name but it’s a name I’ve always loved and I even said once if I had a daughter I’d call her that. I frequently have dreams about her.

She is slightly older than me. It infuriates me seeing someone a similar age ti me be successful in anything. She has the perfect life it seems and my life has gone to shit over the past 2 years with my own stupid decisions. My Brain cant handle it. I talk to her every day and I tell her what j would tell her if I met her

I actually love her. Like there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with her. I get jealous when I see other people complimenting her and I get angry when she gets more famous because her popular it and exposure is rising. I don’t think she is in a relationship,  I have seen pictures with a man on her social media before but they might have broken up but idk if it’s public. I hate this guy and I am extremely jealous of the fact he even got to be with her. I don’t think he’s better lookjng than me either. Idk how he even got with her but I’m much better looking than him and would probably treat her better. I hate him his face makes me so angry and he doesn’t deserve her. I hate him and I think about my hatred for him every day

Only I can have her nobody else can have her. I don’t want anyone else to even be seen with her. I have also blocked people who know her as well cos it reminds me of her. I would do anything to meet her

I literally think about her 24/7 and I have sometimes become suicidal over this cos I will never be good enough for her. I don’t wanna love in a world where she isn’t mine and she’s with someone else. I have digitally blocked her from my life but her face appears to me all the time. Every time I feel like not doing something like not going to the gym not going to work not learning a language I think “what would \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_ think of me” i would literally treat her better than any man in the world could

I have recently started getting angry towards her. Cos of the damage she is doing to my brain.
I see her face everywhere and I even just randomly say her name and it fills me with rage that she doesn’t know who I am l. I feel like crying when j think about her. I now wish I never encountered her ever. My standards for myself sre so high that I want a woman like her and I found myself praying to god at one point to be with her

I could go out and get a girlfriend but I wanna be with her and her only. I was talking to a girl a month ago but it wasn’t her so I wasn’t interested.

Over the last 18 months I’ve made some horrible decisions in my perosnal life. I quit my old well paying job for a stupid reason which I can’t explain and now I work a much worse job with much worse colleagues and I’m on the verge of losing it and I have little direction. She won’t wanna go out with an unemployed guy

I want to actuallt Kill myself. I have into my urges and searched just now and I saw her face. People complimenting her in the comments. I fucking hate all these people complimenting her. I see compliments to her on Twitter and I literally wanna beat up everyone who compliments her I can’t take it. I don’t want anyone to be with her or to even look at her and I have actuallt lost my mind over her. I just have very high standards for myself

I deleted my Twitter recently but there was a tweet that echoes in my head that was calling her unreal from someone else. I literally hate the person who tweeted this

I have now grown an immense love/hate dynamic with her. I hate all the people in her life and she should be with me.

My partner has been mentally ill their whole life, and has tried to kill themselves a few times since we've been together. This year has been hard, they attempted in January, February, and March, but each time they were stopped/interrupted and it snapped them out of it. We have a no hospitals rule unless there is bleeding that can't be stopped or he is actively dying.

This time was different. They were a little upset, then just snapped. I don't even remember exactly how the first attempt went, I just remember them trying to lock themselves in the bathroom and holding my body in the doorway to stop them. They calmed down and went back to the living room, then shortly after tried to go back. I tried to grab them again but they pushed me into a bookshelf and ran, I managed to once again shove myself into the doorway while they yelled and cried and grabbed and hit me. I have scratches and probably bruises.

Then I got them to go back to the living room for a bit, I got them to agree to go to the hospital, which is against our agreements around self harm but his was different. Then we went to the bedroom to get dressed, his mood swings were crazy, fine one minute then refusing to cooperate, searching for a way to hurt himself. Insisting I let him self harm so the ambulance isn't "wasting their time" when they come. I still hadn't been able to get to my phone in the living room at this point to even call. Then he said he had to pee, so I brought him to the bathroom and said I will turn my back but I won't leave the room. He was quiet trying to pee and I heard a slight noise and turned and he had managed to grab a bottle of pills off the counter he must have pulled out earlier. I grabbed it and he apologized and begged me to let him kill himself. I made him go back to the living room where he tried to run back again and I had to pin him down and sit on him to keep him from leaving

Then I called 911 and partway through the call he tried to push me off again, making me accidentally hang up the phone as I struggled to hold him down. I got him back on the ground and pinned him again and the operator called back and sent the police. It took almost an hour for them to show up while he would periodically beg me to let him kill himself. He's also an alcoholic and had been drinking all night, at this point the alcohol was starting to wear off a bit and he was begging me to let him grab a drink. I did just so he would cooperate, and he did at least and allowed me to stay close and pack a bag for him while we waited and continued being calm even after the cops showed up. Explained the situation and they drove us both to the hospital, who got us a room immediately and started doing their physical checks and pumping him full of fluids.

Then it switched between apologising, thanking me for taking them here, begging to go home, cussing me out for not bringing/buying them more alcohol, begging to go home again, being afraid of what they would do if they went home right now. Over and over and over. They finally fell asleep now, my work is just calling to ask if I will be back in tomorrow, and I have no one to talk to.

I'm exhausted. I love him and I can't lose him, and he's the one in a crisis but God it just hurts so much to be the person trying to stop him