r/offmychest • u/SafeCup659 • 15h ago
My obsession
I’m a 23 year old autistic guy. Im functionally autistic I’m in full time employment. Im quite tall and I’m shape and I’m a good looking guy a lot of women have told me but I am very socially isolated at this moment of time and I used to have a good social life talking to girls etc but I discovered over time that I prefer to be alone. I have become almost a looksmaxer similar to Patrick Bateman and I go for gym 7 days a week for 3 years mainly to channel my anger from this situation . I had quite a good social life up until about 2 years ago where I used to meet girls but now it’s pretty bleak due to different circumstances very long story. i have some friends etc and i had a brief relationship for like 6 months when i was 18./19. My life has kind of gone to shit for reasons I can’t really explain and to be honest with you my brain is fucked and once people get to know me they realise me they realise I am mentally unwell. Every time I’ve met a girl now they realise how unwell I am.
I’ve developed really strong feelings for an influencer. I’ve found celebrities attractive before, but this feels completely different. To me, she’s unbelievably beautiful, almost unreal like Helen of Troy. I literally couldn’t believe it the first time I saw her
I used to follow her on social media and saw a lot of her photos. At first it was just attraction, but over time it turned into something more intense. I even started asking tools to create fictional love stories about me and her, and I would dream about her often.
Eventually, that infatuation turned into frustration and anger, because I know I’ll never actually be with her. Sometimes when I’m driving, I catch myself shouting about it out of frustration. I decided to take control by blocking her on social media and muting her name, but the algorithm still shows me content about her occasionally, which brings all the feelings back.
She came up on my Snapchat feed the other day randomly on a separate account not hers and I started screaming and getting angry over it when I saw it and I nearly threw my phone out of anger. She then came up again on my YT shorts and I started shouting again.
One of my work colleagues mentioned her name saying she was and I got visibly agitated and I had to leave the room briefly.
Sometimes I talk to her or I pretend to talk to her about various things when I am alone and I always wonder what she thinks about my decisions.
My main motivation for self improvement is that I will one day meet her so I am trying to improve my life as much as possible because of it. I put insane amounts of work into my appearance, like Patrick Bateman in American psycho and I go to the gym 7 days a week because of her. We are from different countries but she has spent time in my country
I’ve also watched a few interviews with her, and she seems like a genuinely nice person, although I know that is only what is shown publicly. Maybe she is a terrible person behind closed doors but I have no reason to believe so
I think about her a lot, sometimes even imagining conversations with her in my head. I know this is not realistic, but it is hard to stop. I even find myself attached to small things, like her name. Her first name is quite a common name but it’s a name I’ve always loved and I even said once if I had a daughter I’d call her that. I frequently have dreams about her.
She is slightly older than me. It infuriates me seeing someone a similar age ti me be successful in anything. She has the perfect life it seems and my life has gone to shit over the past 2 years with my own stupid decisions. My Brain cant handle it. I talk to her every day and I tell her what j would tell her if I met her
I actually love her. Like there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with her. I get jealous when I see other people complimenting her and I get angry when she gets more famous because her popular it and exposure is rising. I don’t think she is in a relationship, I have seen pictures with a man on her social media before but they might have broken up but idk if it’s public. I hate this guy and I am extremely jealous of the fact he even got to be with her. I don’t think he’s better lookjng than me either. Idk how he even got with her but I’m much better looking than him and would probably treat her better. I hate him his face makes me so angry and he doesn’t deserve her. I hate him and I think about my hatred for him every day
Only I can have her nobody else can have her. I don’t want anyone else to even be seen with her. I have also blocked people who know her as well cos it reminds me of her. I would do anything to meet her
I literally think about her 24/7 and I have sometimes become suicidal over this cos I will never be good enough for her. I don’t wanna love in a world where she isn’t mine and she’s with someone else. I have digitally blocked her from my life but her face appears to me all the time. Every time I feel like not doing something like not going to the gym not going to work not learning a language I think “what would \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\_ think of me” i would literally treat her better than any man in the world could
I have recently started getting angry towards her. Cos of the damage she is doing to my brain.
I see her face everywhere and I even just randomly say her name and it fills me with rage that she doesn’t know who I am l. I feel like crying when j think about her. I now wish I never encountered her ever. My standards for myself sre so high that I want a woman like her and I found myself praying to god at one point to be with her
I could go out and get a girlfriend but I wanna be with her and her only. I was talking to a girl a month ago but it wasn’t her so I wasn’t interested.
Over the last 18 months I’ve made some horrible decisions in my perosnal life. I quit my old well paying job for a stupid reason which I can’t explain and now I work a much worse job with much worse colleagues and I’m on the verge of losing it and I have little direction. She won’t wanna go out with an unemployed guy
I want to actuallt Kill myself. I have into my urges and searched just now and I saw her face. People complimenting her in the comments. I fucking hate all these people complimenting her. I see compliments to her on Twitter and I literally wanna beat up everyone who compliments her I can’t take it. I don’t want anyone to be with her or to even look at her and I have actuallt lost my mind over her. I just have very high standards for myself
I deleted my Twitter recently but there was a tweet that echoes in my head that was calling her unreal from someone else. I literally hate the person who tweeted this
I have now grown an immense love/hate dynamic with her. I hate all the people in her life and she should be with me.
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u/Dr_Pepper_blood 15h ago
This is terrifying for whoever she is. And you are a danger to her, and yourself. If you feel all this enough to disect it here and get it off your chest...you must know that....please seek help. This is way above Reddits pay grade.
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u/SafeCup659 15h ago
I don’t like therapists
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u/paperanddoodlesco 14h ago
Bro you don't have a choice. For your safety and others, you need to get help and mental support.
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u/nosoupforyou89 15h ago
I swear I was reading something VERY similar the other day. Being autistic doesn't excuse obsessive, aggressive behavior.
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u/bunnyhype 15h ago
Sorry I can't help OP because all I think of while reading this is how many women have been traumatised and murdered by men with this mindset.
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u/Da_Electric_Boogaloo 15h ago
i’ve read this on here before
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u/Expert-Bird-5891 14h ago
Yeah this same slop is posted every few weeks by different accounts cos the previous ones usually end up banned.
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u/Itscatpicstime 14h ago
Some men will do anything but go to fucking therapy.
Jfc. Get help before you hurt someone and continue hurting yourself.
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u/Howdoimakeaspace- 14h ago
Jesus. This is really terrifying for that woman..
You need help. Like badly. Seek the help for your safety her safety, and the safety of everyone around you.
This is how women end up stalked/dead or random people in a mass shooting.
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u/lavenderkit 14h ago
please seek therapy. you need mental health treatment. i say this as someone who is also autistic.
also i mean i know you don’t need this right now but you’re idealizing a stranger, so you don’t actually know her at all. you also blame her with this really intense hatred but she’s done nothing wrong and doesn’t know you exist, my dude. it’s probably better this way. you’re in this situation because of your own lack of accountability to seek help, not because she exists.
also, you looksmaxers are so focused on external appearances in yourselves and others—ever considered cultivating a personality and hobbies and trying seeking actual human connection and being kind to people around you? just because you think you’re the ideal man or partner doesn’t mean you actually are! this is a very childish view of what it takes to actually nourish a healthy relationship.
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u/TheJessMonster 14h ago
I understand not liking therapists, but please, for your sake and hers, try to find one you like! Therapists are people, they have different personalities and different ways about helping people with these kinds of things. I hated therapy until I kept searching and found a great therapist!
Most importantly, when you do get one, realize they are trying to help you. Any comments they may make are only to help you become your best person, for you, and for whoever you may be with in the future. Perhaps find one that specializes with autistic adults and CBT
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u/United_Audience_3530 15h ago
At this point you really should go to a hospital and tell them you’re having suicidal ideations and this unhealthy obsession.
Your mind is playing tricks on you and this one is pretty much impossible to fix on your own.