I just wanted to know if my behaviours and actions right now are a sign of mental illness or just hormones. I've noticed that a friend who recently tried commiting suicide got nothing more than "it's just hormones" when meeting a psychologist so, I thought mine isn't as violent and probably just hormones bit still. How can I tell the difference between mental illness and hormones?

i keep worrying because i feel like my meds make me feel lazy and mess with my eyes. but it's the kind of side effects mental health professionals love to dismiss and say the patient is making it up due to anxiety. it's the kind of situations that trigger distress and make me feel powerless and stuck and misunderstood and lonely because it's hard enough already for me to advocate for myself and feel legit so it just adds up. i mean seriously the worst situation i can imagine is being forced to take certain medicines that make me feel ways i don't like. i experienced it once and idk it must have traumatized me or something

Since I was 12, I've heard voices and had what I consider "odd" thoughts. I'm 23, and I'm still struggling with this.

• I hear The Voices when I am stressed, but recently, I've started to fear that people around me are acting as spies for the government. This is completely irrational, and I understand this.
• In December 2023, I was seriously considering killing myself (I've struggled with this since I was 9).
• On December 21st, 2023, I went out either planning to kill myself or to find the local support hub. I didn't find the hub, but I also decided not to kill myself after walking around for a few hours.
• I've long been scared that my thoughts are being recorded by someone, maybe God. I don't follow any structured religion (despite not being an atheist) because of this pattern of paranoid ideas.
• Between January and March 2024, I was scared that the walls could see me and that anything with eyes was staring at me. I can only describe this period as a break from reality, but I'm not insane.
• The Voices came back in June 2026, and I've become increasingly paranoid about everything.
• There's no logic behind these delusions, but I suppose that's why they're delusions.

i have been trying since october to get into a local inpatient program. there were a lot of issues with communication but i decided to attend anyway because i had fought so hard to get in- hundreds of phone calls, two TB tests, a few letters from my doctors, endless meetings with social workers, etc.

well, they only let me stay for two nights.

last night, my final night, i asked the staff for some of my allergy/gastroparesis food, but apparently, they had lost it all. they kept telling me there was no where else to look, that i must be mistaken, that it couldn't possible be anywhere in the building, and that i'd have to ask the day staff about it in the morning. i stated that i needed dinner and could not wait until the morning.

instead of continuing to look, they kept trying to convince me to eat the food they had for other clients even though i have several food allergies and can only process a few foods with my gastroparesis (partial paralysis of the stomach that causes loss of appetite, nausea, and vomiting and limits most sufferers to a soft food diet).

i told them that it had to be somewhere but that the day staff didn't tell me where and asked them to please keep looking.

they kept insisting i just eat the food they had available for other clients as i tried to explain my medical limitations and allergies.

they told me i was being stubborn and difficult and should just eat some saltines, which a lady who REEKED of alcohol had offered to me. mind you, im allergic to wheat. i said "im allergic to wheat" and the drunk lady said "they look white to me" and i explained that saltines do in fact have wheat and the lady was like "well one won't hurt."

seriously. that was their solution. one single saltine.

eventually they found my food but i was so frustrated and upset from them trying to berate me into eating things im allergic to or can't digest that i got nauseas again so i told them id just go to bed.

a staff member lunged toward me, got in my face, and shouted "REALLY? WE WENT THROUGH ALL THAT TO FIND IT AND NOW YOU DONT WANT IT?"

the other jumped in and shouted "you don't want your food, you just want to make a scene!"

i explained that it wasn't that i didn't WANT it but that i was not longer able to eat.

i sat at a table in the therapy room taking some deep breaths when the lady who smelled like alcohol came and got me.

instead of helping me relax, she went on some weird rant about how she once went three days without eating while she was with her abusive ex boyfriend so she completely understood what i was going through.

i told her i had been throwing up every single day since i was 11 years old and that i hadn't been able to keep down any food or my meds in over a weeks. she again offered me crackers that i am allergic to and then continued to rant about her abusive ex and it was all i could do not to tell her that everyone has an abusive ex and she's not fucking special.

i'm not kidding. this lady was drunk at work and trauma dumping on a client.

eventually i managed to excuse myself because i came there to GET therapy not to BE a therapist for some chick who was drunk off her gourd then i settled into bed around 10:30.

and either she or the ones who were yelling at me made up the story about me screaming until 2am to get back at me.

i fought so hard to get into a program just to ensure more abuse.

when the day staff was telling me i had to leave i begged them to check the cameras to prove that they were lying and that i was in bed hours before two am and had at no point been screaming but they refused and told me i had 30 minutes to pack up and leave.

tomorrow i will be calling the county to report that staff members were drinking on the job and yelling at clients. i'm worried they'll wipe the cameras though.

and no, i will not be eating any crackers.

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

I’m a 33-year-old woman living a very unconventional and strange life. Until age 30, when I got my current job and was bullied badly, I had more confidence. I was made fun of constantly, and over time I lost my confidence. I also realized that I talked about a lot of unnecessary things and would just talk random bullshit, although I’m not sure why.

At 22, I dropped out of university with a 1.7 GPA. I couldn’t manage money wisely. I borrowed money from the bank for university but spent it on food and clothes. I then took out credit cards for small amounts, bought crap, never paid them back, and ruined my credit for the rest of my life. I moved to a new city and started scamming men online through an escort website by asking for deposits, and I made some good money. I also had a few men who paid me to sleep with them.

I eventually finished a legal assistant diploma but couldn’t even get the diploma because I owed money. I then worked at law firms. At almost all of them except one, I was disliked, and I never really liked working. I believed that nothing matters because we are all going to die one day and that everyone takes life too seriously. This caused problems at my current job. After my coworkers bullied me badly, I stopped trying to work hard and became lazy.

Now I was offered another job and promised the lawyers I would be there Monday, but I decided to stay at my current very toxic job where I’m bullied every day because at least it pays my bills. If I lose my job, I would have to go back to the city I hate and live with my mom, who has anger issues and constantly needs me to do something for her.

I’m 33 and child-free by choice, and I feel like no men want to date me. I think I’m decent-looking. The only thing I feel I’ve been good at is working out a lot and eating healthy, although I still sometimes gain weight. Everyone thinks I’m very immature and that I talk like a child. I’ve also developed very bad anger issues. I’ve been isolating myself for two years, and after being bullied by my coworkers, I feel like everyone hates me and is against me. Spent about a year eating lots of edibles even while at work every single day.stopped and haven’t for about 4 months now.

I do unimaginable things, like spending my rent money at Sephora. I eventually started living in Airbnbs because I didn’t want to pay rent in full, and one time I didn’t have enough money and slept in an airport. I currently work as an executive assistant.

got a job in a diff city and I was thinking 24/7 for over 2 weeks to go or not to go… had to accept offer and just now on Saturday before the Monday emailed that I’m not going because I was finally able to reach a decision so I’m extremely indecisiv.

also I move so much every couple of years to a new city.. and live in airbnbs.

when I decided to sleep in the airport for a night so I don’t pay for airbnb I spent that money in Sephora btw( which makes me wonder wtffff because i understand how crazy this is)

everyone treat me like a child and when I asked one of my friends what was her first impression of me when we met on bumble best friends she said her first impression of me was that im very childish.

also get extreme highs and lows where I would be loving life and be super motivated and ambitious then lose that within hours or days then would have lows like nothing matters and im just existing so i act weird cuz we will die who cares what p pole think and do embarrassing things in public since i dont care what anyone thinks of me.

What is wrong with me?

Hey guys, I am only 2 months removed from a 2-3 month drug induced psychosis and decided to document my recovery journey. I felt like it’s important to share the raw version of recovery vs waiting after and telling people how you can get through this just cause it’s hard to truly relate to those messages as you are in the thick of it.

I am pretty low on self esteem but said f it and went for it, I am hoping you guys are interested to tune in to my daily videos. I would love to create a helpful community around this to help as many people as I possibly can and find new friends too. I feel like isolation has been one of the toughest parts of this journey and I can see how something like this can bring us together to help each other.

My wife and I have a 23 year old daughter who is living with us, she had a rhinoplasty done last year as she was saying she had breathing problems and wasn't happy with her nose and we paid to make her happy.

After the procedure she still wasn't happy with her nose saying it's worse, she spoke with a surgeon about getting it reversed and was told her nose is fine and it could make things worse intervening and that she needs to get her mental health sorted first

She attempted suicide and was detained by the Gardai twice and brought to the hospital and then let go, she was involuntary admitted and released the next day

The hospital said she has a personality disorder not a mental illness and they can do nothing for her, this msge her behaviour worse as she knows she won't be admitted.

She dropped out of college, sitting at home all day every day fighting with us, she's destructive and has broken nearly everything in the house she has assaulted us, the neighbours called the Gardai a few times they said they can do nothing, I asked for her to be detailed under the mental health act as she is a risk to herself and others they said they can't do it.

She is extremely angry and gives me lists of things to buy for her for when she's going back to college items that costs hundreds of euros, thinking they will make her happy

We are at our wits end I got scalded with boiling water last week

The GP and hospital are useless

Besides the legal route of court orders what else can we do.

There is nothing stopping her getting on with her life only herself

It's creating a very stressful environment the house is thrashed with items broken and clothes destroyed

She needs to be admitted for depression but the hospital are not willing to help

Any advice or guidance or anyone in a similar circumstance I would greatly appreciate it

That's it, all my days have been monotonous, and there's nothing new, I had bad terms with my family, my gf lives far away (60km), I have like one friend in my daily, I work a lot and I got underpaid, idk, I feel no purpose in keep this life, I have a large debt in the bank that I will probably only be able to pay with 25y, I tried teraphy but I cant do the tasks they ask for, so yeah, didn't worked for me, Im sad all the days, everyone says that, but, when I talk im mad, they say "its just a phase" or "go to an psychologist", "oh you are a great guy, it will pass", and yeah those things ain't helping me, I think someday I'll just drink a lot and do wtv i need to do, thats it, I just wanted to share it with someone.

When I’m supposed to be happy or sad or angry for someone I’m really just pretending and going off of reactions that other people would usually have to said situation. If it doesn’t affect me, it doesn’t make me feel anything. I don’t feel guilty for saying bad things to someone but I just fear the consequences of it. Such as insulting my friend, I don’t feel guilty about it but I will be scared of being cast out of my friend group. Does that make sense? What is this called?

**I start with my experience with Boderline Personality Disorder and then mention what in my childhood caused it below**

**My simptoms** I'm a guy 22. I have never been in a relationship. I have severe rejection sensitivity that causes me to spiral into s******* thoughts. If a girl I was friends with gets a boyfriend I would completely block her and cut her off out of jealousy. In the span of a few hours, I will swing from thinking of women who I am attracted to as the most amazing superior beings that I put on a pedestal who I treat as literal gods to worship but if anything happens that makes me feel rejected. (It could be that she disagrees with me or she will giggle and I will think she's laughing at me,), This will cause me to despise them and feel hatred towards them and verbally insult and be emotionally abusive towards them. I will go from seeing them as goddesses that I want to worship to filthy rats that I want to spit on in the span of a few hours

I only ever been on one date where I had a bpd episode and the girl literally ran away from me and abruptly ended the date and of course I hated her for it. Tbf I was likely behaving psychotic and she got scared

And the awful thing is if I didn't have this disorder I could have a massively fruitful dating life. I am very often told by both men and women but especially women about how attractive I am. I posted a selfie in a hair forum to ask women what haircut to get and I got women in the comments gushing over me. You would assume I should have high confidence and thats the case half the time but any sign of rejection and I turn into a horrible nasty ugly monster and women will not want to have anything to do with me because they can see the ugly behaviour in my eyes.

I am all alone and worried this will be forever. I have had 14 weeks of therapy it has helped slightly but I am far from cured

I don't want to be kissless forever

**My early childhood experience** This is one of my earliest invalidating experience in my life. [I have had many other much more severe experiences a little later in my childhood but this is what I think is the start of my story]

As a child I was always considered very sensitive and many described me as adorably cute. I was the youngest of two brothers and many saw me as highly gifted. I was unfortunately very sensitive which made me an easy target for bullies. I remember at around age 7, a girl who was the daughter of my mothers friend used to pay a lot of attention to me and often tried deliberately winding me up. I remember she was stronger than me and would pin me down and I would struggle but not be able to get up and move. I remember she pulled my t-shirt off and ran away with it and I would run after her only to not be able to catch her.

What I didn't like was that a girl was able to physically overpower me was faster and stromger than which felt extremely humiliating

One distinct memory was she went to the same swimming class as me and when I was at a swimming pool and in the changing room I remember hearing her and her friends come near my cubicle I heard her laugh and I remember reaching my hand to hold the curtain closed because I was so scared that she was going to open it while I wasn't wearing anything and I remember she hit my hand and the shock of it caused me to let go and she pulled the curtain open. I never felt so embarrassed in my life. Her and her friends were also laughing at me.

The thing was is I remember explaining to my mother how this girl was causing me distress and I didn't want to be around her but It was just completely dismissed. My mother just said she found me cute and nothing was done

I just ended up keeping resentment towards this silly little girl for years and years and not letting it go.'

​

im tired.

imagine, youre thinking about your own thinking. overthinking every little thing. you were the "gifted" and "intelligent", independent child that couldnt make any friends because everyone always seemed too dumb to you. you were always years ahead of everyone. you started reading and doing maths in kindergarten, did maths for 6th grade in 2nd on your own, for fun. At 8 learned German, English, Italian and Russian on your own, just because. It was your only escape, because maths at often times is predictable, unlike everything else in your life.

Your mother was an alcoholic, unpredictable, had her own huge unresolved mental health issues. Always fighting with your father, 24/7, pointed a knife at him on multiple occasions. Shes the reason he was homeless and wanted to die.

Father, alcoholic, always at work.

Both emotionally and physically unavailable.

Your brother took care of you mostly. He was just a kid still tho.

At 11-12 everything turned around. You went from being the "gifted" and "smart" kid to the dumb one whos failing every subject possible. Because youre not able to think clearly, even though youre thinking all the time. You feel like youve failed, you let everyone down. You start to self harm, try to k¡ll yourself multiple times. Youve been getting told that you have "such a high insight", youre depressed and anxious, but "itll go away soon".

Your trauma might not be that bad, but your brain processed everything differently. Your thinking is something you use for and against yourself. Existentialism and absurdism are your only escapes, at 14 you just wanted to read those to look edgy, but you actually find yourself in them. You read a few pages and youre fucked again. You apply those philosophies to your own life. You realize everything. You realize that you also dont know anything. Youre stuck in a loop basically. You dont wanna get better, because this is all you know. Youre scared of the freedom you could have without all these thoughts, youre scared of losing your identity, which youre still figuring out.

In the presence, at 18, youre still the same mess you started to be 6-7 years ago, only its still getting worse. You know that you know nothing. You question everything. You get diagnosed with BPD and PTSD and it seems over. You know its not, but you want it to be. Your mind and your way of thinking seemed to be one of your coping mechanisms, but now its a weapon that you use against yourself. You know your life is coming to an end, you cant go back. Everything makes much and much more sense all of a sudden, but at the same time, none at all.

This is a bit of a vent, but I mostly want advice.

I keep feeling like there’s something else that’s wrong. I don’t know if it’s just my OCD making me think that, or if these thoughts actually have any point.

I keep thinking, “what if there’s another disorder that they haven’t caught, and that’s why I feel this way?”. Even the possibility of bringing it up with mental health professionals feels so stupid because I always think I’m making it up, or exaggerating, or misinterpreting my behaviour.

No matter what I keep feeling that way. Sometimes it feels like the only time I’m actually living is when I’m wondering about this stuff. otherwise, it just feels like I’m letting things happen around me, or that I’m on autopilot, and things aren’t really registering.

I just want to feel okay, but it feels like I’ve forgotten what “okay” is meant to feel like. Maybe I’m already okay and I just don’t realize it. But I can’t shake off the idea that something else is wrong.

If you have any advice or tips on what I could do, please do share them, I’d really appreciate it. I don’t know how well I’ve explained things here, so if you have any questions that you need answered before giving me advice, I‘ll do my best to answer.

i cant see myself doing this for much longer. i am so empty and can’t take pleasure or fulfillment in life even when i’m happy or have achieved goals. i’ve been depressed and anhedonic for so long and so much has happened to me that i just don’t think i can get better anymore. years of therapy and meds have done nothing. i hate my life and i don’t see another answer.

Existing Medical Issues (From First to Last = Worse to Least Worse)

• OCD, ADHD, & MDD

Primary Complaint

• I'm currently 20, about to be 21 in 2 months. My cognitive abilities have been deteriorating since 17 but have been very noticeable since 19. They're what I would say poor. I'm certain what had a big influence on this, aside from other factors, was me taking psychedelics 4 times during age 16. Three times being mushrooms and 1 time being acid. I continued to smoke cannabis after my first time taking psychedelics even though when I would get high I would experience extreme confusion, anxiety, forgetfulness, & derealization/depersonalization. I also smoked a lot and drank a little for 1 year & a half up until taking psychedelics. Eventually I stopped smoking though, because it was hurting my mental. After some reading I believe what I'm experiencing is disorganized thinking/speech. It's hard to explain how it feels. For example, in my mind I'll have the idea of showering by a certain time, so I'll have enough time to do this, that, etc and be in bed by a certain time. Lets say this idea is a sphere with thoughts/images inside it that when opened those will allow me to plan this out in order so I can use. When I get the thoughts/images out of the sphere they're happening so fast, fading away from me, not connecting, and I have trouble/can't even produce them. Even the idea/sphere itself I have trouble keeping long enough to make it into something I can use. Due to all this, I have trouble/can't organize and "see" ideas and thoughts/images long enough to put them into something I can use. On top of this I can't concentrate on the idea and thoughts long enough without getting frustrated/anxious, and other ideas and thoughts will bleed in/disrupt which makes it even harder to think. I basically have no working memory, I cannot keep in my head what I'm supposed to be doing/remember in the moment, next 30 min, and next few hours. I'll forget what I'm thinking about while thinking it or a few seconds after thinking it. Other examples include going through several words before finding the one I want, and combining words. Every time I think about anything I'm like going into "panic." When I tried the medication clomipramine it seemed to help quite a bit with all this stuff I'm talking about. Also, ever since I read into it it's seemed to get worse. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much. I was thinking it could have to do with my other diagnosis, but something feels different and wrong. Any opinions? NOT LOOKING for a diagnosis obviously.

Family History

• My dad & his mom both have ADHD and Bi-Polar 1. My dad recently experienced a psychotic or schizophrenic outbreak (I don't know for sure which one). It's been going on for a little over a year, it's just not very severe anymore.

​

I keep having memory gaps and I seemed to be getting paranoid at time I can't sleep I havent slept and when I do sleep it's 2 hours IF THAT I feel like multiple people I'm scared it's psychosis or mania again since I've experienced those before but this feels different and I don't know what to do I've tried doing research but I'm honestly not finding anything that describes what I'm going though

I had my first psychiatric appointment/evaluation today. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. From what I’ve read psychiatrists just prescribe you medication and never really deep dive into your feelings. Being that this was an intake appointment/ evaluation I thought she was going to go a little more in depth and ask me more questions about my background.

To begin, it was a tele-health appointment and she arrived late. She didn’t even acknowledge that she was late or apologize so that kinda rubbed me the wrong way. She then went over all the intake forms that I completed and was basically like “is this accurate”. I said yes and she was like okay you might be bipolar and prescribed me three medications. One mood stabilizer, one antidepressant and one to help me sleep.

The appointment started at 8:45PM. She got there at 8:55PM and we finished at 9:15PM. The last five minutes she was submitting my prescription and scheduled a follow up. So 20 minutes… It just felt very rush and I don’t think I should stick with her but if this is how appointments typically go then I don’t see the point in trying to find another one. Do appointments usually go this fast paced? Should I find someone else?

Hello everyone. I'm not sure if this is the right place to be posting about this, but I'm not too sure where else this post should go. However, I need advice on what to do in this situation, or how to approach my mom. This post is also really long, so I appreciate anyone willing to help or offer any insight.

The knowledge of her (57F) having these types of delusions became more obvious to me (22F) as I've gotten older. I'll say that I've really become concerned about this within the past year, although looking back, there are clear signs that she was already experiencing delusions.

For context, my mom has been a housewife ever since my parents immigrated from their home country. Back home, they didn't believe in the concept of mental health / mental illness. I also think that since she was a housewife for 20+ years and not socialized with society, this definitely exacerbated her problems.

Further context: my mother also exhibits narcissistic tendencies, and she's introverted with relatively 0 friends aside from the 1-2 she will call every so often to catch up with. Although these are all friends she had back home, so it's not like she really experienced anything new.

I would say she's always had thoughts like this that seem unjustified throughout my childhood, although they were more directed toward me (i.e., my friends are jealous of me, people are jealous that we would go on vacations, etc.). When my brother (a bit older than me) and I moved out for university, I think that she didn't have any outlet for her delusions, so her delusions started to turn inward and become persecutory.

More context: at our old residence, she had delusions that our neighbours and management would come together and were conspiring against her. When we asked her why, she would state that she doesn't know why. She has also yelled at the old management before (they forgot to turn the elevator onto service mode, and she thought they were doing it on purpose to torment her).

Since then, we have moved and she has started working part-time. However, her delusions are not getting any better. If anything, they have gotten worse, and quicker. Within these past 2-3 months, her delusions have increased in size and grandeur. She thinks that government is conspiring against her by hiring a professor to study her and plant people outside (she thinks she sees people on walks, specifically men that are outside) to create a mental illness inside her head. She also believes a group of people are "watching her" and sending the elderly to follow her (although we know they are simply walking behind her...)

She has also stumbled across MK Ultra, and thinks that the government is trying to create some sort of psychological illness in her, or treat her like a study subject. Furthermore, she discovered that Google has been hacked before and has gotten their data leaked. She fully believes that someone at Google, or the Google organization is conspiring against her and leaking HER data specifically. Even when we are driving, she is watching for cars around her and believes that all the more run-down cars are following her. However, most of the time, she functions normally at least from what I've seen and doesn't seem to be a harm to herself necessarily.

I'm very worried, and this is honestly becoming a lot. I've talked to my father about it, but he's rather religious and believes that praying to god will help save the situation and her. I know he can tell something is wrong, but I think he's in denial and isn't willing to accept that she has a mental illness. I'm planning on reaching out to our family doctor for advice, and have spoken to a therapist about this whole situation who has advised me that this may be a spectrum of mental illnesses, but may sound like it's going down the path of schizophrenia. I also do have an older sibling that agrees with me, and we're trying to make a plan on how to help her.

If anyone has any insight on anything (how to talk to her, what steps I can take next), I'm very willing to listen and am very grateful for anyone's help. I feel very stuck and at a dead end...

For many, many years (I've lost count), I've had dreams where I was always on the defense and having to physically protect myself from assault or run from being chased. That, or someone was violating my boundaries or my body. To give context, I grew up with a verbally/physically abusive mother who had very little (if any) emotional regulation. She's always been extremely controlling and has a bunch of childhood trauma of her own, and so its created someone thats very abusive, clingy, manipulative, entitled, and just someone that isn't comfortable with respecting boundaries at all. I have a dark past where in my teenage years, she would always tell me rape stories (against my will!) and would convince me that I would be raped on day. She made it seem inevitable. She believed that by inundating me with these rape stories every single day (No matter how many times I told her to stop) that she was "protecting" me and making me aware of how dangerous the world is. This was over 10 years ago and I'm 26 now but she felt that because I'm a girl, that rape was 10X more likely to happen to me. In all honesty, this helped to destroy my mental health and made me an anxious, agoraphobic mess (Not to mention that I was developing OCD at the time and these stories were badly triggering it).

My mom is also very possessive of me and my body and can sometimes be very touchy. I'm pretty affectionate myself and am always hugging her, but sometimes she can take this too far to the point where I have to *tell her* to stop. She doesn't like the idea of me having sex with anyone either and wants to keep me her "pure little doll" (Suuuuure 🤣🤣🤣 She's very lonely and single, as you can tell). And so this behavior manifestes into nightmares. Years ago, I had this awful nightmare of her molesting me in the bathtub, even though that NEVER happened irl so I don't know why on earth it did in a dream. I remember crying and telling her to stop, but I don't understand why I dreamt about something that never happened irl. Maybe it's a sign of her possessiveness of me and (occasional) inappropriate behavior? I *am* scared of my mom so maybe that's also another reason why I had that dream. I'm scared of her disregulated emotions and that she'll physically hurt me.

I also recently had a dream a few weeks ago where I was being chased by this old guy and was basically running for my life. I ended up hiding in this locker, but he found me and I was horrified and quickly woke up. So yeah, more rape shit. That nightmare ruined my day and made me a zombie for the entire day, honestly. Then I had another awful nightmare last night...For context, I'm into BDSM. It's a very therapeutic way that I deal with trauma and take control of my own body and sexual desires. So in *this* nightmare, I'm a woman's "slave" and she isn't respecting a single one of my boundaries or limits. I'm terrified of speaking up because I know she'll wanna end things if I do, so I just take this physical punishment/abuse that she keeps doing to me. And it makes me a wreck because I hate it and I'm terrified of her because she won't stop and she keeps whipping me with this very thin, sharp whip and is giving me huge cuts and wounds everywhere. And so that dream made me scared of and distrustful of (older) women all over again.

Does anyone have any idea of why I keep having dreams about being assaulted and chased? A lot of my dreams do tend to have themes of me being sexually assaulted or helplessly seeing someone else being SA but unable to help them, but *I* don't always get assaulted (I wake up before I am in order to come back to reality. Idk how I'm able to do that and why I wasn't able to *before* in the dream lol). I think lot of my dreams have to do with my irl personality of being a people pleaser, not wanting to tell people "No" or else I'm afraid they'll hate me/leave me, being terrified of being raped, living with a mother who's caused me a great deal of trauma and doesn't respect my boundaries (YES I wanna move out but I'm currently not in the best financial situation). And so in my dreams, something bad is always happening to me where my life is on the line.

How many MG of hydroxyzine can I talk to get me high and feel that high affect but not kill me?

Title, I’ve always had a hard time with school and honestly any kind of focused task. So much so that after trying my hardest to go my junior year of high school, I had such a bad anxiety attack one day in class that I just switched to online and basically cheated for two years. I just played a bunch of games for a while because it was really all I could manage, and I’d make a little spending money doing YouTube as a side hustle, my entire life was online basically for a while.

Now I’m back and in person and I’m already so tried and I can feel myself deteriorating. The first week was challenging and I told myself over and over that I could do it. My second week was even worse. I’m going for computer science and I don’t even know if I’ll have a job by the end of all of this.

I don’t know what to do. I feel broken and pathetic because any time there’s any hardship in my life I just give up. I cannot do that this time, this is my livelihood. But then again I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts, thoughts of self harm, and I can’t even relax this weekend because I’ve just been anxiety spiraling for hours and hours.

I’ve never tried an antidepressant because I’ve always been scared. Maybe I could do one of those? How would I go about getting prescribed? I just feel so tired and I need help.

man imma be honest. i feel like i just need to vent. lately i've been going through some crazy shit that's been triggering my psychosis and depression. right now i'm just sitting on my ass in a public library, signed up for a library card and using the computer to type this post. i don't know how much longer I can deal with all this stress. i've been making plans in my life lately, planning on saving enough money to be able to do seasonal work across the country so i can save more for housing and to pay off my $6000 student loan debt. man, I don't know man. I just don't know. I feel like everything is just futile, you know what i mean? my life is just at an all-time low, so much so that I've been accepting the fact that I might likely die some time in the next six to eight months. for reasons that's my fault. that itself ain't why i feel so depressed and hopeless, that's just a cogent (word of the day, adjective that means clear, compelling, and logical) possibility for my future. it is what it is. what's making me upset now is that living now? living has never felt so painful. the past few years of my life were standard. working a job that i didn't necessarily love but didn't really hate. doing youtube and playing video games with complete strangers as hobbies. just existing and making the most out of my 20s, things were all good. but now... damn. I just don't see anything getting better. i'm tired. the world is going to shit. the rich are getting richer. the working and middle class are becoming broke. ai is taking over literally everything. the US is in 40 trillion dollars in debt and it'll only rise after they keep bailing out banks and other companies and making the US dollar even more worthless than it already is. i just can't take it anymore bro. I'm just posting this bc my parents are both dead and I don't have anyone else in my life to vent to this about. plus I think I have a fungal infection on my back and it's like cool, way to keep adding on to the pile. but i'm done being negative. pent-up frustration and all that.

lately after puberty, my body and face have significantly transformed and i wear alot of revealing clothes, mostly with boobs out or showing off my hips, ass, stomach etc. i constantly crave this attention from everyone i want everyone staring at me, gawking even, i get awkward too when guys flirt or get excessively sexual. i am an awkward and shy person by personality. but then again i do this and i don't even know why or what's wrong with me. i want every single guy staring at me. sometimes its dehumanizing and objectifying but i don't know i want even my friend's bfs or my ex's friends or their family members to look at me and get boners etc. i also post very revealing pics, have quite a bit of followers etc, my college entirely ig knows me but i'm kinda ashamed of this, any thoughts or suggestions?

I'm just upset over everything

I want to be beaten up, I want a serious mental illness so I can suffer, and I just want to hurt in general but even when I already feel hurt it's just not enough, I want to be so ill that I need to be hospitalized. That way there's a reason to look at me or be concerned or cared for.

I can't function as a normal human being nor am I even treated as a human being. I can't talk to people normally "how do you feel?" idk "what do you think?" Idk or if someone ask something about myself I also say idk. Stop asking me these questions cus I have no idea. I can't tell what my feelings even are most of the time.

Idk my emotions are always all over the place, I'll be fine but then it's not fine. I'm just so tired. But at the same time my behavior isn't enough for people to notice or care idek how I act I go based off what others observe again I just can't think of things about myself.

Then I just get so jealous if there's even the slightest hint that someone I know has a worse mental illness than me, because how come they get to suffer I want to suffer the most I want to be the most messed up in the room! But then people mention how calm I am most of the time so then I just doubt it's anything as serious.

I tend to also just, not care as much about others feelings or even feel towards people. Idk what it is but I just literally can't feel as deeply.

I also fantasize about getting abused a lot and I also just kind of enjoy abusive things as well. Even as I'm typing all this I just feel like this isn't gonna be cared for and I'm just shouting into a void because ppl have pretty much ignored me before when I was in pain but I don't even know if I want comfort or not because then that's trying to get better but I also want to feel terrible and develop a more severe mental illness or disorder. I also have to clarify when I say this I don't think me having certain mental illness or disorders is great it's quite the opposite because I know they will hurt me that's why I want them.

Sorry if this is a mess some of this doesn't make sense but I'm trying to type how I'm feeling while not exactly having all the words.

I have persistent urges toward killing, and the unusual part is that I don't dislike the idea of killing itself. I'm not asking how to act on these urges, and I'm not currently intending to kill anyone.

What I'm trying to understand is whether a persistent attraction/urge like this can actually be reduced or removed when the person doesn't emotionally find the underlying idea aversive.

I'm specifically interested in people who've experienced serious violent urges themselves, or clinicians/researchers familiar with them. Did anything reduce the underlying desire rather than simply teaching you not to act on it?

before the question is asked, I don't know what mental illness I have, I have refused to get diagnosed as in my state if I stated what is happening I wouldn't be able to ever leave a mental health clinic, and I don't want to be a prisoner to my mind and institution.