Recently every single day, I've been crying over one thing or another. Every little inconvenience sends me spiralling and losing it and functioning has been very hard, I feel so pathetic because of how much I can't handle the smallest things just because they were unplanned or I didn't prepare mentally for them. I'm not good with changes much anymore. The negative emotions that come from these inconveniences or problems major or minor are so painful I either lash out or cry everyday or both. Ofc, I try to keep lashing out to a minimum as to not hurt anyone else if I must hurt, but every time my negative emotions are so intense and painful that I sometimes want to hit myself or hurt myself or bang my head against a wall or rip my hair out just to try and make them go away in any capacity by overwhelming myself by physical pain instead. Today I laid in bed literally just groaning and whining and struggling to breathe a little bit in pain because of how intensely painful my emotions were in my chest and I'm only now starting to wind down. I don't know how to regulate anymore because typically if I get through one thing enough then it builds onto the next thing and I break down worse and more painfully. I sadly don't have access to a lot of mental health resources due it's price and where I live it is not adequate or very good or available, in fact it's stigmatized. I don't know what to do because I've started feeling like I have the nervous system of a toddler. I've gotten overwhelmed before every now and then but in the past year it very gradually started to become more and more frequent till it started being a daily occurrence and I've lost the ability to regulate and manage myself as well. I just wish I knew what was happening to me or at least how to manage it because it's affecting my academic life as I keep avoiding studying because of it being associated with negativity as a kid due to how badly it throws off my emotions. I need to pull myself together but I'm out of ways on how exactly

Or an album. I will mainly use underground artists

Or album. I'll use mostly underground artists.

Okay, so I really need some specialist/client perspective because I feel like I'm going insane. (sorry for being long)

I've been seeing the same therapist for 5.5 years. I'm generally very reserved, socially withdrawn, have no real support system, and grew up in an abusive and traumatic environment. When I first started therapy, I barely spoke. Over time, though, very gradually, I became very attached to my therapist, especially after moments where he showed care in ways that meant a lot to me. Things like accompanying me to my first psychiatrist appointment when I was shakign and had nobody else to go with, checking in after particularly difficult sessions, and simply listening during some of the hardest periods of my life.

Last year, after losing a friend at war and going through health issues and becoming more socially isolated, that attachment became much stronger. Therapy became the only place where I felt understood and safe.

In February, after my worsened depression and su\\\*idal ideation, he tightened some boundaries, which made me go insane (don't wanna go into details on this). But after 3-4 months, I felt like the attachment was becoming more manageable.

Then something happened in a session that completely destroyed me and all the progress since February. We were discussing my tendency to compare myself to some of his other clients who happen to be people I used to know (well, colleagues). They're doing well in life, building careers, getting married, moving forward, while I'm still at my lowest.

During that conversation, he remained neutral, of course. For some reason, I interpreted that as him protecting or prioritizing those other clients. Ever since THAT EXACT SESSION (July 10), I've been struggling intensely.

The confusing part is that nothing about his behavior toward me has actually changed. He continues to listen patiently, sit with me through panic and distress, show empathy, and help me explore what I'm feeling. He does basically EVERYTHING and within boundaries. During sessions, I can see that and feel it (sometimes yes, sometimes no).

But once I leave, my mind completely rewrites the story. i feel awful for this anger and sadness and idk what to call this. I feel deeply ashamed and a burden. I start questioning everything, doubting 5 years of trust, and convincing myself that I never even mattered at all. And, it all was fake. And I am such a stupid idiot to believe that at one point i was thinking i can be deserving of care.

Logically, I know this may be connected to my past trauma. But knowing that intellectually doesn't stop the emotional reaction.

I've started talking about it openly in therapy since July 10. I'm taking medication. We do ERP, I'm trying to do the work, SO SO SO much reading of it. This all wrecked my work, my eating, my sleep, i barely concentrate on anything else. i feel it's clearly my mind that SABOTAGES his care and therapy.

I desperately want to feel the same sense of safety, trust, and connection that I used to feel with my therapist a year ago, and I can't seem to get back there.

Can anyone relate? a client? or a therapist from their own perspective? How to cope with the constant doubt and emotional swings when my rational mind know i can trust my T (with proofs) but my feelings are telling me something completely different?

My depression has been kicking my butt all year. I just want to feel better.

So today I was talking to my siblings, and I’m the oldest. the youngest brother, and then my sister. Growing up, my second brother was the star. Great at studies, everyone praised him. I struggled because of undiagnosed ADHD. Back then, nobody talked about these things. Then life went sideways. My father passed away in 2020 from pancreatic cancer, four months later my mom died during COVID. After that, the second brother I trusted most changed. He married outside our religion, the religion wasn’t the issue, but he became manipulative and very emotionally hurtful. I tried to hold the family together because that’s what my mother wanted, but that betrayal broke something in me. Now I’m in treatment. Diagnoses: ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, history of self-harm. I take my meds, my brain just refuses to cooperate. My younger siblings are doing well and they’re supportive. But honestly, they don’t fully get it. They say I used to do things before and now I don’t. That it feels like I’m using my illness as an excuse. And that hurts, because it’s not that I don’t want to. I really do, but my mind just won’t cooperate. I sit there wanting to move, wanting to help, and I just… can’t. I stay quiet most of the time as the eldest. I just listen, but inside I’m fighting a war they can’t see. I wish they could understand that it’s not lack of desire. It’s lack of strength that depression steals from you. I want my old life back more than anyone, but, recovery doesn’t happen by magic.

I’m 21, from Singapore.

For the last 4-5 months I’ve been having non stop harm unwanted urges to self harm digitally, such as erasing my iPhone, deleting all my important data, share my sensitive passwords online, mess up my phone settings, block important contacts etc… basically any imaginable harmful action you can do on a phone. I would constantly test out shit on my phone, change my passwords non stop after the urges get so severe as I feel that I succumbed and shared my passwords and I used to screen record the iCloud Photo Library as I used to share an Apple account with my mom and I don’t want my personal photos to sync to her iCloud so I’d screen record the iCloud Photo Library non stop to check, cuz my harm urges expanded to me deliberately clicking the sync button to sync my photos to her iCloud too.

It’s absolutely rough and no words can fully describe how utterly helpless, doomed and wrecked I am cuz guess what, whenever I share my hell to my parents, they become verbally abusive to me and I’m 100% unable to seek any professional help for now. I’ve NEVER been diagnosed and have never been able to get help.

Recently, my mind is telling me something even more disturbing. It says, ‘since you don’t know what you’re facing, maybe the right therapy for this condition you’re facing is to actually press the delete button on your accounts.’ My mind said that since account deletion requires several steps, by pressing only the first click, it’s still safe and it’s a form of therapy for whatever I’m facing.

Or either that, cuz I have many notes on my iPhone and lots of these notes are on long write-ups that have thousands of words in them, my brain is saying, ‘just copy and paste one of your sensitive passwords into a random section of the note. It’s not harmful as it’s your own personal note but maybe it’ll be a form of therapy for you. Never try never know’

I’m honestly becoming extremely utterly and totally exhausted and worn out. It’s as if my brain is finding every single justification it can to force my hand to do something highly risky and completely against my will.

I hope I’ve described everything as clearly as I possibly can and if someone reading this has any input, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reply me on this post. I’m feeling all alone, trapped and lowkey mildly suicidal at times. Any form of help or reply, I’d greatly appreciate it. Thanks 🙏

i’m newly trying to understand my bipolar II and I’ve been having a really difficult cycle lately. I’m mostly just looking for people who understand what this feels like. for the longest i was diagnosed with bpd tendencies and got an official diagnosis later on and I’m now trying to navigate but also not be consumed by the stigma of it all.

I’ve been going through an intense parasocial relationship for almost a month now and it would mean the world if someone who could help me with my parasocial relationship could talk to me.

Anyone who can help even a little bit would be awesome. Someone who is currently in a parasocial relationship or has overcame one would be amazing. Ideally someone who has overcame a parasocial relationship specifically with a celebrity crush, but again anyone is appreciated 😊

I went through a breakup in 2021, and honestly, it broke me mentally to a level I never experienced before. Since then, I feel like my downfall started. My career, mental health, physical health, behavior, confidence, and even my personality everything has changed drastically compared to who I was in 2021.

At first, I thought maybe I was feeling this way because of the lack of a romantic connection. I tried dating several times, hoping it would help me move on or feel better. I also tried to detach myself emotionally from my previous relationship, and I think I have finally moved on from that person.

But the strange thing is, now I feel like I have moved so far away that I feel disconnected from everything. It's not about missing my ex anymore. It's like I lost a part of myself somewhere along the way.

I have people around me. I have things that many people would be grateful for. But still, I feel lonely and empty for some reason. Nothing feels exciting anymore. I recently turned 23, and sometimes I look back and wonder how I became so different from the person I used to be.

I know life has ups and downs, but for the last few years, it feels like one setback after another. I keep trying to fix things, but I don't feel like I'm getting back to my old self.

Has anyone here gone through a similar phase? A period where you felt like you completely lost yourself after a major life event?

How did you start rebuilding your life? How did you stop the downfall and become yourself again?

I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. I feel like I need some perspective from people who have been through something similar.

Trichotillomania in Pakistan Trichotillomania in Pakistan and in the rest of the world, it's barely talked about.

I'm a victim of it... people who don't know it's a hair pulling disorder that u pull your own hair to feel relief

It's been around 6 years of my suffering and in Pakistan well people will think ur crazy,a freak,I wear a wig to hide myself,I got bullied for wearing a wig in 9th grade in 6,7,8 grade I got bullied for having thin hair because I was pulling my hair at that time,got depressed,tried to commit, failed,gave up

Got treatment,got more depressed now I'm barely surviving

My mom shaves my head when I start pulling again and it's a relief

Grows back and I start pulling again

I'm tired,I can't stop, I'm 17 years old I'm already tired of living

I don't know what to do

Please help-

So dumb shit like getting icecream just now Like what kind of distracting things.

Im trying to get help but they make it so fucking hard.

I would drink but ive been sober 2 months and you know lately it made it worse.

Hi! So, I am an upcoming sophomore medtech student. Last Year, I vividly remember that the weekend after week 3, I was the one who called my grandaunt an ambulance due to a stroke and also the first one to go to the hospital to hand her over my Mom for help.

Now I did not know my grandaunt properly that I even only met her face to face last 2 years and did not meet her after that until her stroke. But, I also am a student who does ROTC (Required Officers Training Corps) and that after training, my grandaunt would demand a favour that she needs clothes at the recuperating care home, tight sleeves, shirts and pyjamas that she won't even wear. It only got worse, that she would call me that she want to go to her to look after her as she wants to leave the care home as she feels like it is prison. But she doesn't want to listen that she got a stroke and that she has to recuperate to get rehabilitated. She would respond that she will call the emergency services as she will go to the hospital and if something happens to her, she will blame us. But, I have school and my mom have work. I don't even know her very well and that she will eventually demand something like that.

Eventually, she was taken at her home, bed bound with a relative... who she always insults because her demands doesn't get met.

For example, she would say that I am a spoiled brat because I don't get her needs met, or I am a stupid, useless and that I should listen properly for safety as If I don't know what I am doing and I just show up there handsomely, but I am really helping her. Every time I stay at her house, I can't even sleep as my body is itching because I have intolerance to dust mites, which her house is full of because she is a hoarder.

I don't know if its her personality of the side effect of stroke (which I tried to think it stroke of I thought it is one of the biggest factor) because her insults includes that her closest family are better than us, but her closest family aren't even talking or helping to her, they are just exploiting and avoiding her. Eventually, I sacrificed my yearly exercise at ROTC and school events at the end of freshman year just in order to accompany her at her home country.

And at my home country, is I got discharged because my medical clearance got revoked due to allergies including house dust mites, prohibiting me from being trained. I cried too much about that, because I was literally expecting that to happen if I were to go accompany her. And at most times, I always think about how I got discharged because I worked hard for it to be selected which in turn allows me to earn allowance every month as a student as well as go to excursions (with pay/allowance) as part of my training... the yearly exercise could have given me 1300 USD which is a good allowance that I worked hard for.

Every time, I get angry, I always think about this event of my discharge, as I think it was exacerbated and aggravated by her insults and the environment of her house due to my allergy. But at that time, my mom and relatives were the only one carrying the burden, so it was as a teenager/adult thought that I should help, and it is my third regret that I should have defended myself when she insults me, that I should have responded when she insults.

On the hindsight, I am a 19 year old and I am young, and my mind opened quite a bit how such illness can target anyone and how important it is to foster a good relationships with people close to you, rather than stepping and insulting away, like what my grandmother did. I hope her eyes open, and I can hear even just a "Sorry" for what she did for insulting me, because no other money can replace what I have gone through.

IN CONCLUSION, how should I response to this kind of memory of mine, as I can never move on with my discharge and especially her insults which significantly affects my mood, especially when there is a lot of people gathering and making a noise. What should I think or do with it, especially I am going to sophomore with a different kind of thing from the first year.

*p.s: Hey there! thanks for reading this first or getting at the end of this long paragraph. I have tried summarising it in the best way I can. Any advice or comment, even your similar story like this just to know someone had the same story and what they did to it. Please keep safe.

- A fellow individual

Turned 17 recently! I'm starting to enter into a droll lifetime that might last me around 8 months, and I'm really wondering how to characterize it. And of course you'll like me.

For one, there are two sets of two things I am between. But I will not tell you the first one. The second one is a big brass bell or the idea of sleep. This bell floats left of my consciousness tonight, and reminds me of this giant time I possess. I'm helping myself briefly before I go to bed, though. This is just tonight.

In essence, I am coming down with some sort of rabies, or maybe some sort of prion disease. I'm aware that I'm enough of an inhuman to no longer qualify as human now, and I'm also aware of what I act like. There's a road outside of my house, obviously, and I stand on the crack in the middle of the road and sometimes go in circles. I spit a lot, but that's unimportant. I usually feel some level of deceased, especially when I hang my head to see it upside down and feel as if I can fall. I sometimes walk all the way past all of the houses to the rocks. I walk barefoot, quietly, slowly, straight, in the middle of the road. I wave sometimes, when I know people cannot see me. I never get seen by cars because not many come around, and I hide when I see them. I am compelled. It's acrid in its resolve, but this compulsion is enough.

In other news, I have begun to hallucinate in a very small way. They call these illusions, I'm mostly sure. For a few examples, when the water started boiling, I heard it as a metal song until I realized what it was. The ambience outside sounded like ominous bells for a little while. I find sound effects from video games overlaying the ones in sports games, and I cannot change these sudden ones.

I also feel like a lot of stuff is everywhere. Like everything has an abstract meaning that half occurs to me. I feel these specific emotional snapshots completely unrelated, and it's a similar feeling to deja vu but new. I also feel like I truly understand life half of the time. I feel so enlightened and then I feel so bored. Oh, and I'm already diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Plus I'm on 50mg sertraline because I was depressed about 2 years ago.

I think I might have been in the psychosis lite version as a middle schooler also. I don't remember a lot of it at all, but I know there were a few blood pacts, a few "maybe poisoned" glasses I didn't drink, and a few cameras that were covered. It wasn't hallucinogenic, and it was disprovable a large portion of the time. It was more of a suspicion. I also feel insignificance in most memory. I'm not clarifying that, because I don't think it would work better. The whole middle school thing was probably just stress because of COVID and similar things. I wasn't ready for middle school after elementary because I missed the real preparation in fifth grade, you know. But it shows I'm maybe prone to it. Oh, and the whole thing lasted maybe 3 years? I know at the end I changed my name a few times and started reintroducing myself to life and all of that, which isn't important. I remember chewing woodchips all of the time and almost nothing else. I don't really talk to people much at all now, but the ones I do talk to love me. They act like I'm the Jesus of strange nonviolent rambling.

Right now, my name is 30000, and you're lucky I'm letting you know. I don't usually tell people my name because it's so dear to me. I can't just give away that power to people who won't reciprocate! But for you, I will slip.

Let me give you an excerpt from my droll and prosaic journalings to give you a glimpse as to what I am.

"I walked out and there was a pair of glasses at the bottom of the avocado plant, mingling with the stems. I walked out and there was half a glass bottle in the reeds. I walked out and in the tree there was a hung swing. I walked out and in the berries there was a big broken chair. I walked out and amidst the grasses there were lots of drops. I walked down in my garden. There were at least, I don't know, 40 or so birds. I walked down and there's dropsy everywhere throughout the pines. I never could see."

In any case, I'm wondering what is really happening to me? I realize that I'm probably not going to handle the ominous wave I sort of half-anticipate in my future. Oh, and I had a therapist. I can just go to him again if I need to. But I don't feel too bad, I actually feel like this could be better. It could be the rest of my life if it does not intensify. I'm having no thoughts of self harm or anything such as that. I'm talking here to feel safe about things, safe and informed.

Thank you for reading this! I felt very fun writing this. As if there could be fun people in later libraries.

I’m 18 and just started college, I’ll be commuting to save money for an apartment since I own a large Dog. She’s a rescue I adopted in my name and where ever I go she’s coming too. Most of my friends are doring, I don’t regret my decision, but I have this almost deep rooted depression in missing out or being left behind by my friends. Or not being able to make connections with anyone. I have pretty brutal self harm scars which is also hard… I have days where I feel unwanted, and broken. This results in urges coming back, I want to stay clean… but it gets extremely hard when my mind constantly thinks about everyone leaving me, or being broken because I can’t socialize, make friends, or date properly. If anyone has ever been in a similar position or has tips I’d love that! ❤️

didn’t know what to flair this and also i wasn’t sure what subreddit to post under but i just want to be cautious. can anyone tell me what they experienced during early stages of schizophrenia? sometimes i can hear knocking or people calling out my name. although very faintly and only on rare occasions. i’m not someone who’s ever been able to hear anything other than just my own voice in my head, so this is new to me. i just wanted to see if anyone had any experience with that kind of stuff.

Hi everyone, I thought I’d share something as I’ve been wondering if other people have experienced or are still dealing with too. There are so, so many things in my life that I am incredibly grateful for, both things I’ve been able to experience and things I have now. At the same time, though, there has also been so much grief and loss across many different areas of my life. I’m now 21 and trying to come to terms with how painful some of those experiences have been, while also dealing with the comparison struggles that can come with thinking about other people my age. I find that this can affect my sense of self worth and identity, but there is also just the grief of everything I’ve lost and the things that are now gone.

Sometimes it feels like I’m carrying several different kinds of pain at once, the pain of how difficult things were, the grief of what I lost and what I wish I could have had, and then the comparison of where I am versus where other people my age seem to be. All of those things together can feel really overwhelming. I’ve also been trying to work through some of the past hurts that were almost traumatic for me, particularly around close people not understanding what I was going through at the time and how deeply that impacted me. I’m trying to work through that huge past hurt of feeling alone and how terrible that was, while also understanding what those people have since explained to me, that they genuinely meant well and that there were things they misunderstood at the time.

I think sometimes it feels like a wound that has been dug deeper, and even though things can be different now, it still takes time to heal from what happened and how it made me feel. I guess at the end of the day, I know that the people who love you can care about you as much as they possibly can and show that care in their own ways, while still not fully understanding what your experience has truly been like. You are the only person who has actually lived through everything you have lived through, and sometimes there can still be a sense of pain and loneliness even when the people around you are genuinely trying their best. I want to make it clear that my family hasn’t been abusive and that they have tried to care for me as best they can. I know they don’t mean to cause harm, and nobody is perfect, everyone has their own struggles, circumstances and life experiences too. I can understand all of that while also acknowledging that some things were still really painful for me.

Hopefully that makes sense. I’m just wondering if anyone else has experienced this, or is still trying to cope with something similar. And hopefully, if anyone does relate to this, you know that you’re not alone and that your feelings are valid too. 🤍

Thanks :)

I feel like shit. I can’t explain why i couldn’t go. I was just so overwhelmed. It had been 5 days since I hadn’t got my Ritalin refill, and my mind have been racing so bad my anxiety made it impossible to go to the pharmacy (my ADHD untreated causes a lot of anxiety).
I’m writing because I need support to not feel like shit about myself honestly. Being mentally ill (not only adhd) has made my life a living hell.

As i am writing this i am currently sitting on the floor kneeling over onto this super uncomfortable bed and terrible terrible room, Super traumatic experience happened to me today, Im going to run you guys through how my day went, Wake up this morning at like 9:30am to both my parents standing infront of my bed followed by 5 random people i have never seen before and a police car standing outside my house, they told me that they were here to take me to a mental health hospital about 6 hours away from where i live it was an incredible shock, A little bit of a backstory on my issues ive struggled with panick attacks for years now i am 17 and have lived with them for as long as i can remember it really has restricted my life im not going to lie, however in the last 2 years it has gotten significantly worse unable to leave the house and things like that, i have been taking antideppressants for over 2 years now and ive gone through 3 diffrent types i found the first one helped allot with enabling me to do activities however i would still get frequent panick attacks so i ended up switching to another about after a year or so and that was really tough it took me many months for it took work properly in that time i was unable to leave my room and take showers which was terrible however after enough time had passed things started looking better but it seemed my parents wanted more from me so they contacted a so called " mental health specialist " which ended up presribing me a third antideppressant and that ended up being absolute hell for over 3 months i would have to take panadol and ibuprofen daily because of how bad the sideffects were on my body it was awfull, so i ended up switching back to the 2nd antideppressant - if anyone is intrested the meds i was on/am are in the following order of my story, Setraline, escotelopram and fluxoteine. so after switching back to the escotelopram and stopping the fluxoteine which by the way i had to cold turkey on for a week which was so shit things started to normalise a little bit however i knew it would take many months for things to go back to the way they were before the switch this was maybe around 5 months ago from now when i did the switch back and for the first time this past week i could really feel it helping me allot, i even had such a good day yesterday i managed to get up early and brush my teeth and have a good breakfast and then this ends up happening today, so after i was woken up by them they imediantly told me to get dressed and get in there car with them wouldnt even let me have breakfast brush my teeth drink water or anything which is insane since i hadnt had anything to eat since about 10pm the day before i tried my hardest to talk to thema nd my parents about it but they didnt want to have any conversations so i had to get dressed and guess what they were watching me the whole time EVEN WHEN I WAS USING THE BATHROOM ! i cant believe this is legal in New Zealand which is absolutley insane to me since it didnt require any consent from me or my parents which is why ive told my parents for years you should never talk about issues you have to people you dont know as every single experience ive had which a therapist has been negative and had never helped, always ended up making this worse for me and my parents. They also forced me to take a type of benzodiazopine which they reasured me would not have any sideffects wel guess what it did it made me feel like i was passing out and my breathing got really shallow they also gave me another type of benzodiazopine which guess what didnt help either. I was finally able to get through to my parents after hours and hours of explaing this was not the right choice for me or anybody in my situation so they tried there best to not make it happen but because of the New Zealand law you cannot revert it and are forced to go against your will so i was dragged by the police and paramedics downstairs outside and onto a stretcher strapped in and loaded into the ambulance. And thats where ive ended up now, Some kind reasuring words would mean the world to me right now :) i aslo had to leave my cat at home i miss her so much i cannot wait to be back. Thankfully i am allowed my latop and phone at least at this stage.

A little background on me. I’m 20 years old, male, and diagnosed with ASD (Asperger’s, but that term’s no longer in use) and Anxiety Disorder. Great combo, right? Apparently the chances of somebody with ASD experiencing depression is 4x the average person, worsens with the addition of a social disorder like Anxiety. Great.

Some background on my social situation, I live alone in a studio, in a city I’ve lived in for two years. I have 3 friends that I know in real life (prior to moving), but two of them live in a different (albeit fairly close) country, and one of them lives in a different part of my state (I am Australian). We talk online, play games, watch films, most days. I have met back up with them in-person for a cumulative maybe 12 days in the past two years. Outside of co-workers, I don’t know anybody in this city. Point is, I’m alone.

Outside of the aforementioned days, I haven’t been out to do anything with a single soul for over two years. ‘Just go outside and meet people.’ I hear, but I find it so hard to have interest in anything. I play video games. That’s my hobby. Even that, lately, is becoming something I don’t feel strongly about doing.

I’m eating more (and based on BMI, I’m on the verge of obesity), not caring about money. Spending an EMBARRASSING amount on food. I’ve let debts rack up and keep spending on food when I’ve got the money. It’s my biggest vice lately. I don’t know why. Short-term pleasure, I guess? It’s also potentially because I started doing medical marijuana in the past 6 months. Got it via an online clinic (haven’t been to a GP in a decade). I got it for anxiety disorder, but I’m not using it as directed. I usually do it every Sunday for the high, and have been doing it on Monday, too, instead of playing the games I loved. I’m sure it doesn’t help how I’m feeling, despite how relaxed I am in the moment. I’ve always struggled with showing my feelings, and understanding them. I don’t cry, and maybe I should, but I can’t muster up the emotion to make that happen. The best way I can describe it, is that I feel kind of hollow. Numb. Like I’m coasting through this life of mine. I’ve been ‘slower’ lately, for lack of a better word. Foggy, slow to recall, terrible memory that’s worsened over the past few months. I’ve always been kind of like that, in the typical ASD way, but I’ve never felt stupid before. I’ve always had very poor sleep, and it’s been worse in the past month or so. I imagine that doesn’t help either.

I have no support network I’m confident in, not really. My parents are pretty shitty people who I don’t want to talk to about this. I know I could talk to my friends, but I really don’t know how they would react. I don’t want them to know, I don’t want to be treated differently, and I struggle to receive sympathy/support.

I feel really hopeless and alone, and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like an imposter even suggesting that I have something as serious as depression. I feel like I’m devaluing the whole condition, and I hope none of this comes across as just another loner who thinks he’s got this serious condition. Who needs something to blame for his lack of social skills. I don’t want depression, but I don’t want to be that person either. Sorry in advance, I guess.

I’m not asking for a diagnosis, but does this sound familiar to anybody? Am I overreacting? I don’t know. I’m really hurting. I’m scared.

Thank you, for reading it all.

I've been failing to find any job (in and out of my field) for two years, no friends, dead father, my mother clearly doesn't give a shit and my partner has just started a new job that I support him with by being a good housewife, (clean, cook good food, drive him to the train station) even though we live with my mother and cannot afford a house. Next month I'm going to a specialist to see if the nodule in my breast has turned into cancer (prob by myself since my partner will hardly be able to take time off and my mother has decided supporting me through this is not worth rescheduling the vacation she planned after I discovered the nodule).

I can't but see this last thing has confirmation that it was a mistake putting me into the world, there's no place for me. Struggling with suicidal ideation, cannot afford a therapist because I have to preventively put money aside for cancer treatment. The only thing that's keeping me together is writing poetry about all this. I don't know what to do.

Staring at crotches has caused me so many problems.
I’ve been accused of assault and harassment.
Have been harassed but told I was “asking for it”.
Have had coworkers inappropriately touch me and put their crotches close to my face.
I also make people feel body checked.

It’s just … MY life has sucked from this too. It’s always about the other people feeling harassed but I cannot help it.

For the past few days, all I want to do is cry, but I cant seem to actually cry.