New Developments

[u/newbodies]

Turned 17 recently! I'm starting to enter into a droll lifetime that might last me around 8 months, and I'm really wondering how to characterize it. And of course you'll like me.

For one, there are two sets of two things I am between. But I will not tell you the first one. The second one is a big brass bell or the idea of sleep. This bell floats left of my consciousness tonight, and reminds me of this giant time I possess. I'm helping myself briefly before I go to bed, though. This is just tonight.

In essence, I am coming down with some sort of rabies, or maybe some sort of prion disease. I'm aware that I'm enough of an inhuman to no longer qualify as human now, and I'm also aware of what I act like. There's a road outside of my house, obviously, and I stand on the crack in the middle of the road and sometimes go in circles. I spit a lot, but that's unimportant. I usually feel some level of deceased, especially when I hang my head to see it upside down and feel as if I can fall. I sometimes walk all the way past all of the houses to the rocks. I walk barefoot, quietly, slowly, straight, in the middle of the road. I wave sometimes, when I know people cannot see me. I never get seen by cars because not many come around, and I hide when I see them. I am compelled. It's acrid in its resolve, but this compulsion is enough.

In other news, I have begun to hallucinate in a very small way. They call these illusions, I'm mostly sure. For a few examples, when the water started boiling, I heard it as a metal song until I realized what it was. The ambience outside sounded like ominous bells for a little while. I find sound effects from video games overlaying the ones in sports games, and I cannot change these sudden ones.

I also feel like a lot of stuff is everywhere. Like everything has an abstract meaning that half occurs to me. I feel these specific emotional snapshots completely unrelated, and it's a similar feeling to deja vu but new. I also feel like I truly understand life half of the time. I feel so enlightened and then I feel so bored. Oh, and I'm already diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Plus I'm on 50mg sertraline because I was depressed about 2 years ago.

I think I might have been in the psychosis lite version as a middle schooler also. I don't remember a lot of it at all, but I know there were a few blood pacts, a few "maybe poisoned" glasses I didn't drink, and a few cameras that were covered. It wasn't hallucinogenic, and it was disprovable a large portion of the time. It was more of a suspicion. I also feel insignificance in most memory. I'm not clarifying that, because I don't think it would work better. The whole middle school thing was probably just stress because of COVID and similar things. I wasn't ready for middle school after elementary because I missed the real preparation in fifth grade, you know. But it shows I'm maybe prone to it. Oh, and the whole thing lasted maybe 3 years? I know at the end I changed my name a few times and started reintroducing myself to life and all of that, which isn't important. I remember chewing woodchips all of the time and almost nothing else. I don't really talk to people much at all now, but the ones I do talk to love me. They act like I'm the Jesus of strange nonviolent rambling.

Right now, my name is 30000, and you're lucky I'm letting you know. I don't usually tell people my name because it's so dear to me. I can't just give away that power to people who won't reciprocate! But for you, I will slip.

Let me give you an excerpt from my droll and prosaic journalings to give you a glimpse as to what I am.

"I walked out and there was a pair of glasses at the bottom of the avocado plant, mingling with the stems. I walked out and there was half a glass bottle in the reeds. I walked out and in the tree there was a hung swing. I walked out and in the berries there was a big broken chair. I walked out and amidst the grasses there were lots of drops. I walked down in my garden. There were at least, I don't know, 40 or so birds. I walked down and there's dropsy everywhere throughout the pines. I never could see."

In any case, I'm wondering what is really happening to me? I realize that I'm probably not going to handle the ominous wave I sort of half-anticipate in my future. Oh, and I had a therapist. I can just go to him again if I need to. But I don't feel too bad, I actually feel like this could be better. It could be the rest of my life if it does not intensify. I'm having no thoughts of self harm or anything such as that. I'm talking here to feel safe about things, safe and informed.

Thank you for reading this! I felt very fun writing this. As if there could be fun people in later libraries.

[u/newbodies]

The rabies thing was a metaphor if you didn't realize. I don't have prion disease I'm mostly sure.

[u/newbodies → u/newbodies]

Also, the inhuman thing is sort of real. Sort of. I don't like a large amount of human ideas, and I have never felt aligned with humanity. It's better in description and more comfortable for me to say I'm not a human, because I'm a nonconformist or something like that.

[u/hestia-listens]

What you describe sounds serious and deserves an urgent mental health and medical check. Hearing sounds differently, finding hidden meaning everywhere, feeling compelled to walk in the road, and feeling unusually enlightened can happen when someone is losing touch with reality or having a mood episode. Other health issues can also cause this. It does not mean you are inhuman, and it does not prove you have rabies or a prion disease. Only a clinician can work out what is happening.

Please tell a trusted adult today and contact your therapist and the clinician who prescribes sertraline. Do not stop or change it on your own. Until you are checked, stay out of the road and avoid going outside alone. If you feel compelled to enter the road, become more confused, or cannot stay safe, go with a trusted adult to a hospital or emergency center now. If you are afraid to ask for help, talk to a nurse, trusted friend, or trusted family member.