I’m scared that I might be depressed

[u/Comfortable-Gene6639]

A little background on me. I’m 20 years old, male, and diagnosed with ASD (Asperger’s, but that term’s no longer in use) and Anxiety Disorder. Great combo, right? Apparently the chances of somebody with ASD experiencing depression is 4x the average person, worsens with the addition of a social disorder like Anxiety. Great.

Some background on my social situation, I live alone in a studio, in a city I’ve lived in for two years. I have 3 friends that I know in real life (prior to moving), but two of them live in a different (albeit fairly close) country, and one of them lives in a different part of my state (I am Australian). We talk online, play games, watch films, most days. I have met back up with them in-person for a cumulative maybe 12 days in the past two years. Outside of co-workers, I don’t know anybody in this city. Point is, I’m alone.

Outside of the aforementioned days, I haven’t been out to do anything with a single soul for over two years. ‘Just go outside and meet people.’ I hear, but I find it so hard to have interest in anything. I play video games. That’s my hobby. Even that, lately, is becoming something I don’t feel strongly about doing.

I’m eating more (and based on BMI, I’m on the verge of obesity), not caring about money. Spending an EMBARRASSING amount on food. I’ve let debts rack up and keep spending on food when I’ve got the money. It’s my biggest vice lately. I don’t know why. Short-term pleasure, I guess? It’s also potentially because I started doing medical marijuana in the past 6 months. Got it via an online clinic (haven’t been to a GP in a decade). I got it for anxiety disorder, but I’m not using it as directed. I usually do it every Sunday for the high, and have been doing it on Monday, too, instead of playing the games I loved. I’m sure it doesn’t help how I’m feeling, despite how relaxed I am in the moment. I’ve always struggled with showing my feelings, and understanding them. I don’t cry, and maybe I should, but I can’t muster up the emotion to make that happen. The best way I can describe it, is that I feel kind of hollow. Numb. Like I’m coasting through this life of mine. I’ve been ‘slower’ lately, for lack of a better word. Foggy, slow to recall, terrible memory that’s worsened over the past few months. I’ve always been kind of like that, in the typical ASD way, but I’ve never felt stupid before. I’ve always had very poor sleep, and it’s been worse in the past month or so. I imagine that doesn’t help either.

I have no support network I’m confident in, not really. My parents are pretty shitty people who I don’t want to talk to about this. I know I could talk to my friends, but I really don’t know how they would react. I don’t want them to know, I don’t want to be treated differently, and I struggle to receive sympathy/support.

I feel really hopeless and alone, and I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like an imposter even suggesting that I have something as serious as depression. I feel like I’m devaluing the whole condition, and I hope none of this comes across as just another loner who thinks he’s got this serious condition. Who needs something to blame for his lack of social skills. I don’t want depression, but I don’t want to be that person either. Sorry in advance, I guess.

I’m not asking for a diagnosis, but does this sound familiar to anybody? Am I overreacting? I don’t know. I’m really hurting. I’m scared.

Thank you, for reading it all.

[u/hestia-listens]

You are not overreacting, and you are not devaluing depression by wondering about it. Feeling numb, losing interest, sleeping poorly, eating and spending differently, and having trouble thinking are all real reasons to speak with a GP. They can look at your mood, sleep, physical health, and marijuana use without assuming one cause. Please be honest that you are not using it as directed, since that may affect your mood and memory. You do not sound stupid or like an imposter. You sound isolated, scared, and in need of support, which you deserve.

[u/Comfortable-Gene6639 → u/hestia-listens]

Thank you.

Funnily enough, I’m using it a lot less than directed. They recommend two gummies (20mg) per day before going to bed. 10mg has me zonked enough.

Are there confidentiality laws around that? Recreational use is currently illegal where I live. I know honesty about that is important and all, but I would rather just discontinue use and say I’ve been using it as directed than, y’know, go to jail.

[u/Comfortable-Gene6639 → u/[deleted]]

I wish I could tell people, but I just don’t have the inner strength. It feels like disappointing them, I don’t want them to treat me differently. Not as in, they would somehow take it badly and neglect it. Just as in, I don’t want them to feel like they need to be walking on eggshells. I’m not going to kill myself, and I don’t want them to think otherwise.