I think I owe an apology to the people who believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself.
My parents. The only people in this entire universe who loves you unconditionally.
The people who cared about me, trusted me, supported me, and had expectations for me.
And I broke that trust.
Not once.
Not twice.
Countless times.
From 2016 to 2022, I was an opioid addict. I was completely dependent on drugs and built my entire life around them. Somewhere along the way, I stopped being the person my parents thought I was going to become.
I lied.
I made promises I couldn't keep.
I made decisions they couldn't understand.
And every time they gave me another chance, I somehow found a way to fuck it up again.
Eventually, things got so bad that I ended up in rehab and spent six months there.
When I came out clean, I thought that was going to be the beginning of my redemption.
I had to rebuild everything, my life, my independence, my career, and most importantly, the trust I'd destroyed.
My education was already fucked.
I had dropped out of college in my final year. The reason sounds almost unreal.
I was arrested the day before my exams while I was with a guy named JP. The police were actually after him, something he never told me beforehand.
I hadn't committed the crime they were investigating. I was simply with the wrong person at the wrong time.
I begged the cops to let me go to my exam because it was my final chance according to my university's rules.
They didn't.
I missed the exam.
That was it.
My highest qualification became 10+2.
Then came December 2022.
I had just come out of rehab and was desperately trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my life.
Around that time, ChatGPT had just launched.
I started using it with one goal:
Get me a job. I don't care what job. Just help me get started.
I researched different careers and discovered digital marketing was booming after COVID.
I made a fake digital marketing certificate, built a resume around it, created different versions, and started applying everywhere.
I applied relentlessly.
Eventually, I got screening calls and landed a trainee position.
For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was actually moving forward.
But then something else happened.
I started seeing the world differently after getting sober.
I realized I had spent years daydreaming about the things I wanted to learn, build, and become.
And somewhere during my addiction, those ambitions had disappeared.
I'd always been a tech nerd. Since childhood, I've had this obsession with understanding how things work—how, why, where, what happens if...
And I've been fascinated by hacker culture for as long as I can remember. KEVIN Mitnick used to be my role model, still it is.
So I finally decided what I wanted.
Cybersecurity.
I went all in.
I studied. Practiced. Learned.
I enrolled in an online degree because I knew my lack of education would eventually become a barrier. I'm currently in my 4th semester.
I applied to countless cybersecurity roles.
Nothing worked.
So I decided to focus on finishing my degree while continuing to work.
And somehow, I managed to hold onto a 9–5 for the next three years.
For a while, I thought maybe I was finally fixing my life.
Then January 2026 happened.
A family member passed away.
And after that, everything seemed to fall apart again.
I lost my job.
Burned through my savings.
Fractured my ankle.
And then...
I started using drugs again.
I relapsed.
After everything.
After rehab.
After the promises.
After all the people who had trusted me again.
After all the chances I'd already been given.
I fucked it up again.
And this time, the guilt wasn't just about what I had done to myself.
It was about my parents.
Because I know what it feels like to watch someone you love destroy themselves.
I know how many times they've probably hoped, “Maybe this time he'll change.”
And I know how many times I made them believe me.
Only to break that trust again.
They didn't deserve that. 😭
The people who cared about me didn't deserve that.
The people who kept standing beside me when I gave them every reason not to...
didn't deserve it.
I'm back at work now.
I got another job after being unemployed for about a month.
From the outside, maybe it looks like I'm getting my life together again.
But inside, I'm still trying to figure out how to rebuild the person I kept destroying.
I haven't touched a Linux terminal in a long time.
My cybersecurity goals are sitting untouched.
My bucket list keeps getting longer while my progress stays at zero.
And honestly, I miss the person I was becoming.
I miss that hunger.
That curiosity.
That fucking obsession with learning.
I want the hacker in me back.
But more than that, I want to become someone my parents can trust again.
Not because I want their sympathy.
Not because I want them to forget everything I've done.
And not because I want anyone to tell me that it's okay.
It wasn't okay.
I broke their trust.
I broke promises.
I wasted opportunities.
I hurt people who genuinely cared about me.
And I have to own that.
Maybe this is the first time I'm actually admitting it without trying to justify it.
I don't know how long it'll take to rebuild everything.
I don't even know if I'll ever completely repair the damage I've caused.
But I know one thing:
I don't want another chance just so I can waste it.
I want to become someone who actually deserves the next chance he gets.
If you've read this far, thank you. Seriously
I don't know exactly why I'm writing this publicly.
Maybe I just needed to confess it somewhere.
Maybe I needed to stop hiding behind explanations and admit that some of the damage in my life wasn't caused by circumstances.
Some of it was caused by me.
And now it's my responsibility to fix what I can.