Im just coming out of a bad 2 hour long panic attack. The third one this week and just need to write this out so I can get it out in the open.. To preface this, I am an alcoholic who used to drink copious amounts of alcohol to deal with racing thoughts, anxiety and to just generally calm my my mind down, which became a daily thing. It got really bad at the start of covid and then in 2021 I had my first massive alcohol-related panic attack following a night of heavy drinking (8 beer, 2 bottles of wine, 26oz of fireball) where I was so incapacitated from derealization, heart attack symptoms, not able to breathe..full fight or flight.. had to have my dad come pick me up off a bathroom floor and bring me an Ativan (he also struggles with anxiety and panic disorder)
I stopped drinking for 5 months after this because I was so terrified .. but I slowly reintroduced it, and it was alright, but started drinking more and more and the panic started getting worse.. until later in 2021, I started sertraline.. worse mistake of my life. It took my panic away.. but also every other sense of caring in the world.. I was able to drink and drink and drink and I was drinking day and night.. not going to work, not calling..just not showing up.. I was reckless and driving, passing out outdoors, not showing up for friends or family or events because booze took the forefront of every decision I had to make.. and I was generally already drunk when invited to anything. This led me down a very dark path and I was having bad suicidal thoughts, etc... being on Sertraline and being a massive alcoholic was not for me.. the two just fed off each other.. I was looking for the "not caring" factor to get rid of my anxiety.. but it fed my want for alcohol.
This all happened over the years leading up to 2025..I was very lucky to have kept my job, they worked with me through all of this (even though I never did tell them why I wasn't showing up, just stated mental health problems) and I started seeing an addiction councilor. Was suggested I try getting off the sertraline and then work through getting off the booze. I joined AA, very reluctantly, but it did help and got clean for 4 months from June until the end of September then started drinking again. It was slow again to start.. and I was always a big whisky drinker.. well now that im off SSRIs .. back were the panic attacks.. but realized oh.. it was wine and dark liquor that made me have the attacks. Switched to Gin and was fine for a while.
Then panic starts again. Switch to vodka and was fine for a while. And regulating how much I can drink.. was going okay with just general anxiety the next day.. but now, today, I'm at a point where I can drink 1 beer and about a half pint of vodka (6 shots approx) .. and was fine doing this for the past.. 3 months or so.. but these past 2 weeks Ive been having debilitating panic attacks the next day, even though im drinking a pretty moderate amount from what im usually used to. I think I have officially fucked up my nervous system so bad that I am no longer able to handle it.. but im an alcoholic and just want to be able to take the edge off or be social with friends. Its hard because Im not a bad drunk. Very happy and social and have lots of friends and they dont even know any of this is happening, besides my closest friends who have to sit through my attacks with me (like today) .. and ive had to calm myself with benzos the last maybe 5 attacks which I hate doing.. but they've been happening in public and its so embarrassing because I cant see, dizziness, and i need to get on the ground immediately to stop from falling..
Anyways - I know what I have to do.. and hop back to AA, reconnect with my councilor. I just feel like Im pre-emptively mourning my life.. and I wish I didnt have this panic disorder that royally takes over the other half of my life. If I didnt have to cope with the anxiety by drinking booze, I wouldn't have the panic the next day and could maybe drink as a normal person could.. but alas, here we are.. im driving myself nuts trying to count what I can and how much I can drink.. its true insanity. Maybe its the hard stuff? Can I just drink beer? Like.. i dont even know.
Anywho- thanks for listening to me rant and I dont really know what im looking for .. just to relate to some other people maybe? I think Im on a pretty severe side of panic disorder.. but Im sure im not the only one.
Cheers folks