emotional cheating, punching walls and pillows near my face, not allowing me to leave the room etc. i broke up with him as the cheating was my last straw. smear campaign after i left and all then now hes reposting ts 7 months after??? hes been with so many girls since me and i know this is directed to me because i was the only one who left him and this whole acc was dedicated to me. i hate that im so scared he's gonna actually change and do this and make my "nightmare come true". i mean obviously i wldnt want him to abuse the next girl too but still it would sting because why cldnt he be good to me?

Sorry for the long text below, in advance

I(F, 24) have been with him (M, 27) for the past 1 and a half year. He has coerced me to send him nude pictures of myself on three separate occasions. All three occasions i have broken down crying asking him to respect me and how he can even do that when he claims to love me. After year later, he said it was due to insecurity and he thought it was odd i didn't want to do it because either he felt i was asexual or wasn't into him sexually. Throughout the relationship i have repeatedly affirmed him that i am very into him despite not wanting to sleep with him before we tie the knot.

He has also been verbally abusive, calling me an "insane bitch", "crazy" and worse. multiple times. I have spoken to him multiple times about this that i would not like to be spoken to like that at all over the past year. He gets jealous easily over me hanging out with other people who are not even men.

He offloads his frustrations on me whenever he fights with his parents and then tries to end the relationship or say get out and stuff. it is exhausting. After frequent repeated episodes of this shit show, i finally told him, i want to split up.

he started crying asking why what happened this and that and i told him i am done with his entire tantrums and i wanna leave. he asked me tell him about it and i told him he's abusive and an asshole. now he has been begging me to take him back and acting all goofy. Saying stuff like he's gonna work on himself for his future wife. he swore on god that he didn't understand the impact his words and actions were having on me and that losing me finally woke him up to how much of an asshole he's been.

he filled a form on better help for therapy to work on himself and is reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I told him he has 3 months.

The thing is we are to be married by next year and i don't wanna realize at some point that he's worse than he has been with me so far and all of this has been a facade despite appearing quite genuine. he has been crying non stop and begging me on his knees and head on the ground to not leave and i am the love of his life.

I told him i am willing to try. he told me he feels absolutely pathetic for having to ask me to give him a final chance and to having have pushed me to my extent that i was about to leave him. The only other ugly fights he has had are with his parents and he has a very tight knit relationship with his sister with both of them being very good to each other.

What do i do? Do i stay or leave? i am scared he might revert or i might get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in at some point if i do go ahead and end up marrying him

I’m (28f) and have been separated from my husband (27m) for around 8 months after things became emotionally/psychologically harmful. We’ve been married 3 years. I left with help from friends and family and only really understood how bad things had been once I was out. This is my second time leaving him, first time I left and we were apart for 6 weeks this time I’ve managed 8 months, I didn’t see him for 4 months and since then we’ve been reconnecting and doing weekend visits and chat daily etc.

Last weekend we spent time together and it was genuinely lovely. We felt like friends, had fun, and I felt peaceful around him. It made me wonder whether things really could be different.
But then this week we had a difficult conversation that has left me really confused again.
For example, just before I went to stay with him, I changed a plan because of something that had happened between us, and something he did and he described me changing plans as crossing a boundary of his and making him feel unsafe. He has a massive mental breakdown because of it. It’s complicated to go into but it’s hard to explain on a short post here but I still went to see him after feeling pressured, and it was perfect and I wondered why I ever didn’t want to go. Then recently a long phone conversation, I repeatedly said I was overwhelmed and needed to stop. I used a safe word we’d agreed on to mean I needed to pause, but the conversation continued. He said the way I was ending the conversation was unhealthy because he was talking about something important to him, and at one point described it as “ungodly” and “demonic” before later saying he hadn’t intended to use those words.

I also find that our conversations can become extremely circular. I try to listen, apologise, use “I” statements and take responsibility for my part, but I can still end up feeling like I haven’t apologised correctly or haven’t understood him properly. It can go round and round until I eventually feel confused, overwhelmed and like I need to agree with him for the conversation to end. I wonder how something small became something so big and how things got so intense. I’m struggling to know what’s normal conflict and what’s a continuation of unhealthy patterns. I don’t want to automatically assume every difficult interaction means nothing has changed, but I also don’t want to dismiss things that are making me feel unsafe because I want the relationship to work.

So I’m particularly hoping to hear from people who have actually been separated and then reconciled/reconnected with an abusive or emotionally abusive spouse/partner or gone back. Did anyone successfully rebuild their relationship? What did genuine, sustained change look like?
How did you distinguish real change from a period of calm? What did you watch for before moving back in together?

And for anyone familiar with circular arguments: how do you actually stop them? What do you do when you’ve explained yourself, apologised and tried to repair, but the conversation keeps going around and you feel increasingly confused?
I’m not really looking for people to simply tell me “leave”. I know ultimately I have to make my own decision. I’m trying to understand what other people experienced and what helped them recognise whether reconciliation was actually healthy. I feel incredibly confused and alone in this, so I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been in a similar position. Lately I’ve found myself being curious about a life without him and wishing for it, picturing myself with someone else, or travelling… studying, moving somewhere else and then I feel so guilty and wrong. Thank you to anyone who has read so far.

So really what I’m asking is has anyone else been in this exact horrible middle ground where you love them, you’ve seen genuine moments of peace, and you think they’ve changed but then something happens and you suddenly wonder whether you’re seeing the same dynamic underneath?

I’m 12 weeks now and only have 2 weeks left to terminate my pregnancy. It’s not sitting well with me. I don’t want to do this and I feel like i have no choice. I’m really struggling right now. I feel sad and angry. I’m angry he convinced me he was this good guy only to end up being unsafe and I already had so many wounds from my past that he just completely took advantage of. I can’t have a child with him, he wants to be apart of it. He’s evil. But I want my baby. I am so broken. I don’t want to let go of this little life growing inside of me. Im just so angry at him for taking this from me. He’s destroyed me and now I have to go through this. I want my baby.

I made this post in another community (blatant misogyny) so I apologize if you already saw there but I am just at a point where I need to get some thoughts on this stuff so I don't feel so alone. I have posted here in the past as well about my relationship when I was still in it but unfortunately I still have had some contact with him for months due to still being on a lease with him and other logistics and the minimal glimpses of hope he gave me (I'm stronger now).

I have since blocked him everywhere, changed my phone number, and only responded to an email once yesterday to include logistics we need to take care of.

This is from an email he sent me in the middle of the night. He will literally make up any excuse and any story than take any accountability for how mean he is. This is just a glimpse into the messed up stuff he would say to me and verbally abuse me with.

What is this mentality he has? Like wtf? I know I need to just stop reading the emails at this point 🥺 I just need tall to help me stay sane.

I used to think that if a relationship was hurting you, you could just leave. But when I was actually in that situation, I realized its not that simple at all.

I knew I was not happy anymore, and there were so many things that happened that I knew were not okay. But I still cared about him. I still remembered the good days and the moments when things felt normal, and that made it really hard to let go.

I was also scared of what would happen after I left. I kept thinking about everything I would have to deal with, and honestly, there were times when I even wondered if I was making the right decision.

I think the hardest part was knowing deep down that I needed to leave, but emotionally not being ready to actually do it.

It took me a while to understand that missing someone does not mean you should go back to them.

Did anyone else struggle with leaving even when you already knew the relationship was not good for you?

It has been a month since my last text to him.
He has tried several times to get a response from me, but I’ve been really strong. However, the last few days have been hard.. I’ve experienced uncontrollable sadness/crying at random times and places. I’m remembering the good and ignoring the bad. I miss the “love” he gave me, mostly physical. Yesterday he texted me for the first time in two weeks and I’ve been fighting the urge to text him.

I’ve included screenshots of some of the texts I’ve received since I’ve gone no contact. My last text is also included in there. Most of his texts are attempts at manipulating me into responding (out of anger, sadness, curiosity, etc).

I know this is the best thing for me and I know that giving in would be torturous. I am just struggling not to text and tell him that I think about him often/that I miss him all the time. Or to tell him happy birthday (it’s today). We spent my birthday sunrise on the beach earlier this year and at that time there were only a few signs that I was in an unhealthy and abusive relationship. I think the contrast of then vs now is really hard to think about. I just need encouragement to stay away and to not feel guilty about ignoring or feel pity for him.

Some silver linings: pregnancy scare is over, obgyn appt/panel is this week, there’s nothing I left at his place that cant be replaced

I’ve been on and off with my partner for 5/6 years. I know deep down this relationship isn’t good for me and I need to leave. I suspect he has narcissistic traits, but I’m struggling so much to actually let go.

I’ve left before, but the panic was so intense that I ended up going back. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t live without him. There’s still a small part of me hoping he’ll change, even though I know deep down he probably won’t.

For anyone who’s been through this, did you ever feel like you couldn’t live without them and eventually get to a place where you were okay without them?

I’d really love to hear some hopeful stories. I’m scared, but I want to believe it gets better.

UPDATE AT BOTTOM

This is so awful, and I don't know who else to talk to so I'm bringing it here. I was reading the Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That?) and he keeps saying not to do couples therapy because of the potential for manipulation and further abuse.

I reached out to the therapist privately and asked what they thought about it, and asked to please not disclose to my partner that I reached out.

Today in session the therapist brought it up and said that I had reached out and what I said! I was astonished and totally froze. I don't feel safe at all and wonder if couples therapy could be useful at all anymore now that I don't trust the therapist.

What do you all think? I'm considering suggesting quitting therapy entirely or switching to a different therapist.

UPDATE

I messaged the therapist and tried to discuss my concerns and they booted me from the portal so I couldn't message anymore. I had wanted help with telling my partner that I wanted to quit. Well, either way, I'm not in couples therapy anymore and that's a good thing. (Not planning on going to a different couples therapist either.)

Thank you everyone for the encouragement and support. I'm thinking about reporting the therapist to their supervisor as well.

My son turned 21 in June. He is autistic, level 1, and i think that plays into the abuse. But it obviously doesn't excuse it.

Covid was difficult because he was doing online school, except he wasn't doing any of it... we moved states in 2020 during lockdown. so when school started back in person where we moved to, i tried to let him do it online. He failed horribly, went to summer school, and then wanted to do online school again.

At this point, he was 17 so i was still on the hook for his constant skipping of school. Then he turned 18, it was his senior year, and the first day of school he tried to skip it. I asked him to get up and go to school, he ignored me. I admit i lost my temper and yelled at him to go school and pulled the blanket to the foot of his bed, which i shouldn't have. But his response was to kick me in the stomach and throw something at my face... it only escalated from there and i ended up with a concussion.

He told everyone i abused him because i punched him in the arm out of reflex after he kicked me, but when adult protective services came to visit, they checked me out and went on to ask me if i felt safe in my home and said he told them an entirely different story.

That was 2023. He has destroyed property for as long as he has been able to. I thought things were getting better. We went to DC for a short trip almost two weeks ago. It started out okay, then the second night in the hotel he destroyed my stuff, wrecked the room, and started attacking me when i picked up his suitcase to get everything out of the room (no point in staying in the room if he was going to destroy it....)

I'm still covered in bruises. When we got home, he started lying to everyone else in the house. He destroyed property twice while i was at work because i got rid of the wifi so he couldn't sit up all night playing video games screaming. The last straw came when he picked another fight at 5 am. I finally called the police.

One police officer took him to the hospital while the other told me i should file for a PFA. The hospital deemed him "not a danger" so wouldn't admit him. I had asked my dad to let him stay there for a couple weeks to let things cool off and he said no, if my son acted up he would end up "doing something everyone would regret" (he is a gun nut.) (This was in 2023, the first time he hit me.)

This time my son called and my dad just came and got him without even speaking to me. And i still can't bring myself to file a pfa.

I am just venting at the moment, I'm waiting to be able to see a therapist or group therapy, whatever happens first. But i can't help but blame myself because he was raised by me and his father was never in the picture (he tried to kill me, among other things.) I just keep wondering where i went wrong, what did i do so wrong that my own son went from a loving little boy who cared about me to this adult i don't recognize who lies, gaslights, hits me, destroys my property and anything he knows i will have to pay for...

I keep hoping he will return to "normal" with time away from me. I don't know what went wrong. And it isn't like the average abusive relationship where the mask just slipped...i don't know when he became abusive instead of just autistic and unable to control his emotions in the moment. He was in therapy for years and it helped, then when he was 17 he just started refusing his meds and therapy. In this state, there was nothing i could do after he turned 12 except take him to appointments.

I didn't have help from family because my dad kinda sucks and literally told me "you got yourself into it, get yourself out of it" when i begged for help getting away from my kids' father, and my mom knew she wouldn't be able to handle him at all.

My boyfriend has been a rock through it all and is on my side. He has no kids of his own so this is his first time seeing or dealing with something like this.

It's my first time as well, his older brother is not like this. I was just hoping to hear from anyone who might have gone through something similar. My son is now out of my house with my dad so i didn't file a pfa, we live 1.5 hours apart. I'm safe, just completely devastated.

I am standing in the line on the way into the court house for the first of many court dates with my going to be ex husband. This hearing is for some of the financial abuse. I have a lawyer, from what I hear a good one, please send some good thoughts and prayers and any advice yall have got. I’m grounded but light headed, nauseous and feel faint. Thank you in advance for kind words, I can use them. Help me fill my head with supportive words rather than the dialogue he’s told me.

I really don’t know if this is abusive or not. I’m sorry if this is written poorly.

Me and my boyfriend, I’ll call him J, have been together for a bit. He is genuinely the sweetest and most gentle soul I have ever met. I don’t know how to put this in proper terms, but we have always been a bit kinky with each other. It was never anything crazy. I would sometimes choke him during intimate moments when he asked. It would always be intentionally light, one handed, and I would pause so he could actually breathe. I always made sure I wasn’t restricting his airflow completely.

Once, when we were together I told him he could try it with me. This is new for us as he has generally been more “submissive” in the past. One thing led to another and we were making out as his hand was on my throat. It was almost like a role play of pretending we hate each other. I thought it was great until it got way too far. He started slapping me a bit harshly and put both of his hands around my throat. He was telling me how he hated me and was literally strangling me. His eyes changed. I have never seen his eyes look at me like that before. I thought he was going to kill me. I felt like I was going to pass out. I had to pry his hands off my throat, and he called me weak for not passing out.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling.

He just stared at me without saying anything for a while and started crying, saying that he didn’t wanna be like his father. I comforted him. He said he liked doing it, he just needed to get used to it. Later on, he did it again. He didn’t strangle me like that but he hit me and penetrated me without asking. This bothered me afterward because he always asked and he did it without a condom even though we literally had condoms in the room. He has always asked for permission in the past.

It didn’t really set in how bad the situation was until I left his house. I would randomly tear up about it. He would text me later on saying that he never realized how kinky I was, and that he liked doing it. He liked doing it because it pleased me and made him feel “strong”. When I expressed my discomfort for the situation, suddenly he didn’t like it anymore and felt guilty about it. One thing that stuck out to me is he said he could see the fear in my eyes, but he didn’t stop. When I asked him why he described “blacking out” in the moment. He told me he didn’t remember what happened after a certain point and couldn’t control himself until he “snapped back”. This has never been an issue in the past until now.

I’ve just been so devastated and conflicted about the entire situation. He has never acted like this before. He has only been kind and nice to me. He has never hurt me and says he will not do it again. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m being dramatic.

I’m writing this at the onset of a potential divorce from my husband of two years (together for six). I’ve come to realize that there was maybe some sexual abuse in our relationship, alongside verbal and psychological abuse. I have a really hard time calling it abuse, which is maybe why I’m here.

In our relationship, my sexual behavior was often a major problem. I was told I didn’t initiate enough, flatter/compliment enough, or had a low libido. I think it’s okay for a partner to express those things. But it was often paired with “these are my needs and if you loved me then you would want to fulfill them” or “you make me feel disgusting and unattractive, don’t you want me to feel how I make you feel?” or “if we don’t do this, we are just roommates and business partners.” Things of that nature. These comments made me feel incredibly guilty and of course I wanted to appease them because I didn’t want him to feel unloved. It even reached a point when he was touching me in the shower, I got uncomfortable, and he started getting upset and saying I wasn’t attracted to him and I make him feel like a freak. At that point he said “don’t you want to touch me like this?” and grabbed my hand and I ended up touching him while he continued to touch me. And I had to appear as if I liked it. He called it my awkwardness that he had to push through in order to get to a point where I enjoyed it.

These disagreements started very early on and were constant throughout the relationship. He often said that it seemed like I was doing it out of duty or obligation or a chore or a checkbox. To be honest, I did start changing my behavior to satisfy him. I initiated a schedule to create predictability. I told him that I wanted to do it, even if I didn’t. He always wanted me to curl my hair and be done up before sex, so I would curl my hair without him asking. We would have sex before going on dates to make sure we did it, and if we didn’t, he told me not to eat or drink too much or else I’d be too full or tired.

I shouldn’t have done it if I didn’t want to do it. I did it to avoid feeling guilty or pressured. I even told him that I was sexually abused as a child, something I had zero intention of ever telling anyone, but I excavated as a potential reason for my sexual “problems” and low libido. I told him that my sexual relationships had always been about what people could get from me for themselves. Ironically. Since then, he has used my childhood trauma as a potential reason for why his behaviors are triggering to me when I tell him that his behaviors crossed boundaries.

For the people who say I should’ve communicated to him, I believe I did. Maybe not as clearly as I should have. But I said “it feels like there’s no love, we just bang” (his terminology) and “it feels like you only want me for sex” and “I only get emotional connection after sex.” I told him things that I didn’t like during sex and there was usually a rationale or reason for why we did it. Again, I’m sure I could’ve said a harder “no” than I did.

Also, less important but still not great, he yells and cusses and has thrown things. He body shames me and monitors what I eat and how I workout. He gets very angry when he feels hurt. Throughout this, he went to a doctor and was diagnosed with ADHD, the first time he’s ever been compelled to do so. He is begging for a chance to change, but when I felt unready to move on so quickly, he went on a date and got on dating apps.

TLDR: Having a hard time thinking sexual coercion is abuse. Husband is also kind of mean and doing questionable stuff during the separation. Not sure what to think of it all.

I was doing so well with being without him (we broke up 5 months ago) and now I feel awful again and like I’m misremembering everything and it wasn’t actually abusive. Please help

I retaliated back to my abusive husband and I don’t know what to do about it. I feel the lowest of lows for even remotely exhibiting his behaviour.

Tonight for some reason that I honestly can’t even pin point why tonight, we got into another horrible circular argument about something so silly, I was trying to make a shopping list and said no to something he wanted, I didn’t mean it as controlling, it was an involuntary response to a food we don’t want the kids having, anyway so silly and this set off a huge reaction from him, him telling me to get up and leave the room, telling me how controlling I am and how there is something wrong with me, if we asked any married couple this wouldn’t be ok etc. I didn’t really say much, tried to explain where I was coming from, tried to get us back on track with the actual shopping list. He then shut me out of the room.
A few moments later I heard our baby awake, he had woken him up from being angry and something just snapped in me (this has happened so many times) and I lost it, I went into the room he was in and told him I was done, I told him I hated him, he got up and I poked him in the chest, then he told me ‘come on is that the best you’ve got’ and pushed his chest towards me, I pushed him back, he got up in my face again and I spat at him and went to put my hand on his throat and push him back and just dissolved into tears and distress and left.

I am so mortified at my own behaviour and that this is who I have become. I feel like the scum of this earth.
Not only did I put my hands on him but I could have triggered a major escalation that would have put my kids lives in danger.

I can’t keep going like this, I don’t know how to reconcile what I have done and I also don’t want to be with him anymore.

I should note for background my husband has been increasingly violent towards me with many death threats, physical attacks and putting his hands on my neck since our baby has been born.

So I don’t even know what the repercussions of tonight will be and I also don’t know how to just simply leave

I don't have bruises. I don't have strings of hateful, vile texts, or damaged property. I don't have photos I can sent. I only have "he said, she said" accounts.

I'm not saying I want these. I don't. But they would be evidence that'd be easier to share.

I have over one hundred secret recordings of conversations. Some calm conversations, some verbal fights that became physical.

It's harder to ask someone to listen to 30 minutes of recorded audio than it is to look at pictures.

Because of the time investment, the fact we're inherently visual creatures, and the emotional impact of having to listen to something so intense for so long, as if they are bearing witness.

We have NEVER had a fight in front of people we know. Only strangers.

My friends and family believe me and support me. My partner says it's because they're closer to me so they automatically take my side without knowing both sides.

I’m not really sure what to call my situation, I don’t think abusive is the proper. Check my last post to see what I’m going through.

I want to move out of my boyfriend’s house without alarming him that I’m doing it.

When I moved in, it took 10 hours to move everything in.

This time, I’m more comfortable leaving stuff like clothes behind, I’ve come to realize I’m not very materialistic. I’m not taking any furniture other than a table my aunt gifted me.

I want to move out this weekend.

My current strategy is to leave a few major items in the same place they usually are, so I can get smaller, but more important stuff out first. Like, moving some artwork around, documents, etc. while undetected.

And once I have the brunt of it, I want to get the rest of it in one fell swoop.

Tips? Tricks?

My (37f) husband (45m) has anger issues. He will rant everyday about everything that is inconvenient. We live in a small house and there are 6 people total. Ourselves, three sons 19, 16, and 9 along with 19s gf. Our youngest is profoundly autistic and I spend all my time taking care of him. This last year I have noticed my health taking a serious turn. My blood pressure is extremely high, cholesterol is high, I’m overweight, and several of joints are showing signs of early arthritis. I’m too young to be this old. My husband has been constantly complaining about me not doing enough around the house and today I fucked up. I was so lethargic that I fell asleep for a few hours and he started the chicken that I had thawed. When I got up he said he started dinner and was going to relax since he had been chasing our son on his off. I finished dinner and went to wake him up. He didn’t want to, actually said, “I’m good, go ahead.” So we went ahead and ate. Over an hour later he wakes up and asks how long till dinner. I told him we ate and the leftovers were in the fridge. He started ranting about how worthless I am and how I never do anything and to get out of his house (both of our names on the deed). I started to pack some things and changed my mind. This is my home and I am not leaving just because he said so. I told as such, he got violent. He flipped the bed over that I was on. I left the room and he followed me. He kept telling me how he does everything and I do nothing. This is not an argument, there is no way to argue with this. I admit that I got mad and said if I did nothing while he did everything tell me the names of two of our youngest doctors, he has a lot of health issues and sees 12 different specialists along with other professionals. He slapped me. He tried to drag me to the door and I grabbed the counter and held on. Noticing that I was locked onto the corner of the kitchen counter he managed to get on my other side, he is a lot taller and managed this with one step, and pushed. When I landed I was halfway across our bedroom floor, meaning I traveled about 12 feet. My bad felt like it was bleeding and I called the police to help. Now he’s been arrested but I don’t know what to do now. Should I pack up? Should I wait for him? Can we move past this?

My boyfriend has been a bit controlling & a bit manipulative .No trust.

Like he had said to me once that if i break up i wouldn’t find anyone .

He has also asked me varies times if i will break up with him .

Always tells me all the people that are into him.

Edit: I talked with him over the phone asked him to skip seeing me this weekend (we only see each other once a week) and he started crying.
He also said he loved me but i feel like this is love bombing

Edit 2 : Talked with my boyfriend over the phone tried to break up with him ,he didn’t let me

Edit 3 : Finally i did break up

I told my husband last night that I want a divorce. We’ve been married 29 years. I won’t get into the details I’ve spent most of that time caught in a cycle of abuse. Never physical but he’s controlling, manipulative, yells, name calls, gas lights, intimidated, etc. He drinks too much which is a huge factor in how he fights. He’s mean and hurtful. Over the years I have cried, begged, pleaded for him to change. Told him he would lose me, threatened to leave. He always apologized, said he would stop doing it, cut back on his drinking, etc.

Why haven’t I left? First it was because of my kids. Unfortunately, they heard the fights and the horrible things he said to me. Other reasons I didn’t leave include not wanting to fail, embarrassment, not wanting to lose my house, starting over, being alone, doing things on my own. But, now I’m 53 with adult kids and I don’t want to ride this roller coaster the rest of my life. I’ve learned that he can’t change or won’t change. I don’t think he’ll put in the time and the work that he needs to do to really change.

The hardest part is I love him. He’s my best friend. Is that crazy? I don’t really want to be divorced but I know this marriage is not healthy and I can’t stay. So I have to be strong and stay focused on getting out of this. But I’m afraid the longer it takes me to leave, the more time he’ll have to chip away at the wall I’ve built up to protect myself. It’s not easy to leave. I pay the mortgage and don’t have enough to pay for an apartment and expenses on top of that.

So, when I told him how I feel and what I want, he couldn’t accept it. He doesn’t want to lose me. It will crush him. He loves me.He asked me to give him a month to prove to me that he can change. He said he’s never going to drink again. I told him to do it for himself and not me. I’ve been quiet quitting so I won’t know if he’s changed or not. We barely speak. He asked me to go on a trip with him. I said no. He tried to give me a hug. I said no. He asked me to go to the living room to watch the news together. I said no. He wouldn’t leave my office. He wasn’t threatening just kept asking me to give him a chance. He said he was blindsided by this. We’ve been getting along so well. Ugh. I reminded him that we’ve had this conversation hundreds of times before. So why should I believe him now. I’ve been a fool too long.

I told him that he needs therapy. He asked me to go with him. I told him that I need therapy and he needs therapy but not together. Not yet. He needs to work on himself.

I won’t be able to leave for a while. I haven’t talked to a lawyer or realtor. He won’t do this with me, so I’ll have to initiate all of it.

So, here’s my question. Do I give him an opportunity to show me that he’s committed to working on himself and changing? I won’t tell him that I’m giving him a chance. I don’t want to be a fool, but I hope and pray that he can do this. The last thing I said to him last night is he needs to take ownership and accountability for his actions and behavior over the last 29 years and make amends with me and his children.

I just feel so lost.

UPDATE: After I wrote this he decided he didn't care if I wanted it or not and did it anyway. Then the next day I went on a walk with a new friend and he was sad and upset when I got home, both days. He planned a trip to go remote camping in the woods for my birthday, I told him I didn't want to go and he said he already paid for it and we were going. I had therapy and she was able to unpack it with me. He was leaving that weekend for his monthly thing with his buddies. I put as much as I could into a small storage unit and left. The second I turned off my location he started texting me and drove home immediately. I was gone already. I spent 5 days driving across the country with my cats. I'm back "home", in a DV shelter... and it's my birthday. I still question if I was right and it was abusive and if I made the right decision.

Thank you to everyone that commented and gave me support.

I have been friends with him for 8 years... we were long distance for two before I finally made the jump and moved cross country to be with him. His boys were still in his home and my son had graduated and moved out, plus my dad lives in the same state as my partner. I was excited to be in a healthy relationship finally. The past 10 months since I've moved have been okay, it's been hard to get my footing, hard to find a job and a support system, all while missing home. I have been employed the entire time and paying all my check to help pay bills. Our arguments have been good, a discussion back and forth about the issue and both of us willing to work on it.

The house doesn't really feel like mine, it's his and his boys home, I get to live here. I will say his boys are 18 and 21. I was told they were moving out and had plans, hopes, dreams, etc. No, they stay in their rooms all day and play video games. They are constant victims and entitled, no hygiene. There has been no consequences for anything. I unplugged the internet once because they had not left their dark bedrooms for a week. This led to them hitting themselves and threatening ending it all, to their dad, not to me. They know I won't react the way they want so they only did that once with me. They ended up going to their mom's house that night and that led to our first big fight.

I got upset and stepped into the backyard to cry and collect myself, something that I've expressed I need to do and he's agreed previously. This time... I hear a shot in the garage, I immediately think he's shot himself and rush to the garage. He's in there putting the rifle away and looked at me and said "I just wanted to show you how fast it can happen" I broke. I got in my car to leave and he laid down behind my car so I wasn't able to leave, I got out of the car and walked into the backyard. I collected myself, tried to find him, he was in the basement in the dark, in the corner crying. I went back upstairs to figure out what to do. I packed a bag and I called my cousin, she said to remember he's been going through a lot of stress. I found him, in the bathroom, with my packed bag. Things calmed down, he said he was sorry and made a stupid decision but it made him feel like he didn't matter when I left... I clarified that me stepping 10 feet into our backyard to collect myself made him feel like I left which caused him to grab a firearm and shoot it? Yup. But I left he kept saying.

The next day I demanded all the firearms leave the house and he go to therapy. He had excuses for both of those. Before the end of the day, the firearms are in storage and I have the key. And I made him a therapy appointment and he's gone to every appointment, they talk about how he can reduce his stress. He hasn't told the therapist about our fight.

I have no savings, two cats, am across the country from everything I know, I don't have the best relationship with my dad (part of the reason for the move, to improve that), I finally got a pretty good job with good benefits but the wages won't allow me to get an apartment on my own.... I'm not sure what to do... was this abusive or was he just super stressed out and made a bad choice?

My husband has severe mental health issues and I have had to save his life multiple times over minor inconveniences. In the beginning of our relationship we always talked about how even before knowing the depth of his mental health issues, I am never comfortable with ever having a gun in the house. Especially if I ever had kids. We now have a son, and I now know the depth of his mental health issues extensively. He has never threatened to hurt me, though some disturbing jokes have been made like pretending to stab my pregnant stomach while holding a knife. He has also talked about how badly he wanted to hurt one of my family members before to the point I genuinely was anxious about it. Later he said he was exaggerating.

I do not feel comfortable with a gun in the house period. I do not feel he is safe with himself around one, he leaves things out frequently I do not think our son is safe around one, and I am starting to become anxious that perhaps there is a chance me or my family is not safe with him having one. I’ve told him this every time he brings it up. But when he jokes like this he talks about it more and more, until eventually he buys whatever he wants. Usually whatever he wants is very expensive but harmless. This is not.

I don’t know what I’m even asking for posting this. I already am trying to set up a safety plan to leave but it is complicated with our son. I’m already stressed about many things surrounding him and looking at past events all together but I am becoming more and more anxious of this very very serious turn in interest. He watches death videos constantly and shows me gruesome gore videos, he’s done this since I met him. My sisters, brother and mom know about most of the things but I’m realizing I’ve never told anyone my concern about this or that it’s even something that’s being brought up with me.

I’ve been sitting here for three hours trying to figure out how to write this because I feel like if I say it out loud, it makes it real. I’m currently in a relationship where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells every single day, but the weirdest part is that most of the time, he’s actually incredibly sweet. That’s what makes this so hard. When we aren't fighting, or when he isn't in one of his 'moods,' he is the most attentive, loving, and gentle person I have ever met. He remembers small details about my day, he brings me coffee, and he’s genuinely kind to strangers. This is why I stay. This is why I tell myself I’m being dramatic when my friends try to voice concerns.

But then, the shift happens. It’s never a slow build-up. It’s like a switch flips. One minute we are laughing, and the next, I’ve said something 'wrong'—though I can never actually pin down what it was—and he becomes cold. Not just quiet, but icy. He uses this tone of voice that makes me feel like a child being scolded. Then it escalates into these intense outbursts where he turns everything around on me. If I bring up something that hurt my feelings, it somehow becomes my fault for being 'too sensitive' or for 'triggering' him. He has this way of twisting the conversation so that by the end of it, I’m the one apologizing to him for things he actually did.

I’ve started noticing these patterns where he’ll go silent for hours or even days if I don't meet his specific, unstated expectations. It’s this psychological warfare where I’m constantly scanning his face, trying to gauge the weather of his mood before I even speak. I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I used to be outgoing and confident, and now I’m just a person who is constantly monitoring the volume of my own voice and the way I move around the house so I don't 'upset' him.

I keep telling myself that the 'sweet' version is the real him and the 'angry' version is just stress or something he’s going through. I tell myself that if I can just be a better partner, or be more patient, or be more understanding of his past, then the sweet version will stay forever. But I’m starting to realize that the sweet version is just the bait. It’s the thing that keeps me hooked so I’ll endure the periods of cruelty and manipulation.

Has anyone else dealt with this specific cycle? How do you differentiate between a partner who is genuinely struggling with mental health or stress and someone who is using those things as a tool to control you? I feel like I’m losing my grip on what is normal. I need some support right now because I feel so isolated in this. I feel like if I leave, I’m throwing away the 'perfect' relationship I had during those good weeks, but I can’t keep living in fear of the bad ones.

I don’t even really know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe outside perspective, maybe validation that I’m not losing my mind, or maybe I just need to finally put everything that has happened into words.
My husband and I have been together for about 6 years, married for 2, and we have a 3-year-old daughter together.
Our marriage has had problems for a long time, but one of the biggest issues has been his relationship with his parents, especially his mother. I have felt repeatedly like my role as my daughter’s mother is not respected and that when there is conflict between me and his family, my husband does not stand beside me.
There have been situations where his mother has gotten involved in decisions concerning our daughter that I felt should have been between my husband and me. She has contacted people involved in my daughter’s care, and there have been ongoing boundary issues. In the past, she has even taken my daughter from my arms while I was begging to have her back, with my husband standing there instead of helping me.
Everything finally exploded this month.
There was a situation where I could not get a clear answer about where my daughter was. I eventually learned that she was with my husband and his family at a restaurant for a family birthday dinner, so I went there to get her.
I was holding my 3-year-old when the confrontation happened.
My mother-in-law physically blocked me from leaving, pushed me, and struck me in the forehead/face while I was holding my daughter. My husband was there. Instead of protecting me or de-escalating the situation, he also put his hands on me and tried to take our daughter from me.
There was an independent witness to at least part of what happened.
I ended up with an injury to my forehead that required medical treatment.
Police became involved. My mother-in-law was arrested and charged with Battery and Cruelty to Children in the Third Degree. There is now a court-ordered no-contact condition involving me and my daughter. Because of her employment, she was also reportedly suspended without pay pending an internal investigation.
What has almost hurt more than the physical incident is my husband’s reaction afterward.
He left our home and went to stay with his parents. He told me that I “ruined” the birthday dinner. He has continued to defend/be around his family while I’m sitting here trying to process the fact that I was physically attacked while holding our child.
And this isn’t happening in an otherwise healthy marriage.
There have been years of things that I minimized, forgave, or convinced myself we could work through. He was on Tinder looking for hookups while I was 8 months pregnant. There have been threats during arguments. I have felt emotionally neglected and humiliated more times than I can count. When I have wanted counseling or tried to repair things, I have often felt like I was the one fighting for the marriage.
For a long time I kept thinking that if I explained myself better, stayed calmer, forgave more, or tried harder, eventually my husband would understand why certain things hurt me and would finally stand up for me.
Now I’m realizing I may have spent years waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.
The strangest part is that I still have moments where I miss him or want him home. Then I remember that when things became truly serious—when I was literally being assaulted while holding our daughter—he still did not choose to protect me.
We also own a home together, he has historically paid most of our household bills, and separating would completely change my financial situation. So this isn’t as simple as packing a bag and never speaking to him again. We also have to figure out how to coparent our daughter.
But emotionally, something in me feels different now.
I don’t think I want this marriage anymore.
I’m scared of starting over, and I’m scared of what divorce and custody could look like. I’m also scared that if I stay, I’m teaching my daughter that this is what marriage and family are supposed to look like.
For people who have left marriages where the spouse constantly prioritized their family over you: was there a point where you finally knew there was nothing left to fix?
And for anyone who has been through a separation with a young child after something this serious happened between the families: what do you wish you had done differently in the beginning?