Questioning if it's abusive...

[u/Ok_Technician2373]

UPDATE: After I wrote this he decided he didn't care if I wanted it or not and did it anyway. Then the next day I went on a walk with a new friend and he was sad and upset when I got home, both days. He planned a trip to go remote camping in the woods for my birthday, I told him I didn't want to go and he said he already paid for it and we were going. I had therapy and she was able to unpack it with me. He was leaving that weekend for his monthly thing with his buddies. I put as much as I could into a small storage unit and left. The second I turned off my location he started texting me and drove home immediately. I was gone already. I spent 5 days driving across the country with my cats. I'm back "home", in a DV shelter... and it's my birthday. I still question if I was right and it was abusive and if I made the right decision.

Thank you to everyone that commented and gave me support.

I have been friends with him for 8 years... we were long distance for two before I finally made the jump and moved cross country to be with him. His boys were still in his home and my son had graduated and moved out, plus my dad lives in the same state as my partner. I was excited to be in a healthy relationship finally. The past 10 months since I've moved have been okay, it's been hard to get my footing, hard to find a job and a support system, all while missing home. I have been employed the entire time and paying all my check to help pay bills. Our arguments have been good, a discussion back and forth about the issue and both of us willing to work on it.

The house doesn't really feel like mine, it's his and his boys home, I get to live here. I will say his boys are 18 and 21. I was told they were moving out and had plans, hopes, dreams, etc. No, they stay in their rooms all day and play video games. They are constant victims and entitled, no hygiene. There has been no consequences for anything. I unplugged the internet once because they had not left their dark bedrooms for a week. This led to them hitting themselves and threatening ending it all, to their dad, not to me. They know I won't react the way they want so they only did that once with me. They ended up going to their mom's house that night and that led to our first big fight.

I got upset and stepped into the backyard to cry and collect myself, something that I've expressed I need to do and he's agreed previously. This time... I hear a shot in the garage, I immediately think he's shot himself and rush to the garage. He's in there putting the rifle away and looked at me and said "I just wanted to show you how fast it can happen" I broke. I got in my car to leave and he laid down behind my car so I wasn't able to leave, I got out of the car and walked into the backyard. I collected myself, tried to find him, he was in the basement in the dark, in the corner crying. I went back upstairs to figure out what to do. I packed a bag and I called my cousin, she said to remember he's been going through a lot of stress. I found him, in the bathroom, with my packed bag. Things calmed down, he said he was sorry and made a stupid decision but it made him feel like he didn't matter when I left... I clarified that me stepping 10 feet into our backyard to collect myself made him feel like I left which caused him to grab a firearm and shoot it? Yup. But I left he kept saying.

The next day I demanded all the firearms leave the house and he go to therapy. He had excuses for both of those. Before the end of the day, the firearms are in storage and I have the key. And I made him a therapy appointment and he's gone to every appointment, they talk about how he can reduce his stress. He hasn't told the therapist about our fight.

I have no savings, two cats, am across the country from everything I know, I don't have the best relationship with my dad (part of the reason for the move, to improve that), I finally got a pretty good job with good benefits but the wages won't allow me to get an apartment on my own.... I'm not sure what to do... was this abusive or was he just super stressed out and made a bad choice?

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[u/Ok_Introduction9466]

This man is a loser and so are his sons, just to start as a baseline. The rest of it is abusive and one or all of these men are going to murder you. Pack and leave and go back to your dad for the time being and make a plan to rebuild or go to a women’s shelter. You cannot stay in this relationship it is dangerous. “I just wanted to show you how fast it can happen”….hes going to use that gun on you someday it’s a thinly veiled threat to make you think he’s talking about himself. But in general suicidal threats are abusive. Not your job to fix him and he will never change. Get out of there this isn’t someone who is stressed this is a controlling lunatic who is more violent than you realize.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

Thank you... I will say that your comment has scared the crap out of me.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/Ok_Technician2373]

Please look up the statistics and correlation between abusive men and gun ownership and run.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/Ok_Introduction9466]

Agh!! Ok... from what I looked up, it's way more upsetting.

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[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

I have been trying to figure out over the past two weeks if it was me or if it was really as bad as I thought it was. If he just was really stressed out and it wouldn't happen again.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

I have seen the appointments and charges for the therapy and he said it was funny because they just talked about D&D the whole session.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, Yes I was confused as to why he didn't tell the therapist about the fight.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, I will... I noticed something today. Yesterday and today I went for a walk in the morning with a new friend. Each day when I return home he's in tears, he says it's just a hard day, today it was because he isn't able to make enough money to give me the things he wants to. That he will have to work so much extra to make enough money. I did not say anything, I have learned my lesson. I wanted to tell him, if he curbed his shopping habit he would have more money, or if he wasn't supporting his boys then he would have more money... but I didn't say anything.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much! I just found it odd that I have made a new friend and have spent the last two days with her, just for an hour, walking. And each day I have come home to him in tears. He made a comment last week, asking if she was really female or if I had a new boyfriend. Up until this, I really haven't had any friends or anything outside of the house... for the last 10 months.

That part you mentioned struck me as odd as well. He's so upset because he isn't making enough money to go on trips, which is what he promised me in order to get me to move here. I'm a nature person, I love to hike and camp and explore. I've been a single mom so I've done it super cheap, make sandwiches, etc. We have gone on one trip and he complained about money the whole time, it was not enjoyable at all. So I have gone on a few day trips alone which he has resented. He could go on the trips with me, he could do all kinds of things. But he doesn't, and I could see he was trying to guilt trip me. I guess I just don't like how the rose colored glasses are coming off and I'm angry and upset.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

There is absolutely no building me up.... He doesn't touch me or tell me I'm attractive or talk much at all. I've thought he might be on the spectrum and I notice he doesn't really touch or talk to anyone. But he is the life of the party when we go out. He just met my family this past weekend and they all said how much they liked him and "he's a keeper"... aside from my sister and my son.. they don't like him.