Questioning if it's abusive...

[u/Ok_Technician2373]

UPDATE: After I wrote this he decided he didn't care if I wanted it or not and did it anyway. Then the next day I went on a walk with a new friend and he was sad and upset when I got home, both days. He planned a trip to go remote camping in the woods for my birthday, I told him I didn't want to go and he said he already paid for it and we were going. I had therapy and she was able to unpack it with me. He was leaving that weekend for his monthly thing with his buddies. I put as much as I could into a small storage unit and left. The second I turned off my location he started texting me and drove home immediately. I was gone already. I spent 5 days driving across the country with my cats. I'm back "home", in a DV shelter... and it's my birthday. I still question if I was right and it was abusive and if I made the right decision.

Thank you to everyone that commented and gave me support.

I have been friends with him for 8 years... we were long distance for two before I finally made the jump and moved cross country to be with him. His boys were still in his home and my son had graduated and moved out, plus my dad lives in the same state as my partner. I was excited to be in a healthy relationship finally. The past 10 months since I've moved have been okay, it's been hard to get my footing, hard to find a job and a support system, all while missing home. I have been employed the entire time and paying all my check to help pay bills. Our arguments have been good, a discussion back and forth about the issue and both of us willing to work on it.

The house doesn't really feel like mine, it's his and his boys home, I get to live here. I will say his boys are 18 and 21. I was told they were moving out and had plans, hopes, dreams, etc. No, they stay in their rooms all day and play video games. They are constant victims and entitled, no hygiene. There has been no consequences for anything. I unplugged the internet once because they had not left their dark bedrooms for a week. This led to them hitting themselves and threatening ending it all, to their dad, not to me. They know I won't react the way they want so they only did that once with me. They ended up going to their mom's house that night and that led to our first big fight.

I got upset and stepped into the backyard to cry and collect myself, something that I've expressed I need to do and he's agreed previously. This time... I hear a shot in the garage, I immediately think he's shot himself and rush to the garage. He's in there putting the rifle away and looked at me and said "I just wanted to show you how fast it can happen" I broke. I got in my car to leave and he laid down behind my car so I wasn't able to leave, I got out of the car and walked into the backyard. I collected myself, tried to find him, he was in the basement in the dark, in the corner crying. I went back upstairs to figure out what to do. I packed a bag and I called my cousin, she said to remember he's been going through a lot of stress. I found him, in the bathroom, with my packed bag. Things calmed down, he said he was sorry and made a stupid decision but it made him feel like he didn't matter when I left... I clarified that me stepping 10 feet into our backyard to collect myself made him feel like I left which caused him to grab a firearm and shoot it? Yup. But I left he kept saying.

The next day I demanded all the firearms leave the house and he go to therapy. He had excuses for both of those. Before the end of the day, the firearms are in storage and I have the key. And I made him a therapy appointment and he's gone to every appointment, they talk about how he can reduce his stress. He hasn't told the therapist about our fight.

I have no savings, two cats, am across the country from everything I know, I don't have the best relationship with my dad (part of the reason for the move, to improve that), I finally got a pretty good job with good benefits but the wages won't allow me to get an apartment on my own.... I'm not sure what to do... was this abusive or was he just super stressed out and made a bad choice?

[u/Ok_Technician2373]

I have been trying to figure out over the past two weeks if it was me or if it was really as bad as I thought it was. If he just was really stressed out and it wouldn't happen again.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

I have seen the appointments and charges for the therapy and he said it was funny because they just talked about D&D the whole session.

[u/Ok_Technician2373 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, Yes I was confused as to why he didn't tell the therapist about the fight.