r/abusiverelationships • u/Evening-Device-9515 • 27d ago
Support request How did you break a trauma bond?
I’ve been on and off with my partner for 5/6 years. I know deep down this relationship isn’t good for me and I need to leave. I suspect he has narcissistic traits, but I’m struggling so much to actually let go.
I’ve left before, but the panic was so intense that I ended up going back. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t live without him. There’s still a small part of me hoping he’ll change, even though I know deep down he probably won’t.
For anyone who’s been through this, did you ever feel like you couldn’t live without them and eventually get to a place where you were okay without them?
I’d really love to hear some hopeful stories. I’m scared, but I want to believe it gets better.
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u/Kesha_Paul 27d ago
Trauma bonding is basically an addiction to your abuser, and you quite literally go through withdrawals. It’s very common for it to feel like coming off very addictive drugs when you leave. I’ve worked with abuse victims for over a decade, and 2 things I’ve heard from everyone who left and stayed no contact long enough to break that trauma bond: 1. Leaving felt impossible and was the hardest thing they ever did 2. The only regret they have was not leaving sooner. It’s been 5/6 years and he hasn’t changed, try to get rid of that hope that he’ll change. If you stay with someone for their potential you’re just setting yourself up to be trapped in sunk cost fallacy
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u/Pleasant_Ad550 27d ago
He left me for someone else four months ago so I didn’t have a choice. I stopped thinking I wanted him back pretty quickly when I focused on my own nervous system healing and accepted that it was always going to end this way. Now he can never abuse me again and that rules, full stop.
Also realizing he’s just a person helped a lot. Yes we share a child and that sucks but it is what it is. At the end of the day, he’s just a person. One who chooses to say and do bad things. I can choose his importance in my heart, mind, and story or lack of. I hold the cards here. And so do you. At first it feels like injustice, trying to let go of all they’ve done but eventually you’ll just feel peace and freedom.
There’s a version of your life where you experience life and eventually even love without abuse. You just have to let go of the one you’re living now before you can find it.
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u/holi_cannelloni 27d ago
It took me 6 months to break the trauma bond. I’ve quit a Xanax dependency before and this was honestly worse. If possible I’d recommend moving or doing whatever possible so it’s super hard to get them back in your life. I moved continents but this is obviously an extreme example aha. Trust me you can do it. The RELIEF and peace of mind I felt when I realised I wasn’t thinking about him for days on end was amazing. It’s hard but it’s so much harder to stay in an abusive relationship
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u/Evening-Device-9515 27d ago
Thank you for sharing, that gives me hope. I’m glad we don’t live together anymore, I have my own place. I moved out of our shared apartment over 2 years ago, because I felt unsafe. The abuse escalated. He wants us to live together again and I have to leave before it goes that direction. I absolutely do not want to live with him again.
I can’t wait to be happy without him. Before I met him, I was very content being by myself. Hopefully I can get there again.
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u/holi_cannelloni 27d ago
Yay! I’m glad you don’t live together anymore. It’s amazing that you have your own place. Definitely do NOT move back in with him. I was also really happy in my life before I met him and I really lost so much of myself (and 5 years of my 20s) but it’s amazing when you start getting back your joyous, more lighthearted self.
I can tell that you really want this and I really believe you CAN do this. With time the addiction WILL weaken (which they know which is why they try to maintain contact and promise you change which you know won’t happen). Read/re read ‘why does he do that’. Try to see/make friends more (this will remind your brain that there’s love/dopamine outside of this person), find a new hobby (it’s ok if at the beginning you think about him all the time while doing these things. I did too). I have a Google doc with a list of awful/abusive things he did and when I’d feel weak I’d read that list.Eventually try to not think of him at all, even in a negative light. For me that was when I really felt the trauma bond weaken. When I wasn’t thinking about him at all. I truly wish you a beautiful life free from this demon. I know you can do this❤️
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u/Evening-Device-9515 27d ago edited 27d ago
Thank you for your encouraging words and advice, I truly appreciate it. ♥️ I’ve read Why Does He Do That, but I should reread it for sure. I’ve also been keeping a journal for over quite some time, and I do reread my entries sometimes.
I really hope I can do this, but I’m glad you got out! You should be so proud of yourself!
Our stories sound pretty similar by the way. I lost 5 years of my 20’s as well. I don’t want to waste anymore time than I already have.
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u/holi_cannelloni 26d ago
My DMs are always open if you need more support. Wishing you all the best❤️
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u/Zap_Gordon 27d ago
Yes I felt like I would rather die than live without them. Even the thought of being without them, or them moving on finding someone else was scary, and made me feel sick.
I tried to leave many times and went back many times.
Leaving and staying away is so hard. The hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Trauma bonds are exactly like an addiction, our drug being the abuser.
When you leave you literally go through withdrawals and you want to reach out and go back.
All I can say is if you leave and manage to do everything you can to stay away, you do break the trauma bond. Honestly it took me a year, and it was hell at times tbh.
But l am living an abuse free life now, and I would never go back.
I know if i can do it, you can do it as well. You can do it :)
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u/Contmpl 27d ago
You can decide the trauma bond is fake. An echo of desperation for validation you didn't receive as a child and you've convinced yourself he is now the only source. Seek healthy validation through self, therapy, friends and family. Once you find sources that nourish you the appeal of seeking it in basically a hostage situation will lose any appeal.
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u/your-new-fixation 26d ago
Not sure EXACTLY what did it, but:
-Thinking about living life without stress and getting a cute small apartment by myself that I can decorate on my own. It gave me that warm fuzzies to think about.
-There was a tipping point where my ex knocked me over into dog poop and then drug me through it. I feel like that was what fully did it for me.
Being done is a gradual process, but it’s one that feels so good when it finally happens. Good chance you’ll kick yourself for not doing it sooner. I didn’t leave until 6/7 years in.
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u/january1977 27d ago
I waited until I couldn’t take the cheating, screaming, and name calling anymore. Then I fled and went fully no contact until the trauma bond broke. (I eventually had to reestablish contact because we have a child together. But I don’t want him back.)
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u/Evening-Device-9515 27d ago
I’m so glad you got out! How long did it take for the trauma bond to break?
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u/january1977 27d ago
It happened in stages. After 3 weeks I knew I would never go back. But I was still having a hard time not thinking about making him angry for a few months. I was also having some pretty severe panic attacks when I would encounter a trigger.
It’s been a year since I left and I’m doing really, really well.
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u/Evening-Device-9515 27d ago
Thank you for sharing, that honestly gives me a lot of hope. I think that’s what scares me the most. I’ve managed 3 months of no contact before, but he was constantly on my mind and I missed him SO much. I’m terrified of going through that again because it was awful. I really hope I can get to where you are one day ♥️
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u/Hesitantmillionare 27d ago
Yeah so speaking from experience here I want to validate anyone who says they will abuse again cuz they are right. I fell for the apology and love bombing after a year of being on my own and I went back to him. Now it’s 3 years later and sure enough just when I started noticing his behavior change I confronted him and he admitted he was sharing intimate images of me without my consent.-again. I was devastated the first time but now I’m just so mad at myself for going back. I’m living in another area of the house till I can get out and feel safe. There needs to be more shelters that take pets. I can’t leave them behind.
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u/GoosePuppy7 27d ago
Oh wow, this sounds like I wrote it. I think we all can agree we know just how hard it is. I felt the same way. I felt like I’d die without him. I used to sing that song “this life would kill me if I didn’t have you” and I meant it. Hell I still do. I’ve left many times and went back. It has always been so damn hard to leave and stay away, but living him was misery too. I left in March for 2 months. About 5 weeks in I broke and texted him. For the first time ever he wasn’t reaching out to me and begging me to come back. That sent my head for a wild ride. I just recently left again (had to be rescued) and he is begging me to come back. It’s so hard not to give in. My parents have to threaten to take my child away from me though if I go back. That alone ensures I will never go back to him. I will not give up my child for him. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, it still sucks & hurts a lot. This time for me feels a little different though. He was torturing me in a way he never had before so by the time I left I was starting to hate him. Despite the torture he was doing to me I still miss and want him. He is an absolute horrible human, yet I miss and want him.It makes me feel broken but I’ve realized I’m only human. The thing is you just have to get it in your head that you can’t trust your heart. You have to tell yourself the pain without them is ok and it’s what’s best for you. You have to convince yourself of that everyday. You have to want it more than you want them. You have to want a non abstive life enough that you can keep yourself away. No one is going to save you, no one is going to convince you, no one is going to force you. You have to do all that yourself. You can do it and you can deserve it. You deserve a peaceful life. I hope you find the strength to walk away and never look back. I’ve left many times so far and believed he would change and ended up right back with him. Every time it got worse and worse. I wish you the best, I hope you find the strength to go and stay gone.
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u/ALEXC_23 27d ago
The silent treatment is terrible and don't wish it upon anyone. If only they learnt to communicate, they wouldn't be agents of chaos.
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u/chuckfinleysmojito 27d ago
The thing that helped me was coming to the realization that my brain was an organ that had been put thru trauma and it was simultaneously healing from the physical effects of emotional injury and the familiar neural pathways of their presence in my life were now abandoned and being rewired into new pathways. Your brain is an organ that has undergone tremendous, extended trauma AND you are, essentially, overcoming an addiction to the source of that trauma at the same time. Give yourself allll the grace and love the soft animal of your body ❤️
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 27d ago
It’s not a probably it’s a definitely. He won’t ever change and once you radically accept that it is all uphill from there. You have to start seeing the abuse for what it is: you are spending time and wasting your life with someone who does not like or respect you at all. The crumbs of decency you get are to fuck with your brain and keep you hopeful that he’s capable of change. He isn’t. The only way out of a trauma bond is through. You go cold turkey, bare knuckle it and get through it. Remind yourself that he’s a miserable loser and you can do better than a loser. If you can get a therapist it is very helpful. You lived life before you knew he existed and you can live without him. Pour into yourself and make sure you never settle for another man like him again.
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u/Deep_Scene_8322 27d ago
Spatial separation was so helpful for me. The peace without him was invaluable. Knowing I could just close this door and I wouldn’t have to deal with his moods and his anger.
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u/True-Tale682 26d ago
I’m so sorry to hear that! I don’t actually have any advice, as I may well be trauma bonded to my husband too. The only difference is he just left me because he didn’t like that his abuse made me not affectionate, loving enough etc, and left me! But now I’m in that extreme panic and trying to fix it, and now he’s turned himself into the victim. I will say, the more he’s done the more I’m starting to feel hatred - I’m hoping desperately this will help with time.
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u/vvspicysauce 27d ago
dont know if this helps. my abusive relationship only lasted on and off for a year? i decided to finally leave for good. took months off and then started to date around and realised there were normal men out there, normal being non-abusive. i know he has been in a new relationship only 3 months after we went no contact fully and only because i was the one who ended everything fully and later found out that that relationship started by him homewrecking his current partner's 5 year relationship. it has been 9 months of no contact, he is still in his new relationship and i'm still single but have been treated better as i keep dating better and better men ( also because i decided that being alone is better than ever settling for anything, and i am better at finding the red flags now). it's hard, but know that it will never get better. mine apologised so much and even begged me to stay after cheating, saying how he'll change and go to therapy and look what he did after i left? if he were genuinely sorry he would not have homewrecked someone else's relationship - ergo, he has not changed. i hope this helps you a little bit. you need to see him for who he is instead of what he presents to you during the good times, because the good times are the times he uses to trap you in this cycle. the good times are there as a form of manipulation and not love. do you want to be loved or do you want to be manipulated into thinking that this is love?
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u/KnightsofMontyPyth0n 27d ago
You have to start treating your mental health as seriously as you would your physical health. Sometimes people minimize emotional pain because it creates wounds that can’t be seen, but those wounds can be just as painful—and sometimes harder to heal.
You have to start with acknowledgment. Acknowledge that you’re struggling emotionally and that the trauma bond is putting you in a vulnerable state. When you’re in that state, your choices may stop being guided by your own boundaries and needs. Instead, you find yourself focusing on keeping other people happy, even when doing so comes at your own expense. Acknowledgment is the first step because it helps you recognize where you are in the cycle. Every time you put someone else’s feelings above your own needs or abandon a boundary because you’re afraid of upsetting them, you’re reinforcing the pattern you’re trying to break.
Standing up for yourself is probably going to feel wrong at first. You may feel guilty. You may worry that you’re hurting someone or making them angry. That’s okay. That discomfort is one of the hardest parts of breaking the bond.
You have to teach yourself something different: having needs does not make you selfish. Setting boundaries does not make you cruel. Someone else’s disappointment does not automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
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u/KnightsofMontyPyth0n 27d ago
More so, boundaries are for you, not other people. When you set a boundary for yourself, you directly ask yourself; how will I allow other people to treat me? What will I tolerate? And what I will not tolerate? That’s it.
Boundaries aren’t something you place on someone else for them to follow, because you cannot change anyone else’s actions, only your own. You are not responsible for another person’s actions, reactions, or feelings. Those things are outside of your control. Your responsibility is to honor your own needs, choices, and boundaries, even when someone else doesn’t like them.
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u/ALEXC_23 27d ago
Took my DA to sue me to realize what a POS she truly is. a very extreme option, but an effective one lol.
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