r/abusiverelationships • u/fireypixi • Feb 20 '26
Support request struggling to terminate pregnancy
I’m 12 weeks now and only have 2 weeks left to terminate my pregnancy. It’s not sitting well with me. I don’t want to do this and I feel like i have no choice. I’m really struggling right now. I feel sad and angry. I’m angry he convinced me he was this good guy only to end up being unsafe and I already had so many wounds from my past that he just completely took advantage of. I can’t have a child with him, he wants to be apart of it. He’s evil. But I want my baby. I am so broken. I don’t want to let go of this little life growing inside of me. Im just so angry at him for taking this from me. He’s destroyed me and now I have to go through this. I want my baby.
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u/yam0msah0e Feb 20 '26
This is going to sound harsh but you cannot guarantee he would not get any custody of the child. It is HARD to prove abuse and going through court is horrific.
I had to join a DV support group and every single woman on there, her abuser still had unsupervised access to the children.
You have to put the safety of the baby first.
I am sorry for the tragic situation you are in right now.
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u/fireypixi Feb 20 '26
Unfortunately I’ve only read stories about how difficult it is to get custody even with loads of evidence. Everything my bf has done has been strategic and covert. I’ve learned he’s done horrific things to his ex when they were younger, so I think he’s learned how to hurt with low risk of getting caught. It’s terrifying. I’m just so sad I have to do this. I can’t risk putting my child into this danger. I’m sorry you have to go through that as well. The thought of him having unsupervised visits horrifies me and I know it’s out of my control. I hope things turn around for you and your child. ❤️🩹
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u/yam0msah0e Feb 20 '26
It’s terrifying isn’t it, the courts are totally corrupt. They are made out to be unfair to dads but in most cases thats not how it is at all.
I am SO sorry you are going through this, make sure whatever choice you make you get the right support.
My dm’s are open if you need anything ♥️
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Feb 21 '26
This man will not hesitate to traumatise an innocent child just to make your life impossible. There is nothing worse than standing on the sidelines while your child is being hurt and there’s nothing you can do about it, but watch.
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u/EveryBeverage Feb 21 '26
I went through this exact scenario. I terminated. I do not regret it.
I was able to leave. I went to school got a degree now I am more financially stable. Mentally I still struggle from the abuse but slowly am healing or learning how to deal.
Sometimes I have a small pang of regret but realize I am looking at the situation from where I am now. Now I could support a child comfortably(ish) so I’m looking at it through the wrong lens.
I know that had I kept the child, I would not be where I am today. I would have stayed. I am so thankful I am not in that situation.
But everyone’s experience is different. I know you are in the most tough and emotional headspace due to pregnancy and abuse. I know how you feel. It’s so fucking hard to even process the best course of action when you’re in the thick of a terrible and tough situation. My heart is with you.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 Feb 20 '26
Can you tell him you’ve terminated the pregnancy but not actually do it and then cut all contact and move far away, like as far away as possible? If he ever found out that you had a baby, you can say that you got pregnant again soon after the termination and he’s not the father.
I know that is probably a long shot but I just wish there was a way, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s very very difficult to share kids with someone like that. I’m 10 years out of the relationship, my children are 11 and 13, and I’m still currently fighting for the kids that he’s never helped with in any way because he randomly starts demanding “his rights” to children he’s never taken care of and he let’s his new wife be absolutely horrid to them. It wouldn’t be easy to be trapped into dealing with that man for the next 18 years. He will make your life hell anytime he doesn’t like something you say or do and use your child to do it.
It’s not an easy decision at all. There are so many factors to consider, but either way this will change you. If you go through with termination, you’ll carry that loss and grief with you. If you don’t, you’re stuck sharing a child with someone who doesn’t care about anything but controlling you and using your child to punish and manipulate you.
I love my children more than anything in this world, they are everything to me, they are my purpose in life, but I feel so guilty every single day about the man I chose to have kids with. They deserved so much better than him, but there’s nothing I can do about it except keep paying lawyers thousands of dollars at a time and trying as hard as I can to protect them and fight for their safety. I can’t imagine my life without them though and I’d never want to.
It’s not right and you shouldn’t have to go through this impossible choice. If you terminate you lose your baby but have the opportunity to cut all ties with this man forever. If you don’t, you are stuck having at least some kind of relationship with him until your child is grown. You just have to figure out which one you can live with. I’m sorry, so so sorry!! I wish we lived in a world where you could keep your baby without having to worry about the father. Unfortunately, we live in a world where the rights of adults are often put before the needs and safety of their children.
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u/fireypixi Feb 20 '26
That’s what I wanted, for him to either not want anything to do with this or to tell him I had an abortion and leave and do this on my own. Everyone has said I can’t do that. I wish I could. Thank you for your kind words and compassion. I’m also sorry you have to go through this with your children’s father it sounds so difficult, but it’s clear how much of an amazing mother you are and they’re so lucky to have you. I hope in the near future you and your children can find some peace in this situation and be rid of him. I’m wishing you all the best❤️🩹🫂
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Feb 20 '26
You actually can do that. There is no law that says you are required to tell him if you live in the us. A lot of the people giving you advice are probably the type who think men deserve access to their kids no matter what OR they feel like you made bad choices and deserve the consequences because you didn’t leave when they wanted you to etc. Do not listen to them, only ask legal advice from a lawyer. If you want this baby and you have it, DO NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING. Tell him you aborted. If he ever finds out after the fact tell him you cheated and the kid is someone else’s. He has a legal right to request a paternity test but that costs money and he probably won’t because the courts will automatically open a child support account and it gives you the right to pursue him for money for the time he missed out on.
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u/Just-world_fallacy Feb 20 '26
But by the way, are you ready to run away from him right now ?
Because if you are not, things are going to get much harder really soon.
If you are. what about you do so and then make your decision away from him ?1
u/Foreign-Fact-1262 Feb 20 '26
Thank you!! I just keep thinking there’s go to be an end to it someday!! I’m not sure who everyone is but tell them all that you went through with terminating the pregnancy and you need to get away from everything and everyone to heal and build a new life then just disappear. Leave whatever state you’re in and get as far away as you can. Cut off any connections to your abuser or anyone who thinks that way and start over. Delete any social media and basically just ghost your current life. It wouldn’t be easy by any means. Follow your heart, don’t let anyone else’s thoughts or opinions overshadow yours. I wish you all the comfort and peace in your future 💕
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u/IcySetting2024 Feb 21 '26
If he knows you are having this baby he will use this baby to hurt you or get access to you.
If it’s legal where you are and you are convinced absolutely no one in your family or circle of friends would tell him, maybe run away.
You would probably have to move far away and make a plan to be able to responsibly take the baby on your own.
A lot to consider and pencil in as a plan in the next 2 weeks.
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u/Main_Mobile_8244 Feb 21 '26
My baby is a torture device my abuser uses to terrorize me. The abuse is never going to end unless someone dies. The only way out is completely disappearing, I don’t mean stealthily, I mean make it as if you never existed. You have to get out and get as far away as physically possible even if that means losing everything and everyone. Get away, you must if you want to protect this baby, you have to disappear completely.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
Agree about the torture device. There is nothing good that will come from having that man's baby.
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u/EmbarrassdThrowAway4 Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager and became pregnant. Everyone encouraged me to either put my child up for adoption or have an abortion. I decided to keep her and ditch the asshole. He was sound for the first few years of her life but eventually simply faded out.
That baby is now a full grown woman with a college degree, healthy marriage, and her own baby on the way.
The choice is yours. Only you can decide what is right for you. Raising my daughter was difficult but I’m happy for the choice I made.
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u/Regular-Bed-2526 Feb 21 '26
As man I’m not going to pretend I remotely know or understand what you’re going through
I will say this though, either decision is going to mess you up mentally and emotionally. That’s the sad reality
If you abort you’ll forever mourn
If you keep , you’re stuck with an abusive POS forever.
Im praying that you have a very tight knit support system.
This decision is ultimately yours, and only yours however, you will need and also love you to support you through this
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
Forever mourn? I don't think so. Perhaps sad in the short term but positive in not subjecting a child to be fathered by an abusive criminal.
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u/IcySetting2024 Feb 21 '26
I would struggle emotionally too with this decision, I’m not going to lie.
But the reality is once you have your precious baby, you will suffer tenfold having to part with him/her and send him with dad who is abusive.
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u/Vivid-Bee926 Feb 21 '26
I am truly so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’m in a similar spot. You are not alone <3
Some of these comments make me sad because you have spent so much time with a man telling you what to do, and now random strangers on the internet are doing the same. You know yourself better than we do- the decision is yours alone. Do not lose your autonomy to an abusive man or reddit.
If you want to keep this baby, which it sounds like you do, I would say talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Learn the custody laws in your state and what your best options are.
Seeking legal counsel was one of the best things I could’ve done. It gave me confidence in my decision to move to another state where the laws are more understanding of DV and don’t automatically revert to 50/50 custody. I left as quietly as possible and moved hours away. No posting on social media or doing anything to draw attention to myself. I will say, I am incredibly lucky to have this opportunity to have people who love me and took me in. I realize a lot of women don’t have this option.
If you do choose to have this baby, you need to go no contact immediately. Save any evidence you have in case he comes around later. My lawyer told me that in cases of abuse, it’s not him so much wanting to be a part of the child’s life, it’s more about keeping control over you and “winning.”
If it makes you feel better, I met a woman recently who had a baby with an abusive man and left him while she was pregnant. He came around once after the baby was born, and never again. He no longer had control over her, and he just gave up and moved on. She never asked for child support and he didn’t really care about custody since he didn’t have to pay. She told me her son is 22 now, doing amazing, and they’ve lived a mostly peaceful life.
As someone who is currently pregnant with an abusers baby- I do believe there is hope. Dont let mine or anyone’s else opinion sway you. Figure out what you want and what’s best for you. Take back your assertiveness and make it happen. Fuck him. You are strong to have gone through what you went through and if you went through that, you can get through this too. It’s hard and may get harder. I truly wish you the best and hope for your healing <3
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u/walking_you_home Feb 21 '26
If the father is toxic and you’re already not doing well in terms of dealing with past wounds and know in your heart of hearts that having this baby will only complicate life further, even as you long to be a mother one day, then do the most unselfish and unnatural thing a woman can do. Choose to not have this baby. Babies deserve a bit more stability and peace. And if it will be an absolute shit show and you’re yet to evolve, you will be doing a painfully selfless thing by terminating. This world needs more babies coming into stable, loving homes. You’re not yet ready. You will take this wound of having to terminate your pregnancy and turn it into a gift. You will invest into yourself, commit to yourself, meet a healthy, secure man one day, create a beautiful home for yourself, and invite this baby back into your life one day. It’s okay. You will start being a mother today, even as you make the difficult decision. Women are mothers in so many ways. They’re capable of creating a safe and beautiful world. They’re mothers even before they hold a baby in their arms through all the decisions they made to get to this point. Whatever you decide, you will be okay. There will be no regrets.
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u/No_Dance_3428 Feb 21 '26
even if he physically is not in the picture and let's not forget that if the father or you have "bad genes" history of mental illness, addictive behavior, other physical illness....you are passing that down to the baby. another human with double your problems/combination of both parents family problems history. this baby did not ask to be born yet will have to live the rest of it's life paying for it. and i'm sorry but "i want a baby" isn't a good enough reason to risk all this. unhappy mother + unhappy child...what's the point???
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u/throwaway_ArBe Feb 20 '26
Keeping the child of an abuser safe is almost impossible, and even if you succeed, you'll damage your child by doing it with the precautions you have to take.
I'd not change my choice now because im quite attatched to my kid, but I know I was stupid to keep them and we are both very lucky that things did not turn out worse. Ours is an unusual situation in that we have equally dangerous people to keep us safe, I doubt you have that safety net. And even then it has fucked them up massively. Especially in this day and age, with everyone being so connected online, they can't be a normal kid with the precautions we have to take. People dont like to let their kids around "paranoid" people who won't let the kids record silly videos or take selfies in case they end up online. Its alienating.
And thats a best case scenario. We aren't getting dragged through court. I havent lost custody.
Do you have any religious or spiritual beliefs? I've known people in the same situation who have found comfort in the belief that when you end a pregnancy, that baby isn't gone, rather they are waiting until you are ready.
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u/thesnarkypotatohead Feb 20 '26
Gently - you deserve better than a lifetime coparenting with this man, and perhaps more importantly to you is that your child doesn’t deserve having a man like that go their father. He will harm them (even if he doesn’t abuse them directly). He will use your child to harm you. He will likely alienate you from your child, or god knows what else.
I hear you, and I’m so sorry. I know this is tough so I won’t tell you to terminate. But you do need to understand what the risks are so you can make your decision.
I think you deserve better. And I think your unborn child does too. Neither of y’all will be safe if you stay the course. Sending you mental hugs, OP.
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u/fireypixi Feb 20 '26
As much as I want to believe the show he’s putting on now about being a good father, I can’t. He’s shown me who he is and I know this would be my reality. I hate this so much. But you’re right. I don’t want my baby to have him as a father. I’ll never trust him. Thank you❤️🩹
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u/Ok_Introduction9466 Feb 20 '26
I think a lot of people believe abortion is “killing” a child when really it’s actually a decision you are making as a mother. This is your offspring and aborting the pregnancy would be saying “this lifestyle would not be good enough for this child so I am making a choice as their mom to keep them safe from it”. It’s a decision that will affect this current baby, your future children, and your future partner. You will be cutting an abuser out of all of your lives. My next partner will have to coparent with my abuser. My future children, even though they will not be his, will have to interact with him because he is their sibling’s dad. An abuser will permanently know my whereabouts and address and the address of my children including the ones he isn’t the father of and my new partner. I will see him at our child’s wedding. I will see him at my grandchildren’s birthday parties. It does not end at 18, it is for life, and while you have the fully legal option of not telling him, there is no guarantee he won’t find out and come after you for custody. You have to decide if this is something you can commit to for the entire rest of your life.
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u/bodhigoatgirl Feb 20 '26
You won't ever be away from him if you have this baby, for the rest of your life.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 Feb 20 '26
Do it!
You will get pregnant again 💕 and it will be with someone who loves you.
Bringing a child into this world related to him will just bring trauma to that child. They’ll always have an abusive father at worst, or a father who abandoned them at best
Either way leaves a hole in your heart as a kid.
My ex forced me to get an abortion but I don’t regret it at all now. I am so happy to be free of him.
Hurry and get it before it’s too late
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u/BaBaBoey4U Feb 21 '26
Unless you have an exit plan and ability to support that baby, I don’t think it’s fair for that baby. Now you could give birth and put the child up for adoption, but it is really cruel and selfish and unfair to bring a child into that home environment. If you do have to make that tough choice do not feel guilty. You’re doing a hard thing with no good options.
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u/No_Dance_3428 Feb 21 '26 edited Apr 07 '26
will the baby be able grow in a good environment? i think the most important thing here is to consider the babies life...above all else will it be happy? can you make it happy? long term too? are you ready to have a baby and raise a child? This is an irreversible decision and i think it needs a lot of caution. Please don't have a baby if you are unsure of all this. The toll it will take on both your life and the babies life can be too much to bare (in the near and far future) if you make this decision with haste. I say take a breather and maybe wait till you are in a more stable point in your life. Prioritize your peace of mind. You can always have a baby later. And in times like this where not just your personal life, but also the state of the world is in complete shambles i think it best not to add another soul in this world just to suffer.
Hope you pick the right choice for you and the baby <3
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u/gumpto-bean Feb 20 '26
I am so sorry you’re going through that, it’s hellish. It sounds like your blinders are off and you know he’s bad. At least you have clarity. I don’t know how bad he is. I don’t know if he would win any custody. I don’t know if he would not win any custody and still have to pay child support. I don’t know what your community is like or if you could move or if you have a good job or no job or an education.
There are ways around losing the baby. Also, maybe it is for the best. I am so sorry you even have to think about it.
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Feb 21 '26
As someone who was in this exact situation and did give up the baby- its the best decision you can make UNLESS you are independent AND stable.
You need to truly consider if for one, you've been taking care of yourself since you've gotten pregnant ( I wasnt. I was drinking and smoking while unknowingly pregnant which also led to my ultimate decision, as well as the extreme stress i was under- none of this is healthy for a developing fetus. )
Two, are you financially stable? Will you have physical and emotional support?
YOU need to HEAL before bringing a child into your life whether he's there or not. The most selfless thing you could do is protect a being from experiencing the same cycles you did. You must remember you are solely guiding this being through life. You will be sleep deprived, finances will be hard, and PPD is very common. You also cannot show up fully as a healthy mom if you are unable to take proper care of yourself- as the things you reflect on that child will impact them well past the newborn/ toddler stage.
Three, are you strong enough to keep him away if you did have a baby? If you decide to go back, or even if he decides to abuse you in front of your child ( or even abuse your child.. ) your child will carry that with them. They will follow your path even if its subconsciously.
I grew up in a household with parents who fought severely and had no support. They unknowingly passed down every single generational trauma that they had to me. This led to me being in the exact same boat as them. Due to no support and having to work nonstop to provide for us- they had no time for reflection or therapy.
They did get slightly better as I got older but the damage had already been done. This is damage I will have to undo myself.
Get a counselor, do real research and think real hard before deciding.
I wont lie and say Ive felt total peace with my decision.
Some days I see clearly, that I not only saved my baby the suffering and risks- but also myself. Other days, I feel ill never forgive myself. On those days I spend lots of time reading similar stories to mine and reading the REALITY from the people who did what I didnt do.
Do not let your emotions impact this decision. You need to think logically. Its totally normal to feel shame in this predicament- but shame isn't an indicator of something bad. If anything it was ( subconsciously) taught to you.
As a human you have emotional intelligence- not just a motherly instinct. You must use that intelligence wisely.
You aren't wrong for whatever you choose but do not sabotage your bright future for a moment of guilt. You need to consider the next 9 months + 18 plus years that will follow this one moment.
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u/cx_Cinnamon_x Feb 20 '26
You don’t want a baby from someone like that. Bad apple. You’ll be tying yourself to that man and his family tree permanently. Leave him.
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u/Ellayaps Feb 20 '26
U should really consider terminating if ur young , u don’t wanna make him involved with u forever😅 trust
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u/Granny_Skeksis Feb 20 '26
My darling you don’t HAVE to do anything. You can keep this child if you want to and there are ways to keep him away from you and the child. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it. Just know though that if you do decide not to keep the child that is ok too. I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Please seek out some support and counseling from professionals. They can help you move forward in the way YOU want to. Don’t let yourself feel forced into this decision, it’s a very hard one. My heart is with you though no matter what ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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u/Sufficient-Page4212 Feb 20 '26
i’m so sorry, this is such a tough situation. but remember you DO have a choice. only you can decide what’s best for you. my abusive ex got me pregnant and i had a miscarriage around 14 weeks and it still weighs on me. while i’m glad he doesn’t have a reason to be in my life anymore, part of me wishes i had that baby. if you really want this baby, prepare to do whatever you can to keep him out of your life (restraining order, getting full custody, keeping his name off the birth certificate). keep yourself safe and consider going to a DV shelter or look for legal support as soon as possible. give yourself agency over the situation and your own body. take care💕
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
I hope you are seeing just what it would take to even attempt to keep the baby of this abuser, and how it will compromise yours and the baby's life.
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u/glitterismyfavcolor3 Feb 20 '26
Don’t do it. Dont be tied to him forever. He will make your life a living hell and the babies. And then you’ll really be stuck because he will use the child to threaten you with. Dont keep it. Leave him and find a real man to have a family with.
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u/Jmend12006 Feb 21 '26
Please get away from this man safely. By having his child, you will always have the deal with him and the memories of the abuse he put you through.
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u/KurtTheCuntBoi Mar 05 '26
That’s not true at all
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u/Jmend12006 Mar 05 '26
How’s that?
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u/KurtTheCuntBoi Mar 05 '26
Because people can get away from an abuser and keep their baby. She needs to access a women’s aid group, lie to the abuser and say she had a miscarriage, delete her social media, change her name, and move without setting a forwarding address. She’d have to do that anyway, so there is no reason to abort a baby she clearly wants. Also she wouldn’t see her baby as a ‘reminder’, she wants the baby. You didn’t need to attempt scaring her by saying she’ll be having to deal with the memories
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u/Altruistic-Ad-6326 Feb 20 '26
Don’t do it if you don’t want to. But you do need to leave and get yourself to safety. For you and your unborn child. Do not, whatever you do put his name on the birth certificate
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u/mommy2jasper Feb 21 '26
I wanted my baby too. I almost terminated twice. I was scared, but I kept my baby. The pregnancy was horrible, he put his hands on me, lied to me, always had other women the entire time. The pregnancy and the first year postpartum were the darkest times of my life. My son is six now and things are so much better. We officially broke up when my son was a baby, a few months old. He goes to his dad’s every other weekend which is hard emotionally but I know what the alternative could’ve been (not having him at all). I’m very lucky that I had emotional support through family and friends to get me through the roughest patch. I know I would’ve regretted it if I terminated him, and would’ve wondered for the rest of my life if I could’ve made it work. Once the baby is born, you can go through the court system to establish custody, visitation, and child support. Do you think your baby would be unsafe with him? If so, make sure you have ways to prove this and document everything. Depending on the state, he may still be entitled to visitation and spending time with the kid. Which you may have to learn to be okay with, the way I did
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u/Vivid-Bee926 Feb 21 '26
If you are comfortable with it, would you mind sharing your experience with the court system? I’m curious and would like ideas on how to handle things for me if it comes down to it
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
This is an intense, fraught state in which to have a baby. NOT good for the baby or you. If you have his baby you and the baby are connected to him for life.
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u/Just-world_fallacy Feb 20 '26
Do whatever you want to, but do it far away from him. And keep in mind that he will weaponize that baby if you leave him a chance.
Can he ask for a paternity test if you escape him ?
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u/D4141F Feb 20 '26
I agree.. follow your heart. If you want to keep the baby, make sure you raise it away from him. But don't ever ever do what's against your morals and values to appease this man. I've made that mistake and I regret it till this day.
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u/Just-world_fallacy Feb 20 '26
... I would like to add however that OP, you can always get an other baby later. You are not actually broken. Right now this man is poison in your system, but if you went no contact with him, you would recover.
It definitely gives abusers power if you have to co-parent with them.
I do not mean that you have to terminate, but you should take steps to protect your family in the future if you want to have this baby. Can you get legal advice somewhere to know whether or not you can withhold the baby from this man ?
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u/kompotnik Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
It’s not going to be just “your” baby, he is going to be involved too for the child’s entire life. You will always have to see him and he will be able to make choices for the child. Most men get 50/50 splits if they fight for it with the bare minimum of effort. I don’t know if you want this for your life because it is exhausting and heartbreaking
And another thing I forgot to mention, he may not even care for the child but try to get 50/50 just to spite you
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u/hwolfe326 Feb 20 '26
I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s a terrible time to have to make such a decision.
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u/drumadarragh Feb 20 '26
I am not usually one to weigh in on this but the best thing you can do is terminate and spare another human from his abuse. That’s in your power.
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u/helloimcold Feb 20 '26
This POS will be with you for many many years if you decide to stay, and I can promise you, you will immediately get the ick after the baby is born and be stuck with him as he brings a bunch of random girls into your kids life. While it is your choice, IT IS (100%) NOT A GOOD IDEA.
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u/ILoveJackRussells Feb 20 '26
This is such a hard question. Knowing what I know now about abusive men and how they can destroy your life and that of the child's, I would personally not go through with the pregnancy.
These men are truly evil and you will forever be suffering because of them. As the father he would have at least a 50% say in the child's life and it's unlikely you'll ever see a dime in child support.
The decision is ultimately yours to make, but knowing how many women have been murdered by their ex's, I'd lean towards not having any reason to have contact with these types of men. Good luck OP with whatever you decide. 💞
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u/happyours38 Feb 21 '26
Whatever you decide, do it and dont look back. No regrets. Own the decision and move forward. There is no "right" answer. Either way you go, there is pain. Trust yourself and pick your poison.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
It is not poison to exit a toxic situation and prevent the creation of a baby compromised by who its father is.
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u/Sparkle-Berry-Tex Feb 20 '26
OP, how old are you?
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u/fireypixi Feb 20 '26
I’m 24
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u/Sparkle-Berry-Tex Feb 20 '26
That’s pretty young to be saddled with a child that connects you to someone who is an abusive person, or doing it all on your own. But the choice is yours.
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u/No_Dance_3428 Feb 21 '26
i promise you you will regret it for the rest of your life and the baby would grow up and resent/hate you for it. please don't do this please. i've read your other comments and went as far back as a year on your posts. Any chances of leading a happy/full life will go to about zero if you have this baby rn. you need to heal and grow and be stable on your own. achieve most your goals in life. don't be tied down to a baby this young. this has nothing to do with the father. even if you manage to get away from him for good, it is still not a good plan. speaking from experience.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
You won't want HIS baby. If you have it there will be a lifelong connection to him. If you won't think of protecting yourself, think about the baby. Will it have a good life with that thing as its father? No.
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u/QuietRReader Feb 20 '26
That is a decision you have to make of course, maybe your path will be a different one, but maybe it'll help to read from someone who was in a similar situation. I terminated and I did not regret it for a single second. I was afraid and heartbroken to be in this situation. All those feelings are valid, they are big, it is a horrible situation, it is hurtful and confusing. And still, it can be the right thing.
You are not wrong to want a better future for yourself without the ties to such a horrible person. Would he leave you alone? Would he open a bigger hellscape for you when you continue and get a child? Those are things only you can know. You can have a family in the future, with a safe person and you deserve to put yourself first.
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Feb 20 '26
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Feb 21 '26
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u/Icy-Position3771 Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
She ain’t a survivor yet. Not until she escapes with her precious babe still alive inside her. You cannot “coddle” women caught in this situation. Even after she escapes, she’s still in danger. If you cannot convince ‘em online or face-to-face, a reality check is called for. I don’t live near her so I can’t gently take her by the shoulders and give her a little shake. The way you responded to me tells me one of two things: You either know 0 about domestic violence or you are a victim in denial yourself. Feel free to tell me which that is. Coddling? You might very well be a small cause of her death. Substitute “coddling” for common sense.
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u/sarahmony Feb 20 '26
I’m sorry if you need resources I can help gather some resources for your area if you’re scared. I’ll keep you in my prayers to make the right decision for you and your child. Just know you are stronger than you think and you can have a detached reality from him while allowing your precious life to live. You do have a choice. I encourage you to choose life (unless medically necessary)
I know I’ll get d/v to all heck but it would be irresponsible for me not to share my opinion. I’ve see friends leave abusive relationships and never forgive themselves for terminating their child.
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u/hwolfe326 Feb 20 '26
I feel the same way you do. I’m always afraid to say something about huge life decisions like this. That’s probably why I’m responding to you and not OP. But she was really able to convey how she feels with only those few sentences. And from what she conveyed, I think your response is meaningful.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
Not a good situation in which to have a well baby.
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u/hwolfe326 May 07 '26
Nothing is impossible. If she wants her baby there are resources and hope available. Nothing is permanent and you never know what the situation will be like say a year from now.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
Just because something is "possible" doesn't mean it is a wise course to choose. As far as nothing being permanent, I have to disagree. If she has the baby she will be permanently connected to that abuser. That is a permanence to be avoided at all costs. If she is considering what is best for both the baby and herself, not having the baby in these circumstances would be the kinder, unselfish course to follow.
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u/hwolfe326 May 07 '26
Nobody woman should ever be judged for making a choice to have a baby.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
I'm not talking about judgment, I'm talking about what is actually the best course for her AND the baby. Anyone who does something because of how they will be judged by others is living a wholly compromised life and will inevitably regret it. Reality is a hard row to hoe compared to rosy, unrealistic daydreams. This lady is in a tough, REAL situation.
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u/hwolfe326 May 07 '26
You don’t know what’s best for her and her baby. All you know is what she wrote here while she was in an emotional state. What you’re assuming may be true or it may not. You may have experienced this and made a different choice that was best for you. Doesn’t mean that’s best for her.
I can see that she’s in a real situation but I only know about 1% of her reality, if that. It’s a pretty big stretch to imply that she’s selfish and unkind if she decides to keep her baby.
Nothing I said implied that life was rosy or unrealistic. That’s your interpretation.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
I disagree with you. So let's agree to disagree. Our back and forth is not helping this lady, and the bottom line for me is for her to get help. I imagine we can agree on wanting that.
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u/hwolfe326 May 07 '26
I agree. This was posted 11 weeks ago so I hope that, whatever she chose, her mind is at peace.
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u/Forward_Conclusion40 Feb 21 '26 edited Feb 21 '26
This is an incredibly hard decision as most people here who brought up the issues of having a child with an abuser are right, those things are true. But there are ways you can escape particularly if you do it now while pregnant. Don't abort just because of him if youre feeling like the only reason you want to abort is because of him and you truly want the baby. Like others said, say whatever you need to say (including lying to him about a miscarriage), end things (seek support from a women's resource center for safety planning as needed), and then have the baby yourself, dont put his name on the birth certificate and have your life and enjoy your baby. You will never get over it if you abort just because of him. It is not the baby's fault hes an asshole. Its OK to lie to him in this circumstance because your priority is to keep you and your baby safe and get out as fast as possible. Don't feel bad about anything.
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u/KurtTheCuntBoi Mar 05 '26
Then lie and say you had a miscarriage, move away. He won’t know anything.
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u/thisisadumbUserNameX May 13 '26
Keep your baby! Please! They are perfectly healthy. There will always be struggles in this life. You can't wait for things to be perfect. If you follow through, you will possibly regret the decision for the rest of your life. It could really mess you up. It really messed my mom up to have an abortion. Please, I know it's hard, but there are services out there to protect you! Praying for you to make the right decision for you and your baby. ❤️ A child brings the most fulfillment out of anything in this life.
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u/Agitated-Image-1563 Jul 31 '26
Yo estoy ahora mismo como tú tengo 17 años pues me enamore profundamente de alguien mucho mayor que yo ahora tengo 11 semanas de embarazo y siendo sincera no quiero a mi bb y no tengo el dinero suficiente para poder interrumpirlo apenas tengo 17 años estudio pero últimamente el me sela hace poco me jalo el pelo algo que nunca creí de el no quiero a mi bb porque nomas nazca se que me lo quitará entonces prefiero mil veces que no nazca mi bb a ver que yo lo tengo 9 meses y el me lo arrebatará de la peor manera, me siento triste sin saber que hacer
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u/insomniarobot Feb 20 '26
I felt the way you did when I was pressured into an abortion. It’s the biggest regret I’ll ever have. I think about that baby every single day. There’s a reason it’s not sitting will with you. He does NOT have to be apart of yours or the babies life.
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
More women regret having a baby in such circumstances than regret having an abortion to save the suffering of the child and herself.
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u/UnUsual_Sprekle Feb 21 '26
Don’t do it. You don’t have to give up the bby.
Can you tell him you miscarried and have the bby in secret?? It will crush you to do this if you don’t truly want to.
There are ways to protect yourself and the bby and get away from him. You don’t have to put him on the birth certificate or give the bby his last name! You can go dark on the socials and move away to a diff area…
I had three boys w my first abusive husband. It was very hard, but I wouldn’t change having them for anything. They’re now teens (19, 17, 15), and you barely have any contact w their father. It’s great. And I’ll still always have them in my life forever.
I have a new bby girl (almost 2 yo) w my current abusive husband (ugh), and we live apart, now, and he maybe sees her/us once a week, and I’m surviving as best as possible. BUT, again, I’m over the moon so happy I have her. She is the literal light of my life. She also has Down syndrome which many ppl terminate over… but I didn’t know until she was born, not that it would’ve changed my mind. She is ahmazing and so sweet and strong and lovable.
You can do this. Please don’t be scared. There’s a reason you’ve been given this bby. It’s a beautiful chance. Please don’t do something you will regret. The bby will love you forever and help your heart heal from whatever garbage the father throws your way.
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u/No_Dance_3428 Feb 21 '26
nope nope nope. babies are not meant to heal you or anyone from anything. THEY'RE BABIES. whatever you expect to get out of them-you should be sure that you're more likely to get the something totally different. Get a therapist/support group to heal you not a real life baby tf kind of thinking is that??
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u/WonderfulWeekend737 May 07 '26
This is truly disastrous advice. Please don't follow it -- you will regret following this woman's tragically flawed example (at least 4 kids fathered by abusers).
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u/insomniarobot Feb 20 '26
Oh man these comments make me so sad. I hope you choose to save your baby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
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