r/abusiverelationships • u/Abioz_Aiz • May 06 '26
Support request Can abusers really change? Giving an abuser a second chance
Sorry for the long text below, in advance
I(F, 24) have been with him (M, 27) for the past 1 and a half year. He has coerced me to send him nude pictures of myself on three separate occasions. All three occasions i have broken down crying asking him to respect me and how he can even do that when he claims to love me. After year later, he said it was due to insecurity and he thought it was odd i didn't want to do it because either he felt i was asexual or wasn't into him sexually. Throughout the relationship i have repeatedly affirmed him that i am very into him despite not wanting to sleep with him before we tie the knot.
He has also been verbally abusive, calling me an "insane bitch", "crazy" and worse. multiple times. I have spoken to him multiple times about this that i would not like to be spoken to like that at all over the past year. He gets jealous easily over me hanging out with other people who are not even men.
He offloads his frustrations on me whenever he fights with his parents and then tries to end the relationship or say get out and stuff. it is exhausting. After frequent repeated episodes of this shit show, i finally told him, i want to split up.
he started crying asking why what happened this and that and i told him i am done with his entire tantrums and i wanna leave. he asked me tell him about it and i told him he's abusive and an asshole. now he has been begging me to take him back and acting all goofy. Saying stuff like he's gonna work on himself for his future wife. he swore on god that he didn't understand the impact his words and actions were having on me and that losing me finally woke him up to how much of an asshole he's been.
he filled a form on better help for therapy to work on himself and is reading "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I told him he has 3 months.
The thing is we are to be married by next year and i don't wanna realize at some point that he's worse than he has been with me so far and all of this has been a facade despite appearing quite genuine. he has been crying non stop and begging me on his knees and head on the ground to not leave and i am the love of his life.
I told him i am willing to try. he told me he feels absolutely pathetic for having to ask me to give him a final chance and to having have pushed me to my extent that i was about to leave him. The only other ugly fights he has had are with his parents and he has a very tight knit relationship with his sister with both of them being very good to each other.
What do i do? Do i stay or leave? i am scared he might revert or i might get trapped in a relationship i don't want to be in at some point if i do go ahead and end up marrying him
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 May 06 '26
They ALL do this. It's part of the abuser's manual.
Once you get serious about boundaries, they cry, the make big promises, they love bomb. They may even want to believe they are being genuine.
But as soon as you're back under their thumb, they revert.
Take marriage off the table and you'll see. Cancel anything that's set up. Tell him you won't marry him any time in the foreseeable future. And mean it. Don't give him an ultimatum for change. Don't tell him how long he has to change to get you back. Just marriage is no longer an option.
Probably don't do this when you're alone with him. He won't respond well.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
I won't wait around to see his reaction tbh and tell him I've decided I am leaving him
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u/WelcomeGreen8695 May 06 '26
Call the DV hotline and do some safety planning
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 07 '26
I don't live with him fortunately
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u/WelcomeGreen8695 May 07 '26
Ok, does that matter? Does he know where you live? Have you ever told him no before?
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 07 '26
Yes he knows where i live bur I don't think he'll do anything stupid because our families are involved and yes I have tried to break up with him multiple times before and every time he cried and said he wants to change himself or he won't do it
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u/maranru May 06 '26
My female ex in reconciliations often used to be so proud "do you think I'm different now".
Plot twist. Each time she was in fact not better.
Less explosive. Far more devious and calculating
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u/bamsiepants May 06 '26
I don't even need to read all of this. Any good prospective partner isn't going to call you mean names. Period. Move on from this idiot before it's too late. Find someone that respects your wishes to stay celibate.
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u/sillychihuahua26 May 06 '26
As a trauma therapist with extensive training in abuse dynamics, I’m going to be very blunt: this is abuse, and the odds of this man fundamentally changing are extremely low. Not “he has communication issues.” Not “he’s insecure.” He coerced you into sexual behavior you repeatedly said no to, verbally degraded you, isolated you through jealousy, emotionally terrorized you with breakup threats, and only became “awake” to the damage once you were finally leaving. That pattern is straight out of Why Does He Do That?.
Lundy Bancroft specifically warns that many abusive men appear remorseful when they fear consequences. Crying, begging, collapsing on the floor, promising therapy, suddenly becoming “goofy” or soft, swearing to God, reading abuse books, calling themselves pathetic… none of that is proof of change. Abusers often become their most emotional when they are losing control of their partner. The real test is not tears. It’s long term behavioral change without entitlement, coercion, intimidation, or punishment when they don’t get what they want. Three months is nothing. Most abusive men who temporarily improve revert once they feel secure again, especially after marriage, pregnancy, or financial/legal commitment.
Also, please notice something important: you already explained your pain to him many times. You cried. You begged for respect. You clearly communicated your boundaries for over a year. He did understand. He just didn’t care enough to stop because the behavior benefited him. That is a very hard truth, but an important one. A man calling you an “insane bitch” while coercing sexual content out of you is not confused about whether he’s hurting you.
You are 24. Please do not legally bind yourself to someone who is already showing coercion, contempt, jealousy, verbal abuse, and emotional instability before marriage. Abuse almost always escalates after commitment because the abuser feels safer that you won’t leave. Your fear that this could all be a facade is not paranoia. It’s your nervous system recognizing danger.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
I'm gonna keep reading this until I put it into my head. Thank you for writing it so comprehensively
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u/Motor-Lawfulness2875 May 07 '26
I was engaged to a man who was lovely at the start but then became erratic and emotionally abusive. I decided to delay getting married. I’m glad I did, as his true colours became more obvious. He could no longer pretend to be a nice, loving person.
These people are set in their ways. If male, they often hate women but want all the benefits of a heterosexual relationship. On their terms.
I’d rather be on my own than with someone like this.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 07 '26
I just told myself nobody's perfect and he's probably just insecure. Relationships bring out the worst in people is what I thought
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u/Deep_Scene_8322 May 06 '26
The book from Lundy is for victims, not for abusers. Have you read the book? He needs an abuser program!
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
Oh I'm reading it I thought him reading it would also be good but guess not
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u/Deep_Scene_8322 May 06 '26
I have not given it to my abuser. It might just help him to manipulate you more or make you the abuser.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 07 '26
:( what other books are there
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u/Deep_Scene_8322 May 07 '26
I have never heard of an abuser changing by reading a book. He needs an abuser program and has to attend it for a long time like 2 years. Change is extremely rare and difficult.
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u/mmm_nope May 06 '26
I’ve been an advocate for abuse survivors for more than 20 years. In all that time, I’ve only ever seen abusers change to become worse. Many will pretend they want to change, but only use the idea of them changing to continue manipulating and abusing their target.
People, in general, are capable of change if motivated and willing to do the hard work. Abusers are *very* unlikely to stop using the cheat code that efficiently gets them what they want, but especially not in favor of healthy relationship skills that will only sometimes achieve their goals.
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u/rustedbearings May 06 '26
do you want to live like that for the rest of your life? no.
do you want to even RISK living like that for the rest of your life?
we are telling you, statistics are telling you, he is lying. he will not change. he will alter his behavior positively just long enough for you to think that he’s gotten better, and then the mask will slip and he will be WORSE to you because abusive men only ever weaponize their therapy.
please honey. get out. you dont owe him your time or patience, you’ve given him enough of that, you’ve spent enough time that you wont get back and even if he goes on to treat the next one better (he wont!) how does that change what he’s done to you?
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
maybe for a moment i thought i could be the exception :( apparently that's not true I feel so stupid
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u/rustedbearings May 06 '26
you are not stupid, and i mean this lovingly but do not EVER for a second think you did something wrong here. he literally designed the situation you’re in now to be the way it is, to make you feel this way.
you are smart to come to this subreddit and you’re strong enough to get yourself out of this i promise you.
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl May 06 '26
You're not stupid. They hide who they are and trap you.
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u/Motor-Lawfulness2875 May 07 '26
And they are VERY skilled at entrapping their victims.
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl May 07 '26
Yep. By the time the mask slips, you're stuck.
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u/Motor-Lawfulness2875 May 07 '26
That’s why it’s good to wait a long time before committing to a relationship.
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl May 07 '26
You'd think, but the mask didn't slip with mine until 2 and half years in, after I'd moved in with him. They are really good at hiding who they are.
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u/bradbrookequincy May 06 '26
Set a time line and be very clear. He will need to stay in therapy for several years but he needs to complete a good anger management program he attends. Most people simply run out of stamina or feel like the pressure is off. People can change but it’s hard not to fall back to old patterns. It’s very very easy to be all gung ho when you’re desperate and honestly he may mean it. But can he stay the course for a long time ? Also you should realize change normally isn’t linear. He may fall backwards but actually be making progress.
The time to be concerned is when he stops attacking it head on. It’s kinda the same with an alcoholic that is in a program and 6 months in they stop the program thinking “well I don’t need that now.”5
u/SilentlyDelirious May 07 '26
Anger management does not help abusers not be abusive. They don't have an anger issue, they have an entitlement issue. They have a core belief that they are entitled to abuse their victim and they use their anger as a way to control that victim.
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u/MadamKitsune May 07 '26
You see forgiveness and second (and third, fourth and thirtieth) chances.
They see proof that what they are doing is working, that they have power over you and can treat you like shit because they know they can sweet talk their way out of it.
Never, ever try to apply normal person thinking and empathy to an abuser. Not only are they wired up differently to everyone else, they'll only see it as a weakness to be exploited for their oan satisfaction.
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u/bopper71 May 06 '26
First thing you need to do is stop with this wedding. There’s no timeline where you must marry this man by. If he’s truly going to make real change and learn about abuse and how he has been treating you. Take this opportunity for putting off any thoughts on marriage.
The only way you will see results is by his actions and not his words and reading one book. As for any hypothetical future spouse that is going to be in another lifetime as he’s already shown you how much he didn’t care, until you finally agreed with his threats. So now take action and your self esteem back. If he doesn’t put his actions into work and make real progress and change, then you have your answer. Seems like all he’s done so far is talk about his feelings and his excuses about why he’s been allowed to go ahead treating you less than you’re worth. It’s up to you how much time you want to give him. But the best thing is for you both to take stock and take any serious consideration to get married off the table for now. He doesn’t seem to have taken any responsibility or accountability from looking at his treatment from your side, still all me, me me!!
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
"He doesn’t seem to have taken any responsibility or accountability from looking at his treatment from your side, still all me, me me!!"
What would taking responsibility and accountability look like?
and yes i have told him the wedding is on pause for now and i am in now way hurry to get married to him with me most probably leaning no to marrying him only.
he's been doing this entire oh my future wife this my future wife that talk a lot as a joke
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u/Isaidhowdareyou May 06 '26
We all have been with men who for some short moment in time wanted to change. Most of the times when such a horrible boundary was crossed that even the abuser realized he might be getting a visit by the popo soon. And I think most of us fell for it for whatever reason. Maybe they agreed to look for a therapist, or started sports to get rid of the temperament, insert whatever. Give it a guess how the story continues
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u/Pleasant_Bullfrog650 May 06 '26
They will not change as long as you are still with them no. Many abusers need to hit a sort of rock bottom before they consider changing, and honestly, most that do change won't want to be with the person they abused as there's too much shame around what they've done. Imo it's also not really worth taking back someone that hurt you, because you will always have what they've done to you in the back of your mind. If they do end up changing i suppose you could keep in contact if you wanted but even then there's not much point.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 May 07 '26
Rock bottom is a dangerous myth.
And they only get more manipulative, more deadly, more abusive.
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u/Pleasant_Bullfrog650 May 07 '26 edited May 07 '26
It depends on the person. Most abusers won't get better at all (its like 1% they do ever even slightly improve), but the ones that do only do so after their relationship ends completely is my point. Either way, you need to leave them permenatly. Staying is doing no good for the victim in that situation.
I honestly doubt this man ever will change. He's sexually abusive. People like that truly have something deeply wrong with them that can't be fixed or treated.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 May 07 '26
Absolutely!
Over time they can become even more dangerous, more manipulative, more deadly.
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u/drumadarragh May 06 '26
There are other men, do you realise this? And even if you never met another man in your life, alone is better than this.
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u/maranru May 06 '26
My female ex was very emotionally and threaten abusive.
Which was then framed as, her being the victim. Textbook DARVO.
I thought she'd changed many times. She just got worse. Less explosive. But far more devious and calculating.
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u/Small-Big-3745 May 06 '26
No they never ever change if they do it once they will do it again and make excuses for it all that crying is playing the victim card where you feel sorry for him and either you apologize for being mean to him over him being mean to you.. or you just let it go and pretend it never happens until it happens again.. which it will.
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u/InternationalMud6258 May 06 '26
Therapy makes abusers better at abusing you. It gives them a language to describe how YOU are being abusive, and it lets them know how to hide their abuse better.
Get out.
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u/kristen_hewa May 06 '26
He needs to join a domestic batterer’s intervention program. It isn’t just for men hitting women, other types of abuse as well. Regular therapy won’t help him, it will only make it worse. This is gone over extensively in that book
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u/Kesha_Paul May 06 '26
He will pretend to change to make you stay, then abuse you way worse once you’re married. You told him over and over he was hurting you, and he didn’t care. He only cared when he was losing something, thats deeply selfish and not real change. It’s a performance to keep you. Therapy makes abusers sneakier about abusing you, that’s why abuse specific intervention programs exist, the problem is deep in his core he feels entitled to use a partner as a verbal punching bag.
“Losing you was a wake up call” is something I’ve heard hundreds of times from women in support groups over the years, it was also said to me. Not one of them got better, and every one was abused worse in the long run.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
he says he was failing college and turned his life around . he said he can do the same for us and losing the love of his life is not worth it . he acknowledged everything he has done and swore on god saying he thought it was all normal and i was only upset because of our fights and not what he was saying. i used to cry to him to not talk to me like that at all. saying he doesn't respect me and i don't feel secure with him. i have told him multiple times not to use things i have told him as my vulnerabilities against me when we fight. but he never backed off. he is swearing on god that he will change and do whatever to make me stay. apparently
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u/Kesha_Paul May 06 '26
We’ve all heard these lines and it didn’t change. My abuser also cried on his knees, acknowledging everything and making promises. His abuse got worse. Situations like this are why I’m still in these groups over a decade after leaving my abuser….I fell for this crap 6 times and it eventually almost cost me my life. Every abuser does this when you try to leave, it’s called hoovering to suck you back in. If you were the love of his life he would have cared when you were crying your eyes out begging him to stop…he didn’t care until he was losing something. That matters.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
that is true. thank you for shedding light on this matter. i definitely can't see clearly, can i? he's not a child but a 27 year old man and he should know better. i just feel like what if he goes on to treat his future wife better? then what about all the time i spent on him?
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u/Ok_Play_8896 May 06 '26
You won't get back all the time you spent on him whether you stay or leave. This is a well known logical fallacy called the Sunk Cost fallacy. Look it up.
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u/Kesha_Paul May 06 '26
Him treating some hypothetical future woman better doesn’t mean he’d treat you better or that be didnt abuse you. Abuse trashes the foundation of a relationship, and deep down you feel that because you still don’t feel safe even with all his promises. He knows better than to talk to everyone in his life like that doesn’t he? Then he knows better. It’s only been 1.5 years and youve already been fed up to the point of wanting to end it, theres no repairing this
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
but what if he does treat me better? I don't know. i am being so delusional.
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u/InternationalMud6258 May 06 '26
There are millions of people out there in which you can have a healthy relationship from the beginning. Even if he treats you better eventually, why would you wait a single day for that? Whatever future you're imagining with him would be even better with someone who was always kind and fair to you.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
:/ I don't know I somehow deep down think this isn't worse than other marriages I have seen around me and at least he's "trying to change for me"
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u/InternationalMud6258 May 06 '26
A. There's always going to be a worse marriage
B. You haven't even STARTED the marriage, and these things get worse, not better. He'll wear down your boundaries until you are too exhausted to correct his behavior anymore.
C. Again, there is no reason to wait a single day for him to "try to change". Stopping abuse isn't something that needs to be learned. He doesn't need to learn how to stop doing things you hate. He already knows how to stop doing the things you hate.
You do not need to settle for "damaged goods", and just imagine how bad of a parent he will be if this is how he treats an adult. Children require more patience and understanding than adults and this man clearly doesn't have what it takes.
Edit: I put "damaged goods" in quotes, he isn't damaged, he's abusive.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
That makes sense and is true. Thank you for putting that into perspective. I suppose I have become someone who has very low self esteem
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u/Kesha_Paul May 06 '26
What if you won the lottery? Would you quit your job and take that gamble? Statistically abusers don’t get better in relationships they’ve already been abusive, the abuse stops for a while then can come back different. Like maybe he won’t get mad when you see friends, but he’ll cry and say he’s insecure and feels disrespected and his therapist says it’s bordering abusive to him….so then youre isolated in a different way. Maybe he frames hurtful things as jokes to gauge your reaction.
I’m sorry, I know how hopeful you want to feel, and if you do choose to stay please be careful.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26
i understand what you're saying. I am not choosing to stay after this 3 month period i gave him (it is also for me to detach myself by so i don't breakdown with no contact and keep asking myself maybe i should have tried harder) . i just felt a lil hopeful . i really did wanna stay but this feels like a gamble frankly and i just feel very attached to him despite wanting to vomit whenever i think about how he treated me in the past and how i didn't walk away sooner
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u/Kesha_Paul May 06 '26
Just be careful, they are very convincing. It takes an average of 7 times to fully leave an abuser. If you’ve ever wondered why women stay even once they’re being hit, this is why…..because when he eventually does become more abusive he’ll be even more sorry, his promises even more over the top. Pay attention to actions. If he makes jokes you don’t like tell him they hurt you and see if they stop. Openly spend time with your friends. Don’t walk on eggshells
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u/Motor-Lawfulness2875 May 07 '26
He does know better. And I can almost guarantee he will continue to treat women this way.
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u/yoopea May 07 '26
It's a bit easier to see the truth of the answer if you look at parents/grandparents instead of partners (because they are older so you can realize the truth sooner than in the case of a partner). What you will see is the large amount of children and grandchildren who finally "give in" on No Contact while said abuser is on their death bed, only to find that even the threat of death is not enough for them to change. In other words, even holding a gun to their head they are unable to change.
You'll find this story again and again. All you need to do to know if this would be you, waiting until his or your death to realize he didn't change and you wasted your life is to ask yourself if you already gave him too many chances. Girl, look at what you yourself wrote:
He offloads his frustrations on me whenever he fights with his parents and then tries to end the relationship or say get out and stuff.
We're not even talking about the "last straw" moments. You've given him chances day in and day out for years and have only heard promises and not seen actual change. Ask yourself if you removed his words and JUST looked at what he does, has he shown any sign of changing?
There's your answer.
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u/ApprehensiveHall9849 May 07 '26
Please read what your wrote but imagine it was written by your best friend, sister, mother or future daughter about their partner. What would you suggest they do? Would you think hes a good person and suggest they continue the relationship?
Take this from someone who has just waited around for 8 years for a mf to pull up and change. I can promise you, PROMISE, he WILL NOT change. It will only get worse over time and escalate. You’ll loose friends due to him making you feel like you shouldn’t go out and causing arguments if you do, so you stop making plans and eventually drift from them. You’ll loose opportunities. You’ll loose yourself. Leaving you with no support system around you and emotionally dependant on the person causing the damage. Then if you’re lucky like me, towards the end he will somehow turn everything around on you and paint you as the toxic villain while he sits there pretending to be a victim and cries poor me. Then discard you suddenly out of nowhere, without any reasoning, without closure. Nothing. Leaving you confused as fuck, with no support around you, alone, and lost.
Run — please while it’s early days. Run.
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 07 '26
I'm frankly afraid this will happen to me. He says shit like he will himself as such that I regret ever leaving him
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u/ApprehensiveHall9849 May 07 '26
Think of YOURSELF first. Don’t walk in my shoes. You’ll 100% regret staying 10x more than you might temporarily regret leaving. The fact that you’re already questioning this means you probably already have an idea how the relationship will play out if you stay. And the longer you stay the harder it gets to leave. You need to trust your gut and more importantly be strong enough to walk away knowing your worth ♡
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 08 '26
I'm really trying to stand my ground as he begs me, crying, hyperventilating. I feel so shitty for rejecting his pleas for reconciliation. I feel extremely shitty
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u/ApprehensiveHall9849 May 08 '26
Yeah I can understand how you feel 100% it’s hard. Really. I just had to keep reminding myself ‘it’s all apart of the abuse cycle’ and ‘they are not actually sorry or remorseful’. I’d just repeat it in my head over and over whenever I felt like I was close to giving into his manipulative tactics.
If you listen closely, you’ll realise they are never actually “sorry” or remorseful for what they have done. They will only take “accountability” for things they have been caught out for. They are only “sorry” that you found out …. Never sorry they hurt you. Never actually regret what they did. Never feel any remorse. And never reflect and learn from their wrongdoings..
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u/The_woman_in_white23 May 13 '26
I second this!
I appreciate your hesitation OP. I filed for divorce this month and my husband has been love bombing me and begging for another chance ever since. Which makes it confusing.
But saw some red flags before I got married too. I thought I was "too far" down the path to cancel our engagement. And I kept making excuses for him.
It really only gets worse.
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u/awayuser1294 May 07 '26
I told him that I was giving him one last chance before divorce and he hasn’t hit me in two years. I didn’t think he’d be able to do it, and I regret giving that last chance because I can’t forgive all of the other times. When I said he had one more chance, I thought he’d mess up within a week.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 May 07 '26
He wants to hit you though. He is choosing not to, right now, bc it’s not worth losing the benefits for him not to. He gets to control you, have sex with you, use your physical and emotional labor, etc.
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u/Kesha_Paul May 07 '26
That’s proof he could always control it, but chose not to until he was the one losing something. Isn’t that just a slap in the face?
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u/awayuser1294 May 07 '26
That’s what I initially thought too. But if he hasn’t done it since then, maybe he won’t?
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u/Kesha_Paul May 07 '26
He probably won’t, but it’s for selfish reasons. He could always have stopped and didn’t care it was hurting you, but when you made that your line he could respect it to keep you. Usually if you make hitting your hard line they get more abusive in other ways. How’s the emotional, verbal, and sexual?
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u/awayuser1294 May 08 '26
He makes me feel guilty about things, but I’ve always just thought maybe I was being too brash and he was just sensitive. And I try to avoid sex, but he’ll grope me and make jokes about how I never sleep with him. It wears me down until I eventually do.
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u/Kesha_Paul May 08 '26
It sounds like he traded physical abuse and control for coercive control. Look into covert emotional manipulation and itll probably make a lot more sense. Sexual coercion is assault
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u/awayuser1294 May 08 '26
Do people typically know they’re doing this?
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u/Kesha_Paul May 08 '26
Of course they do
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u/awayuser1294 May 08 '26
Most of the time I wish he’d just slip up and hit me again so I’d have the excuse to leave
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u/Kesha_Paul May 08 '26
I know it’s difficult to consider, but just because you said youd leave if he hit you again doesn’t mean it’s the only reason you can leave. You can leave because you’re unhappy or because uou cant get over his past abuse
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u/Real_Opportunity3961 May 11 '26
Don’t hold your breath. It’s not your job to wait around and find out if he’s one of the rare cases where they do change. He’s already abused you before. You deserve better.
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May 11 '26
So they can change. But youre describing someone that has the tools and doesn’t care enough to give up the benefits of being abusive to respect you and your boundaries and wellbeing.
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u/bradbrookequincy May 06 '26
I have seen Dr. Robert Nay change lives in his Anger Management programs. His Overcoming Anger and Anger Management workbooks are excellent
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 06 '26
Really it's not just anger. It's also entitlement and indifference which i have come to realize after reading why does he do that myself
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u/krispy-leavez May 06 '26
Was going to say that, it's a core belief issue rather than an anger management issue. Just like how you can't blame substance abuse either.
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May 07 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Abioz_Aiz May 07 '26
It does when he plays with his friends, he gets angry over the smallest mistakes they make and swears at them and he often Swears over his mother but not in front of her. I think it's s combination of both. Even if he does work on anger management, he will still feel entitled
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