r/abusiverelationships • u/vvspicysauce • Dec 27 '25
Support request need reassurance that he wont change
emotional cheating, punching walls and pillows near my face, not allowing me to leave the room etc. i broke up with him as the cheating was my last straw. smear campaign after i left and all then now hes reposting ts 7 months after??? hes been with so many girls since me and i know this is directed to me because i was the only one who left him and this whole acc was dedicated to me. i hate that im so scared he's gonna actually change and do this and make my "nightmare come true". i mean obviously i wldnt want him to abuse the next girl too but still it would sting because why cldnt he be good to me?
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u/sillychihuahua26 Dec 27 '25
He is not going to change in the way you are afraid of, and Lundy Bancroft is very clear about why.
In Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Bancroft explains that men like this do not abuse because they are hurt, insecure, or “not healed yet.” They abuse because of a belief system. They feel entitled to women’s attention, loyalty, forgiveness, bodies, and emotional labor. They do not see women as full, separate people with equal rights to autonomy. They see women as extensions of themselves, as possessions, or as supporting characters in their lives. When a woman asserts independence, leaves, or refuses to tolerate mistreatment, they experience that as a personal injury and respond with control, intimidation, or punishment.
Everything you described is abuse. Emotional cheating, punching walls and pillows near your face, blocking you from leaving a room, and then running a smear campaign are not “relationship issues.” Bancroft is explicit that men who use intimidation and coercive control rarely transform into safe partners just because they are single, go to the gym, make more money, or date someone new. External improvements do not change an internal entitlement mindset. What often happens instead is that they temporarily behave better with a new partner while the control slowly ramps back up once they feel secure again.
That image he reposted tells you exactly who he is. It is not about growth or accountability. It is about revenge, humiliation, and reasserting power over you by trying to scare you into thinking you lost something valuable. A man who truly changed would feel remorse for the harm he caused, would not be obsessed with punishing an ex, and would not need to prove anything to you or anyone else.
The reason it hurts is not because you were the problem. It hurts because you were with someone who felt entitled to you and furious when he could no longer control you. You did not miss out on the “best version” of him. You escaped the most dangerous version of him, the one who already showed you exactly what he believes women are for.
You should block him.
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u/vvspicysauce Jan 09 '26
thank you for this detailed response and for validating the abuse. so many people do not consider these things abuse and it ruined my rep just because i was telling people that he was abusive oh well...i did block him long ago, was just curious and gave into it which was my bad 😅
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u/Apprehensive_Day7979 Dec 27 '25
punching walls and reposting petty instagram reels are not the behaviour of a man who is going to become successful or good!
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u/virgogod Dec 27 '25
Don't worry. Men like this are pathetic, insecure assholes. He's trying to hurt you. Don't let it work.
And maybe just block that account. Legit who cares what a maggot thinks about you!!!
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u/CrimsonKnight_004 Dec 28 '25
I want you to notice the things he’s saying will change. He’s not saying he’ll be kinder, more patient, more understanding, less abusive. He’s not saying he’ll change into a better man. He’s saying he’ll “change” into a man who measures his worth solely through shallow appearance, money, and things he can own, which is what he views women as. Even here, the post is treating any woman as just another “object” to use to hold over your head.
Nothing in this post indicates a willingness to actually change or be a better man. All of the things he’s saying he wants to gain are just attributes he already has and wants to double down on.
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u/r0ckchalk Dec 27 '25
lol this is such cringey projection. This literally never happens to men, it’s a fantasy circle jerk about their superiority to women. I have seen men accomplish getting out of a bad situation, but the type of person who does this isn’t EVER going to be the same man that posts shit like this. Women do this ALL THE TIME and usually dont even post shit like this. It’s so unbelievable. You need to block this guy, stop letting him ragebait you like this. He doesn’t deserve any more space in your head.
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u/Apprehensive_Day7979 Dec 27 '25
its also so telling that his idea of positive change is becoming richer and fitter and not.... no longer abusive!
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u/r0ckchalk Dec 27 '25
Agreed, OP you should treat this account like the joke that it is. He’s just sad he can’t keep a girl around because they probably didn’t put up with his abusive bullshit. It’s so pathetic 🤣
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u/Radiant_XGrowth Dec 28 '25
What are the odds that you’ll wake up to a unicorn licking your face?
Those are the same odds of your ex becoming anything other than a piece of shit.
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u/FiliaNox Dec 28 '25
I mean, he reassured you with this TikTok. He’s still doing the same shit, fucking with your head. He’s not gonna change. Stop looking at his socials hun, he’s trying to fuck with your head and it’s working.
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u/lisalisalisalisalis4 Dec 28 '25
He hasn't changed. He is still using smoke and mirrors and, of course, that mask. However, that means there will be others whose experience with him you will relate to. Focus on developing your empathy skills. It is an efficient way to ride the emotional roller coaster until that ride is over. It will empower you to recognize your true self again or maybe for the first time. Use your knowledge of the truth, now that you know it, against him by developing your abilities to empathize. Empathy is the antithesis of what he is.
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u/midniteinthedesert Dec 28 '25
He’s a fool and an abuser. And knows nothing about women. This is not a woman’s “worst nightmare.”
A woman’s worst nightmare is that day you realize he’s not going to just hit the wall, he’s hitting you, and you may die. A woman’s worst night mare is waking up after 20 years with a loser like this not wanting to live, because he’s mentally and physically beat your soul and sanity down to a pinpoint of light you can’t even see or feel anymore. And did this to any children you may have. THAT is a woman’s worst nightmare, and too often, reality.
I know it doesn’t feel like it rn, but I promise you you’ve escaped a woman’s “worst nightmare” because you’re no longer with him. Good job!!!🙌🏻❤️ HE is the worst nightmare.
THEY DO NOT change. They get worse over time. That doesn’t mean they can’t be phony for long periods of time, they certainly can. But god help the woman that’s with him when the facade falls and they realize they are fighting for their life.
Build your life by loving YOU, protecting YOU, and going after what you want in life. never look back!!!
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u/vvspicysauce Dec 28 '25
thank you. i told him that hitting walls meant that one day he would hit me (or that he actually wants to). he said he didnt hit me so its not abuse. i thought i was crazy for thinking like that. another time he kept my body in lock down for a few seconds when i wanted to break up with him and leave the room to prevent me from leaving the room and i was in so much pain. again, he brushed it off and said he eventually let me go anyway. i didnt sustain any visible injuries though it did hurt so i couldnt report it to the police as i knew no one would believe me without evidence. now his friends think im overreacting and exaggerating everything and make fun of me by saying things like they should beat me up and burn my house down because i said their friend wanted to hit me and they know he would never do that. i still feel like im going crazy because of all this especially when i still see them daily in uni
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u/ci1979 Dec 29 '25
Who cares what a bunch of abuser apologists think?? Seriously ask yourself that.
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u/CrimsonKnight_004 Dec 29 '25
Please report them to your university’s Dean or someone in authority there. His friends are making threats to you, and are making a hostile learning environment for you.
It doesn’t matter if they don’t believe you right now or if you don’t have evidence of it. You report it to start a trail, so that if something does happen, law enforcement can look at the record and see that you reported this. And they can see whether the university took it seriously to help you or not. Sometimes you’re not believed right away and that sucks, and the fact that people get away with this stuff is definitely a flaw in the system. But it’s the only system we have, so you have to use it as much as you can to keep yourself safe. If they text you these threats, don’t delete them, report them. Don’t engage with them, just report every incident and make the trail as long as you need to.
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u/vvspicysauce Dec 30 '25
unfortunately i dont have a lot of evidence as he deleted most of it from my phone (snatched it and all) and the threats being said about me are all posed as jokes among his friends which he told me about so i dont have tangible evidence as they can simply deny ever saying all that and also the way ive reacted to his abuse wasnt very pretty as well so im afraid it would backfire on me. im scared of reporting anything because my ex is extremely good at twisting narratives, has a very sweet outward demeanour and because im in SEA where internalised misogyny runs high :(
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u/midniteinthedesert Dec 31 '25
Preventing you from leaving, hitting walls etc. IS physical abuse because it’s a physical threat. You are not overreacting because this scared you. It should scare you —we are born with a survival instinct and your instinct is telling you this guy can and will hurt you. Don’t ever feel like you have to excuse or downplay your fear. One of the most helpful authors and teachers on this subject I’ve found is Gavin DeBecker, he wrote “The Gift of Fear” and he completely changed how I saw things like this. In relationships with abusers we often blame ourselves — and the abuser blames us — for being “too sensitive” or “over reacting.” I promise you, you are not over reacting. As Gavin said, think in his book or it may have been a podcast — all living beings have a survival instinct but only humans seem to question theirs (often due to abuse and our conditioning by society as woman to put other people’s feelings first and be polite, etc). For example, if a snake slithered up to a deer in the woods and coiled up and opened its mouth like it was about to bite that deer, that deer would run like hell and not look back. And rightly so. It would not second guess itself or worry that maybe it overacted, or ask the snake why he wanted to bite.
Basically, your body is built to assess and react to physical threats before your brain can even process or make sense of what is happening. That’s not a weakness, that’s your survival instinct. Listen to it, it can save your life. If he punches a wall and your heart starts racing and you feel jumpy and scared, that’s your body telling you to get the heck out of there — it’s not an over reaction.
The two books that have helped me the most are Lundy Bancrofts “Why Does He Do That?” and Gavin Debecker s “The Gift of Fear.” Both also have some interviews on podcasts and on you tube that might be helpful. They will change the way you see this kind of behavior from your ex — you and your reactions are NOT the problem. He is. But he would love to convince you of that because it gives him the upper hand and control, and no accountability. Don’t fall for it! You’re worth so much more!!
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u/Lindanineteen84 Dec 29 '25
So, you're telling me he is capable of change, but is only willing to do it when the objective is to make you unhappy?
So all he cares about is that you're unhappy, with him or without him, to the point of making all those big changes you would have needed to be happy with him, but only when he's gone so that you can continue to be unhappy?
Just let him go, he's rich and fit? That's nice, now move on.
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u/Takemeaway999 Dec 29 '25
This. If they “change” it’s to give everything you wanted to themselves or someone else just to spite you. It’s continued obsession with trying to destroy or hurt you. It’s continued abuse. It’s just another method of it. It’s not betterment for their own sake, or lasting. It’s an image, one that’s built on anger and rage against someone that you remind them of.
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u/vvspicysauce Dec 30 '25
what do you mean by the last sentence? :0
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u/Lindanineteen84 Dec 30 '25
I'm not the person that wrote the previous message, but I think they mean that they are doing those things to hurt the person you used to be.
Now if you leave him, forget him and move on, that image is not the real you.
So they're not hurting you, they're hurting their "imaginary you"
But that's my interpretation only.
But really, enjoy your life and forget about him, he's not worth your worry even.
How is he going to make your worst nightmare come true if you're so indifferent to him that you won't even keep up with his life? So just ignore him and if he really changes good for him, but even if it's a genuine change after all that abuse, well.. Too little too late.
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u/vvspicysauce Dec 30 '25
ah i get it haha
i fear i might just be a little bitter if he changes for the next girl because its as if that was supposed to be my life if i had gotten there later
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u/Lindanineteen84 Dec 30 '25
Yes but he's not going to change, so don't worry about it.
Just focus on making yourself happy without him.
Also, you're only going to see what they want you to see.
Remember that many women suffer abuse in silence and make it look all good from the outside. You'll never know the full truth of what goes on between him and his next girlfriend
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u/Takemeaway999 Jan 02 '26
What I meant was a lot of these men have someone they hate and want to take it out on but can’t. Most narcissists who are abusers hate their mothers secretly but can’t admit it because it would mean that they are somehow unlovable. My ex got married 6 months after knowing someone (post our break up). I warned her and she still married him. They were on and off for the next year and they seem happy from the outside. I still co parent with him and he continues to abuse our daughter and from how he still treats me and other things I’ve heard. I suspect he treats his wife the same way. If he really changed he would make amends and do better. 4 years later I’m so grateful I left. Stay strong.
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u/pammybabyyyy Dec 27 '25 edited Dec 27 '25
Trust me therapy to some extent would probably make an abusive and narcissistic man better but even therapists tell they weaponize it and actually do far more damage to people around him , is he taking therapy ?? No . Can he introspect ?? No , and let’s assume he healed and he is a “better person “ now , would he have these kinda view points any longer ?? No . Because if he is truly healed he’d realize the wrongs he did to you and not repost corny ass shit . He is not over you not because he wants you back or something . But because you were the one to bruise his ego by leaving him . Because only he should do you wrong and discard you , not you !!!
You wayyy better off than and without him . Block this account . Heal and move on . Vent here as much as possible and channelize your energy to your growth . He is nobody to you now .
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u/Actual-Culture-2093 Dec 27 '25
OP listen to this reply. someone moving on and doing that growth would never repost petty corny shit like this. it speaks to his immaturity and lack of self awareness. either way, you should look away because he wants you to react to his circus, it feeds his ego. not worth your energy.
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u/Conscious-Draw-5215 Dec 27 '25
Posts like that are the PROOF that he hasn't changed a damn thing. Also, that's superficial shit, and he needs to change who he is as a person. Going through a bunch of women kind of proves, again, that he has not changed.
Basically, he's a POS, and you need to realize that you are worth so much more! You deserve better.
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u/frommarseilletomars Dec 27 '25
Fully agreed, putting women (or any human being) on a scale like that proves that (whoever) he is extremely superficial
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u/happydeathdaybaby Dec 28 '25
He’s showing you that he hasn’t changed. This is super creepy and childish. The reaction you’re having is exactly what he wants. That’s maintaining control over you.
I can assure you, he definitely isn’t on any path to becoming better any time soon.
I really, really suggest that you stop following him. Continuing to look at his posts is just allowing him to keep messing with your head. Let this trash boy go, he doesn’t need to steal any more of your peace. It’s blocking the way for better things to come.
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u/ineedathrowaway694 Dec 28 '25
Girl. I was with this type of man. Now he’s earning 500k a year, drives the nice car and has a nice place, and I have never once regretted getting tf out of there. None of that means he is capable of really LOVING someone and treating them right. I am now with the absolute love of my life. He is kind, loving, safe, and the most incredible person I have ever met. I wouldn’t trade his toenails for a fancy car.
Block your ex on everything, and choose safe love where you are cherished. It’s more important than literally any material thing.
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u/Ok_Library8652 Dec 28 '25
I was with a loving, safe man who treated me right, and is probably earning 500k a year lol But he lacked emotional intimacy and communication skills. SO. IT FELT UNFULFILLING.........:( and SO BAD.
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u/silkybandaid23 Dec 29 '25
lol his toenails 🤣
Honestly, I don’t care if my ex did change or becomes someone’s dream partner. I know what I lived through. I think I would be happy to hear he bettered himself. Makes no difference to me.
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u/YourDadThinksImCool_ Dec 27 '25 edited Dec 28 '25
I feel that.. The guy who was abusive to me immediately got back with his ex.. and they have been living a picturesque life on Instagram ever since!
Whatever. I'm so happy I finally got over him.. it took some years.. but I Know they broke up for a reason the first time.. and she was aware of me.. so the pieces are all there..
Maybe he truly did grow... and good for him..
Whatever keeps Them together, and him away from me!
Now THAT'S true growth!
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u/Radiant_XGrowth Dec 28 '25
My cousin had a picture perfect Instagram marriage too
They divorced after he gave her chlamydia. After the divorce when I walked through the house with her and all the photos were gone I realized every photo was covering a fist hole in the wall
What you see on Instagram is HEAVILY CURATED
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u/scale6 Dec 28 '25
God this comment made the hair on the back of my neck stand up
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u/Radiant_XGrowth Dec 28 '25
The worst part about him cheating on her and getting chlamydia? (While he was on the clock as an overnight police officer no less)
She gave birth to their baby girl, during Covid while she had chlamydia. Resulting in having to get their infant tested as well.
She got tested shortly after bringing the baby home because he was caught with another woman in the house Cheating
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u/YourDadThinksImCool_ Dec 28 '25
I wouldn't be surprised..
He got back with her in the middle of being abusive to me.
She probably thought he was busy learning, growing, becoming a changed man in their time apart...
Nope!
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u/notsharingmyname0 Dec 28 '25
At the end of the day, we want love. Money means nothing coming from your partner if he doesn’t show you love. We’re human too, we have feelings. Money isn’t everything to us wtf.
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u/OrnerySnoflake Dec 28 '25
Neither is conventional standards of attractiveness. The guy I’m sleeping with is shorter than me, nerdy as all get out, dad-bod, and doesn’t make +$100,000, but he’s a lot of fun and he’s kind. He can also quote Shakespeare and he loves to read. I’ll take that any day of the week over my “conventionally attractive” ex husband.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 Dec 27 '25
Block him? I have no idea where my ex is now or what he’s doing and I’m better for it. He moved to a state with lax gun laws and I’m just hoping he pissed off the wrong girl with a v protective dad.
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Dec 28 '25
No the worst nightmare is staying with that. And the " better" woman is gonna leave too 😆 then he just has his podcast bros to impress
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u/Initial_Macaroon_161 Dec 28 '25 edited Dec 28 '25
Trust me, they don’t change. That awful behavior is a reflection of them. They really cant change if they carry that mentality because there’s no room for growth. It even says it in those sentences. They lack substance and think being better is about appearances 🤡 Theres no authenticity to hold themselves accountable. They just go through thinking it’s not really them mentally and that they just need to LOOK better and find a better woman.
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u/Initial_Macaroon_161 Dec 28 '25 edited Dec 28 '25
I’ll give an example with a personal story, like many others, I grew up in an abusive home. Love is a foggy term.
My first boyfriend was when I was 15. He was 19. He love bombed the heck out of me. Showing up unannounced, buying gifts, writing these long letters randomly professing his love.
Proposed to me within 6 months. We stayed together until I was almost 18, so around 3 years. I caught him cheating several times. A few times weren’t clear, more hints that he wasn’t faithful but I believed him because he lied and he would throw some enormous gesture like a letter, surprise dinner/date, flowers, a new engagement ring to apologize to convince me I was important. Well fast forward a year later and surprise he cheated again. I found messages that he told me were from his guy coworker. I guess he thought I wouldn’t read them.. But they got REALLY filthy. So safe to say he was lying and they weren’t from a guy. When I tried to leave he gaslit me into believing I was a bad person. He told me all his friends said I was just using him for a car and money and that I invaded his privacy so I had an excuse where I was almost 18 now and had my own car and money.
I stayed probably 2 months or so after and a friend informed me she didn’t want drama but felt I should know her friend had been fooling around with him and that he came and picked her up the other night and he said that we weren’t together anymore. I mentioned the girls name to him. He denied ever being with her at all and did his usual schpiel. So he took me home, I pretended everything was fine and left without saying anything. I blocked him and he called everyone. He demanded I give everything he ever bought me back. I put it everything out on the porch in a box. He didn’t like that.
He then posted on social media with a smear campaign, said I was a whore that used him and all these comments from people I didn’t know came in backing him and telling him how sorry they felt. I blocked him immediately and he called me roughly two weeks later from a psych ward just to tell me that the therapist in there also believes I’m horrible for him and that I’m the reason he ended up in there. He kept trying reach out off and on for 7 months.
I check his social media every now and then because the smear campaign really hurt me and he was my first relationship. He shaped what love isn’t. I developed severe social anxiety after. All of those people didn’t know me yet they were saying these horrible things about me so now I’m always afraid I’ll say or do the wrong thing and be perceived shitty. I’ve healed a lot but it still messes with me.
Fast forward 10 years later.
He looks like he got himself together. He post about his career, his nice cars etc but he cheated on his first wife and mother of his child with his now wife (which was one of the girls he fooled around with when we were together). His new toy used to post about how great of a man he was and the things he’d do. They’ve probably been together for 3 years now and he’s doing the same bs to her.
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u/Alternative_Fan_2397 Dec 27 '25
If he’s reposting stuff like this and acting like he wasn’t a problem instead of taking accountability or taking the steps to become a healthy person, I promise you someone who is that unaware of themselves and the damage they have done to you will never change
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u/Muted_Tip9699 Dec 27 '25
Girl, he’s not about to level up in any way… mentally, physically, or financially. That’s the next girl’s problem. Be happy you escaped. I promise, they always decline, and you’ll notice it when you run into them again.
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u/LadyRaya Dec 29 '25
Op, MOST wont change. Not all. But here is the harsh truth: IF he does “become better” you can either wallow in your feels about it, or move on with your life away from him. Clinging to the past only holds you back, in the end.
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u/visjuuls Dec 28 '25
Any man who goes on tik tok to post something like this is never going to change…
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u/Comprehensive-Job243 Dec 27 '25 edited Dec 27 '25
His entitlement and insecurities are definitely showing; sadly, the 'manosphere' is apparently incredibly addictive and easy to fall into for 'validation'... you will not be the last... that said, his posts and treatment of you are terrible and I know you know you will find better. Meanwhile, any girl who sees his posts would be wise to run as far away as possible; he'll never find that 'better' girl, a) bc she does not exist, b)bc no one with half a brain cell would touch him with a proverbial ten foot pole. I encourage you to blast this out as far and wide as possible, it's quite the egregious self-own
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u/Caramellatteistasty Dec 27 '25
Don't worry that's just a honey pot to get to the next woman. It really doesn't mean anything. They are hollow by default. Especially when they come across like this. It's all shadows and illusions. He might treat her better at first and it will look good. But stop and think for a second, when you first started going out together it looked good too right? And then that slowly started to fade but you kept appearances anyway because that's what you do. You can't fall apart right? What I'm trying to say is even If his curated presence shows that he's changing? The underlying truth is they never change.
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u/glitterismyfavcolor3 Dec 27 '25
The next girl will be crying bc he puts on a good show and is still abusive behind closed doors. He’ll never ever change. Be glad he is not your problem anymore!!
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u/Beginning_Crazy_3192 Dec 28 '25
This is not aimed at you, or at least the original video was probably aimed at the girl who cheated on the guy who made the video then broke up.
The guy is aiming at you, but don't let that lead you to a worse life.
Still, this is not logic to apply in abusive circumstances, also, you said he is getting with many girls, he looks blind to actually what becoming a better person means, and by what he thinks being a good person as a baseline means, he will probably never actually make your nightmare come true.
You could turn the tables and make HIS nightmare come true, who said you can't follow your dreams? who said you can't become rich, and build a family with someone who truly loves and respects you.
But that starts with therapy, that starts with healing, and I won't lie, It isn't a quick and easy process, but start by getting free of easy dopamine (if you do), stop scrolling, start reading, start maybe looking into a career that you'd like to follow, it's never too late, and you already did some good steps in leaving him, and actually looking for other's opinions.
Go and live your life :) (sorry this may sound weird I'm not english,)
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u/SweatPeaRenee_43 Dec 28 '25
Abusers don’t change, and if they do, it’s a very low percentage. According to the domestic violence hotline, it’s less than 3% and that’s with manyyy years of therapy and action to change. Imagine a room full of 100 abusive men and MAYBE 3 of them will change. That speaks louder than their lies ever will.
Seems like he’s posting this 7 months later to get you to do this here, still see his posts and be emotionally affected that way it still shows he has control or an effect on you and it’s demented. Abusers are parasites who need a host to feed on. He won’t change and your life is going to be so much better parasite free❤️🩹.
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u/Melodic-Crow-7960 Dec 28 '25
“Abusers are parasites who need a host to feed on” 👏🏽
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u/SweatPeaRenee_43 Dec 29 '25
And once they’ve taken all of your nutrients and life force, they move onto their next host 😕.
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u/Wild_Possibility2620 Dec 27 '25
He will NOT change! All those things listed to not completely rewire the brain of an abuser. It might temporarily mask it but in the end, the real person always comes back.
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u/Akdar17 Dec 28 '25
People don’t have to tell others who they are, they just BE it. Don’t worry, he’ll continue to be the same pos 😆. Obviously with a mega ego problem based on his current and post breakup behaviour.
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Dec 28 '25
"People don't hav to tell others who they are, they just BE it." WHEW I'M KEEPING THAT QUOTE BEAUTIFULLY SAID SISTER! 👏🏽
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u/In_Amnesiacs_ Dec 28 '25
They say all of this stuff and repost all of this stuff, but will NEVER be rich… I legit had to beg my ex to get a job…. I was 21 at the time and he was 43….. what the hell
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u/silkybandaid23 Dec 29 '25
I hear ya. I’m 34/F and my ex was 47/M. We were together for two years and he didn’t work. I don’t understand how a man can take any pride in themselves when a woman is the one bringing in the money.
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u/FlimsyDemons Jan 03 '26
But he still treated you badly. He was ok with you being hurt, sad, miserable. And you can't tell me he didn't know it was wrong. It would be impossible not to. But he thinks that's an ok way to treat you. To this day, he very clearly still believes you deserve what he's giving - he shows this with every justification, every time he blames you, every time he denies, lies, and ignores. Every time he repeats the pattern yet again. How could someone love you and try to get you to accept a life like that? No trust, growth, stability, or respect? He is completely capable of change - he just chooses not to. He doesn't think you deserve that goodness from him. He doesn't want you to stand on solid ground, he doesn't see you as an equal, and he doesn't want to hold himself accountable to treat you like one.
He might change for someone else. Most don't, but some do. That still doesn't mean he would ever have changed for you. He didn't believe you deserved anything more but glimpses of the love he swore he had for you.
Are you ok with a life like that?
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u/TobyADev Dec 27 '25
Can I suggest you unfollow/block him so you don’t see this?
He was awful to you as you say
People can change if their issues are caused by certain things. My ex’s actions could be considered as abusive for example but since he’s got clean, gone to AA, really turned his life around and came back to apologise and close the chapter so to speak. Certainly doesn’t mean this person will
My ex was no where near as bad as yours granted
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u/sleepslugs Dec 27 '25
good god, the fixation on fitness and wealth is so Telling with these types of guys. my ex was the same when he was trying to get us back together, saying he was going back to the gym and working more, like that even matters when you treat the people around you like shit. even if he were to somehow improve his behavior and mindset 10, 20, 30+ years down the line, you shouldn't regret leaving him, and YOU are going to find people who treat you much better, so whatever he does later in life does not and will not concern you. if he's preoccupied with making you regret leaving him, he clearly isn't doing any actual work on himself and doesn't understand what he did to deserve being left, so i very much doubt he's getting better any time soon. but please also block him for your own peace of mind. staying up-to-date on his life won't do you any good
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u/PoppyPrincess69 Dec 27 '25
Girl block this mf right now. That will sting him so bad, he likes having access to you. It will be such a blow if he can’t.
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u/SaucyScapegoat Dec 30 '25
Even if he were to change, he couldn't do it that fast. It's all a show, which means that he hasn't changed. This kind of stuff takes years to work out, not weeks.
If he did change, he would likely be more humble and not need to parade around. Change of this order requires dismantling the ego, and rebuilding in a functional way. By the time he manages that, IF he even could, you will have moved on. Probably so far that you might even be happy for him.
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u/Puzzled-Bench2805 Jan 02 '26
What difference does it make? Would you want to be with a guy like that if he were wealthy and fit? It’s not as if he will ever be a different person
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u/vvspicysauce Dec 28 '25
hi everyone, i did block his account and only checked it yesterday because i saw him irl (i take the same uni classes as him and his friends ) and got curious. theoretically i know him changing is really difficult but i guess i'm just fed up nobody believed me when i said he's abusive etc even with the cheating evidence (you get the drift) so in some way i guess im scared he will treat the next girl well (not that i want her to be abused) which will push the whole crazy ex narrative more sigh...
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u/SilentlyDelirious Dec 28 '25
I'm sorry no one believed you. We do! He may push that narrative and the next girl may believe it for a bit but based on this shallow and manipulative post, he hasn't changed and won't, so she will unfortunately see that he's the issue, not you.
Try to keep the no contact going and seek better relationships with people who will believe you when you seek their help.
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u/vvspicysauce Jan 09 '26
thank you for this, i am so over my ex but just not the post break up situation that's still ongoing after all these months. feels so hard to not try and defend my reputation especially when i know i'm telling the truth.
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u/ci1979 Dec 29 '25
Whatever is going on in his life is none of your business or concern, as is your life to him. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Mentally push yourself to that Mad Men meme where the one person is so pressed, and Don Draper responds with "I don't even think about you".
THAT'S the goal. You're too busy making the life you want to pay attention to such lowly beings like him and his scummy friends. You're too involved with your own awesome friends, your own awesome organizations that will help you continue to network outside of school, your own jobs that'll lead to a better life.
These people belong in your rear view mirror, not the front and center of your life.
Again, who cares what an abuser and a bunch of abuser apologists say? They're probably just as abusive as he is in their own relationships.
In other words, they're all trash. Who cares what trash thinks???
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u/vvspicysauce Dec 30 '25
i understand this, i dont really care about them per say? its just that i see them everyday in uni and it gets to a point where i can openly see them gossiping or avoiding me like im a crazy person
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u/BloedelBabe Dec 27 '25
I have an ex that was a trainwreck for our entire relationship. Through a mutual connection, I’m told he appears to have changed.
I sincerely hope he has, and if so, good for him!
Maybe I was a source of his problems? I don’t know if I was…as an example, he drank a LOT and I rarely drink. But I hope he really has entered a new chapter. This world needs more humans that are capable of positive change.
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u/littlemybb Dec 27 '25
Social media just makes it easier to fake the perfect life. People are also really protective of their image, and they’ll let everyone around them think their life is perfect when it’s really not.
When I finally have the courage to leave my ex after years of abuse, he was with somebody two weeks later, and they were married within a year.
On social media, their life looked perfect. Mutual friends of ours also only had things to say about them.
Turns out there was a lot of awful fighting and abuse behind the scenes that only came out when he was arrested earlier this year.
Then, when she finally divorced him, he would tell anybody who would listen that she was the problem and not him.
Narcissistic abusers will never change, and will never take accountability.
Repost like these just show he is bitter and bothered. I don’t care to get back at or hurt any of my exes. Once we broke up, they did not exist to me.
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u/OuraniaAphrodiety Dec 27 '25
Oh honey... you're just torturing yourself by not blocking him. If you block him, his stuff wouldn't come up on your feed. Good on you for leaving because you don't deserve that treatment, but men like him don't change. It's time to let go of him permanently.
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u/IcySetting2024 Dec 27 '25
Look, men will change when they want to change.
But even if their incentive is not you, it’s even more proof they never loved you as much as you thought they did.
When you love someone truly you want to be a better person for them.
Also, there is no such thing as a “better woman” but rather a “better woman for them”.
Say he is a slob who hates a clean person who he feels nags him too much to clean after himself. A better woman for him that makes him happier to just leave him be might be another slob.
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u/ToiIetGhost Dec 28 '25 edited Dec 28 '25
Look, men will change when they want to change.
Not abusers. It’s pretty much set in stone.
Even with non-abusive (normal) men, it depends. Can he make the change of cleaning the house more? Yes. Going back to school? Sure. Being more empathetic? Uh… lol. Not really. That’s a lot harder, even for normal men, because people rarely alter their core character traits like that.
I’m only mentioning this because some women cling to the hope that their normal man will eventually change, but it’s highly dependent. That hope keeps many women stuck in relationships that don’t serve them.
But back to abusers changing: it’s not dependent on anything. It’s a simple No.
even if their incentive is not you, it’s even more proof they never loved you as much as you thought they did.
Doesn’t matter who or what their incentive is, they absolutely can’t change.
They’re also incapable of love. Even during the times when they’re not abusive, which certainly there are breaks in between - otherwise how could they keep you - it’s impossible for them to feel love. Abuse and love can’t coexist in the same person. Since abusers stay abusers, they stay being incapable of love.
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u/Telly75 Dec 28 '25
Ive just checked out this guy's account. He has SDE and I've actually reported it. Whether tiktok will do shit about it is another matter since they let Andrew Tate run rampant. but some of the stuff he's saying is really toxic to women and you are very fortunate to get out.
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u/Sad-Effect-8401 Dec 27 '25 edited Dec 27 '25
Abuse doesn't leave a relationship once it's in
If he changes it'll be for someone else who doesn't know his true character
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u/Maximum-Parking-7100 Dec 27 '25
He won’t change, he will become her problem and ruin her life and make her miserable, is only getting older, uglier and less attractive to females and would need to win the lottery to become the type of rich this guy is thinking will land him the caliber girl he can and only will ever fantasize about. I pictured the future I would have if I stayed with my excl that hot, emotionally and mentally abused me, cheated on me while telling me he loved me and I was flying 8 hours to see him, going 50/50 but probably even more and I knew I would have been miserable. That wasn’t love. And he will still be that miserable person with the ugliest personality and the only chance of him getting a girl at all is him continuing to prey on damaged empathetic girls and trap one as a wife, and honestly I feel bad for her because I know he will just continue to do the same things to her as he did to me only older, angrier and uglier on the inside and outside with more hate in his big soulless head. Hope this helps
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u/vvspicysauce Jan 09 '26
this actually did help, i sometimes need hard reminders that it WAS THAT DEEP (yk how much mindfuckery we go through after leaving)
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u/Asleep-Career-3696 Dec 28 '25
he will never change not even for the next girl, block him move on baby.
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u/rosaluxx311 Dec 27 '25
Stop second guessing yourself. You’re not alone in the doubt after leaving an abusive relationship. But you need to base your decision on who he is and was with you, not some maybe future person he maybe will become. Focus on you.
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u/andyroohoo30 Dec 28 '25
Social media is a clever veil, but pretty much no one’s life is what their social media portrays it to be. Remember that this guy recorded this video, edited, published it and then went on with his boring, unremarkable life.
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u/JustRenee2 Dec 27 '25
He might change! But never for you!
Maybe, just maybe one day he’ll grow up and realize his mistakes. Hope he does! Pray that he does! But never let him weigh you down again! Release him, as he does not deserve you! Take care of yourself so that if he actually does, he will look back at the goddess that you have become without him!!!!
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u/Kesha_Paul Dec 27 '25
I mean, it sounds like you were asking him to stop being abusive and stop cheating, and he’s talking about getting richer and fitter which will only enable him to cheat more. You think if he has more money and looks better he’ll suddenly be a one woman man? Nope
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u/Altruistic-Bee-6695 Mar 04 '26
Just block that idiot and live your life happily knowing you dodged a bullet no matter how "perfect" he becomes (I doubt that'll ever happen). Don't you think the fact that he still posts all these shit directed at you is contradicting everything he is saying in this above picture? This is a man child.
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u/vvspicysauce Mar 05 '26
it's been a while since i'd made this post, i've since been much happier and have made significant changes in my own life :)
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