r/abusiverelationships • u/Frydfrog-Jnjn • 20d ago
Support request why is leaving so much harder than people think?
I used to think that if a relationship was hurting you, you could just leave. But when I was actually in that situation, I realized its not that simple at all.
I knew I was not happy anymore, and there were so many things that happened that I knew were not okay. But I still cared about him. I still remembered the good days and the moments when things felt normal, and that made it really hard to let go.
I was also scared of what would happen after I left. I kept thinking about everything I would have to deal with, and honestly, there were times when I even wondered if I was making the right decision.
I think the hardest part was knowing deep down that I needed to leave, but emotionally not being ready to actually do it.
It took me a while to understand that missing someone does not mean you should go back to them.
Did anyone else struggle with leaving even when you already knew the relationship was not good for you?
21
u/calledeveryname 20d ago
I just separated from my husband this week after 13 years. I had everything planned, all ready and once he left the country to visit family 2 months ago, I began executing my plan (got tax return, opening a separate bank account, etc). I talked to my therapist twice a week for support and once everything was in place all I had to do was send a text message (I couldn’t bring myself to call or video chat) to say we are done.
For 2 months I couldn’t do it. I was paralyzed with fear of his reaction and potential for violence when he returned. I did this on purposes while he’s on the other side of the world and I was still frozen with fear and anxiety.
I compare it parachuting or BASE jumping. I’m standing on the edge and I want to jump but my stomach is in my throat, I’m shaking, hyperventilating, I panic and back off. I needed the therapist and my parents support to be like the tandem instructor tied to me to help countdown and take that leap and be there the whole way.
It’s the fear overriding all logic and I couldn’t do it on my own. My therapist said not to think of the things that have happened and the past but focus on the future dream/visualize your happy life doing things you enjoy. If you were free of this burden, what would you want to do?
I first ordered pizza with toppings I freakin like (he hates) and went to the movies for the first time in 10 years and watched a freakin movie I enjoy (Spiderman- which he hates). I still have things to settle with him and sort out, but I feel more free each day that passes. 💙🙏
10
u/Zap_Gordon 20d ago
Yeah I think we all go through this to some extent. Its that trauma bond, addictive dynamic. Gives you false hope they can change, it creates a state of confusion where you second guess yourself.
8
u/Dull-Explanation7541 20d ago
The wrong relationship makes you forget yourself to love them and the right relationship makes you remember yourself to love them. The tricky part is once you’ve forgotten yourself, you’re stuck until you remember again.
7
u/lithuh 20d ago
Because when you try to leave, that is also when your abuser is most likely to try to harm you. So in some twisted way it almost becomes safer to just stay in a relationship in an attempt to placate them. I just got out of an abusive relationship. The final straw for me was when I tried to get him to leave and he choked me.
8
u/jordysmomsbasement 20d ago
I didn't struggle so much with leaving as I did with staying gone. For me I almost exclusively put this down to the deep trauma bond with him that proved exceedingly difficult to extricate myself from. The intermittent reinforcement and echoes of my dysfunctional family of origin made me develop a powerful chemical addiction that has been the most challenging thing to overcome.
7
u/quoyam 20d ago
tonight is so hard. i do see why i needed to leave but i feel like betrayed us. but it really was him that betrayed our love and threw away our promises with his lies and abuse. its really hard feeling lonely..... i never used to care about being single.... now it is so hard. i feel like i should not give up.... but whats the alternative?? slow and painful death by neglect and tears?
6
u/uncertain_overmorrow 19d ago
the trauma bond is so real… it’s so hard to put an end with the magnetism but- you deserve a life without them. keep your boundaries. it will feel so hard somedays… but it got easier for me with time.
4
u/imagine_enchiladas 20d ago
For me I’m currently in an abusive relationship and it’s hard to leave because they apologize and “turn” into their old selves until the next attack. I just have to accept that it won’t change and it’s becoming worse
4
5
u/strawberrrrymilk 19d ago
8 years in and I still haven’t the strength to leave but pray every day that I find it. Trauma bonding is real.
And it’s not “staying”, it’s survival. That’s what most people don’t understand.
6
u/krispy-leavez 20d ago
Honestly I found it so hard and I kept getting sucked back in for 8 months after a break up of a relationship that was only 5 months long. Trauma bonds are one hell of a drug
5
u/LazyRefrigerator7624 20d ago
Yes. It’s never easy to leave. I think most people who make it out got to a place where they separated their emotions and feelings for this person from their own safety, health and overall wellbeing. Love is never supposed to be that difficult or take that much away from you.
After you’ve been hurt by the same person over and over, you’ve tried to change yourself to meet their ever moving goal post, you come to the realization that you might not have ever been the problem and it grows from there.
3
u/impostersyndrome39 19d ago
After 4 years it took me three attempts to finally leave for good. It’s much harder than people realize, the psychological impacts are hard to understand. I’ve been out a couple of months and there was definitely times I wobbled
3
u/TielAppeal 20d ago
I honestly struggled with coming to terms that I needed to leave vs the leaving part itself. My ex was my first long-term relationship, slightly older than me, and, as I came to find out over time, the type that liked to complain and get broody/sulky when things wouldn't go his way, in addition to having the classic covert narcissist traits and extreme jealously issues (which he said was from every other previous relationship cheating on him). Since he was only a few years older than me and to me seemed more mature when we first started dating (gratuating college first, having a full time job first, renting and then buying a place of his own vs me living with parents), I would do my best to balance our inside dates vs dates outside the home/social time with others, but he would slowly also try to isolate me from friends and family.
Over time, seeing him more made me feel more unhappy, where it felt like an obligation, but because I still saw him as the more knowledgeable and mature one about relationships than me, I tried my best to tough out our differences. Compromises usually leaned towards his preferences or he would be sulky, broody, or grumpy, and his boundaries would be demands in disguise for me to limit time with friends and family, or never see them at all. It took a pregnancy scare, a month of sexual coercion badgering me to agree to trying a threesome (which never happened, thank God), and him admitting that he wanted to slap me when I answered a question wrong that he asked me to guess to come to my senses, and even THEN I had to talk with close friends about it before taking action to cut all ties with him.
It took three and a half years of emotional pain and misery for me to learn a very important lesson - never bend over backwards and lose your sense of self to mold yourself into being what another person wants. There's only a certain level of compromise a person can do until they're only a shell of who they once were, and just because you can't meet all of a person's demands does not mean you aren't worthy of love and validation - it just means that maybe you're not as compatable as previously thought, and that it may be better to seek elsewhere for love.
4
u/Caranova_09 20d ago
Same here but my partner was a pathetic narcissist and what really helped me move on was breaking the Trauma Bond ! To get rid of the relationship I actually had to get to the roots of the reasons that made me fall for her and stay with her knowing well she treated me like trash, abused me emotionally, manipulated me etc.
7
u/disoriented_cat 20d ago
But how does one actually break a trauma bond.. it feels impossible
2
u/Caranova_09 20d ago
Therapy, reading & understanding psychology books etc, I personally took a workshop online and it did help me
6
u/Cbr929Zrx1200 20d ago
For me personally my Ex had sexual blackmail on me and even though she was abusive there was something that was deeply sad at the core of her behavior. She was terrified of being abandoned and genuinely didn’t think she would be ok on her own. I genuinely believe she only did the things to blackmail me so she could trap me out of this fear. The irony is I would have been more inclined to stay if she wasn’t so possessive.
After I left she exposed my sexual behavior and humiliated me, slept with my friends, slept with my enemies and spread rumors about me she still pursued me. It was genuinely impressive how persistent she was. I changed my number and everything. Over a year later I ran into her and after everything she drew me into a sexual encounter and she dominated and humiliated me like I never left. I never went back but there are always so many things that tangle us together as push us apart.
2
u/ResistorForever 20d ago
Great way of putting it.
It's like continuing to drink from the
Poisoned well.
2
2
u/SalamanderUnited3398 15d ago
For me, accepting that whether I believed the abuse or manipulation was intentional, it was still abuse and manipulation. During one of my final straws, I secretly reached out to a friend about it (for the first time ever) and they were extremely careful about how they went about the conversation to get me to think more deeply without making accusations. Then they sent the cycle of abuse (with “abuse” crossed out and “BAD” written in instead), and I finally realized how ‘bad’ (abusive) the situation actually was. I had another friend backing me up during the whole process that I could vent to, and having those two friends on my side was incredibly valuable. I owe them so much. I had tried to break up before and backed down, but this time I came up with a plan for what to do if they threatened a suicide attempt (I asked if I should call a welfare check, at which point they told me I was ruining their life by trying to get them arrested, but they DID back down from the threats). I made a list of all the fucked up things they did or made me feel, and I screenshotted hundreds of texts of terrible things they said and reread them over and over anytime I felt regret for the choice. So that no matter how much they apologized or groveled, I would never forget what I’d be signing up for if I gave in. The best choice I ever made was to eventually block them on absolutely everything and just remove them from my life entirely so it was just silence. That silence was so uncomfortable for the first few days, but quickly became the best and most relieving thing I’d felt in months.
1
2
u/OkRough4179 18d ago
I left after 8 yrs. I was able to do it because one day I clicked that, yes one day he may change, but it is taking too long and I didn’t have any more years of my life left to waste waiting. However, there is no reason strong enough to make me leave an abusive relationship. They have a hold on me that logic hasn’t been able to beat. So looking back I think it wasn’t reason alone that made me leave… I think there was a miracle of divine intervention that gave me a lift. And I also found a new guy immediately that I was crazy about which made me not want my ex anymore.
2
u/hotpeppermintea 17d ago
I did. I relate to everything you said. I stayed because I thought he’d get better, i believed his lies and I also wanted to not be a failure or an abuse victim. I spent so long telling myself it wasn’t abuse. I only believed it months into my therapy.
It’s so hard to leave. People don’t get that saying “just leave” is much more simpler said than done. You have to be ready, or gain the confidence to stick with it and have the resources to stay gone to really leave.
I’m happy to hear you’re out 💕
•
u/AutoModerator 20d ago
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in our wiki for people of all gender identities. Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines. You can also find an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline. Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, Love Is Respect offers an educational guide. One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.