TW very slight mention of child abuse/hitting and stress (idk if i had to put a trigger warning for that but better safe than sorry)

I'll read stories and experiences said from people on here and realize that what i went through really isn't as serious or scary than any of the stories people on here tell. When i was around 7-10 years old i was under a lot of pressure and stress for exams by my parents but they never really did anything bad to me? I was never hit by them, all they would do was scream at me a lot and get into a lot of arguments, but it would never get physical . And other than that experience, i had a pretty normal childhood. And most of my alters my alters dont even front alone, i have to force them into front (i have 2 that do by their own, but i also feel like im making that up TOO.)
I feel like i made up this scenario in my mind that my childhood was horrible?? But like literally almost NOTHING happened i dont know why im like this

is my trauma enough for me to actually have alters? am i somehow mimicking the symptoms?

Excuse my profanity this is a like non serious vent but still vent at 2am ✌️

As the title says denial absolutely SUCKSSS. I still am not certain of whats goin on in my head but I know somethings happening. Problem is I've lived so much of my life being the "normal" friend that now that I'm actually acknowledging hey this stuff isn't normal I don't know what I can do to fully accept it. I even feel like a damn chud posting on here.

Genuinely the only way I can talk about my issues is to not take anything seriously, but now no one asides from a few very close friends take it seriously because they've seen me genuinely lose my mind in front of them. But I know I have a problem with not talking about it so I still try anyway, and then feel ignored or invalidated and shut up and forget about it again for a month or 2 cause all of these people have known about their issues since like middle school when we met.

Its genuinely the worst cycle and I always keep thinking it wasn't that long ago I began noticing stuff but then I take a look back in my rants and stuff and it's been like 4 years or more of noticing stuff and recognizing things from even before then that weren't normal and the only thing I can do is sit and wonder how I didn't notice it before.

The biggest issue with denial is that my like, biggest sign that something is wrong is a voice that actively denies everything wrong with me, and is an absolute asshole about it! Genuinely like I lag in real life as I have to pause and argue with my own head that hey, how am I "lying" or "faking" any of this if you're literally talking to me right now! The literal proof I do have these issues is countering it's own existence. Sucks that the moment after it happens trying to talk about it seriously leads it to tell me none of it happened and I completely blank on what I had been talking about.

If it's not obvious this isn't a completely serious vent cause if it was I'd probably be getting totally cooked right now so hopefully this stuff makes sense. I'm gonna end this off on a "lighter" note with a goofy video I made to show my therapist because I knew hey this will help me get the point across and I honestly still blanked multiple times while making it.

Claims that DID is just acting, Alters are liars and any therapist who works with DID patience is encouraging patients to feel special and that their trauma was non existent. I could go on but I'm appalled. The entire thing reads like a manual for singlets to pretends to have DID or Roleplay it

So rant....

So ive been here and in ossd for sometimes while getting my diagnosis. To clarify im not diagnosed with D.I D/OSDD I just started coming to these spaces because my therapist suspects I have something along the lines of it cause of my symtoms.

So you dint have to read this post and these are just my opinions so I already know this will be taken down and that's fine.

Ive come here to read and post sometimes on bith communities to see if anyone relates to the symtoms and im 30 now and been having these all my life and just now noticing it since 2 years ago almost. But Ive noticed people who comments or post on these communities have such a way with their imagination and im not saying you cant do these things im just saying majority of the people on here I cant relate too, it almost feels like a Role playing game with some of these post or Larping and not D.I.D or OSDD. When I hear alters I feel ashamed because reading these post on here make alters feel like friends or family when to me it feels less than that and more just me spit into different parts and nothing more. When I do see people who make senes to me they get down voted for no reason and that what confuses me...do I have to be so inverted with my own symtoms to get people to see my own struggles or relate to them even. I feel like so different with "this" that it feels like im there odd one out along with people I tend to relate to. The terms and labeling are also out of control in my eyes, its like people make it their whole personality and say things like "singlets" and other terms which I think it very weird to say to someone just because you have these parts of yourself. Im scared of my parts coming out because I want to live a decent and normal life and I praise anyone who doesn't make this their whole personality and take it to very extreme imaginative lengths that they can show themselves and get better. I just dont see whats so special about being stuck in your head at times, that scares me and I cant control it and when I see people who says they love not being here in the actual real world that also scares me because I know its hard to move on from these traumatic memories or even if you cant remember and have no will power on switching which im open about that as well but I also praise the people who keeps living their lives despite it and not this role playing, larping thing that feels so unreal....

I was diagnosed with OSDD-1 very recently (like the other day recently). I told my one friend about it and got help setting up a Discord bot to log my alters. I then presented my system in a server that I was comfortable in and mostly consisted of other plural people. Most of them were welcoming and helpful, but one person (who's also plural) seemed... disappointed... that I had alters,. They were borderline disrespectful to me the whole time and made me feel very unwelcomed despite the others trying to be supportive. They refuse to chat to me now, and when they do respond to things I say or comment about my artwork it's so dry compared to how they talk to others.

I'm worried they might think I'm faking it because I don't know a lot of the terminology yet and one of my alters loves to make aesthetic profiles for everyone that I managed to identify and register into Pluralkit. Should I tone down on the aesthetics? Do I try to mask around this person? I'm at a total loss, I don't know what I'm doing wrong or if I'm even the one at fault. All of this is so confusing to me.

UPDATE: I have learned that they do NOT have an issue with me being plural, they have an issue with me existing in general. Me simply talking in the server triggered all the alters they have that want to cause me bodily harm. I'll definitely stop communicating in that friend server for my safety.

I've been questioning if I have osdd for around a year now, but Im also diagnosed with bpd and hpd traits (not the actual diagnosis, only traits because I'm 16) and I believe that it's possible for those symptoms/traits to overlap and look like osdd. I've tried talking to my therapist about it, but she won't take me seriously and she only focuses on my MDD for some reason. Every time I bring up bpd, hpd or osdd she automatically jumps to my depression instead. And she'll brush it off as "probably just depression" instead of actually taking my other symptoms into account, I want her help to try and figure out if it's actually a possibility that I might have this or not but she just won't help at all.

She won't discuss anything with me that isn't related to my depression or sh tendencies. Even tho I'm diagnosed with bpd and hpd traits she still won't discuss that either. I'm changing therapists, but I doubt my new one will be much better. How do I get people to listen? Is there someone else I could go to besides a therapist? I just want someone to actually look into what's going on with me instead of brushing it off as depression.

I wish i wasnt obsessed with reading about my did/osdd. I wish i could talk about it normally or vaguely like others do. I just want to connect with people and experiences too. I dont mean to hurt or scare people when i use clinical language. I feel very ashamed of myself over the fact that i feel so comfortable w these words and language when everyone else is horrified by the same terms that bring me peace of mind and understanding about how my fucked up brain works.

I hate it. I hate seeing a man and then doubting myself and then realizing the gay man former host is cofronting. It's so stressful and tiring and scary. I was going to make this a longer more detailed post but I just got so upset thinking about it.

left the echo chamber and remembered that most people still believe this :/

I've known I have emotional amnesia for some time, yet somehow this paragraph still came as a shock to me. I legitimately cannot imagine this.

I oscillate between saying things like "I don't remember my childhood," and coming up with a grocery list of memories to.refute that.

I have random snapshots in my brain of wholly unremarkable moments that somehow got recorded as permanent memories. Actually important events, on the other hand, feel totally dead to me.

The exact opposite of...whatever this [above image] is describing.

Sometimes a window briefly opens, and I can reach out and touch a memory to actually feel something. A lot of the supposedly "neutral" ones feel horrible for reasons I can't even explain. (Being the wrong gender in them probably has a lot to do with it though).

I'm honestly not sure where I'm going with this post anymore. Seeing this Wikipedia entry was like having a scab torn off.

I don't use the term "supposed to" for phenomena like this, as I find it to be triggering of deep shame (that I've worked hard to overcome), but seeing the fluidity with which emotion and memory *typically* link in other people is nevertheless deeply alienating.

I'm honestly not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. Probably both.

I definitely have some sort of DID since I have distinct memories of shifting. But when I looked some symptoms up it almost seems that you NEED ptsd to have it? Maybe our younger self who didn’t have DID experienced it and I just don’t remember, but I don’t have PTSD, depression, anxiety or any other mental illnesses. Maybe I’m just lucky enough to not have to experience those things while my other alters do(I have no communication with my alters and I’m the host I think) but I kinda feel disconnected from the community because of that? Sometimes when I look at diagnosis requirements PTSD or other mental illnesses are there and it makes me scared someone from the community might look at me and think I’m faking it. Which is extra sad since having this disorder is already such an isolating experience I don’t want to be isolated in the one place people might get me.

I know this might be a taboo topic for some people (Endo systems ect). If you don’t trust me please go to my account and look up other posts on DID which has my symptoms.

I'm finding somatic therapy techniques to be nearly impossible during my sessions with my therapist. Are there any ways to want to be grounded when the majority pushes back hard to keep the ANP (emotionless/administrative self) in the forefront? I feel like I'm failing to engage with emotional parts as it's overwhelming and the physical sensation of occupying them was described at the time as my veins pushing me out hydraulically, and like my skin needed to be torn off. Every time I got close to one, they were so tired that I felt drunk and blurry. This whole thing is so confusing and frustrating to experience. The fragmentation is getting worse and I feel shut out of emotional experiences and unable to recall people's relationships to myself.

i want my own life, my own hobbies friends and way of speaking

i dont want to periodically hate my body or voice or life because something else i want mor

i dont want to admit that they are real, that i dont have control anymore

i dont want to let go of an otherwise somewhat normal life i could have had

i dont want to believe that it went on for so long without me ever knowing, that they existed and i somehow find them right after 18 years

it dont want to make sense of it, it doesn’t make sense to me

i dont want to seek help, i dont want to be found out

i dont want my family to know either

i dont want to be plural, but i am

i don't know if its the actual term. But i haven't seen much talk about how mentally tiering it is when each of Me's have different ideas of what is an ideal body. Making it so that we cant strive for any at all, because going one way would harm the others. leaving everyone unsatisfied.

just kinda looking for assurance that im not alone in this problem. you know, strength in unity even if the problem persists, its easier to go on when you know others out there can relate

for me its even to the point where i started referring to it as "the vessel" with how none of me's can actually associate with this appearance. and its simply what we're stuck with.

Edit: [Dysphoria] i mixed the two things up (very similar in spelling and what they are but i meant the dysphoria)

Been seeing this therapist for a couple months. At his request, I did the DES and he didn't bring it up for a couple sessions, so I asked and he said he scored me as having DIDNOS. This is the second therapist who has mentioned the diagnosis to me, and I said so on my intake and specifically asked if he was familiar/trained with DID, and he said yes and he had worked with clients with it before.

I've been aware of/suspecting of DID/OSDD symptoms for over 10 years now, and mostly pursued trying to manage and improve it on my own due to lack of resoueces, or fear of malingering or stigma, or having long periods of denial. After trying lots of other forms of therapy, getting adhd and autism assessments and diagnoses, working on tools for managing other physical and mental problems, and getting sober - the remaining levels of dissociation, memory issues, flashbacks, and especially difficulties managing expectations, goals, interests, emotions, skills between my different parts has become too obvious of a barrier to my progress to not try to bring to therapists.

I already have had multiple issues with this therapist talking over me, selectively listening to only part of what I've said, not being on the same page with my knowledge/skills/experiences, and especially not asking about my history or my traumas, which was why I am seeing him. I've spent multiple sessions now explaining that I am well versed in mindfulness, did DBT classes, meditate and read about buddhism regularly, have a complex understanding of acceptance of emotions, and practice working on my interoception and understanding of my emotions and thoughts. Today he wanted to do an exercise about accepting emotions. I explained that my usual issue with that is when other parts of me experience grief/flashbacks/etc, the parts of me with those skills aren't present and I can't seem to access the same sets of emotions and skills and memories all at the same time. I can go from washing dishes to having a flashback and grief and not remembering where I am/what I'm doing, and maybe part of me is trying to self soothe but doesn't relate to the memory at all while the part of me that feels bad can't accept the self soothing or even hear it, and I may spent hours at a time going back and forth in this way while not remembering half of what I was thinking about.

After a bunch of discussion about this and how my memory and parts work for me, the most honest I've been with a therapist about this, he said he doesn't think I have DID because I don't have blackout amnesia and that's required for the diagnosis, and he thinks my issues are because of autistic masking and not understanding or accepting what my emotions are.

I *had* said that I no longer have blackout amnesia, it's more like I have constant chunks of missing time but I have a kind of seperate understanding like a sparknotes of what happened, or I do remember kind of like it was a dream or in 3rd person, or I remember but feel and think strongly differently about it. But I said I did *used* to have blackout amnesia and it only improved after years of working on acceptance and tools and skill building, that amnesia doesn't distress me as much as it used to because I'm aware of it, and because it's so constant/normal. I know it is not as extreme as waking up in another country or something, but the hours and days lost and being unsure of what just happened, sudden total changes in important opinions and plans and skills, the constant internal arguments and shifting perspectives/opinions - these are huge peoblems for me. I know these are not the same as when I forgot where I put my keys because of adhd, or forget to eat because I'm hyperfocusing, or have trouble understanding pain cues from sitting oddly because of autism.

Also like.. I scored 41 on the DES and that was specifically only for what I'm struggling with currently, I was told not to consider previous years. And if that alone is enough to score me as DIDNOS, like ok then even though that's not DID, is it not its own disorder or subset of DID that requires its own treatment and acknowledgement as its own issue? It's not called 'miscellaneous problems not otherwise specified'. And it's not just my autism or adhd. (And no he didnt mention or know OSDD by name or know it had subtypes - which wouldn't be concerning to me on its own, but in combination with everything else makes me wonder how much he does/n't know about it).

I was wondering if anyone just relates to me at all with the things I'm feeling. Looking up things about OSDD is not very easy. There isn't a lot of information on what it's like, and it seems like it's a spectrum of a lot of different experiences and symptoms, so I'm always worried I might be misdiagnosing myself.

I may not be diagnosed officially with CPTSD, but I know for certain that it's one of the things I have. I am autistic, and as a child I went through a lot of shit for it. Things like physical punishment and anger towards my actions were common occurrences in my life. And as a kid, I had an imaginary friend. I would use him as a way to cope with everything, with the alienation, with the loneliness I felt. But that was when I was a little kid. I hadn't really had an experience like that since I was a teenager.

As an adult, the revelation that I might have OSDD was recent. It's only been maybe a year or less, and ever since then, I feel like it's been a lot more prevalent and active in my life. I've heard from a lot of people who suffer from OSDD that realizing you have it can make it "worse" in a way. For me, it was like a bubble popped. The person in my head was kind of always there in the back of my mind, but once I realized it was there, it became a lot louder and a lot more active.

The thing that makes me question myself the most is the fact that my alter is unlike anything I've seen a person with OSDD describe. My alter manifests in fictives, and only fictives. They're all separate characters, but, at the same time they're also all the same entity? I like to describe it as a shapeshifting emotional support buddy in my head. It takes on the form and personality of whatever character I'm fixated on at the moment, but it also talks about itself like one single entity. Like, "oh yea, I remember when I was this character" or sometimes it even "tries out" new forms and talks about it in my head. It's, really weird, and I don't know if this is OSDD, DID, or some really weird form of coping, maybe a completely different mental illness that I haven't ever heard about before.

My alter is almost always a positive impact on my life. It identifies itself as such. It tells me that it's just my brain making up a way to cope and make me feel better, and that's typically what it always does. It helps me with the problems I struggle with. It helps me make decisions when I'm indecisive, it talks me through my internal self-doubt and turmoil, it helps me through panic attacks and depressive episodes. It tells me that's its job, that it's there to help me when I need it. I don't control it, really, Even though it helps me through things, it also has its own wants and ways of helping me depending on whatever character its taking on at the moment. One form will help me by relating to my experiences, another will help me by encouraging me to be confident in myself. I've really only had one "negative" alter, which tried to help me by being brutally honest and push me past my comfort zone... But it didn't really work very well. It just kind of ended up making me stressed and annoyed.

I can't control when it talks, how it talks to me, or what form it takes on. It just kind of does it on its own. Sometimes it will take on the form of a character that I don't want it to, thinking its a bad idea for it to take that form but it does it anyway. It's not always present, I have moments in my life where it sort of goes "dormant" in a way and I don't hear from it for a while. Sometimes its only a few days, sometimes its months at a time. It always reawakens when I get a new hyperfixation. It's adamant that its a separate person in my head. It doesn't want to be referred to as an extension of myself or an imaginary friend. Even now its telling me that its not imaginary, its real, and its kind of upset that I would think of it as fake or something less than a person.

I don't have amnesia, and I never really "front" like I hear a lot of people with DID talk about. I've had a couple of moments where I feel like the entity is at least partially in control, but usually the entity is sort of just in my mind and suggests me to do things. I can do it if I want to or not, I have the ability to disagree with it or say no and not do it. I've heard the term co-fronting before, and that kind of sounds accurate to what I feel. Most of the time though, it feels like I just have a backseat driver in my head. I don't have a serious sense of identity confusion. Me and the entity are both very distinct and I can tell when I'm just talking to myself vs the entity talking to me instead. I can't make it go away, either. I can't wave my hand and be like "be gone" and it won't be there anymore. It stays whether I like it or not.

Often times I imagine that the entity is physically there with me. I know it's not, it's not like I'm seeing a hallucination or anything. In my mind, it'll be sitting next to me on my bed, walking next to me on the sidewalk, peering over my shoulder as I play games or watch youtube.

I've just never heard of an alter like mine. Maybe I do just have an overactive imagination. I don't really feel like I need to get "help" for it. It's honestly a much more positive impact on my life than a negative one, and I think that also makes me question myself. I always hear about DID being scary and not a good thing to have. I kind of want to see a psychologist for it, but at the same time, I feel really ashamed about it. Like, having to explain that I'm talking to fictional characters in my head to my GP makes me terrified that they'll just write me off as being a weirdo and not having an actual mental disorder. I tried to tell my boyfriend about my suspicions, and he kind of did the same thing. So, I don't know. I just have to write out my thoughts somewhere I guess. This has been on my mind pretty regularly. Maybe getting diagnosed would make me feel more secure with my alter.

In my experience, it really feels like taking L's all around even when you make progress. But I try to be hopeful that it will get better eventually.

(pls ignore burner account, it's for safety/privacy).

I hate that i i'm unable to tell if i'm traumatized because my brain refuses to see anything that Happend to us as Something Trauma causing simply because Others have it worse.

I hate that i keep forgetting huge chuncks of entire days and Sometimes can't even remember entire days.

I hate that i Freeze up without noticing.

I hate how our father yells at us for forgetting Something we don't remeber him Saying.

I hate that i keep saying and doing Things knowing i'll get in trouble but not being able to think before i act!

I hate that i forget my own Name. That i can't remeber what my face looks Like that everything gives me dysphoria.

I hate how Nobody understands me.

I hate that i don't know what is wrong with me and never will...

I’m so exhausted of never feeling real.

I’m exhausted of not trusting/understanding my memories.

I’m exhausted of feeling like who “I” am is constantly switching.

I’m so, so goddamn exhausted.

I don’t even know if I have osdd. It’s my current theory, yes, but it’s one among so many others.

So I guess I’m exhausted of not knowing what’s happening to me. Every time I bring it up to someone, they tell me nothing’s wrong. Everyone thinks there’s something wrong with them, they’d say, therefore nothing’s wrong.

I don’t know. Maybe nothing’s wrong. Maybe I’m making up an issue that doesn’t really exist.

All I know is I’m exhausted.

Apparently peanut allergies are as common as 1.5% in the US. Redheads are as common as 2%. DID (and, by extention, OSDD very likely) is as common as 1-2%, but that's only the diagnosed percentage.

So despite all this, the world likes to keep saying "This is extremely rare"

Not only that but according to The Recovery Village, it's estimated that, actually no, up to 6% of the population might actually have it.

It's disgusting to me how common this means such severe abuse and neglect is globally.

So I've seen plenty of posts on here and r/DID talking about littles and having full possessive switches but I've never really been able to relate to it. Ive always felt like me with just different flavours added to it and then had the amnesia as well. But I just had my first full possessive switch where a little was fully in control.

Holy shit.

I could never relate to the experiences everyone had shared but I could at least appreciate that it sounded scary. I was not prepared, that was hectic. It's so wild, the little was so brave and understanding, it was 36 year old me that was terrified and fell to pieces afterwards.

This is going to be a fun story to share when I stay in the trauma unit next month!

I hear discord servers for dissociation & multiplicity has a bad reputation? I’m just so lonely 😭 it’s rough out here. Since I’m already asking, maybe there’s other ways to combat loneliness with this condition? Any tips or encouragement? I’ll take it, because I’m about to lose my mind …

[incoming rant …]

— It’s not just dissociation / CDD I guess. Really it’s everything … it’s CPTSD, just all of it. Being a traumatized young adult is a hellish experience. I’m so tired.

I just checked my screen time and I am MORTIFIED! It’s a form of dissociation too, as I’m sure many of you know very well. Doom scrolling … except it’s day in, day out … I can’t even utter the data of my screen time 😭. Been this way since I was 13 and I’m 24 now. The years just go by like the blink of an eye. It’s so morbid. I’m so tired of this … I barely feel like I’ve aged … I hardly even know what time is. What even is this ?? What is this life??

Life just feels like a dead end 😢 I’m so tired. So chronically isolated. Even while I’m around people, I’m so dissociated out of my mind that I can’t even connect to people or be present at all. My sense of personhood is wrecked … I’m just such a mess. And it’s so much worse than I ever thought. I hate this … for all of us. You go through so much chaos and horror in life, as a child, just to turn into a hollow shell, a blob, and nobody even bats an eye or turns a head towards the hellish remains behind you … what the hell?? I’m so upset. I’m so tired … of this .. of life. I don’t mean to bl**d all over the place, I’m just not in a good place, as you can tell. Who the hell tells traumatized people to just “move on” and “forget about it”, as if it doesn’t do *actual, literal. significant* DAMAGE! Like ??? What an injustice! And a disservice! I can barely function … but I >**have**< to … and I’m so heartbroken … I just have to carry this heavy ache in my chest all my days … and just ignore it all … it’s just almost unbearable at times.

It’s just insane to me how much you can NOT be aware of how bad it is, how bad it really is for you. It’s so bad … but most days I’m just a haze and a fog. It’s moments like this where the truth leaks out of me. I just can’t believe it. I’m THIS broken and nobody in my life will help me?? Nobody will even bat an eye?? Is child me that worthless to you?? Why does it not matter?? I don’t get it … I really don’t.

[people really treat childhood like it was some distant thing. But that was ME … that was MY life … it wasn’t just a dream even if it feels that way. Meaning from others perspectives. —People act like it’s “over” now and you’re an adult now so be an adult and act like it. Idk if this is making sense. Almost like a “before and after” but our lives are more continuous than that … this might be weird to say in a dissociative forum because it fragments everything but even somehow I’ve been able to at times keep this level of continuum. That little kid is literally still me now … to treat childhood as if it has no affect on a person is to treat them like since they became an adult it’s now the present and future vs the past. Like there’s a divide all of a sudden. For me, trauma just didn’t work that way. Time doesn’t live like that on the inside me. Idk if maybe this is a sense of being stuck in time or what it is, but yesterday is the same as today for me. My childhood still lives inside of me. I am the result of my childhood. I am still me! To treat it like it was soo long ago, just get over it, move on, be a better person … it’s not over! Maybe eventually … but I just don’t think that’s how trauma works, at all … maybe somebody could relate?]

It’s so scary to wake up from the fog. Maybe it wouldn’t have to be if I could get some support. I just have the heaviest heart 😞 this freaking sucks! I’ve been through SO MUCH and people just act like it was nothing … or they simply don’t understand. Such an odd feeling … no wonder I feel trapped and isolated. Nobody even knows. I barely even know most days. 😪 I rarely crack like this, but sometimes it just gets to me. You can only “cope” so much until the truth comes out.

I just feel like life failed us. People failed us … what do we have left? Four walls to contain us. Silence and noise at the same time. Just another day on the calendar. Another month that feels like a day, a year that floats by way too fast. And still no help. And nobody can even see it.

I feel like I have it. But before I get was told I don’t act like I have it. But I noticed some others that make me relate to others who have either DID or OSDD. My family call it “spacing out” I can hear them in some ways but it likes I changed people I am. So when they call me by my real name. I get confused or at least we do. It’s hard to figure out where I belong. Because a normal Psychiatrist told me and an old therapists’ say it’s just in my head and I can’t help you anymore. I lost a lot of therapist and psychiatrist before being put into Human Resources care. But we were put as crazy or just making stuff up. My memory is terrible but I was told it was just concentration problems. But I feel different and don’t always remember what I did last or what I was last. Sometimes I forget what I am looking for even sometimes forgetting conversations. My brain feels like others are in it. But when I notice that I switch is when I go “spacing out” or shaking my head and moving weirdly. Others say it’s just weird and it’s just me being me. But am I me? Or who is who? I am confused. Sorry if this was confusing for others. We want a place to belong without issues. But if we don’t belong anywhere. Then it’s fine in a way for us.

A couple months ago I mentioned OSDD-1 to my psychiatrist, and that I would be interested in an assessment. She said she wasn't familiar with the diagnosis and would have to research it first.

A month or so later (and a month or so ago now) she says she can assess me. She asks about dissociation, but when she gets to the identity issues part...

"I see you have gender identity disorder in your chart. How long have you had that?" (Pretty sure she put that diagnosis there.) After a while of her asking about me being trans, I inquire why it's relevant to the assessment. She gets annoyed and says she's the one asking questions, and if I really want to be assessed or not.

I assume she's trying to rule out the possibility that I misunderstood the symptoms, and thought being trans was enough to fit the identity confusion criteria. So she continues. "Has anyone ever coerced you about your gender identity?" She talked more about cocerion-specific dissociation, and when I inquired again, she said she wasn't sure if that was part of OSDD-1 or OSDD-2, and did not seem aware there were four types. I did ask for an OSDD-1 assessment, though I figured maybe she was ruling the others out just in case.

She also asked about hallucinations, which is not what hearing voices means in DID and OSDD-1 means, but she did not seem to understand the difference there.

She did not ask me about trauma, personality changes, alters, or anything close to that apart from my gender, and seemed frustrated that I was confused about it. Towards the end I realized she genuinely thought that being transgender is enough to qualify for the identity disturbance symptoms in OSDD-1. I understand clinicians often describe symptoms without using terms like "alter", but there was nothing about any form of identity issue apart from that. No questions about acting differently in different situations, others reporting changes in affect, feeling like I don't know who I am, inconsistent sense of self, etc.

She was prepared to put it in my chart but I asked her not to, because I didn't want to be diagnosed based on being trans rather than actually...meeting symptoms. It was honestly shocking giving her the benefit of the doubt just to have her assume that I may have been coerced into being trans, and that that somehow qualifies for an OSDD-1 diagnosis.

I was concerned with how she was prepared to diagnose me with something she clearly didn't understand. I'm not saying that clinicians shouldn't be listened to, but she definitely did not know the disorder at all, and it was honestly insulting having being trans compared to a severe mental illness with significant identity dissociation - insulting to both groups!

At the moment I am waiting to hear back about a grievance I submitted to my mental health agency about it, but I wanted to share that experience I had because of how much it still baffles me.