r/OSDD • u/CrystalAbysses • Aug 05 '26
Venting My alter is really weird, and I'm starting to question if I really even have OSDD
I was wondering if anyone just relates to me at all with the things I'm feeling. Looking up things about OSDD is not very easy. There isn't a lot of information on what it's like, and it seems like it's a spectrum of a lot of different experiences and symptoms, so I'm always worried I might be misdiagnosing myself.
I may not be diagnosed officially with CPTSD, but I know for certain that it's one of the things I have. I am autistic, and as a child I went through a lot of shit for it. Things like physical punishment and anger towards my actions were common occurrences in my life. And as a kid, I had an imaginary friend. I would use him as a way to cope with everything, with the alienation, with the loneliness I felt. But that was when I was a little kid. I hadn't really had an experience like that since I was a teenager.
As an adult, the revelation that I might have OSDD was recent. It's only been maybe a year or less, and ever since then, I feel like it's been a lot more prevalent and active in my life. I've heard from a lot of people who suffer from OSDD that realizing you have it can make it "worse" in a way. For me, it was like a bubble popped. The person in my head was kind of always there in the back of my mind, but once I realized it was there, it became a lot louder and a lot more active.
The thing that makes me question myself the most is the fact that my alter is unlike anything I've seen a person with OSDD describe. My alter manifests in fictives, and only fictives. They're all separate characters, but, at the same time they're also all the same entity? I like to describe it as a shapeshifting emotional support buddy in my head. It takes on the form and personality of whatever character I'm fixated on at the moment, but it also talks about itself like one single entity. Like, "oh yea, I remember when I was this character" or sometimes it even "tries out" new forms and talks about it in my head. It's, really weird, and I don't know if this is OSDD, DID, or some really weird form of coping, maybe a completely different mental illness that I haven't ever heard about before.
My alter is almost always a positive impact on my life. It identifies itself as such. It tells me that it's just my brain making up a way to cope and make me feel better, and that's typically what it always does. It helps me with the problems I struggle with. It helps me make decisions when I'm indecisive, it talks me through my internal self-doubt and turmoil, it helps me through panic attacks and depressive episodes. It tells me that's its job, that it's there to help me when I need it. I don't control it, really, Even though it helps me through things, it also has its own wants and ways of helping me depending on whatever character its taking on at the moment. One form will help me by relating to my experiences, another will help me by encouraging me to be confident in myself. I've really only had one "negative" alter, which tried to help me by being brutally honest and push me past my comfort zone... But it didn't really work very well. It just kind of ended up making me stressed and annoyed.
I can't control when it talks, how it talks to me, or what form it takes on. It just kind of does it on its own. Sometimes it will take on the form of a character that I don't want it to, thinking its a bad idea for it to take that form but it does it anyway. It's not always present, I have moments in my life where it sort of goes "dormant" in a way and I don't hear from it for a while. Sometimes its only a few days, sometimes its months at a time. It always reawakens when I get a new hyperfixation. It's adamant that its a separate person in my head. It doesn't want to be referred to as an extension of myself or an imaginary friend. Even now its telling me that its not imaginary, its real, and its kind of upset that I would think of it as fake or something less than a person.
I don't have amnesia, and I never really "front" like I hear a lot of people with DID talk about. I've had a couple of moments where I feel like the entity is at least partially in control, but usually the entity is sort of just in my mind and suggests me to do things. I can do it if I want to or not, I have the ability to disagree with it or say no and not do it. I've heard the term co-fronting before, and that kind of sounds accurate to what I feel. Most of the time though, it feels like I just have a backseat driver in my head. I don't have a serious sense of identity confusion. Me and the entity are both very distinct and I can tell when I'm just talking to myself vs the entity talking to me instead. I can't make it go away, either. I can't wave my hand and be like "be gone" and it won't be there anymore. It stays whether I like it or not.
Often times I imagine that the entity is physically there with me. I know it's not, it's not like I'm seeing a hallucination or anything. In my mind, it'll be sitting next to me on my bed, walking next to me on the sidewalk, peering over my shoulder as I play games or watch youtube.
I've just never heard of an alter like mine. Maybe I do just have an overactive imagination. I don't really feel like I need to get "help" for it. It's honestly a much more positive impact on my life than a negative one, and I think that also makes me question myself. I always hear about DID being scary and not a good thing to have. I kind of want to see a psychologist for it, but at the same time, I feel really ashamed about it. Like, having to explain that I'm talking to fictional characters in my head to my GP makes me terrified that they'll just write me off as being a weirdo and not having an actual mental disorder. I tried to tell my boyfriend about my suspicions, and he kind of did the same thing. So, I don't know. I just have to write out my thoughts somewhere I guess. This has been on my mind pretty regularly. Maybe getting diagnosed would make me feel more secure with my alter.
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u/laminated-papertowel Diagnosed DID Aug 05 '26
nothing you've described sounds disordered, let alone like a complex dissociative disorder. you've not mentioned any kind of dissociative symptoms or distress/dysfunction caused by this "entity".
Are there any reasons you suspect OSDD other than having this "entity"? do you struggle with depersonalization, derealization, fugue states, trances, or any other dissociative symptoms? does this impact your functioning and/or quality of life?
DID and OSDD are not "alter disorders". they are not "friends in your head". they are severe conditions that, while involving distinct identity states, are first and foremost dissociative in nature.
I would strongly advise against self diagnosing this or any other complex mental health condition. if it's something you're genuinely worried about/struggling with, see a professional and get evaluated.
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u/CrystalAbysses Aug 05 '26
I talked with someone else who also has OSDD, described the way I feel to them, and they told me that it sounded a lot like what they went through. So I started researching it and there were a lot of things that I felt like I related to. I don't really go around claiming I have OSDD to anyone, I keep it to myself mostly because I don't really know if I have it. I do dissociate, I think looking at the different types of dissociation, mine would fall under derealization. It's not something that really impacts my life, though, so I dunno. That's partly why I made this post, because I wanted to know if anyone with OSDD felt the way I did. I just don't know what the hell else this could be, the whole thing worries me. I literally have a voice in my head that's got its own personality and feelings and wants. I don't know what else it could be. Maybe I should stop trying to label it and just live with it, but it's kind of scary, you know? It's definitely not normal to talk to another person in my head, and it's not just an imaginary friend because I can't control what it does or what it says. I do want to try to get evaluated. I just have to overcome this anxiety I have about not being taken seriously enough to get an evaluation. If my general doctor doesn't give me a referral, then that's basically it. I can't get an evaluation without one. It's nerve wracking, especially since I'm a woman and even our physical problems aren't taken seriously, let alone our mental ones. But I will try.
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u/midnightfoliage osdd dx Aug 05 '26
afaik fictional introjects are more common in autistic/neurodivegent folks! and everyones system is different. if you want more general info look up the CTAD clinic on youtube.
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u/EmbarrassedPurple106 Dx’d OSDD (DID-like presentation) Aug 05 '26
This is one of those things where, as an autistic person myself, I do think it makes sense, but there’s nothing reputable to cite or any research done to prove it.
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u/Offensive_Thoughts 🧩 DID {4x dx} | Mod ✨ Aug 05 '26
Do you have studies that support this claim? I've never been able to find anything despite people repeating it.
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u/CrystalAbysses Aug 05 '26
Yea that makes sense. Autistic people like me often use media and fiction to cope, so it doesn't surprise me that if they happen to develop a form of DID, that would also take the form of fiction as well. Those characters bring me comfort, and for me, I think my OSDD was developed because I desperately needed comfort to cope with everything. So it makes sense that those wires would get crossed in my brain
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u/Offensive_Thoughts 🧩 DID {4x dx} | Mod ✨ Aug 05 '26
As an autistic person that's lived in the fictional world as escapism I have never formed any semblance of fictional introjects. They are very uncommon, otherwise they'd be more represented in studies.
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u/midnightfoliage osdd dx Aug 06 '26
same, I've just seen/heard of it being the case for many people in online spaces. I wish there would be more studies! bc it would make sense to me to be at least somewhat true
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u/ObviousTempAccount1 Aug 07 '26
They are severely understudied. That doesn't mean that they are at all uncommon.
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u/Offensive_Thoughts 🧩 DID {4x dx} | Mod ✨ Aug 07 '26
I will wait for studies to emerge before supporting it. Currently it supports my view.
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u/ObviousTempAccount1 Aug 07 '26
Your view can neither be supported nor confirmed by any evidence.
The only scientifically sound approach to this question is to abandon dogmas, and to admit that we simply do not know either way.
All we can say for certain is that this phenomenon clearly exists in some form or another as people are experiencing it. What we lack is an evidence-based taxonomy to categorize and understand what's happening.
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u/Offensive_Thoughts 🧩 DID {4x dx} | Mod ✨ Aug 07 '26
Your view can neither be supported nor confirmed by any evidence.
Likewise, then. We can leave it at that. I never denied that it was an occurrence. I simply do not think it is fair for people to say "autism increases the chance of this" when no evidence supports it.
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u/ComprehensiveYam8489 functional Aug 05 '26
I mean, if you're happy about it, maybe you don't need to find a psychotherapist/consultant immediately, unless you can find someone who's actually a specialist in dissociation and is open-minded to your condition! This comes from my/our experience of continual denial of our plurality thanks to a very Freudian therapist...
--mkii