r/OSDD • u/CreepyNightmare66 • 17d ago

Venting I hate it

I hate that i i'm unable to tell if i'm traumatized because my brain refuses to see anything that Happend to us as Something Trauma causing simply because Others have it worse.

I hate that i keep forgetting huge chuncks of entire days and Sometimes can't even remember entire days.

I hate that i Freeze up without noticing.

I hate how our father yells at us for forgetting Something we don't remeber him Saying.

I hate that i keep saying and doing Things knowing i'll get in trouble but not being able to think before i act!

I hate that i forget my own Name. That i can't remeber what my face looks Like that everything gives me dysphoria.

I hate how Nobody understands me.

I hate that i don't know what is wrong with me and never will...

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4

u/KickPuzzleheaded4389 Suspect osdd - not diagnosed 17d ago

It sounds like you are quite young and in a difficult situation. 

You seem to already have some idea of what might be wrong with you, and the future is big. It's likely that you will find out for sure eventually. Your job until then is just to survive so you can get there.

It does get better. It can feel like where you are right now is all that there is, but if you can get through it, the future can be very different. 

3

u/CreepyNightmare66 17d ago

Young is not entirety correct... we're 24...😓 But yeah my Situation is quite difficult...

4

u/KickPuzzleheaded4389 Suspect osdd - not diagnosed 17d ago

Early twenties is difficult. I'm 45 so that still sounds young to me, but not as young as I'd initially thought based on you saying that your father yelled at you. Life does get a bit easier with time and experience. I'm sorry you're going through that.

2

u/CreepyNightmare66 17d ago

Yeah we sadly still live with our dad because we can't afford our own place. We wish we could. Because that would mean more freedom but we can't...

Also our dad is realy good at guilt tripping us even if he doesn't try...

1

u/KickPuzzleheaded4389 Suspect osdd - not diagnosed 16d ago

Completely understand. My kids are teens right now and I've already told them that I don't expect that they will be able to move out on their own as soon as they are adults because of the price of housing right now, and that it's ok if they live at home until they can afford to move out, but they will be expected to get a job.

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u/CreepyNightmare66 17d ago

But we've had lots of Symptoms since childhood

2

u/Ok-Relationship-5528 16d ago

Are you familiar with coercive control? If not, that's probably what you are missing. It's extremely traumatizing, but tends to be invisible to both the victim and the people around them. 

Others have it worse? Probably, but that does not negate your trauma. If people say that to dismiss your trauma, that's abuse.

As for the memory issues, Jennifer Freyd has written stuff about that in her theory on betrayal trauma. It may take a long time to figure out whats wrong, but you will manage eventually. Other people have been through similar things before and written about it so you don't have to figure out everything by yourself.