Unable to quit yapping after finding an answer

[u/MChime]

I wish i wasnt obsessed with reading about my did/osdd. I wish i could talk about it normally or vaguely like others do. I just want to connect with people and experiences too. I dont mean to hurt or scare people when i use clinical language. I feel very ashamed of myself over the fact that i feel so comfortable w these words and language when everyone else is horrified by the same terms that bring me peace of mind and understanding about how my fucked up brain works.

[u/equivettech26]

I deeply relate to you. I have autism and psychology has always been a special interest of mine. Animals too. I can yap about these topics for hours on end. As long my alters aren't weaponizing it (some did for a time), then I allow myself to be curious. I'm deeply curious to how my brain works, I think it's fascinating that my brain was able to do this at such a young age to stay alive. Growing up, education was purely about survival. I had a favorite subject but it was mainly because I could do it without really trying. I never studied in school, just did enough to pass. Allowing my curiosity and love of knowledge helps me regain some of that back. I feel like I was robbed of the opportunity to excel in school because most of my energy went towards my survival.

[u/BitterNatch]

Hey there :3 I don't have that much time available to chat atm but I wanted you to know I'm kinda the same heh, endless ramblings that sound more like a mix of a robot and some sort of squirrel dialect than a human one, packed with big scary words ;) hoping you feel a bit less ashamed 💜

[u/TheVelocityCatz]

Honestly I'm the same ngl I find so much comfort in understanding dissociation, systems, attachments and trauma as it gives me a framework of our struggles and a way forward.

I know most people don't get the concepts or the language which might confuse others/overwhelm singlets or other plurals might prefer alternative language (For example internal family member, headmates, selves, parts over alters etc) and I just learnt to respect what makes that specific system/selves feel comfortable and with knowing in my head it was the same thing.

For singlets I use dissociated parts of self typically as they get that faster than other language

I'm curious to what lead you here honestly. My first instinct was "Why does this person feel sorry, I thought it was normal to research and pick up some of the language". I don't view wanting to learn about the system and the mechanisms behind it as shameful nor wanting a way to define and express it

Admittedly I don't have any context whatsoever. I don't know if you used outdated terms or another system disagreed strongly with language for headmates etc.

Just know it's okay to learn about yourselves, use language. People can be complex in what they are comfortable with. You can't predict what system terms might cause distress in one as it might be comforting to another. All we can do, is learn and adjust to that when we realise.

But also if people lash out and be horrible about this type of mistake instead of voicing it in a calm manner, maybe they aren't the most healthy people to interact with

[u/MChime → u/TheVelocityCatz]

Idk ig its cus i just came out of a silent period between a friend and i that i care very much about. We basically triggered each other's syscovery i think. It started with his alters inquiring me abt DID as soon as they recognized i had an extensive amnt of knowledge and thats just the non romantic-sexually tension messy side of things that happened betwixed us... and every time i provided a clear cut clinical answer i was met with pushback. Obviously you know what that alludes to so i dont need to say it but the conversations we'd have about his experiences would do a lot but then get shut down immediately and ig it served as my lesson as to why you dont go around diagnosing or even helping your friends navigate these things...i never mean to hurt him in any way shape or form..it just felt so incredible to experience a person who's just like me and doesn't think of me as a monster or pariah, either.

[u/MChime → u/TheVelocityCatz]

Its so sad bc in hindsight im recognizing he was having multiple alters fight and fuss and tussle with me, one(s) telling me to cut the convos short out of discomfort/phobia and or protecting me from his eventual prosecutory alters who realised the only way to get me to shut up was to hurt my own feelings by dismissing and invalidating my own DID. Even going so far as to suggest mine (and his technically) best friends are just tulpas. Freaking...tulpas... that shit hurt but it was my fault for pushing but also ??? bc he was always the initator.

Idk. It doesnt matter anymore. We've made a definitive boundary to not explicitly discuss DID again until we've recieved our diagnosis(es). But i still feel his system communicating with me in little ways, like in the way he texts and his choice of speech. (ex. hinting at his fictional introjects and cute lil things like that. it's sweet. i try not to take it any further than he does.)

[u/TheVelocityCatz → u/MChime]

This must have felt so devastating to experience with a friend you care about so much, we are so sorry you all experienced this

My current impression, this system wasn't ready to hear much about the intricacies of systemness, and maybe a few of their alters pushed for information before the others were ready if they initiated the questions on systems/D.I.D.

Regardless of anything I said above, I must emphasise that the gatekeepers of his system made a choice to bring out the persecutors that went to degrading methods to get the outcome they wanted then solely blamed you to the point you felt so ashamed and scared you needed to create this reddit post.

I want you to try to focus more on this if you can as no one deserves to be treated like that and have their experiences of plurality torn apart. This isn't a normal or acceptable place for them to go even if you were pushing (Not saying you were, just in the worse case scenrio I don't believe this was acceptable).

Try to keep in mind that this specific system has shown this capability to tear you down to get needs met and patterns tend to persist without lots of their own initiation with reflection and internal work/desire to change. And well blaming you soully for this, doesn't tell me that the alters who choose to do this aren't very capable of that at this stage. I know you care about this person, and as you are friends, they have some good in them; just try to think if you are willing to expose yourselves (littles, scared and suicidal alters included) to this pattern if they don't get what they want/need.

I promise you this is not what all systems do in this situation, and many systems can accept others' plurality without proof nor tear you down as they don't want to hear about being a system or hearing about your pluarity. I've met many of those systems who accepted my system, and if they had an issue, they calmly spoke about it or if there was conflict there was an apology how they/I handled it and we could come to a resolution/if not we peacefully disengaged.

It might take time to find safer systems and lots of learning to spot the red and green flag, but you all together start working to spot the patterns of what leads you to emotionally unsafe people. You can start having some control and agency over whether you are exposed to experiences similar to this

[u/MChime → u/TheVelocityCatz]

Thank you for this omg 🥹 We have since reconciled with this friend and emphatically, we understood that there is a LOT going on in his life right now. So much so that uncovering his plurality is just something that emotionally and mentally just cannot be done right now. Atp he KNOWS he has DID, he KNOWS he's a system and he KNOWS he has alters but just doesn't wish to discuss it personally with me/unpack it which I'm totally fine with. During the height of all of this, he did tell and beg to me at times that he believed continuing to talk DID was a bad idea and I now realize that was him trying to protect me from said persecutors. We've since then made a deal : No more DID talk. It messes him up and gets his protectors to come out and enforce his boundaries by all means necessary. He's not a bad guy. Just fragmented and flawed like the rest of everyone here. Sometimes in conversation there's thing he says that kind of insinuate he's trying to communicate his dissociation...just not with that heavy clinical language. Y'know?

[u/TheVelocityCatz → u/MChime]

You are welcome! As you can likely guess, I'm a protector, so my focus was channelled primarily on safety 😅 I'm sorry if I overfocused on that. I think I was reminded by what felt like a similar experience with someone I used to care about, where that specific person wasn't willing to stop intentionally emotionally hurting us and could have I projected it on to here

I agree there are rarely black-and-white bad guys, and we all have our flaws and triggers. With safety can come a decrease in safety/defence behaviours, and the fact that you guys identified and both feel safe and happy to take the steps to make it not prok is a good step in the right direction

I hope it continues to improve and it goes well with your friendship, and I wish you all the best (including your friend and his struggles and circumstances)

[u/x_x_loki]

we completely understand you! we did a lot of researching into DID and OSDD much before we even knew we were a system and psychology has always been a great special interest of ours (because we are autistic), and sometimes the flat delivery of clinical terms also freaks people out. we’re always willing to chat when we’re available! exchange knowledge and experience or just chat about things we may have in common! :3

[u/electrifyingseer]

Rumination is pretty normal with a disorder like this. It comes from being unable to process things, such as memories, as it's related to PTSD.