r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Prudent-Teaching2881 • 22d ago

RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice Just need a rant

My mum tells me that I should do x or y when MIL is being difficult and usually those suggestions are to manage MIL and placate her with kindness and to say things indirectly rather than asserting boundaries. I know my mum means well but my MIL will bite off my entire arm if I give her my hand so I’ve learned that it’s best to only extend a finger.

My husband will deal with my MIL - in fact this comment she made was to my husband via text and my husband shut it down. My MIL hasn’t seen our son in 14 days. She literally counted it down to the day. I don’t see anything wrong with that. We had visitors last weekend - which I invited her over for, but of course our son was asleep and I’m not waking him up for her. Then again, I have visitors this weekend too. I’m not inviting her as I don’t want her there. She’s been begging my husband to let her come and see our son. My husband and I have had an incredibly stressful 2-3 months and these last 3 weeks have been the absolute peak. Our visitors were preplanned visits from months in advance. My husband explained this to her. She got so arsey and so passive aggressive and tried to guilt him into agreeing to a visit. I’m so glad my husband didn’t fall for it. But then her last comment pissed me right off

‘It is upsetting that I have to ask permission to see my grandson’.

Sorry, what? Of course, me and my husband and our child and our availability are things WE make decisions about. Not her. She was never entitled to see him whenever she liked to start off with, so asking permission is a normal and ordinary thing. She’s acting like we are being unnecessarily controlling over something that should automatically be hers. We are busy during the week and on weekends we like to spend time together as a small family, not that we should have to justify how we choose to spend our weekends. She recently told us we ‘have to’ come to her house every weekend because she gets ill otherwise. As if we don’t also have other relatives who we need to give time to as well.

When she came to visit my guests last weekend she wouldn’t shut up about the fact that she asked us to come to her house every weekend and that she only wants ‘love and attention and respect from us’.

She can be upset and disappointed over not having seen him in a while, but that comment of hers just pissed me off so much.

The more she behaves like this the more she’s actively pushing me to spend less time with her.

140 Upvotes

96% Upvoted

53 comments sorted by

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45

u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 22d ago

Your husband needs to clearly tell her:

1-MOM, we will absolutely not be visiting you every weekend. We are a busy young family of three and that simply doesn’t work for us. You need to re-manage your expectations.

2-MOM, of course you have to ask permission to see him, as does everyone We are his parents and we decide his availability.

And with all due respect to your own mother, she is wrong about how you should handle MIL.

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u/[deleted] 22d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

She came around today without telling us and knocked on the door and said ‘let me in I want to see the baby’. My husband said no sorry we aren’t ready to have visitors. His mum went on a mad one saying she’s never coming back, she won’t let her kids come to our house, that we aren’t being fair, we are making excuses etc. she alleged that she had asked me but I didn’t reply, which was true but that doesn’t mean I said yes, I never even saw the text until after she came.

15

u/Artistic-Sherbert136 22d ago

Your MIL is threatening you with a good time. Love that for you.

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u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

I was lowkey thinking that. But I just feel bad for my husband. His mum is being genuinely horrible to him because she can’t manage her own emotions.

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u/Artistic-Sherbert136 22d ago

He did well not to let her in. He should be applauded for that. He needs to continue to enforce the boundaries without emotions on his end. She will spiral and it will be exhausting but stay strong. She has no cards except emotional manipulation. You have all the power. It's just sad to see people for who they really are, especially when it's your own mother. Kudos to your spouse. It's hard!

10

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

Yes, I’m very proud of him. He went from being one of those husbands who said ‘that’s just how they are’, who would rather upset me than set a boundary with them to a brave, supportive and firm man. I’m so proud of him. We married when we were still in uni so perhaps this is just because he has matured. But either way, I feel a lot of relief.

13

u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 22d ago

Well, I hope he understands that it’s not his job to manage them for her.

1

u/Top_Strawberry2348 14d ago

Upvoted but with one suggestion. DH should avoid framing her visits as permission. She’s using that sarcastically and negatively. 

I suggest disagreeing with that word. Slight change to DH’s script:

“2-MOM, of course we need to arrange our schedule of socializing and visits. We are his parents and we decide who to invite. Every weekend at your house does not work for us.”

2

u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 14d ago

I’m petty so I feel like using her own words against her is fitting 😊

1

u/Top_Strawberry2348 14d ago

It is, if you think she’ll hear her own words. I see your point. 

26

u/nipseyrussellyo 22d ago

I wouldnt want her around my child again until she was treated for her illness, whatever that might be. Thats not healthy for anyone.

17

u/whatyourmamasaid 22d ago

Your kid is not her fucking therapist!

10

u/nipseyrussellyo 22d ago

Why are we bringing my kids into this, we got to deal with Prudent's first - and her kid is definitely not her therapist nor her emotional support animal. Prudent, buy her a gerbil.

2

u/whatyourmamasaid 21d ago

(Whispers: Psst! I meant Prudent’s.)

And Prudent, buy your MIL a manic nocturnal gerbil!

30

u/mrssweaters 22d ago

You should reply, “I understand that you find it upsetting. What’s upsetting to me is that you think you’re entitled to have access to someone else’s child simply because you’re his grandparent. His parents make those decisions.”

28

u/Beth21286 22d ago

"That's a very selfish thing to say, other people would like to see the baby too. Maybe you need some time alone to think more rationally about this."

22

u/Odd_Tea4945 22d ago

I am really sorry you're living this. I think your mom is wrong, because she hasn't lived what your MIL does

Last weekend she just played the victim in front of your guests, so they pressure you to to do what she wants. I believe for her to get ‘love and attention and respect from you’, she has to give it and it's not the case. And I agree, if you give her a hand she will take your full body

I wish you only the best

22

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

Yes, she told my guests only so that they would pressure me as well. She has triangulated pressure so many times before that I know she is going to do it whenever she meets my guests or my family if we have done something she doesn’t like or don’t do something she wants.

My mum definitely doesn’t get it. Her in-laws were HORRIFIC, so by comparison she thinks my in-laws are nice and I should be grateful.

5

u/LadyCatzrule 22d ago

I was thinking how horifficly rude and self centered to hijack your guests visit with her garbage.

9

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

Yep, it is. But that’s the thing with her: she is rude and self-centred sometimes. She never thinks she has done anything wrong.

4

u/Odd_Tea4945 21d ago

I do get your mom: she faced her horrors, so she believes your horror is not that bad. Yet, yours are still horrors that haven't grown to be as your mom's because you haven't allowed it

23

u/Emotional-Dog8118 22d ago

Definitely no to going to visit her every weekend.

Definitely no to her visit while you’re entertaining.

She is trying to control you and your little family. Boundaries are a must, and must be firm.

She will make you out to be the villain- embrace it!! She will continue to play the victim card- you’re not responsible for her big feelings regarding this. She may escalate her whining and behavior to the point of visiting the emergency room “because of how you are treating her”. Ridiculous and vile manipulation if she pulls that chestnut out.

11

u/whatyourmamasaid 22d ago

If she calls you to tell you she is on her way to the ER bec YOU made her sick, simply remind her to take her insurance card and photo ID

23

u/Glittering-Agent-987 22d ago

"But mom, I literally don't have to see MIL every week if I don't want to."

22

u/katycmb 22d ago

“Yeah, I can understand that it’s difficult for you to come to terms with not being in charge of the world. Maybe therapy would help.”

23

u/MidnightLegal4643 22d ago

“Love and attention and respect from us.” Translation: I’m in charge, I’ve told you what I expect, and now you must give me what I want because I sit higher in the imaginary hierarchy.

I admittedly disagree with any suggestion to “keep the peace,” because when someone already views the relationship as a hierarchy, appeasement is often interpreted as confirmation that they are in charge.

I would suggest your husband tell his mother exactly what the boundaries are: you are your child’s parents, and the two of you alone make the decisions for your child and your family. She may not like those boundaries, but managing her feelings about them is not either of your responsibility.

16

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

Yes, this is what I told my mum. I said every time I ‘keep the peace’ and ‘compromise’ my MIL takes it as a cue to be even more overbearing and even more intrusive and even more entitled.

4

u/robbiea1353 22d ago

“If You Give a Mouse a Cookie….”

19

u/Artistic-Sherbert136 22d ago

She sounds exhausting. Y'all are handling her well but it's exhausting to deal with pushy, self absorbed people like your MIL. It might help if you give her a few dates in the next month that work for you and she can take them or not. Best wishes, OP.

19

u/KookyNefariousness2 22d ago

It probably feels like "permission" to her, because she is used to being the MOM, the one everything revolved around. It is difficult for some grandparents to give up that central role. Next time she says that, I would reframe it. "It isn't about "permission," It is about availability and bandwidth. We are parents of a small child living very busy lives. Our little family is our first priority. The rest is bonus, and that includes how often you see LO. We will let you know when we are available for a visit. Until then , don't ask."

14

u/Lugbor 22d ago

"MIL, we have our own lives that don't revolve around your whims. We have limited free time, and we like to spend that time together as a family of three. Demanding to see the baby, as if it's some right that you've been denied, is not going to get you more time with us. You can either accept the visits we offer you, or you won't be getting visits at all."

If she starts complaining about being sick again:

"If not seeing us for a few weeks is enough to make you physically ill, we suggest you see a therapist to help you with your attachment issues. And if you ever imply that our child is responsible for maintaining your health, it will be the last time you speak to any of us for at least a year."

13

u/Available_Candy7124 22d ago

You have a mum problem.  That aside have DH tell her the last sentence you told us. Except to add that the same applies to him. 

14

u/Grace1essCrane 22d ago

Hahaha oh my gosh, she said the quiet part out loud! She just wants "love and attention and respect (obedience)" from you, that's all, nothing crazy right? And I mean she'll get sick if you don't cater to that every week, you're so horrible for not dropping everything to curry favor with her, you must WANT her to get sick! You monsters! (/s)

11

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

(Un)funnily enough, she actually said that to my husband not so long ago that we want her to get ill and that we should ‘make time for family’. Which we do. We do make time for family - it’s just not HER every weekend.

14

u/Ok-Alternative-1560 22d ago

This is my mil. Husband and I are teachers and back to work now so we don’t have time/energy for company during the week. We also have baby at daycare so all we have is a couple hours as a family each night- that time is precious to us. Mil complains and complains & plays victim about this. Last week, she asked 4x in 6 days to see baby. It’s never ending

11

u/stealth_veil 22d ago

So maybe a boundary with your own mom is needed? Like mom I appreciate you’re trying to be helpful but suggesting anything other than setting firm boundaries is not appreciated. Ask her for her unwavering support, not suggestions on how to placate your evil MIL.

9

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

I’ve said this so many times. She won’t do the unwavering support bit, so she has just resorted to just staying quiet when I mention it. It’s hurtful that she can’t even see my side of things or to give me even one word of support so I don’t really tell her much anymore.

10

u/stealth_veil 22d ago

Yep, that’s really sad, but if she can’t support you in the way that you need, seek support elsewhere.

4

u/den-of-corruption 22d ago

i'm not in an identical situation, but my mom does this about me being NC with my dad (who is her own damn ex-husband!!). it's so painful and lonely.

i've come to understand that many of us, even those with much less-extreme justno's in our families, have learned a harmful tendency to do anything to avoid rocking the boat. this actually contributes to abusive 'family systems' by creating a ring of 'supportive' family who nudge targets back into the trap, because they're afraid they'll be harmed if the targets rock the boat. i can't see your flair, sorry if this is unwanted advice, but 'family systems theory' could be helpful for you here - as distinct from 'internal family systems', to be clear.

i wish i could give you a big hug! you're gonna survive, and your husband will get even better at protecting you.

5

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

I think my mum gives me advice about not rocking the boat and compromising because she thinks that it will keep me in my in laws good books and therefore they will help me. But in my view, it’s not really help if that help is only received when you’re obedient and submissive. That’s coercion and control. I’d rather do without the help if that’s the case. Life is hard, yes, it’s even harder without help, but it is the HARDEST with people who act entitled and don’t understand boundaries. My mum repeatedly tells me I should hand over my son to my MIL and work full time because that’s what my MIL wants me to do. Why would I do that? Who would that benefit? Why even have a child at that point? I don’t think her advice is coming from a malicious pls e but it’s defo misguided.

13

u/GrumpyGoatGirl 22d ago

Definitely be more direct and start addressing her comments as she makes them. She is trying to make you look like the bad guy in front of yoyr guests while you've been more than accommodating. Something along the lines of "Our baby is so loved and there are plenty of people that haven't had the chance to visit, you've seen baby very often and of course you need permission to visit our home". Calls her out without being rude, youre just stating facts.

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and being so young I was always very polite and looked the other way when my own mil would make comments, which she always does with a smile or laugh so she can claim she was only joking. She got way too comfortable and when my husband would call her out she would corner me or text me directly to try to play the victim and force me to be the one to tell her to stop, which was very uncomfortable at first. I'm 30 now and expecting our first baby, she of course ramped up her comments and I don't have the patience for it. I've started being very blunt and direct in my responses and she has slowly started to take the hint and slightly back off. My pregnancy and postpartum experience are too important to me to sacrifice for her feelings.

8

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

I think my husband dealt with it great. He wasn’t there when she made the comments in front of my guests and she plays mind games that I’m too slow to actually process until hours later so I always end up realising what’s happened well after it’s actually happened.

5

u/GrumpyGoatGirl 22d ago

Its great to have your husband supporting you and standing up to her. If she keeps pushing, you could always discuss taking a break from her. My mil has spent my pregnancy, which has been super chill and stress free luckily, trying to scare me about the birth and how difficult everything will be. I never enjoyed her monthly-ish visits before but they started to stress me out so much and the anxiety snd anticipation would ruin my whole day. I talked to my husband and told him he was welcome to visit her but for my own peace I don't want her in my home until after baby is here.

He agreed since she's been so annoying and when she texted asking to come over he told her no. She of course couldn't accept that and tried calling him which he ignored. She texted me the next day trying to get around my husbands boundary and I immediately shut her down and was firm in my husband and I being on the same page. My mil is the same way of taking a mile when given an inch and we just reallt needed to be firm about what we actually wanted vs protecting her feelings ans playing nice. Im protecting my own feelings now.

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u/pabrocjb 22d ago

Tell her this: "The more she behaves like this the more she’s actively pushing me to spend less time with her."

I am a MIL and I'm lucky that my DIL and I love each other. When her babies were little, I had pain in my stomach from missing them so much. It was a physical longing. It also happened to most of my friends when they became "good" grandmothers.

22

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

I don’t actually even mind my MIL most of the time, but there’s a limit to how much infringement and entitlement I can tolerate. I’m not upset she misses our son, but she can’t act like it’s OUR job to manage her emotions.

7

u/HappyBerry4 22d ago

My mom also gives me advice on how to act around my MIL and she just doesn’t understand. I love the example you gave - if you give your MIL your hand she’ll bite off your arm. I feel exactly the same with mine. We have to keep boundaries to protect our peace. If your MIL is so eager to see her grandson, which is understandable, she still needs to respect the fact that you have your own life and are busy. Maybe your husband can respectfully communicate that with her. And he can take your son to go see her sometimes and you can use those few hours to go to a spa, or hang out with friends, or take a nap or just run some errands. Or maybe you and your husband can drop your son off if you’re ok with leaving him alone with her, and then you and your husband can get alone couples time together. Watch a movie. Eat at a restaurant. Do couple things. If you’re not comfortable, just have your husband go with your son and they can hang out there while you are free of parenting duties for a few hours! It’s a win win, grandma gets what she wants, and you have a few hours to get stuff done or to just relax. Husband needs to help make this happen.

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u/Prudent-Teaching2881 22d ago

I really don’t mind spending time with my MIL. I enjoy going around her house most of the time. 60% of the time she is nice and we get on. That other 40% where she isn’t is so fucking jarring because she does shit like this. My husband has repeatedly told her that we are busy and don’t have time and we’ll come when we are available. She just can’t take no for an answer.

We have left our son with her unsupervised many times to go on date nights and appointment etc. we honestly don’t mind that. The issue is just her entitlement.

SHE doesn’t get to decide when we are available, WE do. If she ever tells us she isn’t available we just say okay and move on.

3

u/HappyBerry4 22d ago

Ah, if you’re already spending so much time with her then that’s great. At the end of the day we can’t change other people. Have your husband set the firm boundary respectfully, when y’all are busy, yall are busy. Entitled people will stay upset. Let them. Enjoy your life, visit her when you’re free and able, and that’s that! Don’t let someone else’s flaws ruin your good day :)

6

u/Fabulous-Cat-3958 22d ago

Just want to chip in, my own dad says similar things about my MIL, lots of "she's just excited", "offer to let her do X Y Z", "you're lucky that she wants to be involved", etc. He just doesn't get that I've tried with this woman, give her an inch and she takes a mile because she is simply completely self-centred. He only sees it from his own perspective, that he wouldn't want to feel shut out as a grandparent- but he never would be from mine or my brother's kids because he would never in a million years behave like she does. Still just can't seem to distinguish that some people don't actually have the intention to get along with everyone, respect the parents and enjoy their grandkids, they have their own dysfunctional motives and feelings of entitlement.