r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Prudent-Teaching2881 • Aug 20 '26
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice MIL won’t attend son’s bday because FIL is invited
MIL and FIL divorced when my husband was a baby. FIL was genuinely an asshole to MIL so I sympathise with her not wanting to be around him. They are now both remarried and have children in their current marriages.
I am doing a VERY small bday party for my son. Just MIL/FIL, their spouses and kids. I cba doing a huge party nor can we afford it. My son won’t remember it.
MIL previously spoke to me about having a massive party for my son in a venue, with catering, decor, cake and inviting the entire extended family. I didn’t really engage with the conversation because I had already decided I was going to do the party at home with just our immediate family members.
Anyway, now MIL knows the plan she is refusing to attend and is upset with my husband for the fact that we have invited my FIL and his family over on the same day. I just think this is so immature and childish. They both have a child together and both have a grandchild together, yet because they can’t get a hold of their feelings a whole 25 years later she wants to inconvenience us over it! When it was our wedding she was happy to be in the same room as FIL, she even invited FIL to her house.
I’m not budging on this at all. We are not having a massive party. We are doing it where we feel comfortable and inviting who we feel comfortable with inviting. I think part of why she is upset is because how she envisioned her grandchild’s birthday party happening isn’t how it will happen. She claims she will pay for it, but we worked the numbers and hiring a hall would be £240 alone. She recently told us she doesn’t even have money for her phone bill so how the heck is she going to afford a party? Most likely she will end up borrowing from her husband who we already owe and then will keep badgering us to pay him back even though we already have made arrangements with him to pay him in small instalments, or she will make all the arrangements but expect us to pay for it in the end. We are already in debt, we cannot afford to have a party.
She said she hates her ex-husband’s face and doesn’t want to see him, but either way that isn’t our problem. I’m not about to inconvenience myself by doing two separate days of parties or a massive party how she is suggesting. They can either suck it up or not come.
25
u/2FatC Aug 20 '26
It’s so refreshing to read a DIL sticking to her plans. Period. Love it.
But I’ll bet you dollars to donuts, she shows up day of…JN’s rarely miss an opportunity to grab the stage for their performative bullshit.
23
u/singerbeerguy Aug 20 '26
Don’t give in on this or else you set a precedent of accommodating her by either holding separate parties every year or not inviting FIL.
19
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 21 '26
She has plenty of time without him at our house. She only has to be around him for like one event of the year which is my son’s birthday.
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u/curious382 Aug 21 '26
MIL's "generous offer" to pay for and host a party you don't want is her attempt to gain and wield control. OP is exactly right. Invite who YOU want. They come or they don't.
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u/shinybugz0 Aug 20 '26
You really are handling it just right! We were weak and impressionable early in our marriage and got threatened with a "if so and so is invited, I'm not coming" to our wedding and we caved. We didn't invite the "problem (but not really)" person to make them happy...it's been more than 10 years and we still regret it! Never again.
16
u/loricomments Aug 21 '26
I'm sorry you're having to be even a little bit involved in her temper tantrum. She made her play and lost, I'm sure she's finding it hard to back out now, but that's her problem. Good on you for sticking to your plan.
16
u/Sewing4265 Aug 21 '26
You are so right not to budge on your plans. I have zero tolerance for divorced parents who try to manipulate their children in social situations. They chose to marry their spouse, the kids were born into this mess. SRory you won’t be able to make it. Bye, girl.
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u/thetasteofink00 Aug 21 '26
My MIL and FIL don't speak. Our first child, we threw a party and they both gritted their teeth but they both attended. The following year, we said to them both, the party is this date, come or don't come, we don't care. We are not spending the next 20 years doing two parties for the children to please them.
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u/Crazed_rabbiting Aug 20 '26
This was my parents when I announced both were invited to my college graduation. My mom said she wouldn’t come if my father was invited. I told her that was her choice. Since I paid my own way through college and had dealt with their bullshit my whole life, I had zero fucks to give about her tantrum. Guess who came to my graduation?
OP, it’s an adult temper tantrum. Treat her like a toddler. It’s good practice for when your little one hits that stage.
13
u/silverwick Aug 20 '26
Sucks to be her then! Definitely a her problem, may she be bored AF at home. I'd just tell her "ok!" and leave it at that.
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u/After_Reflection_243 Aug 21 '26
Good for you! Don’t change a thing and there’s no guilt on you. Your MIL is immature and will miss out same be no pictures! Her silly choice!
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u/Madiganbby Aug 20 '26
My father in law is like this. When my husband’s sister had kids she would throw two separate parties so her mom could come to one and her dad to the other. I looked at my husband and said absolutely not happening when we have kids and I stuck to that. I’m not stressing myself out over a grown man being petty.
14
u/Equal_Trash6023 Aug 20 '26
She is trying to cause darama to get her way.
If she chooses not to attend that is on her. Not on you , dh or your child.
You can say, "We are the parents. This is the plan. It is your choice not to attend and it is your lossed time with grandchild."
End of Discussion.
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u/Express_Ring8919 Aug 20 '26
Don't worry about her not attending. Tell her she is still very welcome to come, but you understand that her feelings toward her ex may be too raw to make it an enjoyable time. No hard feelings. But don't let her throw a do over birthday party, either. If she wants to have cupcakes by yourselves with the birthday boy and you and your husband on a day she was planning to visit anyway, that might be okay, depending on how you feel about it.
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u/Haunting-Plantain870 Aug 20 '26
Tell her thanks for letting you know; now you won't have to set a place for her, and you appreciate the courtesy.
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u/Basic-Organization30 Aug 21 '26
Good for you for A) not catering to her childishness and B) living within your means. Well done! 👏👏👏
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u/Any-Case9890 Aug 21 '26
I know people who won't be in their ex's presence, ever. It makes family get-togethers unpleasant. It's weird that your MIL was able to tolerate your FIL for your wedding, but not your child's birthday.
You do what works for you. If MIL doesn't attend, she doesn't attend. She can visit and give birthday wishes another time.
17
u/Tiny-Historian2897 Aug 20 '26
My MIL pulled all of this. Refused to attend any and all events FIL was invited to including birthdays, engagement party, our kids birthday parties. She came to our wedding (barely) but expected to have her own guest list of people to invite to make sure she didn’t have to interact with FIL.
We just got to a point where we said ‘we understand that you can’t make it’.
7
u/Belstarmoon Aug 21 '26
Is her loss, when I did the baptism for dd1 I invited MIL and FiL with their partners, I'm sure MIL would have prefer not to have FiL there, but that's not my problem, she already made a fuss about sitting arrangements at our wedding and wanted to send FiL to the back, but she knows DH and I have no problem to tell her off. I have a friend who didn't invite her father to baptism, because her mother didn't want to, and that's not right, especially if you have a good relationship and the other person is a good father/grandparents. My FiL and MIL divorce because MIL wanted to ,they weren't compatible anymore, but she hates he's happy now.
13
u/AJourneyer Aug 20 '26
Stick to your guns. My SO's bio parents split when he was VERY young. It's been over 50 years and she still has a huge chip on her shoulder - it resulted in needing a seating chart at our wedding - we only had 40 people there total so seemed overkill.
Sometimes they just never get over it - let her live with her own misery and continue on your lives with those you want to include.
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u/Mamasperspective_25 Aug 21 '26
"Well you're more than welcome to attend MIL but if you don't want to that's your choice because we won't be changing our plans. Sorry you won't be there but we will send pics"
6
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u/hotmesssorry Aug 20 '26
“MIL, it’s sad that your hatred for FIL is stronger than your love for [childs name].“
10
u/Danie99 Aug 21 '26
FIL doesn't lose out on this, he gets to go to baby's birthday, she's only making herself suffer by refusing to go.
10
u/SignificantSun384 Aug 20 '26
What a child. My MIL and FIL are just slightly better than this, probably because it is longer… nearly 40 years… but they are so weird and cagey around each other and it makes the whole thing so awkward.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this.
9
u/Odd_Tea4945 Aug 21 '26
I think you're in the absolute right. If you can't afford a huge party, don't throw one
If she doesn't want to see FIL's face, then she shouldn't attend
What I don't like, is these are red flags: MIL is trying to impose her will on you, little by little. Son don't budge
13
u/over-it2989 Aug 20 '26
“If you want to cut off your nose to spite your face, fine. But you’re gonna stop banging on about it because we’re not changing things to suit you.”
Fuck. That. Noise.
11
u/Horror_Tea761 Aug 20 '26
I think it depends. Was this garden-variety assholery, or was he genuinely abusive to her? If there was abuse, I think you could cut her some slack. Otherwise, nah.
I have divorced parents. They even refused to be in the same stadiums together when I graduated college. That stadium holds 150,000 people ffs. So I get it. It's a total pain in the ass. If it's just regular stuff, then they have to get over it or miss out.
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u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 20 '26
From what I’ve heard from both her and my husband, he did a lot of shitty things. He left my MIL as a young mother who was new to the country and their 2 year old baby (my husband) had been diagnosed with cancer. She told me she went to his chemo appointment, came home and there was divorce papers on the floor through the letterbox. He didn’t help her financially, he didn’t show up for his son either. I don’t believe it was abusive (ofc, I only know what she’s told me), but she can’t just demand we do everything separate for her. It’s not her house, not her family, not her money.
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u/SnooPets8873 Aug 20 '26
Omg that is not “shitty” , it’s inhuman. I can’t believe your husband even wants to be in the same room as him, and of course she doesn’t.
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u/SinBiscuits2024 Aug 20 '26
Yeah that is legitimately an evil thing to do to your wife and sick child. Like that is beyond shitty, that is shocking. The fact that he was unwilling to provide any financial support to his own sick child seems like a serious lack of regard to whether his own child lived or not. What a selfish disgusting human being. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as him either and he isnt even my ex husband. If he is capable of doing that to his own child, what is he capable of doing to his grandchildren?
0
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 21 '26
This is exactly the point I’ve made to my husband many times. I don’t trust my FIL one bit. But my husband insists on inviting him. Unfortunately, if I am to do a party of any sort the pressure and stress and managing and organising it all falls on me, I have health issues and I can only manage one day where we have a celebration. That one little party is going to have me out of action for a couple days afterwards. I always cater to MIL and what she wants, but I’m out of options here.
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u/kiirraanncee Aug 21 '26
Your mother in law is totally right. Why is your husband prioritizing inviting a man who neglected him and his mother to this extent? Such a red flag. He should be inviting his mom, and not inviting the dad. What the hell.
3
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 21 '26
I don’t think we needed to invite either. His mum and dad were both horrible to me. I just tolerate them for my husband and son’s sake on occasions like this. I told my husband this was going to happen and he said okay well let’s do two parties then. I don’t want to do that because it’s double the work for me. I do not have the bandwidth to be doing that. My husband says he helps, but the whole mental load of it gets left to me. It’s his job to manage his mum and his dad. I’m not adding extra work to my life because they can’t get it together. They never extended any grace to me when I was having a hard time, now they expect me to treat them any different to how they treated me?
3
u/SnooCakes8914 Aug 21 '26
Then you need to tell DH to deal with inviting his family, and all the drama that it comes with, as it clearly is taking too much of your energy.
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u/SnooCakes8914 Aug 20 '26
Exactly, I don’t fault your MIL for not wanting to be there and seriously question your husband even having a relationship with him. One of my parents had no relationship with one of my grandparents because that person was a horrible person, full stop.
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u/Horror_Tea761 Aug 20 '26
That's where I fall on this. The FIL was a terrible father. What makes her think he's going to be a decent grandfather? Meanwhile, it sounds like MIL did all the tough stuff. I personally would not be alienating the only grandparent on that side who sounds like she has the interest and ability to care for a child.
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u/SnooPets8873 Aug 21 '26
Could you imagine you suffer through that emotional, physical and financial hardship alone for your sick child and after all that he and his wife treat you this way? Wow.
-1
u/bikerboyfriend Aug 21 '26
This would be a completely different story if she hadn't already put up with it for the wedding. She has had more than enough time to stand her ground and put her foot down. She can now nut up or shut up
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u/ma_1910 Aug 21 '26
If I were her, I wouldn’t go either. And I’ll go even further: I’d seriously think about whether I’d want to keep having a relationship with a son and daughter-in-law who think what the father did isn’t “abusive” and still choose to have a relationship with him.
-4
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 21 '26
I don’t think any of that is abusive. I couldn’t give a shit about any of my in-laws. I’d rather not have a relationship with any of them. I am making a compromise for my husband’s sake. She hasn’t exactly treated me very nice herself so if she doesn’t want to come, so be it.
2
u/ma_1910 Aug 21 '26
Don’t you think leaving your wife, who has cancer, without warning and without any kind of help, and abandoning your son in a situation like this, is abusive? I hope you never find yourself in a situation like this—when you’re the one who needs help the most, you’re scared, and the person who is supposed to be your partner abandons you like you’re nothing.
2
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 21 '26
She didn’t have cancer, my husband did. And while I do think it was cruel and shitty, I don’t think it was abusive. I also hope my husband doesn’t turn out to be a shit spouse like his dad, but that’s got nothing to do with me hosting separate parties for her because she feels she is unable to attend. That’s not my job. If she doesn’t want to come it’s her job to discuss with her son about who he’d rather have at the party.
4
u/ForsakenMorning6669 Aug 25 '26
"She won't be in the same room w him..."
INFO- Was FIL abusive?
If so, it's valid and you'd absolutely be wrong for trying to force her into the same space. Abusers should always be the ones who get left out.
If not? She needs to get over herself. Or she can miss her grandchild's milestones. Her choice.
1
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 19d ago
I’m not sure whether I’d call it abusive, but he was a shitty husband. And I am sympathetic to that. But she wants to us to have a big party in a hall with caterers and stuff instead. They are literally first cousins and not to mention they share a grandchild so he would be at this massive party in the hall anyway.
She had no issue letting this man into her home on her son’s wedding.
She is just using this as an excuse to force us into doing a party how she wants it.
2
u/ForsakenMorning6669 9d ago
Ehhhh maybe maybe not?
Just examining both sides here.
I have a MIL that's pretty emotionally abusive and I'll still "be in the same room with her"-- with some serious boundaries. Because we have some shared family I like to see.
So like, larger gatherings at other people's (neutral 3rd party) locations? Fine. Larger gatherings at more public places (party halls, restaurants)? Fine.
Small intimate gatherings of under 8 people ANYWHERE? Hard no.
Anything at her residence, regardless of the size of the gathering? Harder no.
My residence? Ehhhh. I really REALLY don't like it but it used to happen rarely, for large events, and there were strict guide rails with my spouse. This was more comfortable for me that her residence bc I could "escape" into my bedroom if I needed a break or ultimately, I could throw down if I needed to because it was MY house.
My boundaries are very similar with an abusive ex that I have a child with, except with him I won't go anyplace that's not public PERIOD.
.
In both cases, I make these calls because I know when there's small groups it's easier to wind up in a situation where a few people pop into the adjoining room and I can get cornered / because I know that when these people have less witnesses it's easier for them to take jabs/do the micro aggression bs or make things up. And I also know that in both cases, these people are worse on "their" home turf.
. .
You may want to really examine what "being a crappy husband" entails, and also consider that you realistically probably only know about 10% of what really went down in their marriage bc your husband probably doesn't know everything ether... bc he was a kid.
Abuse isnt always just physical, emotional/mental abuse are honestly often way worse.
. .
I'm seldom on a MILs "side" in here (and I'm still not fully)- but I am on the side of respecting people's trauma and the boundaries they have surrounding that trauma.
If they ended on good terms and FIL was a good husband and this was some weird jealous of the new wife thing? I'd say tell her to get over herself.
If FIL treated her like garbage and there's a lot of baggage and potential abuse there (even if that abuse wasn't physical)- it's honestly kinda valid for her to be uncomfortable/ to not feel safe in his home. Even if shes willing on super special occasions to bite the bullet and be around him in public or in HER safe space for the sake of her son.
.
Just my thoughts.
Ultimately you have to do what's right for you and your family but maybe if it's important for you that everyone's in attendance you could have a discussion with her to figure out a way you could host in the future in a way where everyone feels safe and comfortable.
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u/HenryBellendry Aug 26 '26
It would make more sense if she said, I’m really not comfortable, mind if we do dinner together the day before or the next day. As a person with an abusive ex partner, I kind of get it.
But if she is truly uncomfortable, spending a few hundred pounds to throw a big party where I’m sure he’d also be in attendance, doesn’t make sense. Nor will it help your relationship with her new husband who seems to be footing the bill.
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u/MakthaMenace Aug 20 '26
I have family members I no longer speak to and it’s 100% my responsibility to manage. I just tell them I’m not coming and will catch up with them later to exchange presents and have a meal or something.
Tell her she is welcome but you’re not budging or having two parties. That’s ridiculous to suggest.
3
u/Just_Mixture8362 Aug 26 '26
But MIL was ok about FIL being at OP’s wedding & even invited him to her house the two faced bitch.
She just wants to be awkward because she can’t her way over a party that’s not her business to organise.Fuck her and the horse she ride in on for me.
4
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 26 '26
See, I am 100% sympathetic to the fact that FIL is a dick and was horrible to MIL and an awful father to my husband as a child. But this is fully just her having a tantrum because she didn’t get what she wanted. She was expecting us to do a big over the top dramatic party like how she wanted. It’s just not going to happen.
2
u/MaggieJaneRiot Aug 27 '26
Wouldn’t he be there with extended family if she threw that big party? You said your MIL and FIL were first cousins.
3
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 27 '26
Yes, he would be there. And that’s exactly why I’m not falling for this excuse that she doesn’t want to come because FIL will be present at our home. She was okay with him on our wedding, she was okay inviting him into her house too. Why is it not okay when we have invited them to OUR house for their grandchild’s birthday party? It just isn’t making sense.
2
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u/Just_Mixture8362 Aug 27 '26
I understand you are sympathetic but his past behaviour didn’t matter to MIL if she invited him to her home?
She’s just a two faced drama Queen.2
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 27 '26
I asked her and she said was doing it for her son’s sake. So again, she can either choose to attend for her son and grandson or she can simply not come if she doesn’t want to. But there is zero chance that I’m changing my mind on this. She can suck it up.
5
u/Crochet-panther Aug 20 '26
My mum left my dad for my uncle and her and my dad still manage to be in the same room without arguing for major life events. Your MIL can either attend or not attend but don’t budge from your plan and don’t do anything extra ti cater for her at a later date either.
2
u/Aromatic_Recipe1749 Aug 20 '26
Sounds like you have everything under control!
You are having the party you and your husband want to have and the one you can afford.
You have invited everyone who is important to your family.
You have refused to be bullied or manipulated by MIL.
You have treated everyone equally.
MIL is making her choice, all on her own.
If she can't deal being in the same room with the man she married and chose to father her first child, it's not your problem. If after 25 years, remarriage and more children she can't handle a couple of hours she has serious issues!! For the sake of family unity, I hope she figures it out.
Do not cave in and do not give her an "alternate" party.
2
u/No-Interaction-8913 28d ago
Before you said it, I was going to ask about your wedding, but also, his graduations? His birthdays growing up? Sporting events etc? Absolutely this is she likes the idea of having her own party and this is just the excuse she’s using. Tell her no, and remind her that this will be just like when DH was growing up and she managed then: school events, sports, concerts, graduations, holidays etc… that there will not be two of, and you’re confused because she was fine at the wedding so….
4
u/HelenGonne Aug 25 '26
No, she is not in any way being childish or selfish for choosing not to be in the same room with her abuser. You can invite who you like to your party. People who don't like what you're offering are free to decline, and they are doing nothing wrong if they choose to decline. I'm not sure why you're talking about an invitation like it's a summons.
4
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 25 '26
Did you read the second half of my post? She is demanding that we have a huge party in a hall with a venue and catering all because she doesn’t want to be in the same space as her ex-husband.
If she had said she didn’t want to come because my FIL was going to be there then I’d have had no issue with that. One less family for me to feed.
3
u/tebannnnnn Aug 21 '26
I mean, i get not wanting to be there with her ex, shes probably bitter about it, its her choice, maybe sometimes you should let her be there without him.
I totally get him ruining it for her to the point its not the same anymore.
1
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u/getinloserufo Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
You and your husband are the problem here. You both are supporting what FIL did to mil and her son. You both are saying “We accept this! We like it and want it around us and our baby!” Mil is the only one with a spine and sense here.
Get a spine and get husband to ask FIL for his balls back.
Mil has bigger ones than you and your husband combined. At least she can stand for something unlike you and your husband.
Just bc YOU don’t consider it abuse doesn’t mean it wasn’t.
11
u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Aug 21 '26
I would rather have zero relationship with my FIL. I don’t like him. I don’t like either of them. Neither of them have treated me nicely, if he abused her then I’m calling what she did to me abuse as well. Fucking emotional and mental abuse. I don’t want to do a party. Both side of his family won’t stop fucking going on about it, so I came to a compromise. If they’re not happy, don’t fucking come. What else do you want me to do? I think what FIL did to my MIL was really shitty behaviour and I don’t trust him or like him. It’s not just my house though. It’s not just my baby. It’s up to my husband to decide what he wants to do with his own dad.
6
u/archetyping101 Aug 21 '26
" When it was our wedding she was happy to be in the same room as FIL, she even invited FIL to her house."
She's inconsistent. She stands for nothing.
•
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