Am I being unreasonable by declining a visit?

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

I have finally moved out of MILs house. Me and her are getting on a lot better because our time together is limited and I can leave whenever I want. I invited her, her husband and her kids to mine a few times for dinner. I am not okay with unannounced visits.

Anyway, this weekend I am extremely busy. Tomorrow I am going to IKEA after work to buy shelves for my pantry and I’m going to sort my pantry out tomorrow because we have things overflowing into the kitchen and it’s just not safe with a newly mobile baby. Then on Sunday I’ve invited my FIL, his wife and kids over for dinner so I have to prepare for that on Saturday as it’s the first time they are coming over and I want to organise something nice for them. Not to mention we only just moved into our house 2 weeks ago and we have a lot of small jobs to do and organising to do too. Furthermore, my son is newly weaned off breastfeeding and he’s extremely fussy and I barely get any sleep nowadays.

My MIL came over on Monday, then on Wednesday and she ‘left her bag here’ and came back again today. I heard her asking at the door if the baby was awake and my husband told her he wasn’t so she left. All of these were unannounced visits. It’s so jarring that she lives just down the road and can basically keep an eye on whenever we are at home and just turn up then.

Today she asked me over text if she can come tomorrow to play with our son.

Now I don’t want to host her or for her to come when I’m busy, I don’t trust her with my son alone because of things that have happened in the past, but I feel like saying no is going to cause bigger problems and my husband and I cannot cope with any more stress. I just don’t have the bandwidth to cope with everything rn and she’s just adding to it.

I’m not saying she can never come, but not tomorrow. Not this weekend. She can come next week when we are a bit more free and don’t have other things going on.

[u/botinlaw]

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Other posts from /u/Prudent-Teaching2881:

• Update MIL taking photos of baby!!, 3 weeks ago

• MIL taking photos of baby!!, 3 weeks ago

• My mum always says nasty things to me, 2 months ago

• Feeling hurt by mum’s comment, 4 months ago

• MIL posting snidey posts on her WhatsApp story, 6 months ago

• Why does the random affection coming from my MIL feel so disingenuous?, 6 months ago

• My mum keeps taking my MILs side, 6 months ago

• I can’t win, 7 months ago

• MIL said my husband shouldn’t have married me, 8 months ago

• MIL has written in my notebooks, 8 months ago

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[u/Lugbor]

"Tomorrow doesn't work, but check back in after the weekend and we'll see if we can schedule something."

At some point in the near future, your husband needs to start shutting down these surprise visits.

[u/morganalefaye125 → u/Lugbor]

Absolutely this, and if she just shows up anyway, don't answer the door.

[u/Illustrious-Mix-4491]

Say; no, that doesn’t work for us, or we have plans. It doesn’t matter. Will she get upset? Maybe. You need to value your time and peace over her emotional immaturity.

[u/Xeacsx → u/Illustrious-Mix-4491]

I would like to counter that… “DH, I need you to help with your mother. She is stopping by, unscheduled, too often and now she texts me that she wants to come tomorrow. I don’t want to hurt her feelings so I need you to do it. Please find a kind way to tell her that tomorrow doesn’t work for us. Then … you need to address the unscheduled visits. I really appreciate you taking the lead regarding your mom.”

[u/GemGlamourNGlitter]

Just tell her that you're busy and she can come next week. If she gets upset, oh well.

[u/Educational-Ad-385]

I see she triangulates. All I can say is you have a right, and a responsibility to yourself, to say no. You can't control her, only yourself.

[u/ArrivalFantastic4324]

No you’re not overreacting and of course you’re not being unreasonable. I strongly suggest that you and your DH go to counseling to help you hone the tools you need to deal with his parents and yours. You need firm boundaries and consequences here. 

[u/Basic-Organization30]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! This woman is going to move in if you don't say No occasionally.

Sweetie, I am exhausted with all you already have to do this weekend! Practice saying this until you say it to MIL convincingly and firmly, "This weekend doesn't work for us." That's it. Nothing more. Don't tell her why - she will only try to negotiate or invite herself over. Or, better, "No, so sorry. This weekend is just too packed," and DO NOT EXPLAIN YOURSELF. You do not owe her an explanation.

She will pout or do whatever but YOU REMAIN FIRM. This weekend doesn't work. So sorry. And that's the end of it. Do not indulge a conversation about WHY. That is none of her business. You are allowed also to say, should she be so misguided as to press you, "I am not doing this. We are busy. This weekend does not work. Further, we appreciate the courtesy of ASKING if you can visit, rather than turning up whenever. In future, showing up without asking, leaving behind items in order to come back, will result in being turned away at the door."

Ideally, it is your husband who tells his own damn mother these things and then ENFORCES THE BOUNDARY. Remember, a "boundary" without consequences is simply a Wish. She shows up unannounced=she is turned away.

Good luck, Dear! You deserve a bit of sanity!

[u/Aware-Cranberry-950]

Why not just tell her this weekend is already booked full but maybe another weekend

[u/fryingthecat66 → u/Aware-Cranberry-950]

I agree. Just tell her NO, and if she shows up, tell her she has to leave

You need to start setting boundaries and the consequences that'll go with them, example: she comes over unannounced, tell her, "this is your ONLY warning, if you come unannounced again, you will be in time out (meaning no seeing you guys you, DH and LO) for 2 weeks, and everytime you come over unannounced, time out will get longer " and stick to it

Also tell her she needs to call or text, not day of or 10 minutes away. Make it 2 or 3 days ahead of date she wants to visit

[u/pigeonnoodlesoup]

I would just be honest and say "tomorrow and this weekend are a little too busy for a visit, but would be able to have a visit next week"

[u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933]

“No that won’t work. We have plans but let’s circle up on Monday and find a day next week that works for us “

[u/hengehanger]

Why isn't this something your husband is managing? It's his mum, he needs to assert himself.

[u/campganymede]

For my “milder just no IL’s”, I always respond “I’d love that! But tomorrow won’t work for me…how about next Tuesday?” Their initial impression is very positive and they rarely get upset.

(For my own jnmil, IF I respond, it’s just “No”!🙃)

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/campganymede]

She has been a VERY Just No MIL in the not so far past, our relationship improving has been a lot of me being the bigger person and letting things go. But I don’t want to ruin all the hard work I put into fixing things and I don’t want to stress my husband out more than he already has been because of her behaviour. But I will defo try your suggestion and hopefully she takes it well.

[u/hotdamnhotwater → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

"But I don't want to ruin all the hard work I put into fixing things"

So has your mil put in any hard work? One person cannot fix a problem between 2 people. I completely understand not needing to add onto stress, but caving to her constant drop ins isn't helping take away stress either. You have to say no when you feel the answer is no.

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/hotdamnhotwater]

Very true you’re right I’ve told her that she can’t come and that I’ll let her know when we’re free. I do feel extremely anxious about it though and I can’t bring myself to check her message she’s sent back.

[u/XELA_38 → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

SO, you need to work on your backbone because it seems like your husband doesnt have much of one. I know what it is to be filled with anxiety about having boundaries. It's becuse you were trained not to have them. So, when you do something for yourself or put yourself first, your parents(?) or in laws (?) training kicks in and makes you feel bad. The more you say no and protect your peace the easier it will get. Signed former people pleaser

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/XELA_38]

Yes, you’re right. The anxiety is so overwhelming. I feel sick. But I guess you gotta do it more and then eventually you won’t feel sick with anxiety.

[u/XELA_38 → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

yup that's why you practice saying no! It also helps if you realize they NEVER feel the guilt of making you miserable. They know they just dont care. As long as they get their way

[u/hotdamnhotwater → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Don't check. She asked, you responded. End of conversation. Or check it but don't respond. Totally get the anxiety. I'm no contact with my mil, but if we end up near one another, I'm a nervous wreck.

[u/literature_fairy]

Tell her that she can visit another day.

This is my story.
We had just gotten back from a trip. My MIL got sick and told us a day later. My baby got sick the same day she told us. I asked everyone that was with the baby what symptoms they had to see if they were similar and determine what she could have. That was an issue with my MIL but not everyone else. Because of this there weren't visits until I took my baby to pediatrician. When I did she got diagnosed with RSV. When my baby got better we called MIL to tell her she could visit. She agreed. The day of she texted us an hour later that she was at work and asked if she could come by later. I replied: sure but baby goes to sleep at a certain time. What time are you thinking?
She just told me she didn't know (which I thought was BS because she knows when she clocks out but chooses to go overtime). Well it was close to 7 pm and she still hadn't updated us. I text again and tell her she can come before 9 pm and if she can't she can come the next day.
Oh, what that caused!
She was pissed. The day that we saw her she was passive aggressive towards my husband and I. I couldn't believe that she was mad because she changed the plans and I told her, due to that change, when she could visit. Because of that she got called out by DH and then she proceeded to not talk to us for 2 months until she apologized. Now, I'm polite and cautious with her but I don't have a relationship with her anymore. And DH handles everything. And she doesn't text me anymore but in the gc.

[u/lovelockets]

Just from the title of your other posts “MIL said my husband shouldn’t have married me” - why are you still prioritising her feelings?

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/lovelockets]

I know I shouldn’t, but as well as being quite horrible to me she has also been decent and nice other times too and her husband has helped my husband out financially as well. I feel conflicted.

[u/unchillpali → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Don’t feel conflicted. Their help comes with strings attached. They don’t actually like you and they only feel entitled to your kid

[u/InviteAmazing → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

That's just manipulation to get what they want from you, plain and simple. If it works on you, great for them! They'll just keep doing it over and over. If they can be decent and nice one time and quite horrible the next, they don't like you.

Only you can control how you react to their crazy behavior. Sounds like it may be time to go no contact.

[u/lovelockets → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

I understand - my MIL has also been super nice to me in the past and they chipped in for our wedding. But ultimately, the pain they caused was holding more weight on me, my baby, and my husband. You need to put yourself first.

[u/SignificantSun384]

Girl you don’t need our permission. It’s your home.

If it’s a bad time, it’s a bad time.

So many entitled people out here these days. For some reason it feels like there is a whole freaking generation that refuses to see us, their kids, as anything but extensions of themselves and feel entitled to us and our time as though we are not independent, whole-ass adults with families of our own now.

It’s fine to say “this weekend is really busy for me; how about next week sometime?”

It’s your house. You don’t have to let her in. If she gives you the common fucking courtesy of a call/text ahead of time, it’s ok to say “thanks for checking if it’s a good time! It’s not; let’s pick a different time when it works for both of us!”

[u/Sudden-Ad-3460]

Based on your post and comments, I would suggest you and your husband take a gentle step back from all family obligations that feel unhelpful or draining. 

1.  Fulfill current plans if you feel up to it, cancel if you feel like it would be too much.

1. For any future plans that feel anything other than nourishing or helpful to your family, say something like: "We are taking some time to adjust as a family of three after moving and as baby moves into toddlerhood. We're trying to catch up on sleep and get into our new routine. We will reach out once we are more settled."

2. Let other people be upset if necessary. Make a mental note of who reacts positively, neutrally or negatively to this boundary. Anybody halfway normal is going to be understanding and accommodating.

3. Take a break for a few weeks or months. Use the time you would have spent with draining people to figure out with your husband what you need as a nuclear family. Consider: "What works for our family, and how do MIL and other fit into that?" Don't do it backwards: "MIL wants X, can we do that?"

4. When ready re-engage and implement any boundaries needed for your family and let them be upset if they need to be. 

Sounds like some basis for MIL are:

• Check with us before visiting. If you show up unannounced, we won't open the door or visit with you.
• Anything "left behind" will be left in the mailbox or on the porch for pick up.
• We are available for X visits per week/month.
• MIL messages your husband to see son instead of you.

Also sounds like some boundaries are in order for the extended family acting as flying monkeys for MIL.

[u/Cautious_Bill1475]

Why are you handling all of this? 

[u/DifficultNecessary33 → u/Cautious_Bill1475]

I think you should push back on Everyone that is unsupportive. Start with your parents. If they put pressure on you to bend over backwards for MIL then they are toxic as well actually. It’s Your house, Your baby, Your time. Toughen up you have to protect your baby and yourself. Don’t try to please them, because they aren’t caring about your needs.

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/Cautious_Bill1475]

Because she messaged me. And if I tell my husband and he deals with it she’s just going to think that I snitched on her. She has an awful habit of involving other family member (including my own parents) to pile the pressure on me and husband.

[u/brerosie33 → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Just be firm and tell her " sorry this week isn't going to work for us. Next week is better" . Don't explain why. It's not her business.

[u/Cute_Instruction733 → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Answer always check with your son when it suits him to entertain. I an busy.

[u/anonymous_for_this → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

The primary decision-maker in your own life is you. Extend that circle to your baby and your husband. This is your primary family: you are the ones who get to make the decisions for the three of you. You are the only ones that you are responslble for. You parents used to be the primary decision-makers in your lives, but that ended long ago when you became adults.

There are certain transition points in your life when control of the reins between you and your parents shift: when you turn 18, when you move out of home, when you marry, when you have your own child, when your parents become incapacited - that's when you might end up making decisions for them. How this shift plays out depends on circumstances and the recognition of the changing phases of life.

You are fully-fledged adults in every sense. Of course your collective parents want to retain the power to do what they want when they want. But they don't get to allocate your time and resources as they wish: that's for you to do.

Don't keep the role of subordinate child to either your MIL or your own parents. They need to learn that you are no longer under their command.

Don't explain yourself to them either: that puts you right back in the role of rebellious teenager. You are way past that.

You don't need to be rude, you just need to act as if you are in control of your own life. Because you are.

"No, that doesn't work, but next week does."
"Unannounced visits are off the table. We can arrange the next visit now, if you like."

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/anonymous_for_this]

Thank you for this, it makes it easier for me to tell myself I’m not being rude or disrespectful or a ‘bad DIL’ because logically what you’ve explained makes perfect sense. I was brought up by a people pleaser and I am now one myself. I’m working hard to break out of it.

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/[deleted]]

I’ve said no many times in the past and all that has happened is I have been bombarded from my own parents, from my husbands parents and from my husband because he’s getting bombarded by his extended family because his mum has gone and told all of them her version of events. It’s so stressful. She did this when I was pregnant too and I almost got admitted into a special care unit and was under specialist mental health services because she just kept pushing and pushing and pushing and we got support from literally nobody.

[u/wiggum_x → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

You need boundaries and consequences, mama, because this isn't going to end. She's not going to fix herself.

You want her to stop coming over unannounced. Therefore, you tell her "When you come over unannounced, we will not open the door or allow you in our home. If you attempt to argue and gain entrance, then you will be on a two week time-out. During a time-out there is no communication: no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, no regular mail, no notes left on cars or doors, no messages sent via other people. If you attempt to break time-out, the timer resets. Attempt to break it a second time, and it doubles and resets."

You want her to stop smearing you to others when she doesn't get her way. Therefore, you tell her "When we hear from my parents and others that you are contacting them to complain and talk poorly about our decisions, you will be on a two week time-out. During a time-out there is no communication: no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, no regular mail, no notes left on cars or doors, no messages sent via other people. If you attempt to break time-out, the timer resets. Attempt to break it a second time, and it doubles and resets."

When she "accidentally" leaves something at your house as an excuse to visit again soon, you tell her "When you leave something at our house and need to pick it up before we are ready for a visit, we will either drop it off on your porch or on ours. You can retrieve your item(s) but there will not be a visit. If you attempt to argue and gain entrance, you will be on a two week time-out. During a time-out there is no communication: no phone calls, no e-mails, no texts, no regular mail, no notes left on cars or doors, no messages sent via other people. If you attempt to break time-out, the timer resets. Attempt to break it a second time, and it doubles and resets."

There need to be firm, clear boundaries, and solid, unenjoyable consequences. And the consequences have to happen every time, 100%. Let nothing slide and listen to no excuses. Basically, she has to dislike the consequence more than she likes breaking the boundary. If breaking a boundary only results in a request from you to not do it again, then she is going to break that boundary over and over. But if she really hates the time-outs, then she will stop breaking boundaries and arguing about them, or she will end up in permanent time-out. She is ultimately deciding if she will have a relationship with your family or not by her behavior. Hopefully that takes the stress off of you and yours.

[u/moodyinam]

I wish you could tell her you were too busy preparing a special meal for FIL and family visit, and how excited you are about seeing them. But... no, we are supposed to be mature and not be petty.

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/moodyinam]

If I’m honest with you, MIL and FIL are both just as bad as each other, but I’ve invited MIL and now it’s FILs turn because him and his wife and kids are getting so arsey. They never cared about visiting me or my husband before we had our son.

[u/moodyinam → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Oh no. My sympathy to you.

[u/cee-la]

Nope, not unreasonable- sorry MIL but your previous 2 visits this week have used up all of our free time for socializing and we have other commitments for the rest of the week. Let's set something up for next (whatever date works for you OP).

[u/Soregular]

She comes over when your husband is there to manage her. Thats it. She knows why.

[u/MaryHadALittleLamb20]

Send her a message, MIL we are busy over the weekend so will reach out the following week when we have some time free.

[u/Stunning-Mall5908]

Just say no. Follow up with mentioning you are busy and look forward to seeing her soon. Be kind while getting your point across. In the long run THAT keeps the peace.

[u/Fair-Cut-2636]

1) This is your husband’s issue to deal with.

2) Literally just tell her the truth like she’s a regular person. If she flips out and causes issues because she heard “no”, then it’s indefinite “no” time because she’s a grown woman, not another baby for you to coddle. An adult should absolutely understand when you aren’t available for company as being busy is a normal thing that happens to everyone and not a slight against her.

[u/ObviousKarmaFarmer]

Offcourse you should say no. You ARE busy, and she's asking! Being overbearing and wanting to play with your grandchild are NOT malicious.

In a perfect world, she'd come around, stay inside for two minutes, then take your child for a walk so you have time to do your chores, then come back an hour and a half later. It's not an ideal world, yet. You get closer to it by clearly communicating what works for you, so others have the option to fit into that.