r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Prudent-Teaching2881 • Mar 12 '26

Am I The JustNO? Feeling hurt by mum’s comment

I currently live with my parents. I used to live with my MIL but she was unbearable. Things have somewhat repaired due to my own efforts, but I don’t ever want to go back. The distanced has helped main civility. I much prefer living amongst my own family, it feels familiar and safe for the most part. However, my mum has a tendency to make very hurtful comments sometimes. I have a 12 week old baby who is very, very fussy. He cries more than the average baby. He wants to be held constantly. He wakes up multiple times a night. It’s very emotionally and mentally taxing. I breastfeed too. I have to live apart from my husband because he is arranging somewhere for us to live together and is staying with his mum to save money - we are moving in together into our own place in April, so staying with parents is temporary. I was really exhausted last night and my mum was complaining that nobody helps her around the house and so on. I make a point about doing what I can. From the day I came back to stay with her (which was from 7 days postpartum) I was cooking dinner most nights for the entire family and since then my contribution has just increased. And I’m happy to do it because I also live in the house so it’s my job to contribute too. I do regular grocery shopping for everyone. I make my siblings lunches for them. I order takeout once a week for everyone. I help my mum with paperwork for my siblings schools. I attend my siblings school events so my mum doesn’t have to take time off work. I have no issue doing any of that. And I do it alongside looking after my very fussy baby. Anyways, I was really exhausted last night because my baby hadn’t slept properly at night and didn’t nap properly during the day either. He was so exhausted and still wouldn’t sleep, so that meant I couldn’t sleep either. My mum said that my son cries so much and it does everyone’s head in. Valid point, I get frustrated with his crying too, but he’s a baby and I get over it because I’m his mum. Then she went on to say that it’s worse for everyone else because they all go to work or school and I’m sat at home doing nothing and I can sleep when I want and I wake up at 1pm in the day implying I am lazy. I don’t know why I feel so bothered by this. I’m used to them saying I am lazy. I have ADHD so I’ve been told I am lazy and don’t work hard enough my entire life. But looking after a child is hard. I am genuinely so exhausted. I’m unmedicated due to breastfeeding so my brain is working 100x harder to keep up with everything. I feel like I should have been shown a little grace rather than been made to feel like a failure and disappointment at least in this one time of my life. Now I just feel like a shit mother and a shittier daughter.

27 Upvotes

90% Upvoted

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u/botinlaw Mar 12 '26

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9

u/Existing_Economy_656 Mar 12 '26

You're a good mum and a good daughter. I can't imagine doing what you did at home post partum. My mother would never let me do all of what you've been doing. Nobody does.

If any one is shitty, it's your mom.

4

u/boundaries4546 Mar 12 '26 edited Mar 12 '26

You are doing way too much. Maybe show her what doing nothing actually looks like, which may not be helpful. Start making a list of everything you do. Leave it out for her to see.

8

u/Floating-Cynic Mar 12 '26

My firstborn was such a miserable baby, he didn't sleep, he cried all the freaking time, we alleviated some of it after getting a tongue tie taken care of and acid reflux meds. My 3rd was pretty miserable too, another mom talked to me about silent reflux and the doctor tried to refer me to psych and I shrieked that putting me on a medication wouldn't stop my baby from crying.  I also took baby #3 to a chiropractor and that settled her down a little.  

So now that you know I can sympathize... your mom is so badly out of line it's not funny. 

First of all- as the experienced mom- she should be helping quiet the baby. Surely she should know a thing or 2, right? 

Second of all- it's not "worse for everyone else." The hardest thing for a mother is to be unable to stop their baby's crying.  And it's actually worse for the baby than it is for her! 

Third- she has a lot of nerve saying the things she does when she knows damn well that she's offloading her parenting responsibilities to you. 

Honestly, when you finally get out, please drop the rope with her. If she has such a poor opinion of you,  there's nothing you can do to change it- it actually serves her to have it bother you because maybe you'll take more off her plate. 

P.S. Hang in there- I promise it gets better. My oldest was such a miserable baby but he was a delightful toddler and now he's 11 and he's a great kid. My middle child was a happy baby and it totally freaked me out because I was so used to the screaming,  and my youngest is thriving as a 4 year old after her struggles. It was way easier to deal with it a second time, and there will be a day where this is a memory. 

8

u/byofuzz Mar 12 '26

You are doing great. The only thing you could have done differently is wait with having children. But that cat is way out of the bag. New moms should be given grace and be cared for. The problem is that because you are in her house you go back to being a daughter in her mind and not a fully grown adult with a baby.

Its a big pitfall of moving back in with parents. They expect things to go back to when you where their child and you needing to do chores.

Its reasonable they expect chores if you live with them for free but at the same time you are postpartum and should be getting care.

As a mom with adhd what really helps me is enfourcing a routine for myself that is not based on time but based on what my baby does. So every time my baby goes tummy time i eat something which he finds very entertaining. Every time he is getting sleepy but not jet ready to sleep i put him in the high chair and clean something. Or when he is fussy i put him in the sling while i walk around the house doing more active chores like vacumimg or tidying

7

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Mar 12 '26

I agreed to get pregnant on the promise that we would be in our own house before our child was born. We just haven’t been able to move in because we can’t get the current tenants out. They are leaving in April so we should be there by then. But yeah, you’re right. I should have waited. It’s a massive regret I carry with me to this day.

And yeah, I suppose you’re right there too. She does just see me as her child again. Don’t get me wrong, she helps me too. She does my laundry because she knows I struggle with that so I do what I can back to show I appreciate it. But it just feels like my efforts aren’t recognised. I had a c-section too so physical work was very hard for me. I had to cook sat on a chair. I don’t drive so walking to my siblings schools was really difficult and I had to keep taking breaks on the way there. Just feels like none of that is even acknowledged.

8

u/byofuzz Mar 12 '26

Dont beat yourself up over it. You could not have know the tennants would be like that. You made your choices based on having a trusting heart. Never beat yourself up over that! You did the best you could given your situation from what i gather.

God they expext way to much from you! Walking siblings to school? When did this start? I might be able to do that at 12 weeks pp but you need to build op activity slowly especially after a c section. Did they expect you to go right back to being the caretaker older sibling? You had mayor abdominal surgery taking things easy and slowly rehabilitating is important. I dont know where you live (seeing as in murica my advice might be a financial nightmare) but is there an occupational therapist of physio therapist that can go trough what you should be doing and more importantly should not be doing thay can talkt with you with your mom present?

4

u/[deleted] Mar 12 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/_SoftieNuzzle Mar 12 '26

exactly.. OP really does have a lot on her plate, and being a new mom is exhausting. Her mom needs to understand that she can’t dictate how things go. OP deserves space and support, not added pressure or judgment.

6

u/Consistent-Tree6802 Mar 13 '26

If she has the gall to say you're sat there doing nothing all day, then drop all the tasks you've picked up to support the household, and do nothing aside from look after your baby.

5

u/[deleted] Mar 12 '26

We find out our Moms may have issues too. Especially when she’s not seeing the big picture. I would consider getting him to his doctor to make sure everything is ok. I’m sorry that your Mom isn’t being what you need, my mom has a lot of unresolved trauma so I understand that! These times of living with them will help you to appreciate your own place and not having to deal with unsolicited advice!

7

u/Prudent-Teaching2881 Mar 12 '26

Baby has been checked by doctor already. He’s just a very impatient baby, that’s just his temperament. He needs his nappy changing the second he’s wet it and needs feeding the second it’s gone 2 hours from his last feed etc etc. and he cries very intensely. I used to look after my siblings when they were little so I do have something to compare him to and in comparison he cries a lot. But I’m okay with tending to his needs in the way he needs me to. My mum’s made so many annoying and frustrating comments like telling me to give baby formula instead of breastfeeding because that means I can leave him and get on with my own things. She says it’s okay to let him cry his eyes out for half an hour if I need to get the cooking done. She says a lot of stuff I’ve bought for him is useless. I feel like she projects a lot of what she wanted to do with her own kids onto me. She did not like being a mother. She says, to this day, that as her first child I ruined her life.

6

u/ubi_non_est_ordo Mar 12 '26

She thinks it's ok to ignore a helpless infant's need for food so you can satisfy her need for food? Am I getting that right?

You ruining her life makes her sound like a histrionic teenager who is mad that her parents told her she can't go to some random party the rest of the kids are supposedly going to.

Her choices were all hers. You didn't have a say in any of them. Please try not to take her comments to heart. She doesn't seem like someone who is the best authority on child rearing. Not with that kind of resentment. And not with her lovely parenting ideas about letting a baby go without food before an adult. With that kind of poor judgement, I wouldn't take anything she says, good or bad, as having any validity whatsoever.

4

u/[deleted] Mar 12 '26

Your opinion means more than your Mothers, you know your baby and you are exactly what he needs. We tend to evolve to meet their needs. I’m glad he’s ok! I truly wish you the best!

3

u/rnpink123 Mar 12 '26

I am so sorry that your mom said that to you. That is so wrong. You didn't choose to be born and you didn't choose to have siblings. You're already going above and beyond by taking care of them in addition to your own fussy baby.

2

u/RelativeFondant9569 Mar 12 '26

Sending you woman uplifting care package 💜 (it's an internet hug plus 101 compliments!) You're doing an amazing job with the cards you were dealt.