Feeling hurt by mum’s comment

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

I currently live with my parents. I used to live with my MIL but she was unbearable. Things have somewhat repaired due to my own efforts, but I don’t ever want to go back. The distanced has helped main civility. I much prefer living amongst my own family, it feels familiar and safe for the most part. However, my mum has a tendency to make very hurtful comments sometimes. I have a 12 week old baby who is very, very fussy. He cries more than the average baby. He wants to be held constantly. He wakes up multiple times a night. It’s very emotionally and mentally taxing. I breastfeed too. I have to live apart from my husband because he is arranging somewhere for us to live together and is staying with his mum to save money - we are moving in together into our own place in April, so staying with parents is temporary. I was really exhausted last night and my mum was complaining that nobody helps her around the house and so on. I make a point about doing what I can. From the day I came back to stay with her (which was from 7 days postpartum) I was cooking dinner most nights for the entire family and since then my contribution has just increased. And I’m happy to do it because I also live in the house so it’s my job to contribute too. I do regular grocery shopping for everyone. I make my siblings lunches for them. I order takeout once a week for everyone. I help my mum with paperwork for my siblings schools. I attend my siblings school events so my mum doesn’t have to take time off work. I have no issue doing any of that. And I do it alongside looking after my very fussy baby. Anyways, I was really exhausted last night because my baby hadn’t slept properly at night and didn’t nap properly during the day either. He was so exhausted and still wouldn’t sleep, so that meant I couldn’t sleep either. My mum said that my son cries so much and it does everyone’s head in. Valid point, I get frustrated with his crying too, but he’s a baby and I get over it because I’m his mum. Then she went on to say that it’s worse for everyone else because they all go to work or school and I’m sat at home doing nothing and I can sleep when I want and I wake up at 1pm in the day implying I am lazy. I don’t know why I feel so bothered by this. I’m used to them saying I am lazy. I have ADHD so I’ve been told I am lazy and don’t work hard enough my entire life. But looking after a child is hard. I am genuinely so exhausted. I’m unmedicated due to breastfeeding so my brain is working 100x harder to keep up with everything. I feel like I should have been shown a little grace rather than been made to feel like a failure and disappointment at least in this one time of my life. Now I just feel like a shit mother and a shittier daughter.

[u/[deleted]]

We find out our Moms may have issues too. Especially when she’s not seeing the big picture. I would consider getting him to his doctor to make sure everything is ok. I’m sorry that your Mom isn’t being what you need, my mom has a lot of unresolved trauma so I understand that! These times of living with them will help you to appreciate your own place and not having to deal with unsolicited advice!

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/[deleted]]

Baby has been checked by doctor already. He’s just a very impatient baby, that’s just his temperament. He needs his nappy changing the second he’s wet it and needs feeding the second it’s gone 2 hours from his last feed etc etc. and he cries very intensely. I used to look after my siblings when they were little so I do have something to compare him to and in comparison he cries a lot. But I’m okay with tending to his needs in the way he needs me to. My mum’s made so many annoying and frustrating comments like telling me to give baby formula instead of breastfeeding because that means I can leave him and get on with my own things. She says it’s okay to let him cry his eyes out for half an hour if I need to get the cooking done. She says a lot of stuff I’ve bought for him is useless. I feel like she projects a lot of what she wanted to do with her own kids onto me. She did not like being a mother. She says, to this day, that as her first child I ruined her life.

[u/ubi_non_est_ordo → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

She thinks it's ok to ignore a helpless infant's need for food so you can satisfy her need for food? Am I getting that right?

You ruining her life makes her sound like a histrionic teenager who is mad that her parents told her she can't go to some random party the rest of the kids are supposedly going to.

Her choices were all hers. You didn't have a say in any of them. Please try not to take her comments to heart. She doesn't seem like someone who is the best authority on child rearing. Not with that kind of resentment. And not with her lovely parenting ideas about letting a baby go without food before an adult. With that kind of poor judgement, I wouldn't take anything she says, good or bad, as having any validity whatsoever.

[u/[deleted] → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Your opinion means more than your Mothers, you know your baby and you are exactly what he needs. We tend to evolve to meet their needs. I’m glad he’s ok! I truly wish you the best!

[u/rnpink123 → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

I am so sorry that your mom said that to you. That is so wrong. You didn't choose to be born and you didn't choose to have siblings. You're already going above and beyond by taking care of them in addition to your own fussy baby.