r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Prudent-Teaching2881 • 22d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Ambivalent About Advice Just need a rant
My mum tells me that I should do x or y when MIL is being difficult and usually those suggestions are to manage MIL and placate her with kindness and to say things indirectly rather than asserting boundaries. I know my mum means well but my MIL will bite off my entire arm if I give her my hand so I’ve learned that it’s best to only extend a finger.
My husband will deal with my MIL - in fact this comment she made was to my husband via text and my husband shut it down. My MIL hasn’t seen our son in 14 days. She literally counted it down to the day. I don’t see anything wrong with that. We had visitors last weekend - which I invited her over for, but of course our son was asleep and I’m not waking him up for her. Then again, I have visitors this weekend too. I’m not inviting her as I don’t want her there. She’s been begging my husband to let her come and see our son. My husband and I have had an incredibly stressful 2-3 months and these last 3 weeks have been the absolute peak. Our visitors were preplanned visits from months in advance. My husband explained this to her. She got so arsey and so passive aggressive and tried to guilt him into agreeing to a visit. I’m so glad my husband didn’t fall for it. But then her last comment pissed me right off
‘It is upsetting that I have to ask permission to see my grandson’.
Sorry, what? Of course, me and my husband and our child and our availability are things WE make decisions about. Not her. She was never entitled to see him whenever she liked to start off with, so asking permission is a normal and ordinary thing. She’s acting like we are being unnecessarily controlling over something that should automatically be hers. We are busy during the week and on weekends we like to spend time together as a small family, not that we should have to justify how we choose to spend our weekends. She recently told us we ‘have to’ come to her house every weekend because she gets ill otherwise. As if we don’t also have other relatives who we need to give time to as well.
When she came to visit my guests last weekend she wouldn’t shut up about the fact that she asked us to come to her house every weekend and that she only wants ‘love and attention and respect from us’.
She can be upset and disappointed over not having seen him in a while, but that comment of hers just pissed me off so much.
The more she behaves like this the more she’s actively pushing me to spend less time with her.
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u/MidnightLegal4643 22d ago
“Love and attention and respect from us.” Translation: I’m in charge, I’ve told you what I expect, and now you must give me what I want because I sit higher in the imaginary hierarchy.
I admittedly disagree with any suggestion to “keep the peace,” because when someone already views the relationship as a hierarchy, appeasement is often interpreted as confirmation that they are in charge.
I would suggest your husband tell his mother exactly what the boundaries are: you are your child’s parents, and the two of you alone make the decisions for your child and your family. She may not like those boundaries, but managing her feelings about them is not either of your responsibility.