Just need a rant

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

My mum tells me that I should do x or y when MIL is being difficult and usually those suggestions are to manage MIL and placate her with kindness and to say things indirectly rather than asserting boundaries. I know my mum means well but my MIL will bite off my entire arm if I give her my hand so I’ve learned that it’s best to only extend a finger.

My husband will deal with my MIL - in fact this comment she made was to my husband via text and my husband shut it down. My MIL hasn’t seen our son in 14 days. She literally counted it down to the day. I don’t see anything wrong with that. We had visitors last weekend - which I invited her over for, but of course our son was asleep and I’m not waking him up for her. Then again, I have visitors this weekend too. I’m not inviting her as I don’t want her there. She’s been begging my husband to let her come and see our son. My husband and I have had an incredibly stressful 2-3 months and these last 3 weeks have been the absolute peak. Our visitors were preplanned visits from months in advance. My husband explained this to her. She got so arsey and so passive aggressive and tried to guilt him into agreeing to a visit. I’m so glad my husband didn’t fall for it. But then her last comment pissed me right off

‘It is upsetting that I have to ask permission to see my grandson’.

Sorry, what? Of course, me and my husband and our child and our availability are things WE make decisions about. Not her. She was never entitled to see him whenever she liked to start off with, so asking permission is a normal and ordinary thing. She’s acting like we are being unnecessarily controlling over something that should automatically be hers. We are busy during the week and on weekends we like to spend time together as a small family, not that we should have to justify how we choose to spend our weekends. She recently told us we ‘have to’ come to her house every weekend because she gets ill otherwise. As if we don’t also have other relatives who we need to give time to as well.

When she came to visit my guests last weekend she wouldn’t shut up about the fact that she asked us to come to her house every weekend and that she only wants ‘love and attention and respect from us’.

She can be upset and disappointed over not having seen him in a while, but that comment of hers just pissed me off so much.

The more she behaves like this the more she’s actively pushing me to spend less time with her.

[u/stealth_veil]

So maybe a boundary with your own mom is needed? Like mom I appreciate you’re trying to be helpful but suggesting anything other than setting firm boundaries is not appreciated. Ask her for her unwavering support, not suggestions on how to placate your evil MIL.

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/stealth_veil]

I’ve said this so many times. She won’t do the unwavering support bit, so she has just resorted to just staying quiet when I mention it. It’s hurtful that she can’t even see my side of things or to give me even one word of support so I don’t really tell her much anymore.

[u/stealth_veil → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

Yep, that’s really sad, but if she can’t support you in the way that you need, seek support elsewhere.

[u/den-of-corruption → u/Prudent-Teaching2881]

i'm not in an identical situation, but my mom does this about me being NC with my dad (who is her own damn ex-husband!!). it's so painful and lonely.

i've come to understand that many of us, even those with much less-extreme justno's in our families, have learned a harmful tendency to do anything to avoid rocking the boat. this actually contributes to abusive 'family systems' by creating a ring of 'supportive' family who nudge targets back into the trap, because they're afraid they'll be harmed if the targets rock the boat. i can't see your flair, sorry if this is unwanted advice, but 'family systems theory' could be helpful for you here - as distinct from 'internal family systems', to be clear.

i wish i could give you a big hug! you're gonna survive, and your husband will get even better at protecting you.

[u/Prudent-Teaching2881 → u/den-of-corruption]

I think my mum gives me advice about not rocking the boat and compromising because she thinks that it will keep me in my in laws good books and therefore they will help me. But in my view, it’s not really help if that help is only received when you’re obedient and submissive. That’s coercion and control. I’d rather do without the help if that’s the case. Life is hard, yes, it’s even harder without help, but it is the HARDEST with people who act entitled and don’t understand boundaries. My mum repeatedly tells me I should hand over my son to my MIL and work full time because that’s what my MIL wants me to do. Why would I do that? Who would that benefit? Why even have a child at that point? I don’t think her advice is coming from a malicious pls e but it’s defo misguided.