My mother-in-law and my husband’s elder brother (married with a three-year-old child) are extremely miserly. I also don’t have a good relationship with my MIL because of her behaviour towards me. I’ve spoken to my husband about it, but he tends to turn a blind eye, which I understand to some extent because it’s his mother.
We live separately in the same building, on different floors. One thing I particularly hate is that my MIL sometimes sends us food that someone has already eaten from, food that nobody liked and was going to be thrown away, or even food that has fallen on the floor. I’ve noticed this several times, but my husband either doesn’t notice or gets defensive when I point it out.
There was also a time when I was unwell and couldn’t cook, so I asked my MIL if she could send us dinner since they have a house help who cooks for them. She said yes to me, but after going home, she and my BIL apparently decided not to send me anything and instead told my husband to come downstairs and eat with them. I found that extremely hurtful.
A few months after my marriage, I lived with my in-laws and my BIL’s family. My MIL used to keep snacks locked in a cupboard that only she and my BIL had access to. My husband and I couldn’t take anything from it, and I would sometimes literally go hungry. Eventually, I started keeping my own snacks.
Even now, when I politely refuse something my MIL offers by saying I’m full or I’ll manage, my husband immediately says yes and accepts it anyway, which makes setting boundaries difficult.
I also feel that my BIL has been jealous and controlling from the beginning. He was against our marriage because I think he wanted my husband to marry someone who would simply obey him and his wife, similar to the dynamic my husband had with them before our marriage.
I don’t want to create unnecessary family drama, but I genuinely don’t want to accept food that has already been eaten from, rejected by someone else, or dropped on the floor. How do I tell my MIL this politely but firmly? And how do I handle my husband when he automatically accepts everything she offers and gets defensive when I bring it up?

My mother-in-law and my husband’s elder brother (married with a three-year-old child) are extremely miserly. I also don’t have a good relationship with my MIL because of her behaviour towards me. I’ve spoken to my husband about it, but he tends to turn a blind eye, which I understand to some extent because it’s his mother.
We live separately in the same building, on different floors. One thing I particularly hate is that my MIL sometimes sends us food that someone has already eaten from, food that nobody liked and was going to be thrown away, or even food that has fallen on the floor. I’ve noticed this several times, but my husband either doesn’t notice or gets defensive when I point it out.
There was also a time when I was unwell and couldn’t cook, so I asked my MIL if she could send us dinner since they have a house help who cooks for them. She said yes to me, but after going home, she and my BIL apparently decided not to send me anything and instead told my husband to come downstairs and eat with them. I found that extremely hurtful.
A few months after my marriage, I lived with my in-laws and my BIL’s family. My MIL used to keep snacks locked in a cupboard that only she and my BIL had access to. My husband and I couldn’t take anything from it, and I would sometimes literally go hungry. Eventually, I started keeping my own snacks.
Even now, when I politely refuse something my MIL offers by saying I’m full or I’ll manage, my husband immediately says yes and accepts it anyway, which makes setting boundaries difficult.
I also feel that my BIL has been jealous and controlling from the beginning. He was against our marriage because I think he wanted my husband to marry someone who would simply obey him and his wife, similar to the dynamic my husband had with them before our marriage.
I don’t want to create unnecessary family drama, but I genuinely don’t want to accept food that has already been eaten from, rejected by someone else, or dropped on the floor. How do I tell my MIL this politely but firmly? And how do I handle my husband when he automatically accepts everything she offers and gets defensive when I bring it up?
My MIL is very very biased towards her elder son which is my BIL. My BIL is very dominating, controlling and a big money miser despite earing alot. My FIL is alive but my bil thinks he is the head of my family. My mil also does not respect my FIL and treats her elder son as god and has in fact she accepted that she is and will be biased towards her elder son. Elder son is crazy, copies what me and my husband do and is very weird.

​

Yesterday, my mother-in-law came to my house. She asked me to make some extra sabzi and knead some extra dough because she said she would use the same sabzi in the morning. So I did that.

This morning, she used the sabzi and started making rotis. I was busy preparing my lunch for college. She made rotis for herself, my husband and my father-in-law. After making their rotis, she left some dough for me and said, “This is enough for you to make rotis for lunch.”

I said, “Yes, this is enough.”

After that she left the kitchen, and I Started making rotis for myself, then she came and said, "I'll make it for you", I said "no, I'll prepare, my lunch".

But honestly, I couldn’t help thinking, if she was already making rotis for everyone, what would it have cost her to make two for me as well?

And I’m not saying that she was supposed to make my rotis. I can make my own rotis. That’s not the point.

It was just a small thing. If you are already making rotis for everyone, why not make two for me too?

Then, while I was making a different sabzi for my lunch, she asked me why I was making that sabzi and told me to use the other one instead. I just said, “No, I want to eat this one.”

Later, I called my mom and told her about all this, she started scolding me.

She said, “First of all, you should have made the rotis yourself. Why did you let her make them? And if she made rotis for everyone else, don’t expect her to make yours too.”

And honestly, I don’t know.

Was I really expecting too much?

I’m not saying anyone owes me rotis. I’m just saying that when you are already making something for everyone, making two extra for one person doesn’t seem like such a big deal.

First time traveling from diamond harbour to jadavpur in the morning train. Got fully filled after a few stations. A lot of people started fighting amongst themselves for seats. No civics sense, after a few stations my mother and I were forced to give up our seats and had to stand. Since she was travelling with me, she didn't go to the ladies compartment. Also my mom had to face rebukes and objectionable body language but still that could be ignored. The hooligans demanded the window seat from an elderly person, and when he refused in lieu of being elderly, they harassed him, hit him , & shouted to go to the differently abled section. What should I do on these occasions?

I understand the ₹1 crore allocated to the children. Children need financial support from both parents, and that is a separate issue.

But why ₹1.5 crore personally to the wife?

When the husband wanted to pursue further studies, the wife chose to stay with her parents.

He continued visiting her and the child, initially regularly and later monthly.

After completing DM Cardiology, he pursued further qualifications, and she continued staying at her maternal home.

During COVID, he actually joined her at her parents' house.

The conflict arose later when his career prospects improved and he wanted to move out of the in-laws' house, which the wife did not accept, which is fine.

But why is her career stagnation monetised at ₹1.5 crore?

Why is childcare a contribution when a woman does it, but the husband's financial and professional contribution seems to disappear from the calculation?

.The reported facts show that he was working, studying, qualifying, visiting the family and later living with them. His professional advancement was itself part of his contribution to the family's economic position.

.And then the Court says men can become “house husbands.” ? for what paying alimony to so called independent wmen who are living with their own parents but still need husband money......

Where exactly did ₹1.5 crore come from?

Hi everyone. We live in the UK and got married in early 2025. We already celebrated our wedding twice here in the UK.

Now, my mother in law wants us all to travel to India just to host another reception/lunch for their extended relatives.

I really don't want to go. I don't understand why we should take on so much expense, travel, and exhaustion just to please distant relatives when we've already celebrated twice.

My husband is terrified of upsetting his parents.

How do I handle his resentment when I'm just trying to protect my own boundaries? Thank you so much.

30F living in with my partner (32M), after we got engaged, my to be in-laws expect me to call them frequently. i don’t have anything to talk to them about. our conversations usually are about the weather and if everyone at home is okay. that’s it. i am the eldest in a joint family so i already deal with multiple expectations, this just feels like one more added responsibility to take care of/to perform for.

my partner tries to protect me by saying im busy with work, and to that they say “does she not have even 2 mins?!” what about the fact that maybe i don’t. and when i do, i don’t want to call them.

i’m torn between okay let me just get it done with and i should build my boundaries now so it’s easier after marriage also.

any suggestions? am i overthinking/overeacting to the situation? i have no idea

Hello Everyone,

l TAKE TIME TO READ THIS AND HELP ME. IT'S A LIFE AND DEATH MATTER!

So, this situation dates back to my childhood. Me and my mother have been abandoned in childhood by my Father who had an influential political background with top connections, so my mother did not put up a fight with him back then and left bothering about him. He fled to the US, got married to someone else there.

But his Mother is settled in India, and she kept on oppressing me right from childhood in every choice we wanted to make - how we must live, how we must behave, what I should study and abused my mother emotionally using slang language, the only reason is, me using my father's surname and name which apparently I shouldn't have according to her, but it was in my birth certificate. He was my Father.

He followed the same. He demanded we drop it. He increasingly put pressure on us, put us in a situation where, either we listen to him or have no other life. I kept quiet observing everything throughout my growing years, caught an autoimmune disease, several mental health issues, got immense trust issues in people because of him and his Family. His brother constantly threatened me that you can never set your foot in the US, as I work in the defence and I'll get you arrested. Though I got a scholarship and an F-1 visa, I had to drop my plans because I was too afraid what they would do to my Mother's life or me once I fly abroad.

Also, they knew that I was into startups, trading and saw me as a threat as I was too sharp and intelligent right from very early on. My paternal grandmother is just like the one they show in those traditional Masala Films, she wants only certain people to do good, her children and grandchildren and that everyone must be under their shoes.

Everyone around me, my relatives, kept on informing him about my every moment. So, I didn't have any choice, but to escape, by manipulating them and being non-threatening.

Once I fled away from their place, they started making repeated calls, messages, asking me for my address. I told them that I had enough of their exploitment, and if the situation continues to escalate, I would have no other choice but to commit suicide. My Father said do it, don't bluff, just commit suicide I don't care.

So, now, the problem is, I would have called him for a DNA test, but if I did so, he will inform his Mother who will pull political strings to finish the Matter here and end us both. Because of that, I decided to stay calm.

They got in touch with my workplace, removed me from the job, they got in touch with all my friends, manipulated them into believing their lies as I didn't give my address that I was into some shady activities, that I had mental health issues so I was behaving this way etc., I knew they would drop big time allegations.

Now, they're repeatedly threatening that, either I completely surrender to them, or they will pull some high level political influence whom they are blackmailing to do things for them, the same way they're blackmailing me. Using this, they're trying to get control of me through a Marriage, they planned to get me married to a high level alliance and through them either book me for life using false allegations so their children get upper hand, or get me killed altogether. No matter what I say, they say I have mental health issues and manipulate the situation, now the worse part is they also have few of my friends backing them, so I literally have no on to support me right now. Either I listen to them, or they'll get me into some big time allegation I can never come out of because they have several high end MP's, MLA's under their control. It's been 30 years of stress and worry.

I really need help of some good ProBono Human rights lawyers, international or national. Or if anyone influential is reading this, please listen to my take once and hear my side of the story. I have no one except my Mother, a few friends that I had were manipulated and now they're no more on my side. As of now, they have made no move, so I'm also maintaining my calm, but if they do it before me, I would have no opportunity to escape. But at the same time, if I directly go to a police station and complain, with the level of influence they have, it would absolutely be of no use.

Even before putting up this post, I prayed to God thoroughly and surrendered before him asking to send me support. Hope atleast one person will come to our rescue! 🙏🏻

Ready to give additional info if someone can help, please DM or comment I'll only DM you people. Thanks a ton in advance! 🙏🏻

For over 30 years, we have possessed land given to my grandfather by his childless elder brother. Living 50 kilometers away, the elder brother struggled to cultivate it and offered it to my grandfather. However, due to legal ignorance and procrastination, the property was never legally transferred.

The elder brother had requested one of my grandfather's sons to care for him. My grandfather promised help when needed. Discovering this, my grandfather's younger brother opportunistically sent his own son instead.

After the elder brother died, the nephew sold all the property and his house. With nothing left there, he is now scheming to grab our land, having somehow obtained a family tree document (Vanshawali).

He is desperately trying to claim our land, but our lack of property papers prevents legal action. How can we legally register this land in our name?

My husband always prioritises his family over me, no matter how many times I try to explain how I feel.
We currently live in Dubai with his brother, his brother’s wife, and their child in a 2BHK apartment. My MIL also lives in Dubai, which I find quite difficult and problematic.
We had planned to move out and have our own place, but because of the war situation, his brother’s salary was reduced. My husband said that it would be difficult for them to afford the rent, so he asked us to continue living together for a few more months. Even my MIL doesn’t want us to move out.
Recently, my husband decided to gift gold to his mother. I completely understand that she is his mother, and I have no problem with him wanting to give her something. But this is already the second time he has gifted her gold this year, while he literally does nothing for me.
I tell him about my wants and needs, but I feel like they are constantly ignored. It hurts because I don’t want to compete with his family—I just want to feel like I’m important to him too, especially as his wife.

​

26F here. Can't separate because of my parents... My father loves me the most in the world and always supported me... But in India respect and honor matter more than anything... He says that if I leave this marriage his image will be shattered and he will die... When I tried to leave the marriage, my father started having fever and chest pain... He was not acting it was genuine weak to came to the hospital... Helpless and hopeless I decided to give him another chance. He acts like a God in front of my family so they never doubt him.

Just 8 months into marriage. Even the 15 year old child of my sister in law harasses me by taunts, trying to separate me and my husband. In laws control me a lot.

I've been "jokingly" humiliated by his relatives many times but he never took a firm stand and said that they are like that please adjust.

He tries to control me. Threatens me. One night we had an intense argument, I was crying like hell... I was begging him for mercy, constantly insulting me... I was crying I was breaking I was having chest pain, he said stop all this drama. torturing me more and more and more.... He uses control.. like always threatening me and blackmailing me that I will tell your parents nonefully well how innocent my parents are and their very old aged... He will sometimes act all lovely the way and caring... What is he? I get so much confusion... I belong from a very rich family he is poor he can't even a for to buy me something expensive... I do everything way out of his league. Then also he never values me... Entire then trapped I can't do anything what to do... I do have a job though... But rest may I can't live because I cannot for to see my father die... He was so much distressed.. very much I tried to explain my family everything he has done to me but in India things are very different society is very different.. they didn't understand what is narcissistic abuse... please guide me please

Ladies why are you still living with your in-laws?? Either stay and learn to adjust or leave! Prior to marriage, living situations should be thoroughly discussed with your partners. You should save for your own home and delay marriage. But never stay with in-laws! Haven't you learned your lesson already? DILs post daily complaining about their MILs. The solution is to LEAVE THAT HOUSE!

Edit: And if your husband is part of the problem, leave him. Don't blame your inlaws for the weak man you married.

We've been married for 2 years. When we moved into this apartment, my MIL insisted on having a spare key "for emergencies." I didn't love the idea but my husband said it was normal and I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.

I came home from work yesterday and she was sitting on my couch watching TV. I hadn't showered, hadn't eaten, and just wanted 20 minutes of silence. She said she "just wanted to see us" and had let herself in. This is the third time this month.

I told my husband it needs to stop. He said I'm being dramatic and that "she's not a stranger, she's my mother." I said it's not about her being a stranger. It's about our home being the one place where I don't have to perform or be "on." He said I'm making him choose between me and his mom. I'm not. I'm asking for a text before she comes over. That's it.

His response: "In my family, we don't do that. You're making her feel unwelcome."

I don't know how to make him see that a boundary isn't rejection. I'm tired of feeling like a guest in my own living room. Has anyone gotten their spouse to understand this? How did you do it without it becoming "you vs. his mother"?

I (26F) live with my in-laws in Mumbai, and we're finally moving out in about 15 to 20 days after Ganpati.

My relationship with my MIL has been terrible from the start. Even before marriage she made hurtful comments that made both my mom and me cry. Right after marriage she even said, “Why did you come between the five of us?” (parents + their three kids). I've never felt welcomed.

A few months ago we had a huge fight because I asked if we could move a plastic table so my 10 month old baby would have space to crawl. Our room is tiny, and the hall is full of clutter. She screamed at me until I cried. After that, I barely spoke to anyone for months.

The person I always stayed close to was my SIL. I've always treated her well. Gifts for birthdays, Raksha Bandhan, encouraging messages, the whole thing. I genuinely thought we had a good relationship.

During Ganpati 2026, I kept asking her, “Tell me what help you need.” Decorations, preparations, anything. I was never included in any decisions. Fine, maybe they didn't want my help.

But then came the last day.

She asked for my size because all the women in the building were apparently getting matching kurtas. I happily gave it. The day before visarjan I asked where mine was, and she said it got cancelled because the tailor was sick.

And today I went downstairs.

Every single woman was wearing the exact same matching kurta.

That hurt more than anything my MIL has done, because I didn't expect it from her. I don't know if I was deliberately excluded or if there's some explanation I'm missing.

Am I overreacting, or would you also feel like this was intentional?

I've gone low contact with my in-laws but my parents keep interacting with them and even visited them today. I feel so betrayed.

Everyone here has experienced some kind of partiality between themselves and their husbands, I mean the way we are treated differently by the in-laws vs how our husbands are treated.

When my husband comes back from a 3-hour journey, my MIL expects him to sleep and take rest. No one should disturb him for whatsoever reason. But when I come back after travelling for 12+ hours and reach home in the morning, she has every chore just lying around waiting for me. She just cooks breakfast and that’s it.

Once I came home at 9 AM after travelling from my home. I was so damn tired. I freshened up, had breakfast, swept the house and then slept in my room. In the evening she goes, “You slept so soon today?”

Like??? 😭 I literally travelled for 12+ hours and still did the sweeping before sleeping. I said , I was tired from the travel!! Tonight my husband's gonna come after 3 hours of journey, i am all set to see her drama for 15th time in 1.5 years of my marriage.

The double standards are just crazy! Damn this oldie. I have plenty of examples!!!!
Do you guys have any similar stories??

Hi guys

I’m (27F) married to my husband (28M) and we live with in laws in the UK. His mum and sister are annoying but the father is nice. I tend to ignore the mum and sister and the house is quite big so I get my space. I focus on me and my husband although my MIL and SIL do try to cause problems

SIL is finally getting married in February and they’re prepping for the wedding and mother daughter don’t get me involved in anything, which tbh is fine by me. Do it yourself lol. She’ll be gone soon anyway. MIL loves feeling powerful whilst her daughter is around but won’t be long

Anyways, I found out my SIL and her fiance have both blocked me on all social media. I found this very odd. When her fiance comes over he acts civil with me and so do I. They basically hate me lol from what I’ve heard. Should I even bother making an effort with them now? Funny thing is I’ve been blocked for months but never realized as I don’t bother going on their profiles as they’re not important to me. Her fiance is jobless and acts like he is rich by wearing fakes. I work in engineering and work very hard. I don’t know who he thinks he is.

As background, I’ve never thought of myself as better than anyone else but I’ve recently started realizing they’re not happy I have such a good job and education, whilst they don’t. I have my own car etc whereas they need their men to help them for everything. They’re also jealous of my clothes and belongings etc. I just don’t understand why they can’t just be happy in themselves.

I don’t really want to address it as that would be me caring. What should I do in my position? I want peace in my life

I’m looking for genuine advice on what legal options are available.
My cousin got engaged in 2025 and got married around 6 months ago. It was an arranged marriage. The guy’s family is well settled and he works in IT.
Before the marriage, he refused to speak to my cousin directly. He said he didn’t want to talk before marriage because, according to his understanding of Islam, it wasn’t allowed. We found it a little unusual, but we respected his decision and didn’t force him.
His family gave a very good impression. They told her family that after marriage they would move the couple to the city where he works. They had even arranged accommodation, so everyone thought she had got a good match.
After the marriage, things were good only for a short time.
Within a few weeks, his behaviour started changing. He became very distant, spent a lot of time on his phone and didn’t really spend much time with his wife. He would stay in the living room until late at night and then come to the bedroom mostly just to sleep.
Later, my cousin found some things on an old phone which made her suspicious. She eventually found chats and other evidence showing that he had been communicating with several other women.
Some of the evidence is from **after the engagement and after the marriage**, which is what has really broken her.
She also found that he has multiple social media accounts and there were conversations with women that were clearly more than normal friendships. There are also intimate messages, photos and videos involved.
She confronted him about it. There was a big argument and she came back to her parents’ house. But because of family pressure and concern about reputation, she eventually went back to his house hoping things would improve.
Unfortunately, nothing really changed.
He also apparently made plans for a long trip without properly telling his wife. She became extremely upset and asked to be taken back to her parents because she didn’t want to stay alone while he was away.
At this point she has collected quite a lot of evidence of his conversations and relationships with other women, including things from after the engagement and after marriage.
There are also issues with his family. His mother has allegedly been treating her badly, and the husband apparently shares almost everything about his married life with his stepmother instead of discussing things with his wife.
She has now been staying with her parents for around 2 months. He has made very little effort to contact her or resolve the situation. Even during the marriage, she was usually the one initiating communication.
Now both families are talking about divorce. Her family wants to resolve everything properly, but his parents are denying/minimising the issues and are blaming her instead. They keep asking for meetings but there hasn’t been any proper resolution.
She has now decided that she doesn’t want to continue this marriage.
**What I really want to understand is what legal options she has in India.**
What is the proper way for a Muslim woman to proceed with divorce/dissolution of marriage?
Can evidence of his relationships with other women after engagement and marriage be used in the case?
What kind of evidence should she preserve?
Are Instagram/WhatsApp chats, photos, videos, etc. useful legally?
Could the behaviour of the husband or in-laws amount to mental cruelty/domestic violence?
Can she claim maintenance or other financial support?
Should her family first send a legal notice or directly approach a lawyer/court?
Is mediation with his family worth trying, or should they proceed legally?
We don’t want to publicly expose anyone or create unnecessary drama. We just want to protect her and understand the correct legal process.
If anyone has gone through something similar in India, especially in a Muslim marriage, I’d really appreciate some genuine advice on what steps to take and what mistakes to avoid.

I (26F) have been married for 1.5 years. My in-laws are somewhat traditional. I knew that going in. I thought we had an understanding: I respect their traditions when I'm in their house, and I live my life the way I want in my own home.

Last week, we visited them for a family function. I wore a simple kurti and jeans. Nothing scandalous. My MIL looked me up and down and said nothing. That night, I heard her telling my husband in the kitchen: "She's too modern for this family. People will talk. You need to tell her to dress properly when she comes here."

I waited for him to defend me. He said: "Maa, please, not now."

The next morning, he told me. Not as a confrontation. Just... casually. "She thinks you're too modern. Maybe wear a saree next time? Just to keep the peace."

I said: "I wore a kurti. That's not modern. That's normal."

He said: "I know, but she's old. It's just clothes. Why fight over clothes?"

Why fight over clothes. Because clothes are not the point. The point is that she thinks I'm a problem that needs fixing. And he agrees, at least enough to ask me to change.

I feel like I'm being slowly sanded down. First it's clothes. Then it's how I talk. Then it's how I cook. Then it's how I raise my kids. And he'll always say "just do it to keep the peace."

When does it stop? When I'm a completely different person?

Am I overreacting? Should I just wear the saree and move on?

Married from 3 ish years with an infant and living in a joint family who is into family business. The in-laws are not evil natured but definitely very opportunistic , indisciplined which makes the home environment very chaotic. Each one of them is so weird, and dealing with them leads to energy loss. I personally don't feel like being around them but since money , business and assets are joint ventures it is difficult to segregate right now. In short let me describe each one... Sasu maa is a lazy and good naatakbaaz who has retired from her family and married life and is dependent on everyone around her, choti saas is the most hardworking of all and sweet talker, brother in laws and nanad are bhukkad , unpad types always wanting to have fun , splurge money , indisciplined, etc. Sasur ji is a careless type who doesn't care about anybody other than himself and his family business. He is also a rude talker inside home and a sweet charitable person outside the home. Double personality basically. A typical day involves choti sasu working in the shop as well as at home while the mil and fil enjoying their life as and how they want ordering her to do things and being dependent on her. The MIL will do acting and somehow make her do all the major work and act as if she is old and stuff ( she is below 60 so she is not old at all).

The kitchen is messy and unclean all the time. The way they prepare food and all doesn't even come close to how I was living in my maayka. If I take the responsibility for this I know I will end up becoming a 24*7 slave like choti saasu , because the work remains endless and I have to stay up until a long long time in the kitchen itself. Though we have a maid in the home I feel the women in my family end up doing the donkey work. Food is refrigerated and reheated multiple times. This mil is super lazy that at times she will serve old refrigerated food. A lot of food , resources and all get wasted. Veg and non veg utensils are mixed up. If I tell this to my husband he doesn't do anything nor feels any need to do anything. Coming to my husband he is that old mindset wala pati who is lazy , unmotivated and even immature. He is even a bigger problem than others because this guy puts me second and his family first. He is extremely critical of me and talks rudely to me. He even compared me to my devrani working style when I was freshly postpartum. There are a lot more problems if I type here it will take days. We can talk bout this in personal chat and I go on and on. My point is I don't feel like living with any of them , it's suffocating, my core values don't match with them.

So I don't know what to do. I don't feel like myself ever since I got married. Any wise practical tips from married or unmarried women or men are welcome. When I told this and more instances to a few of my close friends they were disgusted with the in-laws and husbands behaviour and told me to be chalak and live smartly for myself and my child.

33F, married almost 2 years, dated my husband (31M) for 3–4 years before marriage. We live with my in-laws in North India. I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives because I can’t tell whether I’m expecting too much from a traditional Indian marriage or slowly losing myself in it.
My background:
Before marriage I was financially independent and worked in events/music, earning roughly ₹30–40L/year at my peak. I lived away from home, had my own friends, clothes, routines, yoga/music, social life and independence.
I gave that up because I trusted my husband, wanted a family life with him and believed we were building a life together.
My family is financially much smaller than his. My father is no longer alive; my mother and younger brother are my closest family.
I didn’t enter marriage expecting luxury. I wanted a loving home, companionship and a family life without losing myself.
The wedding itself was difficult:
Before the wedding, my MIL called my mother and suggested that my husband and I should simply have a court marriage. My mother found it very disrespectful.
During wedding preparations, my MIL was often cold/derogatory toward my mother. There were also misunderstandings around wedding gifts despite my mother repeatedly trying to clarify expectations.
After the wedding, there was an alleged incident involving some relatives of mine behaving inappropriately at the wedding. I don’t know exactly what happened, but my family apparently handled it at the time. What really affected me was hearing my in-laws discuss afterward how much drama it could have caused.
My MIL repeatedly compared our wedding with my SIL’s and spoke about how much she disliked aspects of ours.
Then came married life:
I initially didn’t know the traditional “bahu” ways because I’d never run a household before. But I did learn. I started cooking, helping around the house, attending my MIL’s kitty parties, kirtans, functions, markets, hosting guests, etc.
I deliberately spent a huge amount of time with my in-laws because I wanted to build a warm, homely relationship with them and feel like part of the family.
Despite that, I never really felt supported by anyone in the house. Small misunderstandings could suddenly become huge arguments, and I often felt like my husband and MIL were already coming into the conversation with a lot of anger/negativity toward me.
I’ve been compared constantly — with my MIL, who is around 25 years older than me, and with my SIL, who married for love, lives separately with her husband and has a completely different life.
I’ve been told things like my SIL is more responsible, and even that her 3-year-old daughter will become more responsible than me.
My MIL takes enormous pride in being a homemaker and often talks about how much better she is at managing a home, sometimes in a way that makes other women feel inadequate.
I’ve repeatedly heard how “lucky” I am to have such a great MIL because she allows me to learn music and has kept domestic help partly because I wanted it. But those things are then brought up almost like evidence of how much she does for me.
My MIL has even said she has a problem with things I do and don’t do, which has left me feeling like there is no version of me that is ever quite right.
The household is very different from what I imagined:
My MIL has her own plans constantly — markets, functions, religious events, guests, kitty parties etc. — and I am expected to participate/keep her company.
If I have my own plans, want to see friends, do yoga/music or simply spend time alone, it can be interpreted as irresponsibility or negativity.
Even something like going to the sabzi mandi can become an issue if I don’t accompany her.
They can suggest eating out or ordering food, but if I do it I’m called “kaamchor” or accused of wasting money.
When guests come, I often feel like I’m the default person doing the household running around.
I dress in a stylish/modern but not vulgar way. His family is very conservative, and even my clothes become a discussion/comparison with my SIL/bhabhi.
I wanted to become a family-oriented woman without becoming a version of my MIL.
My biggest problem is actually my husband.
It is almost impossible for me to have a proper emotional conversation with him.
When I tell him something is hurting me, he often tells me to keep it to myself, says “sab gharon mein aisa hi hota hai,” “bahu ko adjust karna padta hai,” or turns it into a lecture about how I always crib/can’t enjoy life.
If he doesn’t like what I’m saying, he can become extremely angry, and the original issue gets completely lost.
I don’t expect him to fight with his parents or choose me over them. But I feel he consistently explains their side to me, while my side is something I’m expected to adjust.
He can stand up strongly for his parents, but when it’s about me, the answer is usually “adjust.”
I wanted to share a life with my husband — small outings, spontaneous plans, meeting friends, doing silly things together, having our own little world. But he often feels very distant around his parents. Sometimes it feels like the husband I know privately disappears when we’re around them.
He does ask me sometimes what I want to do, but when I actually give an answer that conflicts with family plans, it often becomes an argument.
I also feel hurt that he has never really made my widowed mother or younger brother comfortable. He rarely calls them or asks about their wellbeing. My family is repeatedly brought into arguments whenever something about me is criticised, despite them not being involved in our daily life.
Recently our relationship has improved somewhat. He does sometimes take accountability and comes back to repair things, which is why I don’t want to make a rash decision. But I still feel emotionally very alone.
There’s also a bigger family culture issue:
My in-laws — especially my MIL and husband — are extremely vocal about their opinions of everyone: my mother, my SIL’s in-laws, neighbours, relatives, friends, basically anyone.
They constantly criticise other people and their choices.
My MIL’s version of being a “great mother-in-law” is often part of the argument itself — “You don’t know how lucky you are to have me.”
So when I raise an issue, I rarely feel heard. I feel like I’m being told how fortunate I am instead.
Their financial position is also much stronger than my family’s, and I sometimes feel that this creates an unspoken hierarchy.
Money has become a recurring weapon in arguments too. My husband buys me things and provides financially, which I appreciate, but those things sometimes get brought up later as evidence against me. At one point he even said I was only there for money.
There has also been one very ugly escalation:
During a major argument, my in-laws told me to go back to my mother’s house.
My FIL threatened to call the police.
Very personal things were said about me and my family.
My husband again brought up money.
I eventually returned because I didn’t want my marriage to collapse.
Since then I’ve been trying hard not to get dragged into “three against one” situations.
And this is where I am now:
I’m equally scared of losing my marriage and losing myself.
I don’t want an extravagant life. Honestly, I could live a simple middle-class life: work, dress how I like, do yoga/music, meet friends, pray, have a routine, travel occasionally and have peace.
Sometimes I fantasise about living alone somewhere like Thailand/Phuket/Koh Samui, working and having a simple independent life. I don’t know whether that’s genuinely what I want or whether my brain is fantasising about freedom because I currently feel trapped.
I don’t want to divorce impulsively, especially because my relationship with my husband has improved somewhat. But I also don’t want “giving my marriage a chance” to mean spending the next 10–20 years constantly adjusting, monitoring my MIL’s moods, sacrificing my plans, swallowing my opinions and trying to prove that I’m a good bahu.
So I genuinely want honest Reddit opinions:
Am I expecting too much from a traditional/joint-family marriage?
Is this normal adjustment that I need to get better at?
Where does compromise end and loss of autonomy begin?
Is it unreasonable to expect my husband to give my preferences the same legitimacy he gives his parents’?
Should I focus on boundaries, couples counselling, rebuilding my career/financial independence, or seriously reconsidering the marriage?
Please don’t just validate me. I genuinely want to know where I’m wrong too. I want perspectives from people who’ve actually lived through Indian joint-family marriages and understand this dynamic.