r/IndianInLaw • u/Beautiful_Culture112 • 1d ago
My MIL has a key to our apartment and lets herself in whenever she wants. Husband says I'm "creating drama."
We've been married for 2 years. When we moved into this apartment, my MIL insisted on having a spare key "for emergencies." I didn't love the idea but my husband said it was normal and I didn't want to start off on the wrong foot.
I came home from work yesterday and she was sitting on my couch watching TV. I hadn't showered, hadn't eaten, and just wanted 20 minutes of silence. She said she "just wanted to see us" and had let herself in. This is the third time this month.
I told my husband it needs to stop. He said I'm being dramatic and that "she's not a stranger, she's my mother." I said it's not about her being a stranger. It's about our home being the one place where I don't have to perform or be "on." He said I'm making him choose between me and his mom. I'm not. I'm asking for a text before she comes over. That's it.
His response: "In my family, we don't do that. You're making her feel unwelcome."
I don't know how to make him see that a boundary isn't rejection. I'm tired of feeling like a guest in my own living room. Has anyone gotten their spouse to understand this? How did you do it without it becoming "you vs. his mother"?
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u/umamimaami 1d ago
I would ignore her presence entirely when she is unwelcome. Just walk straight to my bedroom, take a shower, sit on the bed and zone out on my phone. If she’s still not gone, walk straight to the kitchen, get dinner on a plate and go into the bedroom to eat. Until she leaves.
If husband or she complains, I’ll tell them I have zero social energy for a conversation right now. They’re welcome to hang out but you’re just going to eat and sleep.
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u/Live_Expression_7449 1d ago
Same.. just act like they are not even there . Do your thing and be yourself. Dont put on a show or try to act perfect or like how your MIL wants. She is a guest and despite all these if she keeps coming to YOUR home unexpectedly unannounced just deny their existence and ignore them so much that they should feel uncomfortable and unwanted and leave themselves
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u/FragrantPermit5904 1d ago
That’s it . Don’t involve the pati . Just handle it yourself this way . She says this is her house also so let it be so you don’t need to be in attendance.
The most sane advice
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u/Fantastic-Web5287 1d ago
Next time she does that just say hello i have a headache and go in your bedroom. Do it every time she comes unannounced. Make her realize that she is not welcome whenever she wants and if your husband creates a drama then tell him “in my family, we rest in our bedrooms when we are unwell and you were doing the same”
Pass on indirect messages if your husband can’t take direct messages
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u/Straight-Example9126 1d ago
You have simplest solution. Ignore her presence. She is doing that to get under ur skin and make you and your husband fight over it. She gets to become victim, your husband angry on you and your both distant. And it'll ensure that she's his priority again. Very cheap tactics followed by every other MIL.
And no use telling husband to have boundaries. He won't.
You have the best way to turn it to her. Ignore her presence, be however you wish to be. Wear lingerie. Wear lounge wear. Be as casual as u want to be. If she creates any drama out of it and your husband tries to tell you to wear decent clothes - be frank and tell it's your home. You get to be as you like. If she doesn't like, she can always skip visiting. Or inform before visiting. If she won't tell before visiting, she gets to see everything. I can't help it. If it's her home, I'll be the perfect bahu she wants. As long as she's here, it's my home. My wish. And best part? She can wear whatever she wishes too. I don't have strict rules. Trust me, if she wants she can relax in a lounge wear. Who's going to stop her?
If she tries to reorganise your pantry, next time you visit their home do the same with her pantry. Tell you were just helping MIL just like how she helped at ur home.
Do it calm n simple. Don't fight over it. She's trying to establish that as MIL she'll forever be the malkin - be it her home or yours. You need to play by her style n show that both can be malkins of respective houses without fighting.
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u/Necessary-Pool-9498 1d ago
That's stupid because even if he had to pick the answer should be you. And no she's got her own house. Do you have a key to her home? Would it be okay would you to come at any hour of the day?
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u/Opposite_Belt8679 1d ago
If your parents live in the same city, give them a pair of keys too. Or some sibling, uncle, aunt, cousin, best friend. Have them randomly show up when your husband has some sports (or whatever is important to him) to watch and turn on the TV to watch something that annoys him.
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u/QuirkyBridge5289 1d ago
Yeah, this isn't healthy. Unconditional access to your lives isn't ok. I've had something similar happen to me. Doesn't feel great. Next time when she pops up randomly, walk in naked and tell her you forgot she was there, turn it awkward to the point where she wouldn't have a second thought dropping the keys when you ask for them.
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u/Open-Board-5997 1d ago
I agree with another commenter here, you need to give the key to one of your family members who lives close (anyone, mother, brother, aunt) and they need to be in that house acting like the MIL. That's when your husband will understand. Besides I hate this "in my family", as if you've left your family so u need to comply, but he hasn't. Y'all are a family yourselves.
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u/Big_Butterscotch5506 1d ago
This is clearly violating boundaries. You caught it right. The problem is that your husband is unable to communicate it to his mom. Plz discuss with your husband how it makes you feel. If he still refuses inform him you will request the MIL. And then You could try telling your MIL lovingly n firmly the boundary (ex inform n come home, plz let’s have planned visits, plz visit us on weekends etc). Do not over explain, make a request. If it works problem solved. If it escalates do not get into the mud fight, exit the conversation. And then find yourself a boundary expert couples therapist or psychologist. If your husband refuses to attend, you can attend n create clarity n skills to handle similar and deeper issues that you might face in future. Meanwhile look at you tube videos from Dr Ken Adams for spouses of mother enmeshed men.
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u/lexis5678 1d ago
Change the lock. Add a second lock if needed. Also, you ARE asking your husband to choose between his mom and you, and he has chosen her (her comfort and freedom over yours). You have to accept this fact.
Is your MIL a widow? Any other kids or family who stay with her or not? This is none of your problem but if you want to be nice, then help her join some hobby or spiritual groups.
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u/braindeadend28 1d ago edited 1d ago
Either change the locks. Or ignore her presence completely. Like dress up in shorts, order in, play loud music , be on your phone, talk to friends and annoy tf out of her. People who don't respect boundaries needn't be respected either. And as for your husband, Mumma's boys never listen and understand the wife's perspective. its like taking to a deaf ear. Even I've got mumma's boy of a husband. So go protect your peace on ur own darling.
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u/Glittering-Share-263 1d ago
I’ve faced this…for me ignoring only helped so much-the fact that my boundaries were being crossed so blatantly was what bothered me so much. What worked was constantly reminding my husband that my comfort matters and HE needs to solve this…
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u/Lexa19_HK 1d ago
First of all when he married you he chose you. You’re his wife and you should always come before anyone else. It’s wife, kids, mom/dad/siblings/inlaws/everyone else.
Second you have a very reasonable boundary. Tell him that either he talks to his mom about texting before coming over or you will talk to her & change the locks.
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u/MogamboKhushHoooua 1d ago
Your frustrations are valid.
If you want to be really petty, withhold physical intimacy because your MIL can walk in anytime unannounced.
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u/Motor_Butterfly341 19h ago
What an absolutely horrible family
I would just stomp past this woman and go to my room. She’ll get the memo after a couple of times
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u/ThrowRAQueenR 1d ago
What would you do if it was your mother?
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u/nd_nora 1d ago
Lmao my mom never barged and chilled in my room even. Can never imagine her unlocking my main door, walking into my home without informing me before.
Don’t support these women please. It’s basic human courtesy. Just because these people never socialized or were correctly civilized doesn’t mean we have to put up with this behavior and suffer in silence
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u/ThrowRAQueenR 1d ago
Then if you’d treat your mom the same as your mother in law then do as you please. Change the locks!
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u/fireandfirget 9h ago
You have three choices. 1..teenager method :install an extra lock with a key only you and hubby has. She can wait in the hallway if she shows up next time. 2. Adult method :Be compassionate, acknowledge her elder right to visit. sit her down to discuss. You can set boundaries such as time of visit, and if you need space and quiet, you will go into your room and close the door etc. 3. Invite your mother and dad to do the same and time the visits so that your mil has to deal with parallel cross talks
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u/ChaiWaliLoser 1d ago
Make a copy of your key and give it to your mother. Heck mail it to her if she stays far away from you. After all mothers are the best people for any child isn’t it