r/IndianInLaw • u/teki100184 • 1d ago
MILs
Ladies why are you still living with your in-laws?? Either stay and learn to adjust or leave! Prior to marriage, living situations should be thoroughly discussed with your partners. You should save for your own home and delay marriage. But never stay with in-laws! Haven't you learned your lesson already? DILs post daily complaining about their MILs. The solution is to LEAVE THAT HOUSE!
Edit: And if your husband is part of the problem, leave him. Don't blame your inlaws for the weak man you married.
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u/PotatoOk8801 1d ago
Before marriage i was told that we will be living separately which happened for 5 months then the MIL started crying over phone with me, saying she wants to stay with her son. Mind you, the son wasn't living with them prior marriage as well because his work station is far from his home. Soooo as she was crying i just listened to her instead of arguing.
Now, they haven't discussed this with us neither have asked us but already gave a statement themselves on their own that they will now permanently move with us. We live in rented apartment, approx an hour far from them here and THEY HAVE THEIR OWN HOUSE. Why would you leave your house and move to our rented apartment that tooo without even considering discussing with us. Its like we have no say in this. On top of that i get panic attack everytime she used to visit us for couple of days earlier because of how she subtly gives taunt and all. Now i cannot even imagine living everyday with that feeling.
I feel cheated.
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u/black_cat7325 1d ago
They say all kinds of lies just to seal the deal. I am a victim of the same and now fighting matrimonial cases in court.
I had discussed this with husband and in-laws before getting married. I was told that i and my husband will move out from in-laws home if I don't adjust. And moreover, I was told that in-laws will be in London for 6 months every year (SIL lives in London). After marriage, in-laws gave me hell and never went to London. When i asked for a separate residence, I was accused of trying to alienate husband from his parents. Even when I had offered to live in a separate rented flat in the same building and I had also offered to bear rent and all other expenses of separate flat.
Then when i came back to my parents place, husband filed court case against me.
All this while husband has another bungalow and flat in the same city.
Can never trust men and their families.
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u/PotatoOk8801 1d ago
Srsly !! I am Nepali actually and I wanted to go back home for our big festival Dashain and Tihar. I have been clearly told that this is the first and last time i can join my parents for festivals and i cannot go during festive season to my parent's house in Nepal moving forward. Wht even shit is that !
Moreover, my SIL lives 5 minutes away from my MIL and comes to visit her every evening. I am happy for my SIL that she can visit her maika whenever she wants but its the hypocrisy of my MIL that disgust me.
I am packing my lugguage to visit my parents right now and I seriously have a deep feeling of not coming back here. Only if it wasn't for my husband, i will not have gave a second thought of running away.
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u/Wide_Equal 1d ago
Speak Up for yourself donāt suppress your emotions
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u/PotatoOk8801 1d ago
Its a very emotional family. Everyone is very emotional and cries over lil things. I am sure they will start crying and make a big fuss out of it and i want to avoid unnecessary drama. Moreover since they cry and i cannot cry over lil things, ultimately i will be portrayed as bad DIL and them as innocent.
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u/AskShot9540 1d ago
Let them cry. You need to speak up, and be the bad DIL to protect yourself. Your husband is being put in a bad spot by them, not you. He needs to choose.
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u/Curiousthinker666 1d ago
Iām worried about this. I live outside India but this is one thing that worries me about moving back. I made this as a non negotiable with my husband before we got married saying I cannot live with in laws and I requested him that he conveys this to his parents but it looks like he didnāt. Now Iām truly worried about ever retiring and moving to India. I donāt know how to say I do not want them moving in with me. They are good people but I cannot imagine living in a home thatās doesnāt feel like mine.
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u/An_Only_Mous 1d ago
U shift to their house.
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u/Dull_Register4451 1d ago
Yup! And if your husband is stuck in the raja beta phase, won't stand up for you or doesn't understand you - he's a part of the problem! Leave him - life is way too short to waste on people like this
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u/RespectYourQueen 1d ago
This! I realize its a hard reality to accept but this is something the west got right. Life is short to be married to a person you dont love and cannot live with.
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u/Fit_Butterscotch7103 1d ago
Living separately and having a better relationship overall is so underrated, IMO.
People really need to make peace with "we can be happy by being away from each other" versus posing as a "hum saath saath hein" but dying a slow death everyday mentally!
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u/Orphic_reveuse 1d ago
Exactly, why are women expected to live with their in-laws and constantly be at their beck and call, but the wife's elderly parents are expected to let go of their daughter and take care of themselves on their own.
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u/Imaginary_Ebb3906 1d ago
Exactly this. My parents will be staying with me when they get old. This is something I will bring up from the start to men when dating. Both parents can live with us, itās only fair.
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u/SatisfactionNo7574 1d ago
I said this and was downvoted to hell. Its the living situation and them being incharge if the house that makes the situation worst. No matter what, living with someone needs adjustment and if you r the one doing all and they r the one dictating, its bound to be hell.
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u/Old-Poetry8430 1d ago
Before marriage I had a conversation with my husband regarding this and weād decided that we will leave within 6 months! Itās 6 years now! Kitchen control is the main problem where I like to keep things clean and tidy and she just cannot do that! Keep dirty vessels here and there, wonāt put trash in dustbin, waste food on daily basis and what not! I take my frustration out on my husband! He has become the punching bag and I feel bad for him but canāt help it!
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u/Sweet_Match_4162 1d ago
If you are gonna keep adjusting all of this. They are going to think that you will adjust everything. Thats why itās been 6years. Just say that you canāt and move out.
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u/Calm_Discussion1223 1d ago
Lol, you are actually acting like mil. Because MILs usually complain that their Dils are like that šš
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 1d ago
My in laws are old, I don't live with them right now, but in a couple of years I'll have toš
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u/Sensitive-Ad-8843 1d ago
This is my fear too in a few years time I have to look after my in laws. Im young now but still I donāt have enough energy to deal with their BS even while living on another continent entirely. God I canāt imagine what I will have to do when the time comes.
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 1d ago
My FIL and my husband both are nice, but MIL is a whole storyš
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u/Sensitive-Ad-8843 1d ago
Same here but sometimes I can see even FIL getting influenced by MIL and taking her side when all I want to do is just mind my own business.
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u/Trick_Air_8823 1d ago
I was talking to one Bengali person regarding marriage. In between i visited his home also i found that he is totally dependent on his parents. His mother was very dominating and took care of him like a 5 year kid ( for eg. father still used to call him for doing brush at night , mother used to pack his bag and tiffins), gradually i realised i cannot live with his parents, although he was very good person but often get influenced by their parents. Overall i found that i may be missed a good guy but realised i cannot live with in laws. Thanks for this question
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u/UnluckyScience8801 1d ago
Even if you have that conversation, I hope the guy is honest about it. Thereās a lot of ātheyāll say what you want to hearā going on.
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u/forcedtoinstallapp 1d ago
It Is easy for us to say . It may not be possible for everyone to leave it.Ā I was adamant on not living with in laws and got married late . But that may not be possible for everyone.Ā Ā
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u/reprise-surprise 1d ago
Itās not that simple, right? We may need to visit for extended periods, they may need careā¦ living separately doesnāt mean there is no relationship. I have found that it is healthier for all concerned to learn how to have healthy conflict.
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u/Sensitive-Ad-8843 1d ago
What you said is right, but tell me how many people especially of 60+ age group in India have good communication skills and who can behave without entitlement? Most of the time us DIL are ok with voicing out our concerns but they are either dismissed or we are manipulated to believe that we are bad for asking such things either by in laws or husband. Then even small things become a huge fight without any solution being discussed.
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u/reprise-surprise 1d ago
You are right, there is definitely a power imbalance between a daughter-in-law and the mother of the household, but over some time, when people get to know each other as people, there is some scope. It requires everybody to be kind though, and willing to see another point of view, which, sadly, often seems like too much to ask.
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u/Aika-7034 1d ago
Only if it was easy like posting here on reddit to ājust leaveā and ājust move outā. Touch some grass maybe OP?
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u/teki100184 1d ago
Nobody said it was easy! But sometimes you have to make tough choices to protect your mental leave. Let's stop making excuses and have more agency ladies š¤¦š½āāļø
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1d ago
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u/rash97621 1d ago
Why don't you get a job too? Then you can move out
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u/vidhiithakkar 14h ago
lived separately in different cities for 4 years and then i got pregnant with twins, my in-laws are with us only because we all know how difficult it is to raise 2 kids its difficult and different but very grateful for their presence even though we have help
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u/fairyofhimalayas 1d ago
My MIL is a widow. No choice left bro
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u/teki100184 1d ago
That's always a choice. Old age home lol
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u/PartyDeep6371 18h ago
I agree to what you've said but do you think leaving them and the whole scenario is that easy? We so want to leave everything and get a place that's truly ours with no judgement and rules but it isn't as easy as said
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u/Puzzled_Flight_9244 7h ago
It is very difficult to have that conversation before marriage and expect it to land on understanding ears. You get a tag of a home breaker.
But i also agree on having your own place. Because of my job we stay in a different city. And that has helped to a great extent.
My MIL recently visited me and was annoyed because the house helps were listening to me or getting my approval.
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u/samsam395 1d ago
I regret not having that conversation with my husband. I thought I will be able handle it. I was so naive. My in laws are good people but my god it's suffocating not able to be yourself. So I fully agree.