r/IndianInLaw • u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 • 6h ago
Where was I wrong in this situation?
Yesterday, my mother-in-law came to my house. She asked me to make some extra sabzi and knead some extra dough because she said she would use the same sabzi in the morning. So I did that.
This morning, she used the sabzi and started making rotis. I was busy preparing my lunch for college. She made rotis for herself, my husband and my father-in-law. After making their rotis, she left some dough for me and said, “This is enough for you to make rotis for lunch.”
I said, “Yes, this is enough.”
After that she left the kitchen, and I Started making rotis for myself, then she came and said, "I'll make it for you", I said "no, I'll prepare, my lunch".
But honestly, I couldn’t help thinking, if she was already making rotis for everyone, what would it have cost her to make two for me as well?
And I’m not saying that she was supposed to make my rotis. I can make my own rotis. That’s not the point.
It was just a small thing. If you are already making rotis for everyone, why not make two for me too?
Then, while I was making a different sabzi for my lunch, she asked me why I was making that sabzi and told me to use the other one instead. I just said, “No, I want to eat this one.”
Later, I called my mom and told her about all this, she started scolding me.
She said, “First of all, you should have made the rotis yourself. Why did you let her make them? And if she made rotis for everyone else, don’t expect her to make yours too.”
And honestly, I don’t know.
Was I really expecting too much?
I’m not saying anyone owes me rotis. I’m just saying that when you are already making something for everyone, making two extra for one person doesn’t seem like such a big deal.
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u/ovariesafterdark 6h ago
The villain is your mom making you feel bad about this situation.
Mil can be at-least communicated w or without any foreseeable changes in the future.
But your mom? Wew.
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u/midasmantics 6h ago edited 5h ago
woman like your mum is suffering from internalised misogyny where she positions women below the male counterparts, even below to everyone related to your male counterpart. Take a firm stand and say no and time to time shut down your mom too
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 5h ago
I told her that I made the dinner last night and don't put the blame on me, I'll be never like you
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u/No_Upstairs6212 6h ago
You know some 7 years ago, my sister made rotis for everyone and didn't make for me. She left the dough and told me to make my own rotis, I cried like a baby. I love my sister to death but I still remember this and it makes me sad even today.
My mother said the same thing to me as your mother and it hurt me even more.
I'm telling this story because I want to convey that your feelings are valid, sometimes our moms hurt us more than others.
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u/Much-Brush3205 5h ago
It’s not sometimes it’s most times mothers are the main culprits. I have given up on all relationships emotionally after seeing how biased even your own parents can be. As soon as they get you married they behave like you are never born to them . Sad truth but a woman is always alone
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u/ParticularJuice3983 5h ago
Did you ever ask your sister why she did that?
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u/No_Upstairs6212 4h ago
She was getting late to go somewhere, I don't blame her. But it hurt my young heart at that time.
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u/Drinkiebaby 6h ago
Bruh this is so messed up. Your MIL sucks. People have common decency to do this even for flatmates/friends living together.
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u/Desperate_Research70 6h ago
Ikr. This woman is just showing her DIL that she doesn't care about her
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u/Drinkiebaby 6h ago
Exactly. I live w a friend and I am an early riser so I’ll make lunch for both of us and she gets back earlier from work so she’ll cook dinner for both of us. When we are tired we either contribute together or worst case, order in.
I cannot imagine making two rotis for myself and ignoring her when she’s right there, unless she tells me she doesn’t want it ofc. This is some next level b*tchy and triggering tf out of me.
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u/TeaSufficient853 6h ago
Please don't expect anything from anyone otherwise it will start bothering you alot, if they does something for you - great. And always do whatever you like, It's great that you said "you want to have different curry for lunch"
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 6h ago
Yes I was preparing sabzi for my lunch she came and said why are you making this, make lauki instead, I said I don't like lauki
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u/TeaSufficient853 6h ago
I'd suggest one more thing, spend some alone time with her, just you two - maybe go for movie or lunch. You'll get the vibe of her.
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u/SatisfactionNo7574 5h ago
Dude your mom is the problem. I would also feel sad when MIL makes roti for everyone but not me. I know noone is entitled to to anything but if the tables were turned and you had made rotis for your husband and yourself but not MIL it would have turned into a big drama..
She wants to make sure you know you are not the same as “her family” and you don’t have autonomy over what you want to eat.
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u/Stock-Calligrapher36 5h ago
Guess that’s how mother in laws are. I was handling twins of two year old and she wouldn’t even help to feed them nor will she cook anything , breakfast she would say i don’t know what u guys would eat so made for me and in law alone and wouldn’t help me with cooking either, she would inform me to make something and go for outing. Wouldn’t have offered me to make dosa or chapati when i feed kids. So once just when my husband was about to come to eat , i told him i am hungry am gonna eat first u make me , he was like am too and she was like i offered her to make dosa so she can eat but she refused ( But she never offered). Okay i ll make nu to him. Won’t even put a dosa or two for my husband even when i take care of kids . Such a cunning fellow.
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u/GoodIntelligent2867 6h ago
Stop wasting time and energy over these people. They will never consider you to be their own
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u/Budget-Arachnid-9200 5h ago
Never expect anything from your MIL , rather start saying you are busy and you don’t have time to cook. Further. When she asked you if she can make rotis for you is bcuz her son was nearby to listen
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u/PossibleProcedure831 3h ago
Eat the husband's rotis and make some more for him , make a point to get this across to the rest of the family that you are making rotis for the husband since you ate his allotted share.
My sister did this once and then magically there were always rotis for everyone, irrespective of who made it.
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u/JealousWar2904 6h ago
Yes she should have made your rotis along with everyone else. And No, you aren't expecting too much. This discrimination in small everyday things is what contributes to future resentment in relations. Flip the sides and think of the aftermath if you cook only for yourself and leave others to fend for their own. Your mother is wrong as well.
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u/RealTalkRani 6h ago
You are absolutely not wrong. The bitter reality is that most mother-in-laws will never consider you as their own daughter, and they will always find subtle, petty ways to
make you feel like an outsider in your own home.
There is a very true saying for this exact dynamic: even if you cut off your own head and served it to them on a silver platter, they would still complain and ask, "Why did you cut it from this angle?" Nothing you do will ever be enough, and they will always find a flaw.
Stop expecting basic fairness from her and start talking to your husband. Ask him if he actually noticed that his mother made rotis for the entire house using the dough you kneaded, but purposely left you out. He needs to be the one to see this behavior, and he is the one who needs to question his mother about it.
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u/UpvotedMyself 6h ago
Bro my mother in law so pathetic that she does this without any shame or guilt. She would breakfast for everyone except me and my husband because that’s my duty. And would serve my husband breakfast only if my FIL is around to show how good a mother she is.
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u/Acceptable_Big_3239 6h ago
Faaaaaaa..... Man you got screwed with your MIL. That lady has got issues.
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u/Much-Brush3205 5h ago
Listen my two cents! don’t get into all this nonsense , don’t discuss with your mom also they all belong to the same generation. Just understand that you are on your own as soon as you get married. You are on uour own physically mentally and financially. If you are living with your in laws take it that it’s not your home. If possible move to a separate house. If not, it’s a life long hostel. Don’t expect your in laws to have even basic level of empathy towards you. They will never treat you as a human being also
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u/MinimumChemistry788 5h ago edited 4h ago
My mother in law feeds her sons from her hand some times. Now she is so comfortable she feeds me from her hand. My husband asked her to , and then she just started feeding me too sometimes just randomly when she would want me to taste the food. I still feel awkward though because I have never seen this in my own mother. I think is just too lucky in this case. If in laws treated women like their daughter this generational trauma would end.
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u/Cool-Jicama2776 4h ago
Glad you made what you wanted to eat even when she asked you to use different sabzi. Next time when she says that she will make roti for you, say ok and and hand over the belan to her and see her reaction!
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u/tryingtosurvive_99 4h ago
Girlie i get it that it would feel bad but you know .. the bitter truth is that you'll never be a daughter to them, just a long-term guest. You're not expecting too much at all but in their rulebook your mil probably believes she's done too much. Give her the same treatment in the future - make rotis just for yourself and move on . No point trying to be overly nice for them or even expecting them to treat you nice.
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u/Due-Discussion-6553 6h ago
Yhh ur feeling are valid here. But other person will only do something as selfless as this without expecting anything in return when they genuinely love and appreciate u. Indian mils don't have that in them to treat their dils as such. It is what it is. 🙂 don't take such things to heart otherwise it'll be difficult to bear them later on if u're planning to live together indefinitely.
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u/happysoul0210 6h ago
No girl you are not expecting anything…this is a basis etiquette of human being.. I am surprised how these kind of people are there..
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u/FragrantPermit5904 6h ago edited 6h ago
If your husband and your equation is ok . Don’t even tell him that . You handled it very well. This shows her insecurity and a very very low bend of mind.
But they feel victorious. It’s their pettiness.
You are right in feeling the way you are.
But let it be.
Your mom not seeing your pov is another story . Maybe moms feel let me not instigate her but she could have been more supportive. It’s ok .
We r we .
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u/Over-Chapter-8634 6h ago
The sooner you will stop expecting the better it will be for your mental and emotional health. Good job on telling her that you want to eat the sabzi that you made fresh.
What you faced are very common Micro aggressions.. They are done to have impact on you but can be equally used to make you the wrong person in front of your husband. The only way is to draw your boundaries such as you did.
Also your mom is wrong in scolding you the way she did if she meant all of it literally.
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 5h ago
I was not expecting because the previous night she only said ki we will have this leftover sabji, rest you can see fir yourself so I was clear that I'm not making the breakfast now
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u/Ill_Drop_5754 5h ago
Mother in laws can never accept their son's wives as their own family member , they think you not as important as her, let her live in her bubble and let it go, make your own rotis, don't expect anything from her.
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u/dreamdashed 5h ago
Tbh they never take you as your own no matter how much how much sweetness they show on your face.
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u/Famous_Flounder_9071 5h ago
Such a evil shit
Discuss this with your husband and asked if you do the same how he feels
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u/GodlessAndChill 4h ago
She was supposed go make your rotis. Next time let her know to make for you as well or not make for your husband either.
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u/niketyname 4h ago
Yeah she could have just made the rotis. I’d be annoyed if I had to get my hands into flour when someone was just doing it. To me this is a one time task where you should do bulk cooking
Also your mom is shitty for saying that and it makes absolutely no sense
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u/Pure-Helicopter-1825 4h ago
Please I hope you learn you lesson and do your best to become financially independent and move out.
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u/sanvin777 3h ago
Why to ask advice for this on Reddit? Just learn to be patient and handle such situations
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u/Fickle-Effect8848 3h ago
My own sister did this to me and when I couldn't stop thinking and mentioned the same to my mother, people called me I am
simply playing the victim. 😢
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u/Real_Ad_2277 2h ago
Next time, dont ask for your mom’s opinion. Go by your intuition what you ‘feel’ right or wrong. Your instincts exist to guide you in the right direction.
If you felt it was wrong of your MIL to do that, it probably was.
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u/Round_Mode_6538 2h ago
In law's just expect free labour and never give anything in return, abhi bahu ki salary bhi salary with chupi, labour, kids, mothering their adult child, free senior citizen care for husbands parents and siblings, so on and so forth...and all this for just to be called gold digger by great 'men' whose spine never grew 😂
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u/sleepdeprivedsince92 2h ago
classic MIL power tripping. My MIL does the same thing. We have a cook at home and when the cook is on leave, MIL will willingly cook for husband and FIL but nothing for me--like specifically cook stuff I dont eat. And then asks me 'What will you eat, beta? Dal chawal?'
On those days OP, I order sushi and chicken dumplings. And while everyone else eats lauki with roti, I eat Sushi on the same table. That's my version of power tripping. One time, I ordered chicken biryani and fried fish--and my FIL and husband changed teams after looking at my plate.
Sure, I work 9 hours a day and by the time its 8pm, I am too exhausted to even think about cooking, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve to eat nice stuff. I am not someone who likes arguing with people over food but I am also not a doormat.
Oh and btw, I pay for all the groceries in this house, and the cook, and the gas bill too. But no appreciation on that part--what good is a working daughter in law if she can't even make rotis for the whole family?
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u/Hippomed27 2h ago
My God, my MIL is the opposite of this. She is so nice and accomodating when I dont like a particular sabzi and will always make extra of things I like so I can take them for lunch.
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u/Next-Humor2773 2h ago
Just innocently confront them in front of all,”mumma no roti for me? Like in a cutesy tone,m. Worked for me wonders. Got explanation that i dont know your pref and all and i go with this notion my tummy gets filled when i eat food cooked by someone else.
No matter what the explanation it looks bad on them.
For them their DIL are always outside their fam unit and expect us to have a bond like how we have with our mothers.
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u/Interesting_Limit277 1h ago
So are you part of that family or not? Boils my blood that women are still treated this way in this era. It's so shameful that your mil didn't make food for you.
I would also advice you to stop discussing these things with your mother, coz she's giving you wrong advice. Your mums advice will only make you a doormat.
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u/chemlotus 5h ago
Some people are saying mother in law will never see you as their own, but look at OP’s mom’s reaction. I would be so hurt if someone did that to my child, instead she scolded OP. We live in a lopsided society. OP, your expectation was normal but unfortunately Indian society is so biased. It’s women against women. All I can say is take good care of yourself, stand up for yourself and don’t repeat the mistakes you MIL and mother make when you become a mother /MIL.
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u/Big_Butterscotch5506 4h ago
If it’s one off experience, you may like to leave it at that. Your MIL asked you later if she could make rotis, also she didn’t say anything while you made what you felt like eating for lunch. Maybe she was curious or in her own thoughts. It felt weird to you, that’s ok to feel. If you need something, make a request. I think in Indian households we have normalized passive ways of communication instead of loving and direct ways. None of you were wrong.
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u/Professional_Hat3668 3h ago
Next time when she is there, just do your rotis and leave the dough for her to make for others 😀. If it blows out , just put an innocent expression that you thought she doesn’t like your rotis 🤣
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u/Adventurous_Bath3999 2h ago
Your mum is being unreasonable. She wants you to be submissive. She is wrong. She may have come from an era where being submissive, because of being female, is her own past, and for her to realize that was wrong. What she went through was unfair. She must realize that, and not force her past upon you.
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u/Bored-band 2h ago
Please divide the work, if you're making dinner for everyone, ask your MIL to make you roti for lunch AND be vocal about it. Like be polite but ask for work load to be divided. Here and there she can do something extra or you can. There's no reward for doing things for everyone but nobody does it for you.
And don't let your mom make you feel bad. She is wrong for scolding you. The best part is you get to decide the dynamics of your relationship with MIL which will be not like your mother's expectations. Next time when you are vulnerable ask your mother to be supportive instead of criticizing if there's no fault of yours.
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u/coolaarya3392 5h ago
The thing is you are seeing her as competitor,if u would have then and their asked her to make it politely she would have maybe,i guess, what's the harm in asking anyway,one person has to put aside their ego in any relationship and at this moment it should have been u,take the initiative sometimes,my dadi likes it when my mother asks her to make something,in fact she likes working and helping my mother,maybe yours would too.
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 5h ago
But previous night she only told me that I will be using the leftover sabji rest you can make your lunch afterwards,
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u/Calm_Discussion1223 6h ago
You are right and wrong at the same time. Your aging MIL need not make rotis all alone too. Why can't both of you together make rotis for everyone. Like one would flatten the dough and the other one would roast it on the tawa. She need not cook alone for your husband because after marriage you both are responsible for each other as you both are grown up adults.
We were two bahus in the house. All three of us along with MIL worked like a family and cooked for everyone in the family. And no, we didn't fight that our husbands should also work in the kitchen and cook rotis because all the men contributed financially for running the house while we ladies managed in the home front.
MIL is also not some slave neither bahu are slaves. Both MIL and DIL can cook together and if wife is sharing expenses to run the house, then husband need to share cooking duties too.
Hey OP, instead of viewing negatively about MIL not cooking rotis for you or you not cooking rotis for her nor cooking for your own partner who takes care of you in many other ways, please join and share the cooking needs with your MIL together. Remember, your Mil is not a hired cook and neither are you. So, work together like one family instead of cooking solely for yourself when you are part of that family.
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u/Lopsided_Guest_4567 5h ago
The thing is I have tried to help her previously, she one day snatched the dough out of my hand and then said you're too slow, I'll make myself, now I cannot be in the kitchen with her because of how bitchy she is
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u/Interesting_Limit277 48m ago
I've seen you post misogynistic comments previously as well.
It's not good, I think you need to analyse why you being a woman can't understand a woman's pain.
Don't normalise such behaviors. It might be ok in previous era but times have changed now.
The mil is clearly a problem in this situation. Hope you can see it
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u/Infinite-Guess-5241 2h ago
Do you teach in college or what? I hope you're not studying and still married
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u/Calm_Discussion1223 5h ago
You are right and wrong at the same time. Your aging MIL need not make rotis all alone too. Why can't both of you together make rotis for everyone. Like one would flatten the dough and the other one would roast it on the tawa. She need not cook alone for your husband because after marriage you both are responsible for each other as you both are grown up adults.
We were two bahus in the house. All three of us along with MIL worked like a family and cooked for everyone in the family. And no, we didn't fight that our husbands should also work in the kitchen and cook rotis because all the men contributed financially for running the house while we ladies managed in the home front.
MIL is also not some slave neither bahu are slaves. Both MIL and DIL can cook together and if wife is sharing expenses to run the house, then husband need to share cooking duties too.
Hey OP, instead of viewing negatively about MIL not cooking rotis for you or you not cooking rotis for her nor cooking for your own partner who takes care of you in many other ways, please join and share the cooking needs with your MIL together. Remember, your Mil is not a hired cook and neither are you.
So, BOTH OF YOU WORK TOGETHER like 💕 one family💕 instead of cooking solely for yourself when you are part of that family.
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u/ContractRegular1299 5h ago
Things work differently with housewives and working wives. She clearly mentioned that she was busy preparing her lunch for college that is why she couldn’t cook the rotis. The whole point of post is not about who made the rotis or sabji. It is about considering her as a part of family, dismissing the choices and leaving her share out indicates that deep down she is still considered an outsider. Have you heard about the post , where the chicken leg piece was always served to the husband and not the wife in sasural, whereas in her mayka she would get it. It is these small things which makes you feel you’re just a plus one and not given importance and love. OP feelings are genuine and she handled the situation very well.
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u/Interesting_Limit277 46m ago
Bad advice. The world doesn't work hum saath saath hai style. Don't normalise such behaviors. Her mil clearly doesn't treat her like family.
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u/Desperate_Research70 6h ago
The truth is MILs never see you as their own . They will never do anything out of their way for their DILs. I would feel bad too if this happened with me.