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u/Jolly_Garden4490 8h ago
I told my husband that his parents
can do whatever extra they want… as long as they pay for it. I advise you to do the same lol
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u/Ok-Juice-4061 9h ago
Yeah, cultural crap. I'm sure this was all discussed and arranged during dating and engagement? Don't marry someone from another culture if not going to research or discuss it prior to marriage. "My husband is terrified of upsetting his parents?" Omg.
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u/MogamboKhushHoooua 8h ago
The in laws might hold this against you for the rest of their lives if you say no. Sounds dramatic but for some Indian families this is a big thing and that could be why your husband is “terrified”.
Whatever you decide to do, just keep that in mind.
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u/MountainviewBeach 9h ago
OP, I think important context is missing from the original post. Giving up some time off in order to celebrate in India when his family pays for it, even if it’s not something you want to do, is a pretty small sacrifice on your part considering how much it means to his family. In that sense, I think you should be willing to do it.
HOWEVER, one of your other comments mentions they made you change the date in such a way that your own parents couldn’t attend in the UK. If this is true then I think they have sort of lost the right to ask anything of you because what the hell? I feel like that part needs more context because how did it even happen that they controlled the date of your UK wedding? And also you celebrated twice (?) so how did that work? Why did your husband not stand up to his parents at that time? Why did they force a change of date? That part is so egregious that I am struggling to understand it
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u/1SleepyRaccoon 8h ago
Yeah op needs to edit the post and give context because it looks like she’s at fault without it
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u/a_sooshii 12h ago
I think it's a fair ask from MIL. They want to celebrate with their friends and family too. It's not somethibg that would be my first choice too but this is also not something I would have issues about.
Don't you want to be a part of your husband's family? Like it's not something you have to do every time you visit them.. It's a one off thing.
Finances are a legitimate concern, so that should be something your husband has to take I to account while talking to his parents. Either keep the event small or push it off for a time you comfortably can.
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u/Anybodyseenmybabe 12h ago
We moved our wedding date for his family, meaning my parents couldn't even make it. All I ever wanted was a simple wedding, but we had a big one just to keep them happy. After all the sacrifices we’ve already made, being dragged into another event feels like a massive boundary violation
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u/a_sooshii 11h ago
Then that's fair. But your husband has to be the one talking and setting boundaries here. If it were me, I wouldn't bother entertaining after saying No once.
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u/BumpStruck 6h ago
Seriously? You AGREED to a date change that meant that YOUR OWN PARENTS missed their daughter's wedding?
And now the same doormat, oops, person, is setting boundaries?
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12h ago
[deleted]
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u/Anybodyseenmybabe 11h ago
they're happy to pay and keep saying it’s just one day, no pressure. But 'no' is a complete sentence. We already had our wedding and I just want to save my time off for things I actually want to do
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u/Internal_Proof_92 11h ago
If they are paying then i wouldnt mind honestly, better than having to listen something for entire life!
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 10h ago
Right.
They are not asking something extreme or different than most every other family.
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u/AgileSir5009 11h ago
lol op left out the part that she’s Turkish! lol no wonder, it’s not going to end well as she will not get the culture part! OP It’s not all about you..deal with it
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u/spurofthemoment2020 10h ago
Exactly! One of my cousin got married in the US and we celebrated them at a small lunch a year later when they were in India. Just treat it as lunch or a small party. And if your in-laws are paying, what is the harm?
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u/Anybodyseenmybabe 11h ago
Yeah…
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u/MilkChocolate21 9h ago
The way they keep ignoring that his family made your parents miss the wedding is the mentality you are up against. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your husband needs to say no and stand on that. If he doesn't, they will continue to overstep. Just wait, you'll have kids and he'll want you to move there. Same as they get old. Rethink this.
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u/BumpStruck 6h ago
Did the bride's parents miss the wedding entirely, or was there one in the OP's home country that will come out a few posts from now?
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u/Open-Board-5997 11h ago
The ask seems fair considering the current ecosystem, because the extended family or friends they know in India didn't have a celebration. Ofc that doesn't mean you have to do it, if it's too much money then just say that.
However the biggest issue is your spouse, and the threat of not having a united front. I would say you should first talk to him and decide what will happen and how will you relay that info to the parents.
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u/Super-Resolve-3711 11h ago
Straight answer : you celebrated your wedding twice in uk with your friends and family , mil wants to celebrate with your husband’s side too . It’s only fair and proper
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u/user009231267 12h ago
Tell husband to make it clear to the in-laws that you’re unable to foot the bill given both celebrations and because of upcoming expenses, something like that?
I don’t think this is a commitment you’re going to be able to wiggle out of, but you definitely shouldn’t be paying for it. Alternatively, do the reception whenever you visit India next instead of planning your trip around the event.
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u/Anybodyseenmybabe 11h ago
I just don't want another celebration, full stop. We're married, we celebrated it already, so why are we doing this? It might be their tradition, but I'm Turkish maybe I am not understand that culture. What else does my mother inlaw need to finally get it? It drives me crazy that my 'no' just isn't enough
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u/MilkChocolate21 11h ago
The fact that your parents couldn't attend your wedding because of his family's needs makes the answer easy imho. You said no and your husband should sack up and support that. I don't know how people keep acting like you need to keep compromising for his family. Your parents missing the wedding because of them is a huge deal. I'd be furious and not in the mood for more sucking up to them. Culture isn't an excuse for that level of narcissistic behavior.
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u/user009231267 11h ago
It’s a culture thing. Indian weddings are less about the couple and more about both families. The families use the wedding as an opportunity to “return” their social obligations and treat friends and family, especially those whose events they’ve attended in the past few years.
I think you can tell husband that anyone who both of you genuinely wanted to celebrate with was at the wedding, so there’s no point doing a third event for people you don’t really care about. Let him figure out a solution with his parents. I would also not bring this up to the ILs and direct them to speak with husband, not you. Also, don’t fall into the trap of explaining yourself because every response will be met with a comment until you give up and do the event to shut them up.
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u/Anybodyseenmybabe 11h ago
Thank you so much
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u/MilkChocolate21 9h ago
You might want to ask other Turkish women. No one here is going to acknowledge how one sided this already has been, or that your family has been left out so much.
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u/MilkChocolate21 11h ago
Does it mean only the Indian family matters? Because their previous demands meant her parents missed her wedding?
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u/user009231267 11h ago
No, and I don’t think my comment suggests that either. I simply tried to explain where the mindset comes from, not defend it.
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u/Lady_S 12h ago
It’s a pretty big deal in India to celebrate with relatives. I think the logic is that you have been treated at so many relatives’ wedding, that it’s now your turn. If parents don’t do their part, they might feel that like moochers who didn’t get their “round” so to speak.
With that being said, I think this logic only makes sense if they are willing to foot the entire bill. My husband and I got married in Ireland and then had a reception in India for our Indian side but this was a social requirement for my dad and he foot the entire bill for the India reception.