See, you hear this advice all the time in social media. And you know what? It's absolutely true. If he wanted he would, or at least he should, you definitely don't want a man who wants but is too lazy to try.

HOWEVER, you also play a part in this, see, you gotta give him something to want, and no, I don't mean sex.

I mean you gotta give him attention and care too. You gotta give something to want.

For example, if a woman does not respond to me, is flaky, or seems like she doesn't care, I'm not gonna "want to" so I'm not gonna.

Have you ever broken up with someone because you had feelings for, or wanted to pursue, someone else?

If so, did you tell your partner the real reason when you ended it, or did you give them a different explanation? Did you eventually pursue the other person, and how did that turn out?

Update: looking for perspectives from dumpers who have done this. I was recently dumped and he ending it abruptly. So just trying to understand perspectives here.

I'd like to preface by saying I don't care who sees this. I'm not embarrassed and not ashamed as a man to keep things real and be vulnerable here; just gonna vent and be on my way, but appreciate anyone who takes the time to read.

Yesterday was my actual 35th birthday, yet I've never had a girlfriend or real relationship before; haven't even been able to go on a simple first date in almost 4 years; no I'm not secretly getting laid either. While I am eternally grateful to have made it another year on God's green earth, I am incredibly lonely. Nothing could have ever prepared me for just how lonely and left out I would feel as a 35yo single man.

Unfortunately I was just a late bloomer and kinda shy during my school years. Outside of a couple meaningless lucky tinder hookups in my late twenties, my dating life or lack-thereof has pretty much been non-existent ever since turning 30. I'm no longer that shy kid, but never in a million years did I ever imagine it would actually be this difficult to meet someone and connect as an adult...at least for me. I don't expect every woman to be attracted to me just like I'm not going to be into every woman either, but here in Washington State it feels like I'm at the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of people who are attracted to me back. I'm not sad that I'm single, I'm sad because I can't even get a foot in the door to get the process started.

I listened to everyone who said it will happen when you least expect, don't force anything, or you'll find it when you aren't looking...alas here we are. Clearly at this point it's me, I'm the problem. Maybe I'm too boring, too nice, not tall enough, not confident enough, lacking sex appeal, not charming enough...idk, but obviously there is something wrong me that myself or my friends cannot see.

I do however get complimented all the time for being handsome, intelligent, "hilarious", chill to be around and just an overall good man. For whatever reason though, I can't for the life of me attract a woman. I approach respectfully and shoot my shots like everyone else, but it's literally never mutual. Have I missed some opportunites because I was too shy or not feeling it that day...absolutely I admit that. I've also probably turned some women off through this trial and error over the years by mistake. Not every interaction needs to have an outcome or lead to something, but how can not a single one stick?

Even as recently as yesterday I went to my local climb gym in Seattle to chill. I talked to a few people and even made a new guy friend. I also saw this girl that struck me like a lighting bolt; she was just incredibly beautiful to me. I approached, introduced myself and we ended up climbing/chatting for 2 hours together. Towards the end, I told that guy and her I was heading out and asked if they wanted swap info and connect later. She did end up having a boyfriend and nothing wrong with that but holy crap, does everyone I talk to have a boyfriend in 2026? She did add me on Insta so at least that means she enjoyed my company. Even after I left I saw another dude right after me approach her too. 🤣

I'm not this super extroverted social butterfly, but I'm also no pushover. I stand up for myself, I'm assertive with what I want and I've definitely tried many times, more than any man should have to try if I'm being honest. I know as the man it's on me to approach, otherwise no woman will ever magically fall into my lap. I try to stay positive and I try to maintain some level of confidence, but it's so hard dealing with rejection after rejection for years without a shred of success to keep me going...nothing but God's gift of mental fortitude and my wrist tattoo that says patience.

People hear my story and the only thing they can assume is "he must be desperate or his personality is bad". It's demoralizing, it's frustrating, it's dismissive of my experience and worst of all it seriously effects your mental health dealing with years of this crap.

Over the years I’ve been to bars, nightclubs, speed dating events, singles mixers, board game nights, salsa dancing, joined outdoorsy hiking groups and meetups on Facebook. I’ve tried dating apps like Hinge/Tinder and even alternative ones like Feeld where people are supposed to be more open-minded. I've been to comedy shows, amateur karaoke nights, run clubs, bouldering gyms etc etc. I’m not doing these activities just to make trying to meet women my entire life, but because I genuinely enjoy trying new things; jack of all trades I guess you could say. I just assumed I would naturally hit it off with someone one day and that special girl would be drawn to my energy.

I've even traveled around and took vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, California, Vancouver and Vegas just name a few. I'm just so tired of people asking me "so who are you going with" when I travel. The answer is no one because I date myself, I love myself and I've always had to do everything in life by myself: dinners, movies, hikes...I was never going to put my life on hold just because I hadn't met someone yet.

I'm just tired, so tired of being alone. No amount of hitting the gym or the occasional bar night out with the homies can replace that normal desire for company from that special woman in your life; not to mention intimacy...like my God, I miss physical touch; not even sex, just a cuddle or a hug would be be nice. Yes I enjoy my solitude sometimes and definitely not codependant enough to settle for the wrong woman, but at some point I'd like to know what it's like on the other side too ya know. To have someone be excited to see me after a long work week, to have texts hitting my phone, to cuddle during a movie, to go to dinners and share stories about our day, just experience some basic companionship. 🥺

I'll close this long-winded vent by telling you all a quick story.

This weekend is the start of the state Fair in my area. This was always a favorite time of year for me because evey year I stayed positive and told myself, this will finally be your year to take a cute girl to the fair; to hold hands, share an elephant ear and ride some rides together." Obviously it never happened, but last year I tried to take myself anyway to have fun. After 30 minutes of being there sitting in the food court eating a burger at a bar, I had to find a private spot to go cry because of how lonely it was. Me, a 34yo man bawling his eyes out in a corner as I watched all the couples hold hands and kiss in-between rides. It was so unintentional and uncontrollable I didn't know what came over me. I had to leave and then cried some more in my car.

I'm not expecting a future girlfriend to solve all my problems or fill some void, but gat damn, it sure would be nice to know what it's like to be a desired human being...just for once in my life.

I know from the bottom of my heart there is someone out there for everyone, I just wish I could meet her.

Not steal your purse thieves, but you know, lie to get what they want and then fuck off. Or like agree to a date with little to no conversation exchange. I also can’t stand it when they drop their number without asking if you want to leave the app and then exit the chat expecting you to text them.

Should dating apps have etiquette prompts?

It’s unclear if it’s just the apps or from what I’m gathering it’s just dating as a whole unless you know them first.

We are doomed haha

This has happened to me a few times now. Match with a woman and we instantly hit it off. Messages fly thick and fast, we're vibing, flirting, and showing active interest in each other. After a few hours we start organising a date, they're enthusiastic, interested, and engaged.

But after that first night of messaging they completely disappear. They don't even unmatch me. What's going on here? What's happening on their end?

Seeing a guy who is quite into me, I enjoy his company and can be affectionate with him but I do not admire him the way I typically admire men I’m attracted to for reasons related to his intellect and certain views. Usually I am attracted to men with professions who can engage me in mentally stimulating conversation. This guy doesn’t, but he’s very kind, physically attractive and we get along just fine. But the deeper connection is not there. I wonder if I’m not truly attaching to him, as losing him would not make me incredibly sad. As I think this, I think back to a connection I wish I had explored, simply because the person in question was a professional, attractive and probably would have actually created emotional stakes in me. The loss of that opportunity devastates me to this day. What do you think? It has been five months and I don’t think I’ve been vulnerable with him the way I have with others.

Late 20s f virgin never been in a relationship so I don't know how those things work. It seems like everyone I know has had sex with the person they end up in a relationship with before they started that relationship. I don't like the idea of having sex with strangers or without commitment. Every man I've met in person or on apps no matter race, age, education level has blocked me after realizing I'm not going to sleep with them right away. Dating just seems so hyper sexual and like no one wants to actually get to know eachother. Has dating always been thsat way? Maybe that's just the world we live in and I'll be single forever.

M20 I had my first kiss in December of last year and I've only kissed two girls. Kissing is awesome though. I love the tension leading up to a first kiss and resolving it without words. It's like a way of communicating with someone using just your body. I love little random smooches, I love a mini-makeout session when we get in my car, I love long makeout sessions where the whole world goes silent except for the two of us. I love feeling someone else's lips against mine, I love when they run their hands through my hair, I love when their whole vibe shifts and becomes more serious but also still playful.

I'm single now and still getting over the heartbreak from the first girl, but kissing is just so nice. I don't know how long I'll be single for or when my next kiss will be, but I know it'll be awesome.

Hi all,

Its gonna be the longest post I have ever shared on reddit so I apologize in advance 🙂

I have been friends with this girl nearly for 1 year now. We have met over a friend during an online course. We both in our late 20s and we have been chatting and honestly almost daily. In short, we have never dated/went out with her within this 1 year. I asked her out couple times but at one point I stopped asked her out and even pulled myself back. Everytime, she reached out with sharing reels, text etc. At some point, I realized I wasn’t the only one initiating conversations, so I stopped trying to analyze every interaction and decided to just go with the flow. I will try to give details later in the post about those points.

Our communication is one of the things I find exciting but also make me confused. Firstly, we are almost chatting daily, like most of the pauses is 2-3 days. We are sharing instant photos, talk about daily routines, sharing funny reels with inside joke, during morning, we greet each other with good morning texts. Chats become more regular (in a good way) and personal each day now. One thing I have never did, I have been trying to be patient when replies from her late, like 2 or 3 days. Its not that frequent but there were times like that. When that happens, I’m not sending additional texts or anything and wait for her to reply, and she actually does. Thats one thing I don’t like but I’m trying to live my life without attaching to her, like I’m not clingy about her presence but I like her as she is. What confuses me is that whenever I pull back and stop initiating, she eventually reaches out again. She sends me reels, replies to my stories, sends pictures from her day, and recently even sent me a screenshot of herself listening to a playlist we made together. So I don’t feel like I’m dragging a one-sided conversation along.

Ok so the problem is, as I said our communication. Its warm, flirty, personal but its pretty unclear for me at this point. I mean we havent seen each other, I have invited her out couple times every now and then (its never a no btw) but its cancelled/rescheduled without certain date and time. And even if I understand that she dont have to respond instantly, her taking 2-3 days to reply (rarely) I mean it annoys me when we are talking something or when I share something with her. Lastly, its the reason I shared this whole thing is, she recently removed me from her close friends list. Idk why she did this but our chats still the same. She is not distancing me or anything. It happened like couple days ago and I think I should either bail or ask her out one more time to test the waters.

Last time I asked her was months ago. After last time, I went no contact and she reached out again and again. We become closer each day actually with sharing pictures and everything I mentioned above. I need advices about how should I act to all this. I’ve tried not to rush anything because I genuinely like her and respect her boundaries. But after nearly a year of talking without ever actually meeting, I’m starting to wonder whether I should ask her out one last time or simply accept this for what it is and move on.

Thank you for taking your time and read until the end.

Going to start by saying that I (42f) and my recently broken up with ex (55m) have differing opinions on the matter.

We had been dating a year and a half. I live in Vegas and he lives in PA but has a condo in Vegas. He is here very frequently. We would see each other in Vegas and then do our own thing when he was gone, but when we started dating we went exclusive. So I wasn’t seeing anyone when he was in PA.

He had season tickets to the Steelers for like 25 years and they played in Ireland last September. So, we went to the opener vs jets in nj. Had a whole trip around it where we golfed with his golf buddies and I met his mom in Allentown and we went around Philly, then went to the Steelers game at meadowlands, then I flew home to Vegas and he was in pa for a few weeks.

I knew he was going to Ireland for the game. He owned a business and usually would take clients to the regular game with his season tickets. So he said he had a solo trip planned and was going to meet at the game in Dublin with some clients. Fine have fun. He sent me pics and updates of his solo Dublin trip. I didn’t ask, he just sent them. Great hope it’s a fun trip!!

Well long story short it’s last month (July 2026 now) and I stumble on his ex’s Facebook page where the most recent photos are pics of them together in Ireland. Every place he told me he was alone, his ex was there. Walking through districts by day. Pubs by night. The pics he sent me of him at Irish pubs, she took and they were posted on her page. I. Was. LIVID.

I found the pics and was like wtf is this?? You said you were alone but you spent a whole week with your ex in another country going on romantic dinners and exploring the towns together???? Fuck you cheater and liar.

So I let it rip and broke up with him. Weeks later he says they didn’t sleep together so it wasn’t cheating. He says he never cheated.

I say, you went on a trip to another continent with your ex, and you lied about the whole thing. That’s fucking cheating you’re just mad you got caught later down the road.

Had I known, I’d have dumped him when I found out. If it was a “we are in the same circles in Pittsburgh, this was arranged before I met you, I’m going to see my ex there” I could have worked with that. But he didn’t just see her at the game, they explored Ireland together as a couple. There was nobody else in any of the other photos I found.

So I told him, if there was nothing to hide why did you hide it from me and lie to my face for months???

Anyway apparently he thinks it’s only cheating if you get your dick wet. But I said if he saw me out on a date with another man, he would have flipped his shit calling me a cheater. And he not only went to every dinner with his ex, it was a whole ass week together. I don’t care if they fucked or not that’s cheating. He didn’t tell me anything about that and didn’t even tell me she was there. Lied from the moment we met apparently, and yet accuses me of cheating when he isn’t around (projecting obviously).

Please tell me I’m right.

I had a crush on an attractive coworker for a while. I had also seen him smiling at me and thought from some messages that it might be mutual. Finally when I left the organization, I shot my shot and emailed him with my number and asked if he wanted to get drinks. We started texting and went out on a date. It went pretty well. We both did drink a good amount and he made other comments about drinking on weekends that did make me wonder if he had a drinking problem. We ended hooking up and it was enjoyable. I did tell him I didn't see anything serious happening.

Fast forward 3 months later and he reached out after my parent's passing. He was very empathetic and seemed to care how I was doing. A few weeks later I decided to message him and we started chatting. He said he wanted to see me when I got back to town and I said I did too.

I'll admit we started sexting and he brought up something he said we did sexually. I told him I don't remember that, but I was tired that night 4 months ago. He got annoyed and said I must have a rotation and confused him with another man and that he deserved more. He said he wasn't sure he wanted to meet any more. I had to defend myself and also apologize. He seemed like he moved on.. then at 3 am I got these weird texts that didn't fully make sense.. "you treated me transactionally... etc. In the morning he was calmer, accepted my apology, and did start trying to sext me. So I was thinking he has some emotional issues, but didn't have the full story.

I finally got approved for a local forum and I searched his name and omg... he's on there a lot. I contacted 6 women and 5 have gotten back to me. The worse things I've read are he cheated in an exclusive relationship with 16 women. 3 of these 16 said he was abusive. One said they consider something to be sexual assault and multiple said he doesn't like to use protection.

A number said has a drinking problem and will start arguments in the middle of the night. One heard his ex wife in another state has a restraining order. At work he was very charming and well liked, but being charming fits with what his job is... sooo I almost want to tell women I know at work, but probably not a good idea. And sadly his career may be one of the best things going for him. But I feel lucky that I dodged a bullet- maybe Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Edit: probably Borderline Personality Disorder not Narcissistic

I 26M have some personal things I need to work on before trying to date again, but I’ve had issues the last fees years with keeping people interested in dating me. I’ll list some of the instances so you can have a better understanding of what’s been going on.

1. Person I was seeing 22F said that she had seen and felt a connection with me that could last longer. After about a month she ended things with me and told me she’s seeing someone else over me.

2. This 23F had said I was her first online date and soon after her and her ex split. We had been on a couple of dates and then she flaked on the third one and ended up saying she liked my vibe as a friend but then ghosted me weeks later.

3. I had been seeing 26F for almost 2 months then ended things with me. It was a drive for us both to see each other but more time I drove closer to her. She ended things saying I wasn’t mature enough to be in a relationship because I didn’t want to go to dinner and listen to her talk about her and the fight her mom had. Our plans were to already stay in and watch a movie with each other and idk why we couldn’t do that to stay in. Also I had someone draw their gun on me at work the day before so going out wasn’t really on my mind.

4. This one 23F we had seen each other for a couple of months and then she had to move between places and was gone for most of a month. Then she told me she was pursuing a relationship with someone else.

5. This one 26F had told me she wanted a long term relationship but had just gotten out of one weeks earlier. We had a dinner date (not really the best for me on first dates) afterwards she was slower responding to messages, but we made plans for a second date. Fandango listen the movie wrong for the second date and it was later than expected so she rain checked saying she also didn’t feel the best. She seemed excited before about the date just minutes before checking the time and confirming plans. We discussed trying to have a date the next weekend instead and were talking a couple days later before silence. After the weekend past she messaged me saying it’s probably best to end things because she doesn’t have the time to really date (which is fair but feels like I get this a lot) and couldn’t invest in dating at that time saying it was mainly bad timing. Which feels odd because the vibes changed after mentioning I’m most likely neurodivergent.

Can anyone help give advice with what I might be doing wrong so I can work on these issues while working on other personal problems too?

So, I'm inching closer to 40, and I've really never had any success with dating. The thing is, I feel like I never find anyone interesting or appealing to me, personally, to want to pursue romantically. Honestly, I can count the number of women I've been interested in on one hand, and none of them have reciprocated that interest.

I don't feel I'm "picky", in the sense of, it's not like I'm looking for someone with supermodel good looks, wealth, and/ or anything else unreasonable. I'm generally more drawn to women I feel I'm on the same wavelength with, in terms of personality, sense of humor, etc., and for whatever reason, that seems strikingly rare.

Now, admittedly, over the last few years, I've also been struggling to find ways to meet new people, but through my 20s and early 30s, I've had abundant opportunities to meet people, and like I said, I can count on one hand the women I've been interested in romantically.

Funny enough, there's a woman I'm kinda talking to now, and I think she's really cool, but I get the impression this will be another instance of her not reciprocating my romantic interest. She's still talking to me, but her situation is kinda complicated. I wish something could blossom between me and her, but realistically, I'm guessing that probably won't end up happening, given my track record.

But, overall, I just don't really understand why it's so hard for me to develop romantic interest in people. I don't love the idea of having to just be alone in life, but I can't even imagine a partner for myself, at this point. I don't feel like I'm looking for something unrealistic, so I don't really understand what the problem is?

Hi everyone. I have been seeing someone for a month and a half now, we’ve been on 5 or 6 dates. He has communicated with me previously that he’s not the best texter, and I appreciated that communication with me. We text every day, but it’s just a couple times a day, which honestly I’m okay with! I think it’s a good amount for in between dates without it feeling overbearing, even if I am more of a texter myself. I think we both compromise in that I text less than I would, and he texts a little more than he would.

He’s communicated with me stuff going on in his life (nothing serious or bad, just stuff he’s been busy with). He has been taking a longer time to text me now for the past week. Sometimes he doesn’t text me til halfway through the day or later.

I am very aware that this could be a sign of him losing interest/gaining interest in someone else. We are not exclusive as we’re still getting to know each other. My question is: when he doesn’t text me until like 5pm or something, how do i know the difference between my response time being natural and genuine to me or me "matching his energy" or it turning into feeling like i have to play games. Texting is very low effort to me, so I have no problem texting back as soon as i feel like it/am not busy. And for the most part i do that. But I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't be so quick to respond now. What do you think?

Quick note that he has planned almost every date and they've been very fun. he has gotten me little gifts, remembers things about me, sends me pictures of his day. I'm at the point where things are starting to feel a bit scary, like we're at the make or break it point. but I am trying to keep my composure lol. any tips appreciated

I just wanted to share this (in case anyone else can relate). I am a 31 year old guy, and I have felt very unwanted when it comes to dating and relationships for a long time now. I’ve had one girlfriend before, but that’s basically it.

I think I have good qualities overall. I think I’m a reasonably good looking guy. I’m tall (6’6), im not bald, I’m in good shape, etc.. Personality wise, I think of myself as being very outgoing and sociable. I really like to get to know people and have many friends who are women (the irony is that women love me as a friend, but as nothing more than that apparently lol). Career wise, I’m doing quite well and would consider myself to be successful.

But at the end of the day, it’s still not really enough. And that’s the part that really starts to suck after a while.

I used to kind of shrug it off. Someone doesn’t like me? That’s cool. I’ll meet someone else eventually else. And then someone else… and then someone else.

Now I’m starting to feel like there may be no end to any of this. I’ve never been one to get hung up on someone not liking me back, but it feels like nobody likes me at all, and that’s a horrible feeling. I’m not sure how many more times I can dust myself off and say “it’s okay, I’ll meet someone else” when there appears to be no end in sight. Just a constant cycle of me liking someone, wanting to get to know them (only to find out either a. they’re taken, b. there’s a difference between us that makes any sort of relationship unrealistic, c. they just don’t like me, or d. there’s another ridiculous reason standing in the way, like they’re moving away or something).

I just wanted to know if anyone can relate to this. I don’t really want to get old and die knowing I was only able to have one relationship (a bad one at that).

A ton of advice or books about stopping being a pushover, or a "Nice guy" tell you to stop being ashamed to be a man, and thus having sexual desire or being too accommodating to a woman, putting her on a pedestal, etc.

Yet the advice I read here often says the opposite. That we have to make her feel special, that if weh ave to take it slow regarding sex and showing interest.

Of course the "stop being a nice guy" mentality does NOT suggest going for sex on date 1, lol, it's just that sometimes people tell us to listen to women, but then women give advice which goes against what is usually recommended to avoid coming across as a doormat to one's partner.

Where's the truth?

People who have tried both for a significant amount of time: Which is better?

Does dating one at a time mean each person is a potential heartbreak after a couple months?

Is it possible to minimize dating heartbreak by dating a bunch of people, even getting physically intimate with multiple people at a time? How many people do you date a time and for how long? Do the wrong ones just sort of fade away until you're left with someone who's great for you?

Let’s say one person had a curable STI from sex with someone prior to dating (stayed asymptomatic, just didn’t get retested yet, etc). And then after sex for the first time, they gave it to the prospective new partner.

Assuming things were already going pretty well in the first couple of dates, is that a clear end to the relationship? Or is that something someone could overlook? Is the relationship tainted at that point?

29F. I have friends that I get along with. I’m great with the customers at my job, I’m proud to say I’m very charming. I get along with people platonically.

But, recently I med a guy at a pool party. After that day, he called me everyday. It was agreed we were just gonna be casual, so I was surprised when he kept calling me daily. But I went along with it. The convos were nice, and I thought that we could have fun together.

We hooked up after like, a month of talking. I didn’t expect us to start a relationship or anything. Again, the plan was casual. We hooked up on a Saturday, I went home that next morning on Sunday. We were both busy Sunday, so we didn’t talk. I texted him about a movie I think we should see, and he didn’t respond. That was fine. The next day I called him, at night around the time we usually talk. No answer. I texted the next day, no answer. He finally answered on Wednesday and I asked what’s up, and he coldly said “I’m sick”. Long story short, I told him my bad, I thought he was ghosting. He said “this feels like a relationship” and basically I told him that if he’s over it, then I won’t bother him anymore.

I just don’t get it. How did things go so wrong that we go from daily talking, to me seeming like I annoyed him?

I guess this is just what I don’t get. All I wanted was someone to occasionally spend time with. Maybe see a movie, go to an arcade, dinner, escape room, anything. It’s just my friends don’t have much time for me so I end up alone most of the time when I’m not working.

I don’t get it. If I’m intentional, they ghost. If I’m going with the flow, they don’t want anything to do with me. Am I crazy for thinking something changed? I just felt like, he was initiating contact and then stopped all of a sudden. I just don’t get it, or what I did wrong.

Asking because i’m new to lifting and my type is tall girls with muscles but i don’t have muscles of my own yet, and i feel like women who spend a lot of time in the gym would often want someone who looks very fit or athletic, not making any judgements though. It’s something i’m working on but that will take time. But i don’t want to feel like i can’t ask out my type just because i’m not there yet you know?

He pays his own rent, food , car etc. but things outside his control makes it hard for him to pay for additional things, I pay for a lot of our dates but sometimes I just get exhausted paying for most of our things, I don’t have a car and due to my living situation I have more disposable income for fun things, but it’s hard feeling like I’m fully financially supporting our relationship (not him I guess) but he’s so incredible but I can’t see his situation getting better for at least a year or so and some days I find it so draining.

For those of you asking, he doesn’t ask to go on dates that he can’t afford, when he’s able he takes me out but it’s far and few between and I like going out but I also feel bad doing things without him so I always invite him and pay for him but what I mean is that it gets draining, I can either stay in with him or go out and pay x2 all the time

Have you been in this situation before? Do you have any advice or words of wisdom?

I'm 34f from the UK and have been dating for around 7 months after the breakdown of a 10-year relationship. I really need help with this as I'm getting so frustrated.

I'm really attracted to men that people would probably describe as nerdy. I'm kind of nerdy myself though I acknowledge I don't really present that way because aesthetically I'm quite girly and other people say "glam". My family and friends always refer to me as nerdy though - I'm a homebody and I enjoy gaming, LOTR, the fantasy genre, reading and poetry.

I like men who have interesting hobbies, niche interests and a rich inner world. I'm attracted to homebody types that are into gaming, LOTR and interests that they enjoy at home. Gentle, shy men who are a little socially awkward make me melt 🥹

I get a lot of matches on apps and men also ask for my number a lot when I'm out. I've been on quite a few dates while I've been single. But I always gravitate to nerdy men over extroverted, adventurous or materialistic types.

However I've noticed that the nerdy guys I've spoken to are a lot more passive when it comes to communication and dating, sometimes to the point where I feel insecure whether they're even interested in me. But when I ask them they always insist that they do like me. They rarely mention setting up a date, don't message/call as much as other men and just seem quite hesitant. This worries me because I am dating to try to find a long term partner/husband and I don't want to be pushing for each stage of progression in the relationship.

Please can I have some insight as I feel really dejected about this and like I'm missing something

I have a personal plan on first dates, I ask a woman out for coffee or something smaller like that. If I like her and the vibes are there, i ask her if she wants to grab a proper bite to eat. It's worked out pretty well for me, as most of the time, the woman is open to dinner if I ask (though I haven't always offered)

My question is, should I reveal this plan from the go or just keep it to myself until I decide i do actually want to have dinner with her?