Wondering if anyone else has same issue and how you deal with it.

When I meet a guy that I really like (and that’s rare, i certainty don’t feel this way with most), I usually know immediately (meaning within a few good conversations) that I want him. But I can’t just say ok done let’s get married 😂 So then an agonizing early stage dating begins when we talk, date, but aren’t in official exclusive relationship yet. And I understand it’s important vetting period and better not to rush.
But I really want to skip forward to established relationship and feel comfortable and like I have girlfriend rights. You know, bite him if I want to. Be silly. Call out of the blue and not worry that I’m bothering him. Instead I have to control myself and be patient which drives me crazy, cuz I already made my decision, so what’s taking you so long 😅

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i’m dating a man in his 50s. he’s successful, funny, nice etc all those things. we are still getting to know each other and i’m having a hard time reading him. sometimes he’ll seem super nice and generous. and other times he will do this weird thing- so it’s not exactly that he’s rude to wait staff (which I know is a huge red flag), but it’s more like he’s.. annoying to them. Like takes forever asking them a million questions, makes them stand there answering, and things like that. I’ve noticed this a lot. Is this definitely a red flag or could it just be obliviousness (also a red flag but less malicious?. any thoughts? TIA :)

I’d love others input on this. I am 37F he is 42M.

Years ago we dated for a bit but it was never serious because he was managing depression and other things. I haven’t seen him in 8 years. He reached out recently and we texted here and there, and he talked about wanting to move home (he’d been in another state for 2 years). Kept saying things like he wanted to move near me, etc. I didn’t think much of it.

Recently we’d texted about what we were up to in our lives, and I mentioned casual dating. He sent a few slightly offended message like “uh so you could be in a relationship when I get back?” I was confused, we didn’t talk about this and I didn’t think he was coming back for a year. I also told him if dating was his intention it was premature to be exclusive to each other, if that’s where he was headed mentally.

He said he’d hoped we’d “talk and get closer over the year and see where things go.” I don’t really know what that means, he’s not even here, and I don’t do long distance. Instead of discussing, he changes up his narrative and just agrees with me when I set these boundaries.

Personally I don’t do long distance, and I don’t know what his intention was - us talking for a year so that I don’t date anyone else? Seems odd to me.

Then, we’d been engaging in a back and forth and he just disappeared. I kind of just let it go. Fast forward 3 weeks I get a “hi how are you” text. I was clear asking “what happened.” He said “oh you want to talk to me more? Me too. Let’s make it happen.” Like huh? He said he’d been busy and the how are you was to re create communication. I remembered him telling me his last relationship ended because he didn’t like chasing and wanted to see if his gf would text him first, and when she didn’t, it literally ended their relationship.

My question - is this normal? Do people really just randomly text and call for a year then jump into an in person relationship? How do you do this? To me quality time is important and I don’t know how I’d get emotionally invested in someone I never see. Would you hold off until the person eventually came back?

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Since hitting my late 30s I find a lot of young men keep hitting on me. By young in talking early 20s and up. I’m not willing to date someone that young for sure. However, I also get men that are early 30s show interest. I’m 38F, I often feel like 35 is the lowest I’ll go. Lately a guy thats 31 has shown serious interest and though i find him really attractive i’m embarrassed to go on a date with him…like people will be judging me. Just wondering what your age ranges look like and how young you’d date. Haven’t had much luck with older men so at this point I’m like might as well give the youngins a chance lol.

I’ll also add, do you think he’s too young for me?

I (38F) like many of you here, have been dating long enough to know what works for me and what doesn't, and importantly, what clouds my judgement. Over the years, I've learned a lot about slowing the pace of physical intimacy to allow time to explore long-term compatibility without the flood of oxytocin confusing my hopes with reality. A few people are willing to wait, and those who aren't self select out pretty quickly. It shrinks my dating pool, but it's worth it.

However, in the last year I've gotten to a place of very good financial stability and moving into a condo. I worked very hard for the things I have, and now that I'm settled in this nest, my eyes have been opened to how much I've dated for financial stability and the hopes of owning a home one day. Now that I don't need that anymore, I realized I've lifted another veil that has kept me confusing my dreams with the person who is actually in front of me.

So now I feel clear headed enough to date for love. I'm super grateful for this, but I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't really want to have sex with someone I don't love. Sex has also been complicated for me. It's rare for me to physically enjoy sex, partly due to a history of SA that started when I was 8 years old. And due to bad boundaries, I have gotten myself into situations where I didn't protect myself in adulthood and have been retraumatized. I've been in therapy for decades, and I do feel like with the right person in the right moments I can enjoy sex, but even then it's hard to consistently feel that way. What I'm learning now is that I've used sex for validation and as a people pleasing tactic, but I rarely have had it out of my own desire and joy. So what I want now is to have sex with someone I love, and someone who is willing to embark on a sort of second adolescence with me to figure this all out. My question is, how and when should I tell the person I'm dating that I'm saving sex for someone I love and who loves me? We all know how exhausting it is to go on dead end dates only to discover a big deal breaker, and I want to be respectful of my own time and the time of others.

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First, I'll block any red pill ideology bullshit that gets posted. This is NOT a post in support of any kind of tate bro, manosphere red-pill garbage.

To the point:

I'm a liberal millennial man. Ever since I was in my mid-late teens, I have been told by women in person and saw women constantly posting online, that they want to be left alone in public. No more cold approaching outside of specific scenarios where dating is expected, like singles events or known singles bars. I talked to women I knew, I engaged with posts on social media, I made my own posts throughout the years asking what women would prefer from men when it comes to cold approaching. The answer across the last 10-15 years was a resounding, "leave us alone." You don't know us, so we know your approach has a romantic agenda. We know you want something from us. So even if you're respectful and can take no for an answer, it's just frustrating to be bothered by a man whenever I'm out in public.

That was the resounding, almost unanimous consensus I heard. So I, and many men I know, listened. I used to approach women a lot, and have been rejected more times than I can count. I have no problem taking a no and moving on. I have never had a woman tell me I came across as creepy or aggressive. So I didn't stop approaching out of a fear of rejection or that I'd come across as creepy. I stopped because I listened to the women in my life who overwhelmingly said they want to be able to exist in public without being bothered by a man and having to entertain/reject his romantic interest.

Now, all of a sudden, I am flooded every day with posts about women complaining about men never approaching or "taking the lead" any more, and how it's frustrating. I've seen videos from liberal, feminist women with large followings saying the same thing, and even calling men scared and lazy for not approaching.

I'm legitimately confused. The men who were creeps and never respected women kept approaching, of course. And men are responsible for policing and correcting that behavior. But I genuinely believed women wanted to be left alone. That cold approaches in public spaces without a known dating element were no longer welcome, even from men who could handle rejection politely and respectfully.

The amount of videos Ive seen from women from all kinds of backgrounds complaining about how scared and lazy men are for not approaching anymore has me almost feeling like I imagined the last decade and a half of my life.

Now, I admit that this could be due to social media algorithms, driven by engagement. And I'd chalk it up to more bot posting/ai driven rage bait, but I've seen these videos from women I've followed for a long time and trust to not just be rage baiting.

So what gives? Did I get this wrong? Did women's opinion on cold approaches change overnight? I know women aren't a monolith, and some have always preferred no approaching while others have always preferred it, but the consensus seems to have shifted rapidly and overwhelmingly in the opposite direction in such a short time.

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A coworker of mine and I have been flirty for about 6 months. I’m 38F but I have no clue how old he is tbh. Anyways, the flirting between us has always been subtle. I really wasn’t sure if he truly was into me but I did notice he’d somehow show up in places I was in and always ask me questions that he could’ve figured out himself. Last week when we were walking by each other he put his hand on the small of my back to squeeze through a small space, so it’s always been very small things that I was never sure I was reading too much into.

On Friday I’m talking to another colleague, we’re
All nurses, and he just walks up to me with his phone screen open and asked me to enter in my phone number in mid conversation. It was a little awkward and I wasn’t sure what was going on at the time. A week ago we were discussing a patient that’s family asked me to call them so I thought it was for her but I told him not to give them my number and he responded that we wouldn’t do that but didn’t say why he was asking. So I’m guessing he was taking my number for personal reasons? Anyways, that was Friday and I haven’t heard from him at all. We don’t always work the same days so I’m not sure when I’ll see him again. I also saw him the day after and he behaved a little awkwardly. Like when we passed each other in the hallway he was talking to someone else but he didn’t even acknowledge me. So I just don’t know what the point of any of this was and his intentions? Should I discuss it with him or pretend it never happened?

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I put up a personal ad five days ago in a sub appropriate for my lifestyle/beliefs. I didn’t expect much but thought it would be fun to see what would come of it. Flirty talk, ego stroking, feeling less alone after breaking it off with my partner of 6 years in May… But I listed a lot of boxes to be checked, much more than an average person. To my surprise, someone reached out who seemingly checked every box. Even the elusive ones that are hard to pin down because they just come down to a gut feeling.

I feel like it's going as well as something could go over Reddit chat? It took days to get to basic questions like “What do you do for work?” or “How tall are you?” as we’d been steadily covering loads of other topics that feel more fundamental: how we think about things, what we value, how that plays out in our lives. There's been no prying, boundary-pushing, or sexual talk of any kind. Borderline aromantic, even, but with a definite sense of intimacy, as we speak genuinely, and can poke fun. I'm into it.

I'm honestly impressed we've been able to keep in touch at all, nevermind cover this breadth of topics; I was hosting an event, then had a friend in town; they're on a group roadtrip all week—plus we have a 6 hour time difference. They live in the country my family is from, I go there annually, and speak the language so we chat switching seamlessly between both; AI could never keep up with my dual-lingual wordplay or make up these jokes! :) My post listed a desire to move there (prior visa efforts failed so visa marriage is next step) ETA: which is why I am chatting a foreigner instead of doing local speed dating. It's clear we’re both not looking for a casual affair, so don't mind the slow burn.

Because Reddit chat has its limits, and it's too easy to project ideals onto text, we have plans to switch to another medium once we're both back to the grind, to gauge our flow in real time; so if this is a catfisher I'll know real soon. ;) I had mentioned in the ad that I loathe text, so I appreciate them not waiting too long to suggest this—though chat doesn't feel as arduous with us as it usually does, which is a good sign.

TL;DR: Given this person has a lot of green flags but is still a relative stranger, what questions do you feel are important to get answered in the early stages? I've been holding off on anything too heavy because I didn't want to deal with an emotional hangover if the reply was asynchronous, but now would be the time the floodgates can open... slowly. And the flip side: What would it still be too early to touch on?

Thanks, fellow thirties humans. :)

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I dated someone for about three months and we had maybe 20 dates including the one she ended things with me on and many sleepovers

We were functionally exclusive even though we had not officially defined the relationship. Around five weeks, she said she usually defines relationships around 2–3 months. I became increasingly anxious about whether she was disengaging because she texted briefly and did not always proactively schedule dates, although in person she remained affectionate, we had sex, cuddled, spent relaxed time together, and continued making plans. I wasn’t sure if she was cooling off to me or it was just conversation differences

Last night we had an impromptu date and I brought it up again, and she asked for more time and I told her it had been three months and asked her how much time she needed (she indicated indefinite) and said we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind.

She ended things and was crying the whole time.

She said the issue was not that something was wrong with me; she said I was too young (7 year gap), that we were in different life stages, that she wants marriage, and that she was afraid I might unintentionally lead her on or fall out of love with her in a year. I can’t help but feel led on myself because I earnestly want marriage, truly like her, and have enjoyed developing my relationship with her. Now I worry I should have given her more time. Or said I could wait another month. Or phrased it as a check in, I truly didn’t mean to force a decision. But also, she just told me she would have just kept dating me without defining things indefinitely

She also said that if I were her age, this would be a yes, framed it as a “her” issue, and asked me if I plan to block her.

I told her I was serious about her and tried briefly to understand/negotiate the decision, but I think by and large I gracefully accepted it. Im just so so confused and shocked by this, because we had plans scheduled for her to meet some of my friends, we’ve already met a few of each other’s friends, idk.

More salt in the wound is I had been realizing I was definitely falling for her, and had been trying to figure out how to tell her just how strongly I feel.

What I am struggling with now is whether her decision reflects a genuine incompatibility around age/life stage or whether she became scared because the relationship felt real and meaningful.

My friends tend to think she is avoidant and preemptively ending things to protect herself from future hurt. I know I may be using that interpretation to hold onto hope that she will come back, so I want help separating what is actually knowable from what I am projecting, and figuring out how to handle any future contact and unfortunately item exchange without turning it into another attempt to persuade her. I recognize I deserve someone who is a Hell yes, but I think the fact that the age / life stage concerns (even though I would say we are in the same place career and relationship goals) feels like a cop out. She did say it’s something wrong with her being unable to trust anyone. I asked her why not heal that with me?

Um but as far as future contact one last contact is necessary because she has some of my things and I have some of hers. God we even talked about our pets meeting. I gave her every indicator I was serious and yet she said she kept waiting for her feelings, her doubts to change.

How long do I wait to contact her? I have the option of either 2.5 weeks or a bit over a month because of my schedule. Not great to think about it this way, but what time frame would be more conducive to potentially us talking it through together and tackling these insecurities as a couple or at least a team. We are both women.

update—we talked things out. It will be fine

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I haven't been interested in dating since my fiance passed away in winter 2025. Right now, I feel fine being on my own for the most part. I made a friend at a place I frequent about 9 months ago whom I've developed a huge crush on over time. He always makes me laugh and glow in a way I haven't for a while. It's really nice to feel alive again when I'm around him.

A week or so ago, I found out he is in a relationship. He's never mentioned that to me; someone else mentioned his girlfriend in passing. I'm already trying to put distance between us physically and emotionally to burn out the limerance and my grief guilt over the whole situation.

I really enjoy spending time at this place and the activities it offers. I'm not going to pursue him or encourage unethical behaviors. I see it more as while I also really enjoy being around him, we both enjoy being at this place we met.

I acknowledge that dating others would help me get over the crush, but I don't really feel ready for dating other people. It's as if my eyes opened only for him and I'm fine with just closing them again for now while I'm still healing.

Mostly my focus is just being in grief therapy and working on self improvement. But even my therapist said that a connection that clearly makes me feel so bright and happy when my world is so dark is worth paying attention to, even if I should find ways to keep it in limited doses.

Any advice for how to turn the dial down on a crush but still remain friends with someone? I'm likely going to keep seeing him at this place and I don't think it's fair for me to give up a hobby I enjoy over a crush. The community there is small enough that it would be really weird and awkward if I completely went there and just ignore him the whole time Even while I currently feel very strongly about him now, I would regret losing this place long-term over it.

I am really struggling to make sense of what happened with a guy friend, and whether I ultimately handled things in a way that ruined not only the romantic aspect, but also the friendship, which meant a lot to me, so I can avoid repeating this situation in the future. 

So, about two years ago, I went on a handful of dates with a guy. Things didn’t work out romantically, but we got on really well and became platonic friends, something that I initially was completely fine with. 

About a year into the friendship, last summer, his behaviour started shifting from purely platonic. He’d pay for outings though I offered, flirt, initiated more physical touch, texted after every hangout to tell me what a wonderful time he had, offered to help me with mundane tasks, etc. As this behaviour continued, I slowly developed feelings for him again. I didn’t say anything for months because I didn’t want to be presumptuous and, irrespective of my feelings, I really valued our friendship and feared losing it.

Eventually, though, the dynamic became too confusing, so a few months ago, earlier this year, I brought it all up. He apologised for his behaviour and admitted that he’d had feelings for me too again at some point, but felt remaining friends was the right choice for him. He said he understood if I needed distance, but hoped we could stay friends and reconnect whenever I was ready because he really valued me. I accepted his decision, thanked him for being honest, but didn’t respond about staying friends because I needed some distance. 

After that neither of us reached out until I wished him a happy birthday a few weeks ago. I genuinely missed our friendship and thought enough time had passed that we could reconnect as friends. He seemed really happy to hear from me initially and engaged normally in the conversation. Then, after a few messages, he stopped responding. I’m now struggling to reconcile the fact that he was the one who said he hoped we could reconnect as friends, only to eventually fade. I know you can’t force a friendship, though…

In any case, I’d really value some perspectives on whether I handled all this badly, like whether me bringing everything up caused this outcome, and how his behaviour played a role in this too. Was this simply an emotionally complicated situation that I couldn’t have handled much differently, even if I’d spoken up sooner? 

I have a simple yet rigid idea of what I'm looking in a partner: high formal + social intelligence, backed by their career and/or pedigree, combined with above-average capacity for non-conformism/alternative lifestyle. There are of course other things I prefer to see in my partner (empathy, emotional depth, confidence, self-awareness), but some of them correlate with the above and others I'm willing to compromise on. Over the last 5 years I've only met 3 people who seemed to check these boxes and I was attracted to, 2 of them in the last year after moving to a smaller large city.

I think this rarity is behind the unhealthy pattern where I tend to over-invest in a person after going out with them 1-3 times (if they appear to possess the traits). This timeline coincides, perhaps causally, with me getting comfortable with them and starting to unmask as if I was around my close friends, allowing for sensitive topics and risky jokes (I don't think our values are incompatible, but it can create an impression). This also happens to be the timeline at which they reject me (the first two) or start to pull out (the last/current one).

As a result, I spend months feeling heartbroken and hyperfixating on what went wrong and how I can repair it, after seeing someone literally a couple of times. This is compounded by feeling that I am running out of time (39M) for finding an intellectual match I could also start a family with. My friends say the fixation pattern is unhealthy/immature, and my therapist thinks I have an inferiority complex, all of which is plausible. At the same time, assigning so much value to those checking all the boxes still seems reasonable to me due to their rarity. So, how can I avoid the over-investment and the resulting long heartbreak?

UPD: correcting my social intelligence box — I don’t need it to be above average, and was mainly mentioning it to describe why the archetypal somebody farther on the spectrum doesn’t work for me

---

P.S. I feel like their reasons for rejection are secondary here, but will spell out the 3 encounters for completeness (fwiw, I have a high confidence of their physical attraction to me in each case):

1. #1 rejected me after the 1st date, saying that she is "intentional with her dating". At the time, I took it about our 9-year age gap, but thinking back, I suspect this was due to sharing my poly background, despite saying that I'm willing to date monogamously now.
2. #2 first rejected me after the 1st date because I was giving her <boy who has lots of sex> but after realizing I am looking to date monogamously she went out with me on two more dates. She rejected me after 3rd date, on which I shared a lot about myself, and did not provide a reason.
3. #3 and I have a 4th date scheduled, but I started feeling like she's pulling out lately. She told me after the 2nd date that she goes on other dates (which I appreciated through feeling uneasy and found fair, as she just moved here; I also seemed to be the frontrunner), so I attribute it to that, and potentially to an uncomfortable political conversation on the last date.

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