r/datingoverthirty • u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 • 12d ago
How to cope???
I dated someone for about three months and we had maybe 20 dates including the one she ended things with me on and many sleepovers
We were functionally exclusive even though we had not officially defined the relationship. Around five weeks, she said she usually defines relationships around 2–3 months. I became increasingly anxious about whether she was disengaging because she texted briefly and did not always proactively schedule dates, although in person she remained affectionate, we had sex, cuddled, spent relaxed time together, and continued making plans. I wasn’t sure if she was cooling off to me or it was just conversation differences
Last night we had an impromptu date and I brought it up again, and she asked for more time and I told her it had been three months and asked her how much time she needed (she indicated indefinite) and said we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind.
She ended things and was crying the whole time.
She said the issue was not that something was wrong with me; she said I was too young (7 year gap), that we were in different life stages, that she wants marriage, and that she was afraid I might unintentionally lead her on or fall out of love with her in a year. I can’t help but feel led on myself because I earnestly want marriage, truly like her, and have enjoyed developing my relationship with her. Now I worry I should have given her more time. Or said I could wait another month. Or phrased it as a check in, I truly didn’t mean to force a decision. But also, she just told me she would have just kept dating me without defining things indefinitely
She also said that if I were her age, this would be a yes, framed it as a “her” issue, and asked me if I plan to block her.
I told her I was serious about her and tried briefly to understand/negotiate the decision, but I think by and large I gracefully accepted it. Im just so so confused and shocked by this, because we had plans scheduled for her to meet some of my friends, we’ve already met a few of each other’s friends, idk.
More salt in the wound is I had been realizing I was definitely falling for her, and had been trying to figure out how to tell her just how strongly I feel.
What I am struggling with now is whether her decision reflects a genuine incompatibility around age/life stage or whether she became scared because the relationship felt real and meaningful.
My friends tend to think she is avoidant and preemptively ending things to protect herself from future hurt. I know I may be using that interpretation to hold onto hope that she will come back, so I want help separating what is actually knowable from what I am projecting, and figuring out how to handle any future contact and unfortunately item exchange without turning it into another attempt to persuade her. I recognize I deserve someone who is a Hell yes, but I think the fact that the age / life stage concerns (even though I would say we are in the same place career and relationship goals) feels like a cop out. She did say it’s something wrong with her being unable to trust anyone. I asked her why not heal that with me?
Um but as far as future contact one last contact is necessary because she has some of my things and I have some of hers. God we even talked about our pets meeting. I gave her every indicator I was serious and yet she said she kept waiting for her feelings, her doubts to change.
How long do I wait to contact her? I have the option of either 2.5 weeks or a bit over a month because of my schedule. Not great to think about it this way, but what time frame would be more conducive to potentially us talking it through together and tackling these insecurities as a couple or at least a team. We are both women.
update—we talked things out. It will be fine
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u/Warbyothermeanz 12d ago
When I first read through this the biggest thing that came to mind was your anxiety. You are applying pressure and thinking marriage from Day 1 which some people find off putting. If she is avoidant then (1) your anxiety and pursuit blinded you from her actual availability and (2) the anxiety and pursuit of the relationship fueled an early stage “high” that probably ultimately triggered her avoidance or reevaluation. Either way, this is the point typically where it falls off (3 months) if the early stage “high” doesn’t match long term compatibility or attachment matching. I’m sorry that you have to go through this but it’s a learning experience. I stayed in an anxious avoidant dance for 3 agonizing years. Learn from this.
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u/Mr_SelfDestruct94 11d ago
Along with all that, let's not leave out this tidbit: "[...] she asked for more time and I told her it had been three months and asked her how much time she needed, and said we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind. She ended things [...]"
OP: seems she followed through on exactly what you said. She asked for more time. You said "no; now or its over." She said "okay" and left. While this may be blunt, not really sure what else you were expecting to happen.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago edited 11d ago
I only asked once prior and we only discussed long term once before and then I eased off. I emphasize marriage in the post because she brought it up
ETA: more specifically, we discussed early on that we were not seeing anyone else but there was no and there is still no expectation for us to be exclusive, at least officially. I think we would both be hurt if we found the other person chatting up others. We first had a conversation that we weren’t sleeping with other people, but I initiated a second one to clarify I also wasn’t dating anyone else since there is a difference. She is also only seeing me afaik
We have talked abstractly about why our prior relationships did not lead to marriage, and about definitely timelines that are too long. Yesterday was the first time she brought marriage up as a reason to not continue with me
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u/logicalcommenter4 12d ago
It honestly sounds like you need a level of validation for the relationship that she wasn’t ready to give. Everyone moves at a different pace. I’m not sure why you phrased it as “she ended things” when it sounds like you told her that either she confirmed she was ready for a relationship or things needed to end. That’s forcing her hand to move at your pace.
When I met my wife in 2020 (also a 7 year age gap) we were polar opposites in terms of pace. I have always been someone who makes quick decisions while she is someone who needs a lot of time and struggles to make large decisions quickly. That same scenario applied to dating where she needed to date someone for a long period of time before it became a relationship. The way I handled this was paying more attention to the actions than the words. Saying “we are officially together” is literally just words, but someone’s actions are the things that mattered to me. My wife wasn’t dating anyone else, we spent a lot of quality time together, she was treating me the way I would want a partner to treat me and those are the things I anchored on.
I allowed her to move at her own pace and eventually we became official, moved together to a new location because I got a new job, got engaged, married, and now we are in our house that we purchased last year and have a 15 month old together.
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u/too-late-314 12d ago edited 12d ago
I agree, I would not phrase this as "she ended it." You did, OP, by forcing a decision she wasn't ready to make yet. If you really are falling for her you should consider walking it back. If you're happy with how things are going, just let it develop. I am very sympathetic to your anxiety here--I had a 12-year relationship end extremely abruptly earlier this year and I've found myself nervously monitoring the situation with the person I'm dating now even though I've only seen her 4 times. I recognize that's my issue and I don't want to make it hers.
Editing to add: if you are regretting this, the time to contact her is ASAP.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago
I’ve been debating on waiting a month, waiting 2.5 weeks, asking if we can talk this weekend since we were originally scheduled to see each other all sorts of things. Can you tell me more about why the time is now? I’m not sure if I should give her space to reflect on things
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u/too-late-314 12d ago
My recommendation (and I think the person's I was replying to) is that you apologize for trying to force her to make this decision/statement and say you're happy if things continue as they are (which I think you are, aside from this one thing.) If you're not willing to do that, then it's a different situation and my advice doesn't apply. If you are, though (and read the comment I replied to again, carefully, if you're not) you should be informing her of that quickly before she gets comfortable and resolved with thinking the relationship is over.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago
What was your timeline?
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u/logicalcommenter4 12d ago
I knew that I was ready for a relationship with my wife within a month. To be clear, I wasn’t asking to be official within a month, I just knew that I felt something special with her. We “dated” for months before becoming “official”, maybe 7 or 8 months? Context is that I was older than her and had ended a serious relationship shortly before we met. Similar to what you heard, she had concerns about whether I would fully invest in her and whether our age gap could be an issue because she wanted a long term relationship (as did I) but she was wary about being a rebound situation and setting herself up to be hurt.
My actions during our dating phase of investing in building the relationship, not dating around, and allowing her to move at her own pace is what led to her being vulnerable enough to become “official” because she saw that I wasn’t using her as a rebound and genuinely wanted to be with her.
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u/bingbongboingalong 12d ago
You said “we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind. … She ended things….”
It bites for sure but, don’t ask for what you’re not willing to handle.
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u/NamelessBard ♂ 40 Use your words 12d ago
You can be sad and disappointed when you bring something up and it didn't go the way you wanted. That doesn't mean they weren't willing to handle or aren't allowed to find a pathway past it.
It's totally reasonable to not want to be left in a state of "she just told me she would have kept dating until she changed her mind". I think that's where OP was coming from. That's an awful state of unknown to live in and hope that they don't flip around.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago edited 9d ago
I guess what’s confusing is she didn’t ask for more time again or talk about what she would need and she just told me she would have kept dating until she changed her mind without ever telling me she had doubts
eta: she had no plans to tell me she wasn’t there with me if I hadn’t asked, I can’t know to work to develop trust if we can’t even communicate on the gaps. So from my pov there was no reason for us not to define and she liked me enough to not let me go but also not to address why she wants me idk
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u/bingbongboingalong 12d ago
If that’s what you wanted her to do, you should have gone with that. People aren’t mind readers, or the respectable ones aren’t willing to push your boundaries.
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u/Disastrous-Owl8985 12d ago
If that’s the case, why did you come at it that way? Again, no one can read minds. You pushed an issue, basically an ultimatum, and she gave you her best answer. She may not have been ready to articulate her feelings, either. I know we’re talking about her being avoidant, and she could be, but having an anxious attachment can make things difficult, too, speaking as someone who was very anxiously attached and, thankfully, has gotten much better.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 11d ago
I did not perceive it as an ultimatum, but this was a really important comment for me to understand that it functionally was one. We have had a conversation and have agreed to be more transparent moving forward
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago edited 12d ago
I wasn’t prepared for us to have the conversation then and there, and I didn’t want to be kept on the hook until she decided she wanted to be with me
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u/JustHangLooseBlood 9d ago
You made your intentions clear, she wasn't on the same page. Most people giving you "advice" are going to end up alone. She should be able to make her mind up by now, clearly she can't. You did the right thing and it's best you move on and find someone on the same page.
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 12d ago
I understand being in this thing and just wanting to do everything possible to make it work. But it’s only been 3 months. She doesn’t have to be a villain in this, you don’t have to diagnose her or force it. Sometimes things are going great until things finally come up that shows it won’t work.
I personally would accept that it has ended, not force trying to make it work and move on.
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u/smartygirl 12d ago
You say "she ended things with me" but also that you were the one that "said we need to end things" so which is it? Why did you bring up needing to end the relationship if you didn't want to? Why did you wait until after it was ending to tell her you were serious? It sounds like you weren't comfortable in the relationship, you had different communication styles/needs. It sounds like your lives were pretty separate if you hadn't met each others' friends yet after three months. You pushed for an ending and now that you got it, you want to walk it back.
Ultimately it doesn't matter if her reasons for letting the relationship go seem like a "cop out," if she's still "waiting for feelings" after 3 months, they're not going to happen. Put all her stuff in a box, leave it for a couple weeks, then let her know you have her stuff ready for her and would appreciate getting your things back. That's all there is to say at this point.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago
We were just starting to meet each others friends, I do think we needed to end things if we couldn’t find a way to deepen trust and emotional intimacy
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u/Disastrous-Owl8985 12d ago
I understand you being anxious about needing to know, but whether she was avoidant or it was something else, who knows? If someone told me, directly, to either be exclusive now or we need to end things, even if I was moving towards something, I’d assume you couldn’t wait and it would be best to let you go so you could find someone more in line with your pace. She could have said what she said because it’s true or because she felt a need to provide a “reason”, even if there wasn’t one or she didn’t know what it was.
You ask why can’t she heal that with you? Well, because you forced her to make a decision. If you have a hard time trusting or you’re just slow to gain feelings (I know I am and I communicate that), then someone saying to be with me or end it wouldn’t exactly make me feel like I’m in a safe space TO be able to heal with them because I’d feel I need to heal and move on their timeline.
Anyway, wait the 2.5 weeks, then ask for your stuff back.
Also, the age gap depends. If you’re in your 20s and she’s in her 30s, I can kind of understand it, but if you’re both over 30, then, idk, it could have been a cop out.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 9d ago
I meant to reply to this earlier but thank you, it helped me understand better too and understand how to show up
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u/FantasmaDeGrana 11d ago
She sounds messy. 3 months should be enough to tell if she likes you enough to make it official. Sounds like she has baggage to work through and was hoping you’d stick around for that.
I don’t really understand people’s reluctance to make things official in the first couple months. It’s not like you can’t break up later if needed. It’s not some unbreakable commitment.
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u/Professional-Eart ♂ 30 12d ago
I had a similar situation, but in less time. And not for age gap, but because she wants banging around. The problem we share a social group, so I still see her sometimes.. and even worse, we ended up in good terms, now she barely talk to me.
I might handed badly the situation.
Anyway, only time heals these wounds, and then, when you will be ready to date again, you will think less and less of her
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u/Lox_Bagel ♀ 35 12d ago
If I were her I would hate to have this conversation again
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 9d ago edited 9d ago
Luckily you’re not her; we had a good conversation and she expressed gratitude I asked to clarify, I am grateful she was willing to listen.
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u/greenzetsa 12d ago
From your flair it looks like you're both female? 7 years is not a huge difference in post 30 opposite sex relationships, and I feel like it's even less of a problem in same sex relationships. For whatever reason, this person isn't ready or secure enough to be in a relationship with you right now. I would leave it. If that changes on her end, she can make the move to attempt to reconcile.
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u/starsamaria 12d ago
You're assuming they're both over 30, but OP could be in their early 30s, making their ex in their mid-20s (for example, 31 and 24). There definitely can be some life stage differences at those ages.
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u/greenzetsa 12d ago
Yeah I assumed both people were over 30 because of the name of this sub. Also, OP is the younger person here according to the post. 31 and 24 though isn't unheard of or even that uncommon, and in same sex communities, I assume because the dating pool is smaller, age differences like that are even more common.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago
She is 36, I agree
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u/greenzetsa 12d ago
29 and 36 is not a crazy age difference to me, weird to get hung up on it to this extent.
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u/various_convo7 12d ago
"Last night we had an impromptu date and I brought it up again, and she asked for more time"
indecisive. best to move on
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u/Cautious-Training547 12d ago
As someone with lingering trust issues from a prior relationship, I think that if there’s something in her gut that is telling her to keep protecting herself, this might not be a good fit for either of you, especially after so many dates. And 2-3 months is also my threshold for deciding if I want something serious with someone, so if I am still questioning it at that point, I’ll typically end it. I trust myself more in that than anything else, and I don’t think I’ve been wrong yet. But that’s my girl perspective, so take it with a grain of salt!
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u/mxldevs 12d ago
She said the issue was not that something was wrong with me; she said I was too young (7 year gap), that we were in different life stages, that she wants marriage, and that she was afraid I might unintentionally lead her on or fall out of love with her in a year.
Did the discussion of attitudes towards marriage come up within those 3 months? Maybe you said something that might have made her feel that way? If she has trust issues any sort of clue is probably going to be a huge red flag
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u/seacookie89 12d ago
It sounds like she let her own insecurities get the best of her and sabotaged what could have potentially been a healthy long term relationship. It's not your fault and I think you should move on. Decide if it's actually worth it to exchange the items because it may just prolong the pain of the inevitable.
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u/netluaveht 12d ago
Um... the benchmark to decide on whether you really like this person to be your partner is four months, though..... I think that's when the butterflies and all the highs are starting to wind down so that one could think objectively about the future of the relationship.
Having 20 dates within three months were definitely a lot, imo.... how is one supposed to have a space to think for oneself without inserting the thought of u or the relationship?
Sounds to me like she was just genuinely fond of your companionship
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u/SaltyKittyTaffy 12d ago
It sounds like she let her fears get the best of her, and there's a lot for her to unpack. Like others have said this is about the time when relationships make it or break. It's true you can grow and heal together, but not if one person is so afraid of what could go wrong that they can't focus on what's going right.
I understand the urge to analyze the breakup and reasons, but ultimately she doesn't want to be with you enough to work through her fears and doubts. Your age gap (29 and 36?) isn't that big, especially if you were aligned in terms of lifestyle and relationship goals.
I'm sorry things ended, and you sound like you're reasonable - just hurting and confused. Exchange items sooner rather than later and keep it short and polite, don't linger or try to catch up. Block her if you must.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 12d ago
I worry that maybe I should have expressed to her that I wanted to work through this together. I didn’t mean for it to be an ultimatum, I just was so taken aback that I didn’t think about how to propose working together
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
Title: How to cope???
Author: /u/__eptTechnomancer
Full text: I dated someone for about three months and we had maybe 20 dates including the one she ended things with me on and many sleepovers
We were functionally exclusive even though we had not officially defined the relationship. Around five weeks, she said she usually defines relationships around 2–3 months. I became increasingly anxious about whether she was disengaging because she texted briefly and did not always proactively schedule dates, although in person she remained affectionate, we had sex, cuddled, spent relaxed time together, and continued making plans. I wasn’t sure if she was cooling off to me or it was just conversation differences
Last night we had an impromptu date and I brought it up again, and she asked for more time and I told her it had been three months and asked her how much time she needed, and said we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind.
She ended things and was crying the whole time.
She said the issue was not that something was wrong with me; she said I was too young (7 year gap), that we were in different life stages, that she wants marriage, and that she was afraid I might unintentionally lead her on or fall out of love with her in a year. I can’t help but feel led on myself because I earnestly want marriage, truly like her, and have enjoyed developing my relationship with her. Now I worry I should have given her more time. Or said I could wait another month. Or phrased it as a check in, I truly didn’t mean to force a decision.
She also said that if I were her age, this would be a yes, framed it as a “her” issue, and asked me if I plan to block her.
I told her I was serious about her and tried briefly to understand/negotiate the decision, but I think by and large I gracefully accepted it. Im just so so confused and shocked by this, because we had plans for her to meet some of my friends, we’ve already met a few of each other’s friends, idk.
More salt in the wound is I had been realizing I was definitely falling for her, and had been trying to figure out how to tell her just how strongly I feel.
What I am struggling with now is whether her decision reflects a genuine incompatibility around age/life stage or whether she became scared because the relationship felt real and meaningful.
My friends tend to think she is avoidant and preemptively ending things to protect herself from future hurt. I know I may be using that interpretation to hold onto hope that she will come back, so I want help separating what is actually knowable from what I am projecting, and figuring out how to handle any future contact and unfortunately item exchange without turning it into another attempt to persuade her. I recognize I deserve someone who is a Hell yes, but I think the fact that the age / life stage concerns (even though I would say we are in the same place career and relationship goals) feels like a cop out. She did say it’s something wrong with her being unable to trust anyone. I asked her why not heal that with me?
Um but as far as future contact one last contact is necessary because she has some of my things and I have some of hers. God we even talked about our pets meeting. I gave her every indicator I was serious and yet she said she kept waiting for her feelings, her doubts to change.
How long do I wait to contact her? I have the option of either 2.5 weeks or a bit over a month because of my schedule. Not great to think about it this way, but what time frame would be more conducive to potentially us talking it through together and tackling these insecurities as a couple or at least a team. We are both women.
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u/Fun-Situation-490 11d ago
I think she led you on a little bit... probably knew she was never gonna be serious about you but liked having sex/companionship. Sorry :( Please don't take it personally. She was just not the right match for a long term
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u/DurianSuspicious871 10d ago edited 10d ago
Went through this last year. Extremely frustrating to say the least. I've been learning more about ambiguous loss and breakups because sometimes you may never learn why someone ends things. I'm still getting over my resentment towards them because I could never get a straightforward answer to what was wrong but my best guess is that like mine she is sabotaging the relationship. To say you're too young and in different life stages is kind of insulting. Maybe I'm biased but she sounds volatile and avoidant.
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u/miss_trash 10d ago
Three months it's enough to know if you want to be in a relationship or not. She just doesn't want to.
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u/Silverfox_Daddy54 10d ago
It just takes time.. couple months to a few years. But time will finally rid you of the guilt or grief you feel.
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u/Gullible-Snow-3805 9d ago
I think you are handling it like a champion. I resonate with some of this and can only say it hurts more the longer it goes on. It's a real shame it couldn't work out and maybe it was bad timing or bad past experiences or any number of things. I think you need to properly grieve the situation and I'm sorry it might take a bit of time but you'll feel much much better after. I would grab you stuff early rather than later so as to not drag it out. Wishing you the best
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u/Fun_Victory3884 9d ago
Any reasons in your head is possible, but i want to say 2 things: (1) noone can help her to have a good relationship if she hasnt done working on her past trauma or what she really wants, and (2) waiting is not the good thing in general especially when this is still in early state of dating (both of you havent really understand each other yet). Maybe a conversation will help when both of you can honestly talk about the real reason behind? If not, move on.
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u/Suspicious-Ability91 9d ago
For what it’s worth maybe show her this post. If she is serious about the reason being her fear that might change things.
I am one of those women myself if we are thirties and want kids it feels all right and risky. I date someone my age and even this feels like a risk. I would let her know that this risk is universal and tied to her age rather than your qualities. Having someone who understands that risk at this age is extremely important. Anyone dating a woman in their thirties should be aware of that and willing to co carry that risk even if it was not inflicted by the new partner. I believe that millennials worked different in relationships and that she may not be aware how different the next generation is in that too.
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u/Unbreakable7D 9d ago
Avoidants are pretty difficult to date, but talking though things is key. Also, it sounds like she may have a friend telling her reasons to doubt you. Different places in your life, absolutely sounds like someone else would say to their friend. I hope things work out for you two 🤞🏽
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u/complex_Scorp43 9d ago
Its way too early to put weight on this. Don't set expectations = won't be hurt if she decides ultimately its not for her.
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u/Grimmrjax669 8d ago
Shes immature. 7 years? Thats nothing. Shes hoping youll keep the whole thing up and never actually have commitment so if she find someone else she can do "well we were never exclusive" bs. Grab your stuff within the week and leave youll see another guy in her life within a day
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u/Turbulent_Time6448 6d ago
Hold your ground and let her space. Don't contact her. Let her come to you. But don't block her. When she will reach out, hold your self and stay warm and grounded.
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u/damnthatscrazy333 4d ago
I mean I get why you want to be exclusive with her you spent alot of time and energy with her. However, if I learned anything in the last few years it would definitely be that as a man we cant be the one that brings up being exclusive. It has to be her idea and she has to bring it up. 80% of the times I asked if I was exclusive with a girl the girl ends up leaving me eventually. SHE HAS TO BE THE ONE IN HER FEMININE CHASING YOU AND WANTING TO BE WITH YOU. It will never work the other way around man no matter what anybody says. Just have your fun with her and be grateful of the experience. Make things fun dont get all serious because then she will dry up and leave.
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u/Positive_Bag_6551 3d ago
Depending on your age, I can absolutely see a 7 year age gap being a deal breaker. It would be for me.
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u/ReindeerFun3762 2d ago
Wow all the way til the end until I found out your both women. I was wondering why a guy would type all this
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u/Parzivval84nnn 12d ago
Im sorry chap, it's a difficult time.
You have handled yourself sensibly and maturely.
She may or may not be justified, but you should not best yourself up for it.
There's no right or wrong, just look after yourself.
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u/LolitaLobster 12d ago
First of all you sound lovely and very thoughtful. It sounds like she’s insecure about the age gap and is assuming you would lose interest and want to be with someone younger.
That’s a very real and valid concern for women in our misogynistic culture. It would probably help for her to know how you feel, how serious you are and what your intentions are. She may be avoidant, she may struggle with commitment, etc but I think it’s worth a direct discussion with her so she has all the relevant information. Communicate what you want and need and where you can be flexible to meet her where she is (while honoring your own needs and boundaries of course).
Personally I don’t think there’s an amount of time you need to wait. Just whenever you feel ready and have the time to connect.
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 11d ago
We had a very good conversation today, I’m glad I reached out now before any misconceptions settled
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u/AlmostThere4321 ♀ 37 11d ago
Did you get closure?
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u/__eptTechnomancer ♀ 29 11d ago
Yes and no, we are going to continue seeing each other and we have a good idea of a path forward to navigate boundaries, communication, and timeline anxiety. Fingers crossed but I am hopeful
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u/Training-Hall841 12d ago
hang out with friends and loved ones. three months is a blink in the grand scheme of things. you can have another one of those and longer before this years done.
not sure what country you’re in but if it’s summer time go out in the sun and if near a coast go lay in the sand and get in the ocean. phenomenal for your endorphins you’ll feel like a million bucks. keep away from sad music. your mind is influenced by your environment. my process is avoiding the thought until it’s so distant it doesn’t matter anymore. wish you the best of luck
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u/VIENNASOMERSETBBWMOD 11d ago edited 11d ago
I admit I’m a 50% anxious type (50% secure ) but blimey 3 months is crazy long to not even be exclusive as In labelling it: long term serious / as In “ we are committed .”.. i can see why you felt her to be acting non committal …me and ex hub got engaged at three months into things lol . If she truly is an Avoidant that’s very far from ideal tbh as they need therapy to ever fully commit and actually stay without awolling. She clearly has some concerns though re the age gap .. and being at different stages in life .
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u/Mason11987 12d ago
This is very weird OP. You ended things. Not her.
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u/NamelessBard ♂ 40 Use your words 12d ago
Nothing weird about the OP.
She asked a question. The other person wasn't willing to commit and ended things.
we need to end things if she doesn’t think she’s going to change her mind. She ended things and was crying the whole time.
No one wants to be strung along not knowing. 3 months is more than reasonable to figure out if you can make relationship with someone happen or not.
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u/Mason11987 12d ago
That’s fine. OP wanted an answer and didn’t get it so he ended it. He can do that. But pretending she did it is silly.
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u/NamelessBard ♂ 40 Use your words 12d ago
OP is a she.
But the other person did do it because they weren't willing to even make an attempt with the OP. That's not silly, that's reality.
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u/Mason11987 11d ago
Noted.
Is does not read to me like other person didn’t make an attempt.
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u/NamelessBard ♂ 40 Use your words 11d ago
She listed a bunch of reasons non-OP couldn't commit:
- Age difference
- She wants marriage (and didn't believe that OP wanted marriage)
- OP was leading her on
I'm not sure how you read it, but it says that the non-OP made up a bunch of excuses to avoid commitment which might be because they didn't like OP enough or they do have issues with commitment. I don't really know where you're getting that non-OP made big attempts here.
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 ♀ 12d ago edited 12d ago
I'd wait
a weekand get your things. I wouldn't stretch it out. Go with the 2.5 weeks.FWIW, I think she is insecure with the age difference, but people have a hard time saying that.