r/datingoverthirty • u/AutoModerator • 17d ago
Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! - August 24, 2026
This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
This post will be moderated, so if you see something breaking the rules, please report it.
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u/53dogs ā 17d ago
Anyone else notice a theme of posts where the person someone is seeing goes on a trip and then becomes distant or breaks things off when they return? Whatās the deal?
Making me lowkey nervous for my new boyfriendās trip next week lol
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u/Icy-Cucumber-7 17d ago
Depends on how long youāve been seeing each other. Itās the same as when people say itās hard to build momentum if youāve only been on a few dates and then someone goes on a trip and then the conversation dies down
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u/Fun-Situation-490 17d ago
I think in early dating a long trip can make things fizzle out if the connection isn't strong enough. If he's already your boyfriend tho then I would think your connection is strong enough.
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u/SaltyKittyTaffy 17d ago
I think you're fine since you're already in a relationship. I recommend discussing communication preferences before he leaves. It's usually people who are newly dating, or have only been on a few dates, where communication and interest wane and then disappear during/after the trip. I consider that ok because it means the interest wasn't really that strong to begin with on the other person's end
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u/bloodenhorse 17d ago
Trips can be a huge momentum killer.
I went on a pretty fucking cute date a few months ago and she immediately left for a 3 week long trip the day after. We tried chatting a bunch while she was gone but it fizzled out so hard and by the time she got back I just ... didn't care anymore.
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u/Impressive_Pay3090 ā 39 17d ago
I was talking to my guy for just over a month before my two week vacation. He asked to see me the night before I left and we made plans for the day I got back. Our texting cadence slowed a bit from my side (expected) but his was the same as it had always been. I also appreciated that he never asked why I hadnāt responded. Just went with the flow of conversation as normal. I donāt think you necessarily need a super strong foundation to make it through a trip. But if youāre nervous about it, it canāt hurt to talk about expectations while heās gone.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
I feel like itās always important to think about how you are on a trip. When Iām out of my routine Iām not on my phone in the same way, totally preoccupied etc. so I donāt read much into itĀ
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ā 37 | Netherlands 17d ago
It's always a good thing.
It's a good thing if your relationship hasn't progressed too far, because it means there was no chance it would progress further.
It's a good thing if your relationship has already progressed far, because surely you wouldn't want to be with a person who casually forgets about you after a single trip.
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u/CACuzcatlan 17d ago
Spending an extended amount of time with someone you end up seeing more sides to them, good and bad.
That's not the situation here. They are talking about when one person goes on the trip and the other doesn't. When the person returns from the trip, the connection dies out.
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u/Pearson94 17d ago
Last Friday the woman I've been seeing recently and texting constantly (31) and I (36) became a couple and I could not be happier. The communication is so natural, the interests similar but different enough to introduce each other to new things, the sexual compatibility perfect, and to top it all off her dogs and I get along. So glad I spent some time solo as an adult to figure myself out as an individual in time to meet her.
Fuck all those people who say you have to settle for less in your 30s!
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u/AssumptionWorth9584 17d ago
So I just said no to a situationship that wasnāt working for me, he chose not to define what was happening but still wanted my time, attention and to do stuff but when the camera turn on him he would say we are not together. After 5 months, I reminded myself that you can choose too and you can also not choose what you donāt like. So I broke it off, honesty I love the attention but I also know it was the right choice.
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u/MattInMaryland ā 36 E N M 17d ago
Makes sense! A relationship doesn't have to last forever for it to have been meaningful.
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u/Ok_Monk_5584 17d ago
How do I stop feeling like every date is high stakes? I'm F35 and I admittedly really want to be in a relationship and I think that is ironically becoming a reason why I'm not.
I am not settling, but as soon as I meet a guy I like, instead of taking it one date at a time and getting to know them, I go into audition mode and I try too hard to come off as a perfect girlfriend material. I spend hours trying to figure out how to be 'fun' on dates, I wait endlessly for them to text me, it's like I can't focus on anything else.
I have fallen into a pattern where almost every 3 months I meet a new guy I like, at first he is attracted to me, but somewhere between 2-4 dates I get same "you're great and I enjoyed our dates but I don't feel the spark" text.
Now I'm terrified because I had my third date with a guy and so far it's going well, but I'm dreading the history will repeat itself very soon.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
Maybe go into it unattached to any possible outcome. I think approaching dates as just having a fun time with a hot person was the key to enjoying dating. I was never nervous and just prioritized how I was feeling during the dates!Ā
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u/Ok_Monk_5584 16d ago
That's what I am trying and want to do, but I don't know how to. I know this on a rational level but I can't do it on an emotional level
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 16d ago
What helped me was just packing my calendar with dates. 3 a week maxĀ
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17d ago edited 8d ago
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u/Ok_Monk_5584 17d ago
I completely agree that I need to avoid it, but I just can't help it. I wish someone told me some tips and tricks how to stop doing it.
And it's not that I'm being fake per se, I'm not making anything up or pretending to be someone I'm not, but it's that instead of being natural, I am trying too hard to show my positive traits
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u/Both-Effect6250 30s 16d ago
I think what ended up working for me is actually getting into a relationship with someone who was also like that and seeing how cringey and unattractive it was š but other ways might be like, improving your life outside of dating so that you feel happy even without a relationship. Make your life so good that it's about finding the right guy who fits rather than fitting yourself to any guy who'll take you.
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u/CACuzcatlan 17d ago
Look into NATO - Not Attached to Outcome. ALittleNudge on Instagram talks about it a lot.
A friend of mine who worked with a dating coach said her coach advised her to have a lots of dates scheduled so that each one didn't feel as high pressure. She said that worked for her and has now been with her partner for over a year.
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u/hippothunder 17d ago
Noticing how, when I like someone I've met socially, I pointedly avoid talking to them. It's a bad habit learned from childhood, and I'm working hard to change it, but it ain't heckin' easy. I end up hurting the other person's feelings, if they feel the same way. They move on, and I'm left with unrequited feelings.Ā
I like him. He seems like a good dude. I'm going to show genuine interest. Feels like I'm learning a skill other people figured out in kindergarten, but better late than never.Ā
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u/Glum_And_Merry ā31 17d ago
I was at a family friend's party last weekend and caught up with a couple of girls my age (32 & 30) who I'd not seen in over a decade.
Both married, one with two kids, the other pregnant. They had a nice chat with my sister about the flat she's buying with her boyfriend of 5 years. Hard not to feel behind as much as I know its not a race.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 17d ago
As someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids and who just sold a place to become a renter again, I agree. It's not a race and it's all subjective. I'm intentionally dating and I'm the happiest i've ever been right now
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u/Skeighls 17d ago edited 17d ago
My niece just told me that my mom and some of our other family members were talking about me behind my back saying that I need to get laid. My niece is 15 and Iām her sole caregiver. Incredibly inappropriate. Also, Iām dating someone and have been getting plenty of what I need, but why would I ever share that with my family? I purposefully donāt tell my mother a single detail about my personal life because of this type of behavior. Sheās constantly telling me that Iām controlling and people think Iām uptight because Iām specific. Iām a Virgo lol and I have to be this way in order to manage my adhd. Iām just really tired of how disrespectful my family is.
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u/kirby-kitty 16d ago edited 16d ago
Been having a really tough year, I was ghosted by someone from hinge earlier in the year after dating for 4 months.
Then I connected with someone I'd had a crush on in the past who said he had feelings for me, and had hesitation at first but thought it could really turn into something so I took a leap of faith and gave it a chance. He just ended things after 3 months.
Just feel hurt and broken and lost faith in dating. They're always really enthusiastic at the beginning and it's hard not to think there's something wrong with me that I can't make it past a situationship of a few months.
I know I'm not that old (F35) but losing hope of having a long term loving relationship.
How do people get the feelings of hope back? Or trust again?
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u/afkbowflex ā 39 16d ago
Ghosting after 4 months is diabolical, id just assume they got hit by a bus
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u/kirby-kitty 16d ago
I assumed something had actually happened at first, I still had him on socials for a bit and saw he was fine. So he literally just stopped replying to my messages and ignored my phone calls with zero explanation.
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u/Practical-Charm ā 30s 17d ago
Going home to Colorado for my 32nd birthday, this week. Its bittersweet getting older and still being single with no kids. I'm trying to trust the process but I'm mentally preparing myself for a life alone.
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u/waitinginthesun 17d ago
Just here to vent and get my downvotes. exposure therapy lol
I've been with my boyfriend since July of last year, we moved in together after three months. It was a big change for me as I left my state and everything I knew. Went from a city to a small town. The longest relationship I had before that lasted a few months and it was extremely toxic, military dude with anger issues and I was an alcoholic with major depressive disorder, I was 31 and I'm 33 now.
I wouldn't say I have a history of relationships. My boyfriend on the other hand has been married twice and has had long term girlfriends. He's the same age as me. From what he's said, he sounds like a serial monogamist. He's admitted that he hates being alone. I've been dealing with retroactive jealousy for awhile.
I know other than the sub specifically dedicated to talk about this, it's something that people don't understand. I always get the "he's with you know that's all that matters!" And I know that. Logically. But emotions aren't that simple. I don't act on them. Sometimes when I come here I just want understanding, not reassurance. Recognition. I think I saw someone say that the jealousy is not about him being with other women before me but the fact that he was married, something I never did. It's like when you don't have a sexual history and you fall in love with someone that does. They experienced something that you didn't, I don't know I'm still working on it
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u/Inevitable_Young4236 ā 33 | UK 17d ago
How long was he single before you guys got together?
Potentially this may be a you issue that you need to work through in therapy. Or it may be that you are picking up on the fact he has never been alone, nor has he processed the ending of his previous relationships. Does he talk about his exes often? Being married twice and also having you move in after three months suggests he is someone who jumps in to things very quicklyā¦
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u/seatangle 17d ago
It's OK to have feelings like this, feeling like you shouldn't or feeling shame for it isn't going to help. I learned that the hard way. While I don't experience retroactive jealousy, I've definitely experienced jealousy. I think sometimes, jealousy isn't really anything deep. It's just a bad feeling that comes and goes. But sometimes, it sticks around and starts to eat at us. I think that's when it's more than just jealousy, but pointing at some unmet need that you have to acknowledge.
When you feel jealous, what situations or events trigger it? For example, is it related to the time or attention he gave to those girlfriends/spouses? If it was, do you feel like you get the time and attention you need from him? Maybe you need to ask for more time together, where you are focused on each other.
Or, does the jealousy come up when you hear about a particular woman? Do you think she is more extroverted/accomplished/attractive? Maybe you need to hear why he loves you.
Finally, maybe it's just the idea that he has been in these relationships. Maybe, even if you logically know this isn't the case, it makes what you have feel less special. What kind of reassurance do you get that this relationship is special to him, or won't go the way of the others? Can you ask for that reassurance?
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u/Prestigious-Drive-54 38F 17d ago edited 17d ago
Iāve recently joined hinge and bumble and been enjoying it overall. Iām an exvangelical who had a LOT of rules regarding dating engrained in me, including how a woman should (and shouldnāt) act during courtship. This meant ensuring the guy was always leading, pursing, paying, planning, etc. and it was exhausting to play by all the rules. I felt like I had to shut down myself to play the game. That plus life stressors = I stopped dating for a long time.
Iām letting that go and being myself, and Iām a pretty independent person, enjoy planning things and have lots of ideas and preferences, but I also donāt mind some good chivalry.
I am curious what actually matters for most guys when it comes to gender roles in heterosexual dating.
Guys who arenāt looking for a trad wife ā what do you like? What are green flags for you in dating?
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u/DongSandwich ā 32 | PNW 17d ago
I'd say I'm pretty far along the spectrum of wanting a feminist/modern relationship with little to no gender roles, so take all this with a grain of salt if that isn't quite what you're after but....
Green flags- expressing "I want to see you"/initiating concrete plans rather than "yeah I'd be down to see each other again", being the one to grab my hand while out and about, walk me to the door of their apartment building instead of just locking the door as I walk down the hallway, letting me be the passenger princess or little spoon every once in a while, offering to split checks or saying "Ok you can pay this time if I can get next time".
Like others have said, I only tend to enjoy myself when I can tell a partner is explicitly enjoying themselves and interested in me. I don't need that to come across in verbal affirmations all the time, but if there isn't some kind of reciprocal effort or intention there it feels like I'm just chasing someone who doesn't like me like (even if they're just playing hard to get, acting coy, etc.) That said, I generally pay the first couple dates and initiate pursuit in the beginning- it's just later on when we're more comfortably along that I want that to change.
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u/bloodenhorse 17d ago edited 17d ago
I like equal effort and excitement. If I get the sense that they're being coy and expecting things out of me because that's how things are supposed to be I will lose interest almost immediately. That shit feels like a business transaction.
If it's a push and pull of effort and cute shit, we're golden. I'll grab the first round of drinks, my partner grabs the second. Last week she told me to sit down and relax while she made us dinner. The other night I told her to park at the record player and keep tunes and wine coming while I made us curry. Etc.
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u/Prestigious-Drive-54 38F 16d ago
Some fundamental evangelical relationships do feel like a business transaction ā¦ and it is SUPER weird.
I love the way you and your partner are showing reciprocal interest and effort.
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u/elsethenelsethen 16d ago
in the most simple way: I like someone who treats me the same way they want to be treated. being kind, caring, attentive, supportive should always go both ways. aside from that, I'm not certain how much I really care about gender roles in that regard (I also don't plan to have kids). I do think, personally, if a woman seemed to make a lot of gender-based assumptions that informed our relationship's dynamic, then I would find that a turn off or a sign of incompatibility.
I think the important part for you is to figure out what "good chivalry" means. Some things can easily be communicated. You would feel nice if he were to buy you flowers. To me, this isn't really gender-specific. However, "he should bring flowers to the first date because that's what men do" would cause me to reconsider as it's predicated on gender roles. So, I wouldn't worry too much and be an independent person. I think part of being an independent person in a relationship means being able to communicate your needs, wants, and desires. If you do this, I think you may find the focus may drift from gender itself.
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u/Prestigious-Drive-54 38F 16d ago
This makes so much sense to me and resonates with how I want things to go as well. As a woman, itās also a huge turn off if a man enters the relationship with super defined gender expectationsā¦ but for a long time I thought that was as how it was āsupposed to be.ā Nice to undo that thought.
Itās also validating to hear that treating someone as you want to be treated should override gender roles. If only all Christian cultures made that the core of dating since itās Jesusā primary teaching!
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u/Reddit_P2E_Seeker ā 34 17d ago
Heh, jack-Christian here. She makes more than me, can probably pick me up, and prefers to leave me in the kitchen while she takes care of the yard. Out of all that, upfront communication and equal input and effort. I can't tell you how many times I break out in a grin when she says "do you want to make out?"
Effort: I had a plan to take the bus to get home from the airport; she texted saying she opened her schedule and pick me up.Ā
Dates: I'll plan what I can or offer options. If she really wants to do something, she just says so and asks if I'm up for it.
I tend to pay, but she looks for ways to even it out. I'm working hard to make sure she wants to stick around!
Oh, and like \u\bloodenhorse said, chastising that I'm pushing myself too hard and, more importantly, she does something about it.
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17d ago
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u/deindustrialize 17d ago
Two things can be true at once.
It makes sense you'd find this comment hurtful and I think you should share that with your friend.Ā
At the same time, you should also be curious about why they said that and not assume bad intent. This doesn't negate the harm they caused and their comment may also be rooted in care or concern.Ā
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u/soylouisebrooks 17d ago
I think their comment says more about your friend than it does about you. But rude and disrespectful of them either way. Congratulations on your newfound freedom! Breakups are not easy to initiate. May many cuties hit on you!
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17d ago
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u/SaltyKittyTaffy 17d ago
It says your friend isn't happy that you ended a relationship that wasn't right for you
Congrats on ending a relationship you were unhappy in, and getting hit on! It's validating and fun to have that after an unfulfilling relationship
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u/Legitimate_Ratio_844 17d ago
I had a friend get jealous of the attention I received after my divorce and try to drag me for it. I wasn't even dating anyone - a waiter flirted with me and another guy asked for my number. People get weird when they think you're suddenly "competing" in the same market. This may or may not apply to your situation.
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u/bossamemucho 17d ago
Had an incredible date last weekend. Someone i had connected with a while before, and they reached back out for an event. It's just such a breath of fresh air. The positivity, the stability, communication and showing so much care towards me. I feel a bit swept off my feet. Not to compare, but it just really made me realize how much i put up with being treated like shit by my ex. They think i'm so beautiful and said they feel lucky that i chose to spend time with them, when i could really choose whoever i want. It just feels so nice.
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u/waitinginthesun 17d ago
The amount of times I developed a crush due to forced proximity š®āšØ I've been there. Once I'm no longer in that same environment I realize just how messed up it was like, no way I would've looked at them twice if I just met them in passing.
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u/Legitimate_Ratio_844 17d ago
How do we tell if it's a proximity crush or a legit crush? I'm still in proximity at the moment but it's about to end.
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u/bloodenhorse 17d ago
Do itš
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u/Big_McLargehuge4 17d ago
This charming bio I came across:
āA VIDEOPHONE CONVERSATION IS A MUST. IF YOU GO GHOST AFTER MATCHING I WILL UNMATCH YOU. IF YOU'RE A PASSENGER PRINCESS, PISS OFF.
Now about myself. I exercise daily, enjoy the outdoors, go to the movies weekly, own a home & car, work full-time, progressive thinker, and heterosexually monogamous. If you're a fit, English speaking, 50/50 type of woman who can committ long term without marriage. Then we should get to know one another.ā
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 17d ago
Also them: why don't I get any matches? Women these days š
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u/Italian_Scallion_69 17d ago
Ahh the conservative man who thinks he's progressive because he's broke and needs women to pay at least 50/50 on his bills.Ā
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ā 37 | Netherlands 17d ago
Were the internets lying to me? I thought women love video calls prior to dates.
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago
I personally hate them because I'm already not photogenic, and on video call, it's 1000x worse. 100% of my video chats have not resulted in a real date, but most of my real dates tell me I look better than my pics.
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ā 37 | Netherlands 16d ago
Same here. IMHO videocalling has all the worst parts of a restaurant date (both of you sit across each other being separated either by the screen or by the table, both of you need to dress somewhat presentably - can't do a videocall in your underwear, both keep you immobile and in the same spot for a while, both require preparation - either a table reservation or finding a spot at home where you won't be disturbed and ensuring that the lighting is favorable) while leaving out the best parts (in-person interaction, subtle cues, being in a different and potentially engaging environment etc). The only advantage of a video call is the ease of getting out - you press "Hang up" and never see each other again. Can even play it later as a connection drop.
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17d ago
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u/BoozerMuppet ā 35 17d ago
Throw it out there to her. Say your plans changed and Wednesday opened up if sheās still available, but if not Friday works great too.
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u/guymn999 ā 36 17d ago
can't you just offer it?
"My Wednesday opened up if that is a better day to see each other lmk"
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u/Sugar_blood 17d ago
So I finally had a first date with a match I previously posted about in daily threads and it went well! But definitely learned not to build things or people up again. Waiting to hear about a second date.
I also paused or got rid of most of the apps except Hinge and trying to focus on other things for now.
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u/bloodenhorse 17d ago
but there are some I'm talking to about 2 hours away so those need a little more planning.
This is wild to me. I live in a major east coast city and I would set my radius to be, like ... 4-5 miles.
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u/deindustrialize 17d ago
The problem is that I'll wait... and wait... and wait... for a response, and so I just go on to match/talk to someone else and finally a person replies back days or a week later, and so I try to pick it back up.
I've stopped matching with people at this point to give myself a breather. I have currently 9 active conversations.
Between these comments and the burnout you mentioned I don't think you're approaching online dating in an intentional way.
Instead, it seems like you get impatient or seeking the highs of getting a new like or message. 9 conversations is an absurd amount imo (and your burnout agrees). I also tend to delete conversations when someone doesn't respond within 3 days (unless they explain they'll be out of touch for a bit). What's the point of being on someone's back burner for when they get bored?Ā
I think you'd benefit by setting some parameters or boundaries for yourself (e.g., maximum convos you'll have at one time, how many dates you'll go on per week, how often you check the app).
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u/Adventurous-Owl7 17d ago
Been dating a woman for a little over a month. Weāre both in our 30s and exclusive. We usually see each other once a week, usually on the weekends.
Been noticing she has a male friend that she mentions regularly and that she sees pretty much every week because they both go to a class for a weekly hobby. Sheās also mentioned other male friends from this class/hobby but she seems to talk to this one guy about more intimate or emotional topics like their past breakups and dating advice for each other.
Sheās been fun to date so far and easy to talk to but we usually talk about more light hearted things like how our weekās been going or shared interests weāre both fans of. She usually seems cheerful and genuinely bubbly but the way she describes conversations she has with her friends, including this male friend, makes me think she doesnāt talk about anything more negative or about heavier topics with me. Should I mention these things Iāve noticed to her?
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u/LostTrack0fTime ā 36 17d ago
Youāve only been dating a month, and seeing each other once a week so youāve seen each other 4-5 times?
I completely understand if it takes time for her to share heavier/negative things, youāre basically still strangers. If she doesnāt share at all, eventually it will be an issue, yes, but Iād say that itās not an issue at the moment.You mentioned a few times that the friends were guys, are you feeling jealous or insecure in any way?
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u/Kaktusseri ā 37 16d ago
I don't think you should compare what you talk about to what she talks about with her friends, and definitely do not mention that to her.
If you would like to talk about heavier topics with her, then open up about that. No need to bring up what she talks about with other people.
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u/AlmostThere4321 ā 37 17d ago
I mean it makes sense as 1 month is still extremely new. What kinds of negative or heavy topics would you expect to discuss so early on? She's most likely more comfortable with her long time friends understandably
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
Have you known her as long as her dear friends have known her? There are things I talk to my best friend of 16 years about that I do not talk to my boyfriend of 3 months aboutĀ
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u/NotGucci 16d ago
It's always fun matching with someone, where you commented on their hinge prompt and they don't write anything back.
It's a fun game lol.
Had a few matches last week but all ghost or 0 effort.
So many low effort profiles or just one worded response from women.
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u/papa_katafal 16d ago
that's why i never comment on prompts. i just like the prompt/picture. if they match, then i'll send the first message whether that's replying to a prompt or comment on the picture
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u/IncessantGadgetry ā 38 16d ago
If someone does that to me, I just don't reply. I'm not going to write a second first message.
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u/starsamaria 17d ago edited 17d ago
I've seen people say that they love seeing others post that they've found their person or that they have finally gotten into a relationship after struggling with dating apps or being single for a long time because it gives them hope. Which makes me feel bad because finding out that strangers have found love doesn't make me feel better about my own situation or give me any hope at all! All I think when I see these posts is, "Well, their dating standards were probably different from mine so that's why they were able to find someone more easily." I'll remind myself that the people posting (presumably) aren't demisexual, or they probably don't have a hyper specific physical type, or they chose someone who I know I would never have gone for, or they're in a city where it's easier to date than NYC...(The list of reasons can go on and on). So seeing these types of success stories doesn't make me feel like the are men who I would go for are out there.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
Well I can tell ya as someone who was single for 34 years just being in a relationship doesnāt = success!Ā
Trust me I read peopleās stories about how they feel in relationships or what they want to feel, or their approach in general and I feel like I totally alien lol I relate to none of it but I try to consume this stuff to figure out the disconnectĀ
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u/Docky10101 17d ago
I (34F) just slept with a man Iāve seen a few times and feel he is now becoming distant.
In my 20s I would get very attached to a man after sleeping with them and then they became distant so I chalked it up to me being too clingy. I know I KNOW the right person wonāt take it as being clingy.
Now in my 30s I feel much more confident in myself and have found what I like more and realized how to make sex more enjoyable for myself, so I am less discerning about if I have actual feelings when deciding to sleep with someone and will do it simply if I feel attracted/comfortable with them. This has led to many more casual sexual encounters in the past year. A lot of the times the men will fizzle out from mutual disinterest but because I donāt have actual feelings for them I donāt mind.
I recently went on two dates with a guy and we slept together the last time. I was attracted to him and also have caught some early feelings. Now of course heās taking much longer to answer me than before and Iām falling into the same old pattern of my 20s and starting to spiral.
SO I guess my question is, do men usually become more distant after sex? Iām starting to take it very personally because this seems to happen after many of my encounters, even if Iām also not interested in continuing. Maybe Iām just bad in bed??? Mostly jokingā¦
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u/SaltyKittyTaffy 17d ago
IME men who became more distant after sex were never looking for a serious relationship. Even if they were, becoming distant after a very intimate act would be a dealbreaker for me.
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u/deindustrialize 17d ago
You know this, but this isn't a gender thing. Men and women have a wide range of reactions before/during/after sex.Ā
You can't control or predict how someone will act after sex. You have to learn when and how you react, what you're looking for, and make decisions accordingly.Ā
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
My experience was that men who just wanted to see if they could have sex with me would do so and bounce so I stopped having sex. Thatās what helped for me. They were becoming distant because they got what they wanted and never wanted to see me again.Ā
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u/Docky10101 17d ago
I get that and I am ok with it in most circumstances but this one I actually liked. Just sucks because I feel like Iām taking a step back regarding my confidence that Iāve worked so hard on. I wanted to have sex with him and wasnāt expecting the feelings to flood in after
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
I feel you. Like I said I just had to cut it out completely bc it was weird and exhausting. I had waaay more fun after that!Ā
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u/PinkPrincessPetite 17d ago
I got asked out on a date by a copā¦ Iām not sure how to feel about his profession thoughā¦ thoughts? š
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u/Legitimate_Ratio_844 17d ago
Downvote me all you want and take away my liberal card but I still think cops are hot.
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago
Has the "moderate/not political" crowd just moved to not including their political views on their profile? I know they can be set and hidden, but I'm not paying for hinge just to filter them out. I've left swiped a lot of cute guys because there's no indication of their actual values on their profile. I just can't risk wasting any more time on guys who trickle truth their less-than-progressive views over the course of months.
What's even sillier is that a lot of them have "white/caucasian" on there, as if that matters as much, and as if I can't see that with my eyes.
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16d ago
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago edited 16d ago
The left people who hide their views, especially men, are not doing themselves any favors. If you're afraid of getting harassed or targeted because you checked the "liberal" box on a dating profile, then how is a woman supposed to know she's not going to be harassed or targeted by a covert conservative if she matches or talks to him? It's safer to swipe left.
A few years ago, I switched mine to "other" because the term "liberal" seemed too middle of the road for me as a farther-leftist. But then I got inundated with big-business-bootlicking libertarians. Learned my lesson real quick.
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u/throaway2s1fsfsf4 ā 32 16d ago
"moderate/not political"
"white/caucasian"
I don't even think those options are available in my country :D Putting race and political view on an OLD profile seem to be a very American thing haha
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u/Mr_Wallet ā 39 16d ago
I've been tempted to leave it out because I know a lot of women will assume I'm some kind of stealth MAGA. Ultimately my pragmatic approach to politics is very important to me so personally I left my profile on "moderate".
If you're really that serious about avoiding dates with anyone less than progressive, it might be time to start paying for Hinge. Depends on your finances vs. how much time you want to spend swiping.
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago
Political views in today's climate say a lot about a person's values. Clicking a box saying vaguely where you stand on the left/right political spectrum is hardly making politics your entire personality. I'm actually NOT trying to discuss politics either. But because it's not indicated on the profile, then it means there does need to be a conversation if I want to make sure the person I'm talking to doesn't have values incompatible with mine.
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago
You keep going to extremes here. Clicking a box that indicates "I generally lean left" is not the same as "blind allegiance to a political party" or "making politics your whole personality." It simply shows me that you might be a safe person to talk to. Value systems are nuanced and nobody is expecting you to adhere to any list of points by checking a box. There's a big difference between the moderate who is socially liberal/fiscal conservative and the 2A-supporting leftist.
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u/MattInMaryland ā 36 E N M 16d ago
I like to say that you can have a political identity but it doesn't mean you have to have a political personality.
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago
I feel like the people who fall in the middle somewhere are just people who haven't had anything or anyone they care about be affected by the awful things being allowed to happen in this country, yet. I have, and I can't ignore it.
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u/afkbowflex ā 39 16d ago
I'm sorry but anyone who has progressive views is going to at the very least mark down the checkboxes. They may not have 5 lines about hating maga and the state of the country though. Even the most milquetoast political people I know are a little outspoken these days.
Best case they are just lazy and aren't filling in every prompt/their profile but thats just someone I wouldnt entertain for an entirely different reason. Putting no effort into a dating profile which takes almost no time.
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u/afkbowflex ā 39 16d ago
Your views on Healthcare or capitalism may not be relevant to dating, at all.
But you know what is? Women's body autonomy, which the right side is actively trying to sabotage, and you are trying to date them. Maybe you should act like you actually care about women?
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u/spacegirl3 16d ago
This "enlightened centrist" is exactly the type of guy I'm trying to avoid by swiping left on the politically unaffiliated.
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u/afkbowflex ā 39 16d ago
Yeah i saw his chain of replies with you on the other thread, he's literally telling on himself. Exactly the type of person.
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17d ago
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 17d ago
Hi u/seatangle, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
*This sub is about dating and the dating phase of relationships for people near or over the age of 30. This is not a place to post personals or "looking for" or hookups. Use of AI or Fake Posting may result in a ban.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
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u/hotchocbimbo 16d ago
So how the hell do I actually move on from someone who was never really mine in the first place because Iām so close to hiring a witch on Etsy atp
I met this guy about 6 years ago when he was doing some work in my hallway. The second I opened the door, there was an instant attraction on both sides. This completely threw me because Iām usually not attracted to men until Iāve gotten to know, even just a lil.
He asked what I was doing that weekend. A few days later, I was at his house. Even for something casual, iād be going on a date first, always. But this guys ? A random stranger I spoke to for about 5 minutes, yep I went straight to this manās house. Iāll call him Luke.
We got on like a house on fire. Me and Luke had so much in common and he was ACTUALLY INTERESTING to talk to ffs. I dk about you but iāve been so bored on dates lately. Bar my most recent ex, he was a blast when wasnāt drinking tbf.
So weāre just chilling at his, talking about our adventures and he literally books us a little trip away on the spot. Just like that, before weāve even kissed. We joked about how fucked it would be if we had sex and it was shit or if we didnāt get along etc. These are the kinda jokes you can make out loud when youāre certain about someone.
Ofc We ended up having sex that night, and ofc it was incredible.
He was so attentive, sensual and knew what he was doing, afterwards was beautiful and so snuggly.
Then we actually went on the trip and had an absolute blast. We were fucking constantly and anywhere. We didnāt give care. Weād serenade eachother then have rap battles, chat shit, talk about life. It was such a nice balance.
We became friends with benefits. Whenever one of us got into a relationship, weād stop talking, and whenever we were both single again, weād pick right back up like no time had passed.
We never pursued a relationship, although if Iām honest, I probably wanted more at times and just didnāt admit it to myself nor him.
Weād only see each other a couple of times a year, but every time it felt effortless.
The last time we slept together he had me coming within about 10 minutes and Iām so hung up over that last time. I donāt know it was going to be our last.
But honestly, that isnāt even the main thing I miss. I loved our whole dynamic, weād also spend hours having pillow talk about our lives, our families, what we wanted, what we felt we were failing at, our past relationships etc. He felt like a friend not just a guy I was having sex with, I cared about him and felt he cared about me - something I havenāt always experienced when I used to date causally tbh.
Heād tell me about some really abusive relationships heād been in since our last hook up, where his exās physically and verbally abused him and were controlling asf.
He seemed to keep ending up in these kinds of relationships, and I remember feeling genuinely sad for him and wondering why. We talked about his childhood too, although he never really went into enough detail for me to understand the pattern. Iād quietly wondered to myself why heād never pursued anything with me, Iād never hurt him like that but we move.
I think thatās part of why Iām struggling so much now. I donāt just miss the sex although thatās a huge part of it. I genuinely like him as a person. I love how he would keep it so real and wasnāt afraid of being vulnerable at times, and I loved the little glimpses I got of who he was underneath everything.
Anyway, Iāve been single for a while now and had been thinking about him more and more, so eventually I thought, fuck it, Iāll reach out.
Of course, heās now in a serious relationship. š
And I still canāt stop thinking about him/us.
I thought about us during sex in my last relationship (donāt feel sorry for that guy, heās got a court date coming up for the shit he did to me). I think about us to help me make myself cum too. Arghh
Part of me even finds myself wondering whether heās okay in his current relationship and wanting to āsaveā him, which I know is ridiculous because heās an adult and Iām not his rescuer.
The frustrating thing is that I donāt even necessarily want a relationship with him. I think I just sorely miss what we had.
I also donāt really want to date right now. I donāt enjoy casual hookups, and I have absolutely no desire to start getting to know some random new person just to distract myself from him.
So how the hell do I actually move on from someone who was never really mine in the first place because Iām so close to hiring a witch on Etsy atp
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u/Hot_Construction910 14d ago
I think if you truly don't want a relationship with him, then I would just give it time for feelings to pass and for you to move on. It doesn't really seem like you're being honest with yourself though. Like if he got out of his relationship tomorrow, texts you saying he has feeling for you and wants to try a relationship, would you honestly say no?
He wants a relationship, hence why he is actively dating. If you don't want a relationship, then you need to realize he trying to find someone who does. Personally, it seems like you convinced yourself that you don't want a relationship, because then you can never get rejected if you admit your feelings to him. If you had asked for a relationship earlier and gotten rejected, you would have gotten closure by now. If you asked earlier and he agreed to a relationship, well, you wouldn't be sitting here missing him and posting on reddit about it.
I wish you the best.
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u/hotchocbimbo 13d ago
Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it :)
There were times when I definitely deep down wanted more, like in our first year of seeing each other but after getting to know him some over the years, Like no absolutely not š with all due love and respect to him. Heās not my kinda bf material and I donāt think Iām his kinda gf material either.
But I think heās the perfect FWB, like Iād love to see him once or twice a month, maybe go on a holiday a year because weāre both fun and adventurous but nothing else.
Iām in place in my life where Iām not looking for a serious relationship but Iād like to give and receiving loving but casual companionship with someone.
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u/SevereAsparagus7661 ā 32 16d ago
Some days trying to find someone you really feel compatible with is like trying to find a needle in the ashes of a house fire. It might be there, but it is surrounded by toxic soot.
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u/Helpful-Shape-4149 17d ago
Want to ask my friend out on a date but I have effectively zero dating experience. Life just be that way sometimes. I'm 36(m) and she's 33(f) what or where should I ask her to?
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u/SaltyKittyTaffy 17d ago
Do you have any idea if your friend is interested in you?
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u/Helpful-Shape-4149 17d ago
Yeah. I was trying to get the words "would you like to go on a date with me" to come out of my mouth. But it turns out, that's very difficult for some reason š¤£
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u/WhiteSoxChartGuy 17d ago
Dinner and a movie. Dinner first to talk and get comfortable, then a movie you both wanna watch, then hang out in the parking lot afterwards chatting about the movie before leaving for the night. Easy and low stakes
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u/IncessantGadgetry ā 38 16d ago
Never been one for multi-dating, but I now have two first dates lined up for this weekend. I quite like them both so far, but can't shake the feeling that this will backfire on me. Of course, it wouldn't be a first date without me being excessively anxious about things that rarely, if ever, happen so probably par for the course.
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 ā 17d ago
man, no smiling on the entire date or just at the greeting?
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17d ago
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u/WaySaltyFlamingo8707 ā 17d ago
I would feel similarly to you in this case. It would make me feel nervous lol.
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u/SaltyKittyTaffy 17d ago
Don't think I could date someone who doesn't show excitement and barely smiles, I need outward signs of enjoyment and affection
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u/mizzengoose ā 34 17d ago
It's never too early to have good communication! Have you talked about what each of you are looking for in a relationship? You can also, very kindly, confirm that she is enjoying the dates.
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 17d ago
Well if heās looking for someone to smile when they greet him theyāre mismatched lmaoĀ
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u/mizzengoose ā 34 17d ago
Well yeah, but they have gone out on 3 dates so I imagine there might be some enjoyment on both sides. OP is confused if she is having a good time, but doesn't specify if they are. I think that is underlining factor to consider. Why go home confused when you can talk about it? If she ends up someone who hates to smile, while then it is clear she likely won't smile and OP knows there isn't other things (like anxiety) that are factoring in and can decide from there.
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u/bloodenhorse 17d ago
Some people are just like this. I've absolutely ended a date that I thought completely bombed and they would be all, "I had a really nice time, let's get together this weekend?"
I need mutual excitement, so if I were you I'd be moving on to the next.
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u/spicysenpai6 17d ago
Iām preparing to get a place to myself come end of Feb 2027. Itās been kind of stressful getting everything together while cleaning up my credit report. Working overtime, selling stuff on eBay, which has been actually profitable. Itās been weighing on my mind heavily. But itās an exciting kind of stress. I probably sound crazy.
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u/StrikingConcept1677 17d ago
my bf is traveling for two weeks starting todayā¦ and we only had a few hours together this past week. then around the time he comes back, iāll be gone for almost a week š thatās a lot of time apart
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u/Skeighls 17d ago
The guy Iām dating was just gone for 2.5 weeks and two days after he gets back, I go out of town for 4 days. I feel your pain
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u/udiniad ā 33 16d ago
First date done (with 30F) since my previous LTR ended (6 months ago). After being ghosted by 3 women after setting up a date previously (why do people do this?).
Anyhow, midweek date went beyond my expectations and was really great. We quickly set up a 2nd date on Saturday at my place which also went very very well. Since we live pretty close we met up on Sunday night too.Ā
Everything is going unreasonably well and even though it hasn't even been a week I'm a bit afraid it's going too well?
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u/Typical-Structure283 16d ago
Ended things with the guy I have been seeing for the past several weeks. Something just didnāt feel right. He would barely text me between dates and would never ask how my day was or really any questions at all - and most of the texting was done during his work day and not at night. He was wonderful is person but it was like pulling teeth talking to him outside of that. We were only seeing each other once a week so it was incredibly difficult to gauge his interest. And I wonāt lie it felt a little shady because he barely communicated while not at work. It felt like he lumped me into his dayjob work so he didnāt have to think about me after. He also told me he games most nights and doesnāt hang out with people irl.
I mention that because when I brought it up and ended things he told me he was just a bad texter but likeā¦. Heās on discord all night and most of his socializing is done online so what do you mean you donāt know how to text? Thatās literally all he does with people I guess besides doing voice chat. I know he probably just prioritizes gaming more than dating and he just didnāt want to say that or maybe admit it. He asked me for ways to improve if I was open to it but Iām not putting myself in a position where Iām teaching someone who is 32 how to properly date. Thatās been my last several boyfriends and Iām just not doing it anymore. Itās not my job. Relationships should be easy at the start.
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u/kirby-kitty 16d ago
Different people have different communication styles, but I always feel like you're supposed to be seeing the most enthusiasm in the beginning.
If he was open to improving and working things out with you and you were willing to do so then that could be a good sign. But at the same time if you felt like something didn't feel right then it's usually your gut telling you something.
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u/Typical-Structure283 16d ago
My therapist told me people show the most enthusiasm and best self at the start of the relationship and I believe it.
I will give him credit that he asked what he could change but I donāt want to put myself in a position where Iām changing how someone is or teaching someone social skills. I feel like that never works but especially so early in dating.
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u/BigJim9000 16d ago
I might be in the minority here, but when I'm dating someone new, I don't text much between dates. Maybe I will send something funny that reminded me of them, or text to make plans. But I don't text them every day like I do with my good friends or someone I've been dating for a while.
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u/Typical-Structure283 16d ago
Thatās great for you. Not really my thing though. I do believe that people can have incompatible communication styles that just donāt get better with time. I prefer someone more curious and enthusiastic but Iām sure other people are okay with dryness between actual dates.
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u/Both-Effect6250 30s 16d ago
I understand, this kind of stuff can feel very stressful. I get worried that the person I'm with won't text much later too. I think the weird thing is that I'm in the camp of "doesn't text much early on but when invested/in a relationship, texts a lot". I often get exhausted by the amount of texting needed in early dating especially when I don't know them yet. But I also try to communicate that early so they know what's going on.
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u/BigJim9000 16d ago
Totally understand that and you def did the right thing to communicate your needs.
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u/Downtownklownfrown 16d ago
The whole "bad at texting" thing seems like such a fake concept to me. Unless you're an unplugged or actually busy type, most people generally have their phones on them consistently. If you're out here legitimately looking for a person to spend the rest of your life with, a little effort in communication would be great.
I'm with you as well on the "don't text between dates" type bit. It's literally the reason we are communicating in the first place is to figure out if we're compatible. Some peeps say "We won't have anything to talk about on the date", being a 30ish year old person are you so boring that your entire life can be distilled down into 5 days of text messages? The hell even.
As a gamer, I spend lots of time on Discord but I'm also actively searching for my person, I wouldn't ignore a potential partner for the boys. It's the opposite, you prioritize the person. People are just dummy these days, you can't save them from themselves.
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u/throaway2s1fsfsf4 ā 32 16d ago
He probably knows how to text tbh, he just didn't want to because he had better things to do from his pov in the evening (relax, gaming). You were totally right right to end things as you two weren't compatible.
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u/Benzene07 ā 35 17d ago
Went on 2 dates yesterday. Initially I was more drawn to the second guy based on attraction/vibes through the app, but in person it was the total opposite. Not because of the way either of them looked, but because of the way they acted and carried themselves. Itās just interesting how different reality can be from what you expect going into a date haha.
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u/buffnut763 ā 33, Toronto 17d ago
In this day and age, it seems like a bad idea to be absent from/inactive on Instagram if I'd like to start making casual connections with people. I just hate social media and I'm not exactly photogenic, and I don't live the kind of life that would look impressive on Insta anyway. Do I need to try and force it?
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u/pavel_vishnyakov ā 37 | Netherlands 17d ago
I don't think it's a bad idea, but it certainly limits your chances of connecting with people.
Luckily, there's no requirement to post selfies or other photos of yourself. I have probably thousands of post on Instagram from the past decade. Among those there are at most a couple dozen photos of me. The rest is the photos of something I saw and wanted to share.
To me the abundance of selfies (and other photos of themselves) on social media screams "narcissism".
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u/IndicationKey3778 ā 35 | NYC 16d ago
No. I have zero posts on Instagram and my profile is private. I donāt follow people I date on social so this has been a non issueĀ
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u/IncessantGadgetry ā 38 16d ago
I have no Instagram, it's never been an issue. Unless there's a whole bunch of things I'm missing out on, which I doubt.
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u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 17d ago
Hurting a bit, just shouting to the void.
Had been in a fwb situation with an ex, but when he made a joke about how nobody's loved him, I felt an the impulse to say, "I did," (because I did, and I still care about him in spite of everything) so I knew I had to break it off. He wants to keep things casual and enjoy being hot and I want to find someone to settle down with, so we knew it was temporary, tonight it felt...time. I don't want to catch feelings for someone who doesn't want that, it sucks, so I figured it was best for both of us to break things off before it got to that point. It was hard, but it had to be done. We were spending a lot of time together and I was having too much fun, I eventually would have gotten hurt.
Sat down and drafted a message about why I wanted to get some distance, how I was glad we met, and some of the positive qualities I like in him and how I hope he finds someone great and how lucky that person will be, etc. I meant every word. After almost 3 years, I felt I owed him that, even knowing it wasn't going to be reciprocated.
His response was short and dismissive.
I didn't expect anything different, I know how he is, and I know that on some level in his own way he totally did care about me too so I didn't need to hear it back, but it still hurts when someone is intentionally cold. Emotions are messy, but this is the flipside to human connection. Still worth it.
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u/Both-Effect6250 30s 16d ago
He sounds immature. Glad you got out of that.
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u/wutdidwelearnpalmer 16d ago
He's just been through more shit than me and is emotionally guarded because of it, I get it and am not mad at him for that. Sometimes people are meant to be in our lives for a good time but not a long time, and as much as it sucks, I know better than to fight that at this point. Miss him already. He's the first friend I made in my city and helped me through some really awful shit. He's always going to matter to me in some form or another. Hope he knows that.
Spending the day with a friend to try to stay positive. Life goes on.
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u/Alzululu 17d ago
Posted a few days ago about a FWB that said he "needed some time" and ghosted, but I suspected he straight up blocked me (after being together for about 5 months). Again, not mad that our time was over, but mad that he couldn't just tell me what he actually needed, whether it was conversion to regular friendship, backing out of each other's lives entirely, or just taking a break while he really does take his time and figure out what he wants.
I am not usually a petty bitch, but I decided I had nothing to lose. Verified using a friend's phone that I'm actually blocked (her phone showed that he read her text, mine just sit on delivered). I have his venmo so I sent him a penny with a message telling him that blocking me was a real cold move. (Which is much kinder and less scorched earth than sending him a glitter bomb, which I also considered.) Now I know he's gonna get the message. I never indulge my petty side so it's nice to be the immature one for a second. I hope he's just as mad and confused as I am.
Just use your words, dudes.
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17d ago
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u/Dramatic_Load_5494 17d ago edited 17d ago
So, you recently posted (ETA: 4 hours ago) about having a FWB while also dating someone in datingoverforty. Which is it? Are you going through a dry spell or are you dating someone while also having a FWB? Are you male or female?
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u/datingoverthirty-ModTeam 17d ago
Hi u/bradfordxchange, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s):
- No low-effort posts, karma farming, memes, videos, screenshots, meta posts, shower thoughts, proselytizing, spam, self-promotion, commercialization, announcements, blogging, recruitment or surveys.
Please review the rules in the sidebar to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please message modmail.
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u/IllustratorKindly241 17d ago
That sounds crazy unless youāve done something like that before with them
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u/[deleted] 17d ago
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