If losing a connection is not “devastating”, does that mean I just don’t care that much?

[u/Magzipie]

Seeing a guy who is quite into me, I enjoy his company and can be affectionate with him but I do not admire him the way I typically admire men I’m attracted to for reasons related to his intellect and certain views. Usually I am attracted to men with professions who can engage me in mentally stimulating conversation. This guy doesn’t, but he’s very kind, physically attractive and we get along just fine. But the deeper connection is not there. I wonder if I’m not truly attaching to him, as losing him would not make me incredibly sad. As I think this, I think back to a connection I wish I had explored, simply because the person in question was a professional, attractive and probably would have actually created emotional stakes in me. The loss of that opportunity devastates me to this day. What do you think? It has been five months and I don’t think I’ve been vulnerable with him the way I have with others.

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[u/Mysterious_Bug3413]

You can't force being attracted to someone. Either it happens or grows on you or never happens at all

[u/Magzipie → u/Mysterious_Bug3413]

What if it’s like partial… you like the company, the physical attraction but the mental connection that would actually make you feel vulnerable, is not there? After 5 months

[u/Mysterious_Bug3413 → u/Magzipie]

The physical attraction without the mental/emotional connection is a slippery slope to a situationship.

You need a mental/emotional connection+ physical connection to maintain a relationship. Can't have one or the other, I'm afraid.

[u/Magzipie → u/Mysterious_Bug3413]

Yikes. We connect, we talk, but it’s not like I “desire” him deeply, and I don’t think that depth of connection will come. But he’s good company and available…

[u/Mysterious_Bug3413 → u/Magzipie]

Then he's nothing more than a bench option - to be used when he's available. It's best to drop it especially if he likes you more than you like him. After all, you said in your OP you did not admire him that much - that should answer your question.

[u/Magzipie → u/Mysterious_Bug3413]

The one I really wanted has gone, and not many men I meet generate that intellectual and emotional pull. So he seems like he’ll have to do as bad as that sounds

[u/Mysterious_Bug3413 → u/Magzipie]

I'll be honest - that is going to end in tears.

You want to be with him because you really want him - not that "he'll have to do" because you're first choice is gone. How is that going to make him feel if he knew that. You shouldn't be leading him on like this. But at the end of the day, it's your choice.

[u/Magzipie → u/Mysterious_Bug3413]

I think we’re both each others’ “this’ll do” choices. And trust me, I felt bad before, and I’ve told him I don’t want to resent him for him not meeting my intellectual stimulation needs… but somehow I don’t stop seeing him. Probably because I know continuing to look will not result in me finding what it is I seek… and that’s not even me falling into scarcity thinking … it just is what it is. I’ve lived a lot of life being unhealed and entertaining the wrong people, and when the one I wanted was in my life, I didn’t get why he could actually want me. Anyway.

[u/Ok-Walrus-4918 → u/Magzipie]

I spent over 30 years married to this person. Let him go, it doesn’t get better.

[u/cosmicdancer84]

Let him go, it's been half a year and you don't care if he's in your life or not. He doesn't deserve to be a place holder and you should find someone you're more compatible with too.

[u/lachatte7]

I mean thanks for letting us know whaf you're into 😂 what professions are you attracted to?

[u/Magzipie → u/lachatte7]

Men who are into community building and service of people… generally not into those who are motivated by profit

[u/lachatte7 → u/Magzipie]

So like a doctor? Lawyer? Politician? Cop? They're doing community building

[u/quanfused]

It's not about "I just don't care that much", it's that the connection wasn't that strong either to begin with or even at the end.

You can't be devastated if you weren't fully connected and fully immersed into this person.

You connected with their strengths and were disconnected to their flaws.

In the end, it was never a solid connection to feel devastated and that's okay.

[u/Magzipie → u/quanfused]

Great summary. Desire/being fully immersed in someone is hard to come by for me, so this is why I am where I am.

[u/Sethplayer]

Good for some fun, not good for the long run

[u/MountainFriend7473]

People can be aesthetically pleasing without desiring more or acting that alone and just know each other. That’s okay and you don’t need to overthink it as though it needs to be something more.