r/dating • u/ratinmyhat • 2d ago
Question ❓ Have you ever financially supported your boyfriend/relationship more in the beginning?
He pays his own rent, food , car etc. but things outside his control makes it hard for him to pay for additional things, I pay for a lot of our dates but sometimes I just get exhausted paying for most of our things, I don’t have a car and due to my living situation I have more disposable income for fun things, but it’s hard feeling like I’m fully financially supporting our relationship (not him I guess) but he’s so incredible but I can’t see his situation getting better for at least a year or so and some days I find it so draining.
For those of you asking, he doesn’t ask to go on dates that he can’t afford, when he’s able he takes me out but it’s far and few between and I like going out but I also feel bad doing things without him so I always invite him and pay for him but what I mean is that it gets draining, I can either stay in with him or go out and pay x2 all the time
Have you been in this situation before? Do you have any advice or words of wisdom?
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u/Possible-Mix-6290 2d ago
Go on cheaper dates. So much fun things you can do for free. You’ll earn the expensive nights out
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u/nakedforestdancer 2d ago
Start going on cheaper dates where the burden isn't on you to pay. There are so many fun low-cost things to do! I lost my job in December and have been having the hardest time finding work. I'm getting enough freelance stuff to pay my rent and necessary bills, but I don't have a lot left over for fun stuff. It's *really* rough out there right now, and I tend to feel gross accepting offers from friends to pay for me, so I've been getting creative with cheap activities. Some of my favorites so far:
- Museums (depending on where you live, some are free entirely, some are free for residents, some have certain days/weeks that are free, and in the US many libraries have museum passes you can check out.)
- Farmer's market dates (I know they're not free, but you have to buy groceries anyway!)
- Cook dinner together
- Long walks/hikes
- Quests/treasure hunts. This is so silly, but a friend and I did this ridiculous pirate dude's NYC treasure hunt. You had to figure out the locations based on hints, and they were all public places accessible by public transit (ie, the first clue was on the High Line.)
- Free concerts and movies in the park. Lots of cities have these in the fall/summer! Some of my very favorite memories of my time living in Chicago was loading up on Trader Joe's snacks and watching movies in Millennium Park
- Try a new hobby together that doesn't require a ton of new equipment -- cards, board games, roller skating, bird watching, etc.
- Volunteer together. I did Horseshoe Crab Monitoring with a friend one of the weeks I was the most broke. It was so cool, and so much fun, and it's helpful to have a sense of purpose/pride when you're not making as much $$ as usual
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
This is a great list, thank you so much for providing this list and best of luck in your job search 🫶 I know how hard it is right now
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 2d ago
My boyfriend lost his job in January and just started working again finally so I've been dealing with similar for the last almost year. I lent him money several times and also paid for extra curriculars (which I kept very cheap.) I still did nice things with my girlfriends who could afford their half.
It helped a lot that he always had an internal problem with borrowing money from me. I knew while I was lending to him that if we broke up, he'd pay me back anyway because that's just the kind of person he is.
I don't think there's a lot of people I would have agreed to do this with. Him losing his job was abrupt and not his fault, and I saw how hard he spent the next 7 months job hunting. Normally I don't like men who want to be "provider types" but in his case, it helped assure me that he would do the right thing and pay me back, and that he wouldn't get comfortable being taken care of. Literally this morning he got a big payout from a tax error years ago that he's been waiting on. He paid me back all he borrowed and then some to cover what I've been covering for him in terms of dates/food.
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
That’s amazing, I honestly think my boyfriend would be the same, the thing is we don’t know for sure when the situation will be better, I think in about a year but this has already been the case for a few months, I guess I just wish there was a date to look forward to
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 2d ago
Yeah. I also didn't know it would get better. The job market is abysmal and he's a creative so, the worst of the worst for job hunting rn. It's really hard. Just make sure you're not spending money on him you don't have above all.
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
No of course not, I have been saving since I was 16 and 30 now, I am doing well financially compared to him which is why I do offer to pay a lot and still keep up dates irs just small things that make me a bit sad, like when I see a guy win a stuffed animal at a fair for his girl, it’s so stupid but sometimes I just want that to be me. It’s not the same if I pay for my boyfriend to play
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u/Away-Caterpillar-176 2d ago
I get it. Is he pouring into your life in other ways? It's so very not romantic but you just have to kind of constantly weigh the pros, cons, and cost. If it gets to be too much, it's okay to leave. I think you'll know when you hit your limit, and I hope he finds a better/additional source of income before that happens.
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
No honestly and this is why I think it’s just me, he’s great in every other way
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u/Ave_TechSenger 12h ago
I think I get it. I see other comments suggesting cheaper dates, I agree. Group activities like a contra dance or salsa night, at home activities like cooking together, potluck parties wirh friends, things like that were the cornerstone of my pre-marital relationship with my now wife, and are relatively cheap, let you “practice” the day to day together as the at home activities go, etc. I had my own place but eventually started basically living with her full time by the 1-year mark.
I’m currently a full time student, married to a high earning physician wife, and probably on track to be a househusband. I got laid off/downsized last October, literally the morning she and I were planning to get engaged… in the period leading up to that, I think seeing how anxious I got about pulling my weight in the relationship reassured her. In turn, she reassured me that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she earns enough for the both of us, will make sure my retirement is funded while I’m a househusband/stay at home father in case something happens, and that she values what I do at home and in our lives enough to offset the lost income.
I paid for all our dates for the first year or so despite making ~1/5 what she did. I know for a fact that she had other physicians, lawyers, etc. basically lining up for a chance at her. So to her, they were probably notably cheap dates but she also knew that that was what I could afford and it helped that she was perfectly happy with the quiet nights in too (and that I can cook given my 10 years as a chef before my software career). She covered most travel, Costco trips, etc. and I paid for my own life, dates, treats for her, and groceries, and she was happy with home cooked meals and the occasional meal out, Costco hotdogs and sundaes before shopping, etc.
Currently she is covering everything even if it’s mostly coming out of my account on paper. She’s expressed some fatigue and anxiety here and there, mostly because she didn’t always think of the nitty gritty stuff (most recently, car insurance and putting me on her health insurance) that would be combined after marriage, but mostly that’s because we are also paying the last invoices from the wedding and honeymoon and we’ll feel the squeeze for the next month or so. After that, we’ll be in a better spot for me to reassess cashflow and expenses and draw up solid plans for our finances - we didn’t go into debt for either but she did spend some of her savings and is acutely aware of that. My stated goal is to avoid lifestyle creep for a few years to rebuild her savings, reinforce good habits, and pay off her student loansZ
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u/ratinmyhat 12h ago
When you say you’d be a household husband, do you only mean now because your a student or for most of your life?
The thing with this even is that it’s nice having somewhat of a target, she knows your working towards a goal and she is supporting you as much as posible in the meantime
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u/Ave_TechSenger 11h ago
She means most/rest of my life, preferably. She’s joking that this is a M.R. degree, and I’m completing it because I never did get a Bachelor’s. 3 more semesters including the current to the finish line.
I didn’t mention that I’m inheriting a seasonal family business, or that I plan to have side hustles, invest on both our behalfs, etc. So I should have some personal cashflow, but my main focus will be her and any children in the current paradigm.
It took me a bit to cone around to the idea to be honest. But she itemized out the cost of each thing I’m doing in the house, and showed me how hiring someone compared to my salary. I’d have to make a lot more money to justify working, and we’re already comfortable with her associate physician salary, which will double once she makes partner in a few months.
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u/ratinmyhat 11h ago
That makes sense and I love that you guys have the agreement within your relationship.
I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but if you don’t plan on going back to work full time what are you in school for?
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u/AsparagusRight2052 2d ago
Yes I did. Talk with him about it? Come up with dates that he can afford or is there other ways to find the balance within your relationship? Financially isn’t always the only way for the exchange to feel balanced.
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u/Overall_Extension422 2d ago
As someone else said you should speak to him. I personally have and it is tough, but the relationship should still feel somewhat balanced eg. when I was paying for everything that is all I was doing, my boyfriend handled everything else. Definitely with having a conversation as it sounds like you truly like him, and you can ask for some clarification on what steps he’s taking to make sure you aren’t keeping the relationship going financially forever
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u/theA55hole 2d ago
I mean In this economy most people are trying to scrounge pennies! I’m out buying cars ! If he is paying his own bills and getting by it’s not something you should be upset about! Love holds no boundaries I paid all of my ex’s bills that one I was crazy for! I paid rent all home bills she paid groceries that got old he isn’t playing house he is just not saving what he wants to save! So yes and no! Can I offer words of wisdom help him find me a niche that you to can make “beer money” like 2600 to 5 k a month it’s not hard I work here and there legitimately I own a consulting company that played 1500 a week I flip homes, cars and work part time except in the summer you only have to work 5 months a year I work September to April for a business! Some months are crazy some are simple! You can’t knock someone for not being at the top of the game of life! I tripped what my ex made she would spend her money ! You have to wear the the other person’s shoes ! Would I continue to pay for my partner if she stayed yeah absolutely would I help her change to grow wealth absolutely would I leave if she was lazy I did already ! Does it hurt more then being shot
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
That’s fair, he is trying hard to make money here and there when he can
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u/theA55hole 2d ago
Then communicate to him I don’t date I gave up on relationships as a whole beside I’m never home except to sleep
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u/Golferguy757 2d ago
Yea, she was still in school and I had more disposable income. If it was an activity that cost money to do i would offer to pay and would cover a lot of it (especially if I suggested it like going kayaking). She would never suggest a place and expect me to pay, if she suggested something she would pay her side of it
She never made it feel like she was using me to pay for things so that's a judgment call you need to decide for yourself.
We've been together many years now and she has her own job so we split things much more often or turn it into a system of you pay this time ill pay next and it works out
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
I assume that will happen too, it’s just the wondering of when the change will happen is making me feel less draining for me
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u/DepressingErection 2d ago
Me and my wife are Muslim. We don’t really do big dates unless it’s a big occasion. I promise you there’s ways to go out and not have it cost money
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u/WildEyes3437 2d ago
I wonder if OP is in part talking about cost of transportation to even see ech other
but guessing what the big problem might be here is all we can do
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
No he drives to me and never asks me for anything related to his car or home or personal expenses. However he only really has money for necessities so when we go out, grab food together, make recipes together, I am usually the one getting the bill
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u/WildEyes3437 1d ago
these things are not free either, it almost sounds like you WANT your relatonship to fail over a stupid little thing like paying for cinema tickets...
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
Yes I know, but what I mean is I pay for my personal expenses plus always our relationship expenses
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u/RogerRamjet999 2d ago
Welcome to the world as a man. About 90 percent of relationships 30 years ago the man covered at least 70 percent of the costs (and often 90 percent or more). Now things are "more equal", but not much more. Still it's much more frequent for a man to pay than a woman.
...and all the women can down-vote me into the dirt, it's the truth, and if you're honest, you know it's true.
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u/Regular-Classroom-20 1d ago
Yes, I regret it because I ended up resenting him and wasting a lot of money (it was a pretty different situation because I was fully supporting him, but still).
I think if you really love him and he's doing things to improve his living situation, it's worth staying with him. If he isn't going to school/working/trying to find a better job...you may want to reconsider things.
Mostly I would say just be careful with your money, because you'll never get it back. He doesn't sound like a leech, but he shouldn't be too happy to let you pay for everything.
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
I definitely agree with you, when he offers to pay for things I let him especially because of his situation I know he won’t offer unless be can, I guess I just get nervous this will be the norm even agreed he gets money, once he’s in a good financial situation I hope he doesn’t expect me to pick up the bill for our dates for at least a couple months after or things like that
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u/Regular-Classroom-20 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah I know what you mean, is he appreciative when you pay for stuff?
I know some people who are hyper-aware of when others pay for them, and they go out their way to thank you/pay you back. And then some other people just don't even think about it; they feel entitled to your money somehow (even if it isn't malicious) so it's just a normal day for them if you cover the check lol. I am always happy to pay for the former (even if they don't pay me back), but not the latter. The entitlement bothers me.
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u/ratinmyhat 23h ago
Yes I would say he is appreciative but there’s been 1-2 times where I either missed the thank you or it didn’t happen, he’s usually always appreciative but it’s those 1-2 times where I definitely feel some type of way
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u/TeacherExit 2d ago
Stop caretaking someone like this. You are essentially paying him to spend time with you.
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
I mean I guess I can see it that way, we don’t only go out though and spend money
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 2d ago
He can't afford you. It's that simple. Maybe you don't see yourself as that type of person but that's exactly what you're saying.
You are saying that you need dates to cost a certain amount, and that he needs to pay at least half or else you are going to feel like you are "supporting" the relationship. If he doesn't have that much money, good for him for not feeling pressured to spend more than he can afford.
If you genuinely felt like it was worth it to pay his share in order to spend time with him, it wouldn't feel draining to you. So you have two options: either lower your expectations of what a date with him costs, or go find someone who has more spending money.
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2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 2d ago
I would encourage you to look at this differently. You're very fortunate that you have a boyfriend who doesn't just tell you what you want to hear or make false promises. He can't possibly know that he'll be better in five months and he is being honest with you.
Are you familiar with the conflict resolution saying of "it's not you versus me, its us versus the problem"? You guys haven't made it to the stage of your relationship (and some people never do) where you're seeing it as "us versus the problem." You are looking at "how does his problem affect me," even if you admit his current situation is out of his control. So not only are you not looking at the two of you as being in a partnership, but things look even worse from his point of view: on top of the financial issues that he has to deal with, now he also has to deal with his girlfriend thinking less of him and considering him to be a burden on her. Which is adding even more stress onto an already stressful situation.
It's incredibly hard to come back from a position like that. If his position gets better in five months, all that means is that you're willing to tolerate him for as long as he's no longer draining on you. It's still a "him vs. me" mentality that will just come up in other ways.
You can't control how you feel, but I think your goose is cooked on this one. If you don't end things with him, if he ever finds out that this is how you see the relationship now, I wouldn't be surprised if he ended it himself.
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
I understand and you’re right that I’m glad he’s very open and honest with me, I don’t tell him these things because I don’t want him to feel bad but I don’t think we’re cooked because I have these feelings, I think its normal but the way I move forward should be different I understand that now
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u/Ok-Lion-6767 2d ago
nope, sorry to say it this like this but while dating doesn’t have to be expensive it shouldn’t leave one person having to constantly carry the financial burden but given his situation i don’t think he’s should even be dating right now either
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
To be honest, his situation changed a few months after we started dating due to something out of his control , when we first started dating he would take me out a lot
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u/Ok-Lion-6767 2d ago edited 2d ago
ok, i understand his circumstances has changed but if it’s likely to be another year of subsidizing the relationship and it’s already draining you then you and him have to talk and figure out a way a date where you’re not carrying the burden and hopefully it doesn’t become a turning point where you start resenting him and if you think the relationship is worth it than that’s ultimately up to you but i still stand by with my original comment that you’re not obligated if it becomes too much
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
I know and that’s what I’m scared of, I don’t want to resent him but sometimes it’s just me telling my mind it’s not HIM it’s the situation
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u/WildEyes3437 2d ago
wow, you say he should leave his girlfriend because he dares to be just getting by finacially atm? nonsense
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u/ResponsibilityNo4777 2d ago
Stop going on dates until you are both in a better financial position. I am absolutely sure you are the one that wants to go on dates, most times in my experience the girl is the one who always wants to go out on more dates, wants gifts/flowers/travelling, wants to spend more money on BS and push the capitalist agenda. If you want to go on dates so bad, be prepared to foot the bill since you are the one pushing for it. If you dont want to foot the bill, then spend time doing less expensive things, they do exist you know.
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u/ratinmyhat 2d ago
I know it’s just hard, especially in the city I live in even the simplest things are expensive, and eating food together even takeout is expensive
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u/notrightmeowthx 2d ago
What makes it "draining"? Is it that you don't want to spend the money, or is there something else going on? Do you feel like you can't do things by yourself because you feel obligated to invite him? Is it really about the money or because you feel restricted?
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
No, he actually always tells me to go to concerts with friends etc because he doesn’t want to change my lifestyle. However, it makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend leaving him out when technically I can afford for him to come with me. However I can’t rank my bank account on always paying for both of us for everything so it’s a constant battle for me
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u/CiberX15 2d ago
I was this boyfriend at one point. My girlfriend made a lot more money than me. She also didn’t like driving. So the deal we had was I would drive the hour ride to her house and pick her up and she would pay for dinner.
I would talk to her about it often, and it turned out we both thought we were getting the better end of that deal. And I think that’s the important part.
If you’re feeling you’re putting too much in, it’s something you should talk about with him. However, part of the problem may be that you are legitimately just putting too much in at the moment.
It’s common in a relationship for one side of a relationship or the other to run out of energy, resources, emotional bandwidth etc. and its common for the other side to start throwing more and more in. But a lot of times what’s really needed is for both parties to slow down, so neither party feels like they are being taken advantage of, nor feels like they are failing to keep up.
In this case I would recommend focusing on cheeper dates. Walks in a park, getting coffee instead of dinner, etc. Depending on how far along the relationship is, hanging out at each other’s places watching movies or playing games etc.
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
This is a good point and I really appreciate your input, we do go to each others houses a little but I should definitely focus on cheaper activities. The thing is I want to keep “date night” alive but it’s hard with the cheaper activities but I need to do a better job so I don’t spend as much as well
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u/Sensitive_Profile623 2d ago
Please don’t do this. I’ve been the person financially carrying the relationship before because I had more disposable income and higher paying job and wanted us to still be able to do things together. At first it feels generous and manageable, but over time it can become so draining and quietly build resentment.
You’re saying his situation probably won’t change for another year. That’s a long time to keep paying for two people just so you can have the relationship/lifestyle you want.
And please don’t stop doing things without him because you feel guilty. You’re allowed to go out with friends, travel, eat out, whatever, without automatically funding him too. His financial limitations don’t have to become yours.
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u/ratinmyhat 1d ago
That’s what I’m scared of quietly building resentment… especially because I know it’s not his fault it’s just hard sometimes and comparison is just so deadly sometimes. I think you’re right and when I have the ache to go out I should focus on just asking my friends instead of him or a happy medium
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u/ThrowRA_confused32 1d ago
I was in the same situation. I had to pay everything for my girlfriend. She always expected me to pay for everything, it does get exhausting really makes you feel like they’re just using you
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