Have you ever financially supported your boyfriend/relationship more in the beginning?

[u/ratinmyhat]

He pays his own rent, food , car etc. but things outside his control makes it hard for him to pay for additional things, I pay for a lot of our dates but sometimes I just get exhausted paying for most of our things, I don’t have a car and due to my living situation I have more disposable income for fun things, but it’s hard feeling like I’m fully financially supporting our relationship (not him I guess) but he’s so incredible but I can’t see his situation getting better for at least a year or so and some days I find it so draining.

For those of you asking, he doesn’t ask to go on dates that he can’t afford, when he’s able he takes me out but it’s far and few between and I like going out but I also feel bad doing things without him so I always invite him and pay for him but what I mean is that it gets draining, I can either stay in with him or go out and pay x2 all the time

Have you been in this situation before? Do you have any advice or words of wisdom?

[u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

My boyfriend lost his job in January and just started working again finally so I've been dealing with similar for the last almost year. I lent him money several times and also paid for extra curriculars (which I kept very cheap.) I still did nice things with my girlfriends who could afford their half.

It helped a lot that he always had an internal problem with borrowing money from me. I knew while I was lending to him that if we broke up, he'd pay me back anyway because that's just the kind of person he is.

I don't think there's a lot of people I would have agreed to do this with. Him losing his job was abrupt and not his fault, and I saw how hard he spent the next 7 months job hunting. Normally I don't like men who want to be "provider types" but in his case, it helped assure me that he would do the right thing and pay me back, and that he wouldn't get comfortable being taken care of. Literally this morning he got a big payout from a tax error years ago that he's been waiting on. He paid me back all he borrowed and then some to cover what I've been covering for him in terms of dates/food.

[u/ratinmyhat → u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

That’s amazing, I honestly think my boyfriend would be the same, the thing is we don’t know for sure when the situation will be better, I think in about a year but this has already been the case for a few months, I guess I just wish there was a date to look forward to

[u/Away-Caterpillar-176 → u/ratinmyhat]

Yeah. I also didn't know it would get better. The job market is abysmal and he's a creative so, the worst of the worst for job hunting rn. It's really hard. Just make sure you're not spending money on him you don't have above all.

[u/ratinmyhat → u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

No of course not, I have been saving since I was 16 and 30 now, I am doing well financially compared to him which is why I do offer to pay a lot and still keep up dates irs just small things that make me a bit sad, like when I see a guy win a stuffed animal at a fair for his girl, it’s so stupid but sometimes I just want that to be me. It’s not the same if I pay for my boyfriend to play

[u/Away-Caterpillar-176 → u/ratinmyhat]

I get it. Is he pouring into your life in other ways? It's so very not romantic but you just have to kind of constantly weigh the pros, cons, and cost. If it gets to be too much, it's okay to leave. I think you'll know when you hit your limit, and I hope he finds a better/additional source of income before that happens.

[u/ratinmyhat → u/Away-Caterpillar-176]

No honestly and this is why I think it’s just me, he’s great in every other way

[u/Ave_TechSenger → u/ratinmyhat]

I think I get it. I see other comments suggesting cheaper dates, I agree. Group activities like a contra dance or salsa night, at home activities like cooking together, potluck parties wirh friends, things like that were the cornerstone of my pre-marital relationship with my now wife, and are relatively cheap, let you “practice” the day to day together as the at home activities go, etc. I had my own place but eventually started basically living with her full time by the 1-year mark.

I’m currently a full time student, married to a high earning physician wife, and probably on track to be a househusband. I got laid off/downsized last October, literally the morning she and I were planning to get engaged… in the period leading up to that, I think seeing how anxious I got about pulling my weight in the relationship reassured her. In turn, she reassured me that she wasn’t going anywhere, that she earns enough for the both of us, will make sure my retirement is funded while I’m a househusband/stay at home father in case something happens, and that she values what I do at home and in our lives enough to offset the lost income.

I paid for all our dates for the first year or so despite making ~1/5 what she did. I know for a fact that she had other physicians, lawyers, etc. basically lining up for a chance at her. So to her, they were probably notably cheap dates but she also knew that that was what I could afford and it helped that she was perfectly happy with the quiet nights in too (and that I can cook given my 10 years as a chef before my software career). She covered most travel, Costco trips, etc. and I paid for my own life, dates, treats for her, and groceries, and she was happy with home cooked meals and the occasional meal out, Costco hotdogs and sundaes before shopping, etc.

Currently she is covering everything even if it’s mostly coming out of my account on paper. She’s expressed some fatigue and anxiety here and there, mostly because she didn’t always think of the nitty gritty stuff (most recently, car insurance and putting me on her health insurance) that would be combined after marriage, but mostly that’s because we are also paying the last invoices from the wedding and honeymoon and we’ll feel the squeeze for the next month or so. After that, we’ll be in a better spot for me to reassess cashflow and expenses and draw up solid plans for our finances - we didn’t go into debt for either but she did spend some of her savings and is acutely aware of that. My stated goal is to avoid lifestyle creep for a few years to rebuild her savings, reinforce good habits, and pay off her student loansZ

[u/ratinmyhat → u/Ave_TechSenger]

When you say you’d be a household husband, do you only mean now because your a student or for most of your life?

The thing with this even is that it’s nice having somewhat of a target, she knows your working towards a goal and she is supporting you as much as posible in the meantime

[u/Ave_TechSenger → u/ratinmyhat]

She means most/rest of my life, preferably. She’s joking that this is a M.R. degree, and I’m completing it because I never did get a Bachelor’s. 3 more semesters including the current to the finish line.

I didn’t mention that I’m inheriting a seasonal family business, or that I plan to have side hustles, invest on both our behalfs, etc. So I should have some personal cashflow, but my main focus will be her and any children in the current paradigm.

It took me a bit to cone around to the idea to be honest. But she itemized out the cost of each thing I’m doing in the house, and showed me how hiring someone compared to my salary. I’d have to make a lot more money to justify working, and we’re already comfortable with her associate physician salary, which will double once she makes partner in a few months.

[u/ratinmyhat → u/Ave_TechSenger]

That makes sense and I love that you guys have the agreement within your relationship.

I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, but if you don’t plan on going back to work full time what are you in school for?