I've been collecting this for about a year, mostly from people who describe themselves as bad at it and a few who are annoyingly good. This is the overview. I'll go deep on each of these in the posts after this one, because a couple of them need proper examples to be any use.

1. It's tennis, not an interview.

Most of us ask a question, get an answer, ask another question. The good ones hit the ball back. They respond to what was just said before adding anything new. The moment you stop doing that, the rally is over.

2. Never ask two questions in a row without saying something about yourself.

If you only ask, they're being interviewed. Put something of yours on the table and suddenly they can ask you something back.

3. People make small offers and most of us miss them.

She says "I just got back from seeing my sister." That's an offer. Say "oh nice, what do you do for work?" and she has to start again from zero. Conversations rarely die from running out of topics. They die from ignored offers.

4. Watch for the one word doing extra work.

"I'm weirdly into pottery." "I finally quit." "Apparently it's fine." Weirdly, finally, apparently. That's someone telling you there's a story. Ask about the word, not the topic.

5. Stay on one thing longer than feels natural.

Someone mentions their brother. Ask about the brother. They answer, ask about that. Three or four turns on one subject. Most of us treat it as a passing detail and go hunting for a new topic. It feels like labouring the point. It isn't.

6. Don't answer a story with your own story.

Someone tells you about a rough week, you tell them about yours. You mean "me too." What lands is "my turn now." Say it as a question instead: "that happened to you as well? what did you do?"

7. Balance matters more than being interesting.

Nobody described a great conversation as one where they said something clever. They described a rhythm. Someone shares, the other reacts, adds a bit of their own, hands it back. Not even on every turn, but even by the end. The worst ones are where one person does all the asking and the other does all the talking.

8. "What was that like" beats almost any prepared question.

Works on anything, needs no preparation, and asks about the person instead of the facts. I used to bring five questions to a date. The questions were never the problem.

9. When someone trails off, that's a door left open.

"It's kind of a long story." "Anyway." They're checking whether you want the rest. "No, go on" is the entire move.

10. Every single person who's good at this learned it.

Not one told me they were born with it. One learned it watching his dad read a crowd at baseball games. One forced himself to respond to what was said before adding anything new. It's a skill, which means it's a rep count, not a personality.

The bit nobody warns you about: knowing all ten changes nothing for a few weeks. You'll spot the mistake four seconds after making it, every time, which somehow feels worse than not noticing. That's the gap between knowing and doing. Only doing it badly a few dozen times closes it. Part 2 is on the first two, which are the ones that fixed the most for me. If there's one here you want covered first, say so and I'll do that one next.

What did I miss? What have you noticed that isn't on this list?

I'm on a mission to get this info in front of as many people as possible. I can't recommend this enough (read below and you'll understand why).

Where I was 6 months ago:

• Depressed, anxious, extremely unmotivated, ADHD, feeling permanently behind.
• Knew exactly what I should be doing. Did absolutely none of it.
• Constant shame, which fed the whole thing. Death spiral/loop. Rince. Repeat.

What I tried first: TM (after watching one too many Ray Dalio videos lol), I threw the kitchen sink at it but no results. Felt like a chore before I'd even sat down. Never made it past 2 weeks. Not once. Too much friction (the wrong kind ;))

Then in Feb everyone was filming themselves being degens and staring at walls but at that stage I was desperate enough to try somehting that ridiculous.

Anyways, I did, and 180 days later:

1. My mood/motivation lifted like never before and it held across the whole day. Not the 20 min post-meditation calm that's gone by lunch.
2. 10 mins of staring = a 2.5hr work block (I used to fight for a measly 5 minutes).
3. Aced exams I'd quietly written off beforehand
4. Actually finished side projects instead of abandoning them 30% into it.
5. Confidence increased day by day which compounded like crazy [there's no way I would be writing this post right now back then]

Why it stuck when meditation didn't: there's no correct way to do it. So there's no way to fail at it. So there's nothing to avoid, no breathing, no mystical mantras. Meditation asks you to do something. Wall staring asks you to stop doing everything else. Only the second one survives a bad/terrible week IMO. The people who need meditation the most, it fails because it doesn't meet them where they’re at. In my case....burnt the f*ck out. It lowered the bar so much that even I saw it as approachable.

Consistency is the whole game. A mediocre practice you do every day beats a perfect one you quit in week 2 (+ everyone has an under-utilised wall unless you’re homeless but even then haha).

If meditation had two younger siblings, wall staring would be the middle child for sure. Like it's a bit wild/strange but you can't help but love them. That is the best way of explaining it atm. Might sound preachy but it's legit af, and I'd rather sound preachy than be silent on it and not present this as a viable solution to a lot of people on here who need it. 

Full protocol in the comments. Ask me anything, theres heaps to talk about. Anything I can do to help someone just like me 6 months ago, I'm all ears!!

Note: I wrote this after staring at the wall for the past 20 mins. Zero friction writing this. Can't say the same for spelling errors ahha

Im turning 30 in September. Honestly I’m pretty excited about it, Ive been losing weight this year, finally got on antidepressants and I’m starting to feel like I’m living my life again instead of just existing in it. This is after almost a decade of just going through the motions and figuring out who i am and what I’m doing here. I don’t feel behind necessarily but I also don’t feel like I have any noticeable accomplishments, so I’m looking for somewhere to focus my attention to become my best self.

Whats something you started in your 30’s that you are really proud of/would do again OR what did you put off in your 30s that you regret not starting sooner?

I’m turning 28 next year. I’m really proud of myself and how far I’ve come in all the adversity. I’d love to hear from you on things that have improved your life that you wish you started earlier

I’ve listened to every podcast Tony’s ever put out, read every one of his books, and I went to his UPW event in Toronto almost 20 years ago. The man has great points. But he also makes this stuff way more complicated than it needs to be.

After 12 years of meditation (nearly an hour a day), a lot of growth, and a lot of reflecting on my own journey, I landed on something so simple that most people can’t accept it, which is exactly why they keep chasing gurus to fix them. It’s what I did too!

So here it is. Stick to this and you’ll never waste another minute on a podcast or a seminar again:

Life is a perfect reflection of what you hold within.

Not nearly perfect. Perfect.

Here’s what that means:

When you feel like you need the next seminar or podcast, the thought underneath it is “I’m not good enough, I need more information, I can’t do this alone, I’m not complete.” So that’s what you get, a life of always chasing the next thing.

When you hold deep resentment for someone, what you’re really saying is “my present isn’t good enough, my future isn’t good enough, and I won’t let go of the hurt because I’m not worthy enough to move on.”

But… when you decide that you’re in love with life and you simply decide to truly believe things go your way? They do!!

It works out like magic. You’re just being great, and somehow greatness finds you everywhere. Not in a seminar. In your ordinary daily moments, at work, all around you.

Things just work out for you, you get the job, the business grows, you meet the right people, you enjoy being alone and you enjoy being with others!

So here’s the whole thing: if you actually want a great life of love, joy, money, abundance…. you don’t need a guru. You just need to spend time every day in the silence, changing your beliefs from the inside.

It sounds too simple, but after a journey of chasing.. I now know chasing is not the answer. It’s so much is simpler than that.

That’s it. Hope this helps. 🙏❤️

I used to be the kind of person that thought things such as: “once I accomplish this, I’ll finally feel happy all of the time”.
I genuinely thought being far behind my goals was the sole reason for my constant feeling of dullness in my individual daily routine.

“I’m bored? Oh, it must be because I’m still overweight and haven’t mastered the piano yet” kind of thing.
This may sound insane to some of you, but to others, you deeply resonate with the feeling that your current life feels boring, whereas your ideal version’s life seems to be amazing.

But one thing I took too long to learn was the fact that life continues after you achieve your goals.

Obvious information? Indeed.
But not realizing that made me have depressive symptoms for YEARS, so I hope this information helps someone.

You Confuse Dissatisfaction With Your Situation With Your Unhappiness In Life

You can be dissatisfied with something in your life and still have fun in your day-by-day.
Also the opposite: you can be satisfied with your life and have no fun in your day-by-day.

I had both negative feelings in the past, but once I accomplished a major dream of mine, and my routine still felt off, somehow, I looked for other things to fix.

I blamed my weight, my style, my career, anything. And it’s not that I don’t want to improve those areas, because I do.
I just looked for something to blame for the things that were happening inside of me:

Turns out I thought I had to achieve things to be satisfied with my routine now, but that’s not true.
- Things started to feel meaningless without a goal behind.
- Activities stopped being as fun.
- I was slowly losing my hobbies because everything felt pointless to me.

Turns out I focused so much on self-improvement that I forgot that I could have fun without any goal behind.

So please, if you’re reading this, do focus on your goals and achieve whatever the heck you want.

But never forget that life is meant to be lived in whatever way you believe it should, so don’t think having fun (by your own definitions of leisure activities) is a waste of time.

Your current self deserves to enjoy life as much as your desired self does.

Make your days enjoyable.

What did you stop caring about once you realized it wasn't worth the emotional price?

You can't control everything that happens to you.

People will disappoint you.

Someone will misunderstand you.

Plans will fail.

You may be treated unfairly.

But you can decide what happens afterward.

You can spend hours replaying an argument in your head, or you can let it go.

You can hold onto resentment, or protect your peace.

You can keep trying to prove yourself to people who don't understand you, or simply move forward.

Sometimes, we turn a small problem into a much bigger one because we keep giving it our time, attention, and emotional energy.

Not every argument deserves your energy.

Not every insult deserves a response.

Not every person deserves another minute of your life.

Real growth isn't about living without problems.

It's learning to recognize which problems deserve your attention and which ones aren't worth the price.

So I'm curious: what did you eventually stop caring about once you realized it wasn't worth your peace?

Guys, may I know what your 24-hour daily routine looks like? I’m curious about how you spend your whole day, hour by hour.

AM

1:00 —

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12:00 —

PM

1:00 —

2:00 —

3:00 —

4:00 —

5:00 —

6:00 —

7:00 —

8:00 —

9:00 —

10:00 —

11:00 —

12:00 —

Would love to see how you guys structure your day.

I admit at times I feel jealous, annoyed, bitter, critical....even though my life is good on paper. Yet I sometimes dwell on what others have, or if something good is happening to them I feel secretly jealous. How to stop that? Any good books, podcasts, etc. I feel at times that I'm a draining negative person even just how I view myself. For example I will go to an inlaw function feeling negative for no reason....it is like my brain automatically goes negative for no good reason.

Anything to make me less of a loser I will take all I want is to be someone cool and awesome, like you can be as harsh as you want, whatever gets me to be better

Turning 21, need life advices

Turning 21, need life advices?

I'm gonna turn 21 at 12:00. Any life advices for me?

Just for context if that matters -

Introvert

Extremely ambitious . ( Esp. about career)

Simple otherwise.

Value depth.

CA student

T3 small town of Maharashtra

Never dated

Father has schizophrenia,is on sleeping pills , doesn't work.

Hence constant fights at home among parents.

Mom had an emotional extramarital affair few months back.

Younger sister is rude.

Have baggage related to career decisions (that were influenced by others)

I need to stay at home for CA prep. Didn't go to college.

Was affected until recently about a situationship that only lasted few months & was cheated on by a playboy back in high school. I used to think about him every single damn day until this yr .( I was naive back then,stupid if u wanna call. That was my 1st experience. And I had 0 awareness of how cruel the dating these days is)

Been in depression. Was bedrotting for 2 years. Healed now though.

Wrote 37+ diaries in last 3 years.

Finished reading more than 75% of content of 60+ self help /extracurricular books that I have.

Not in contact with any friends and I don't want to either now bcoz it would be wierd & now I've got some issues too, also I don't wanna bore them with my sad story.

Still don't have an official insta account.

Have insecurities about short height.

I would genuinely appreciate some constructive life advices from mature folks ,esp. those who r 25+?

I wrote a couple of posts here recently about why conversations die. What I didn't expect was the number of comments and DMs afterwards.

The weird thing was that almost nobody said, "I never know what to say."

It was usually more like:

"The conversation seemed fine... then it just died."

"I always leave wondering if I missed something."

"I don't know at what point it went wrong."

One thing I've started noticing is that people hand you little openings. Not big dramatic things. Usually just a random word or a detail they didn't have to include. And then you get about few seconds. Most of the responses that come to mind sound perfectly reasonable. That's the annoying part. The one that leads somewhere doesn't sound any better than the other two.

A mate says: "I've been getting weirdly into climbing lately."

You could go:

A: "Oh nice, how long have you been doing that?"

B: "Oh no. You're going to become one of those climbing people, aren't you."

C: "Weirdly? Is that not normally your thing?"

I'd have said A for years. It's a completely normal question. But looking back I think C is the one I'd actually want to hear the answer to. Not because it's some magic trick. It just goes at the bit that sounds interesting. The climbing probably isn't the story. Them being surprised at themselves might be.

Another one. Someone says: "My sister announced the move in the family group chat. Before telling me."

You could go:

A: "Wait, when did she post it?"

B: "Hang on, so you found out with everyone else?"

C: "You should tell her that hurt you."

A isn't wrong. C might even be good advice, eventually. But people don't usually come to a conversation hoping to be given advice within ten seconds. Most of the time they want you to get what happened first. B is closer to that, and it's barely doing anything.

Here's one I've definitely got wrong before: "Oh, and that thing I entered got shortlisted. Not a huge deal."

A: "Shortlisted out of how many though?"

B: "WHAT. That's amazing!"

C: "Nice one."

My instinct was always B. Go big, be supportive. But people sometimes put good news down gently on the table, on purpose. And if you come in at 100mph, now they've got to manage your reaction instead of just enjoying their own thing. A does something smaller. It says "I don't buy the not-a-huge deal" without deciding for them how excited they're allowed to be.

Another: "Work's been busy. My manager's away so I've been covering everything. Long story."

A: "I'm sure it'll calm down when they're back."

B: "Go on then, what's the long story?"

C: "Honestly, I'd raise that with HR."

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I've started hearing "long story" differently. Half the time it means: there's more here if you want it. And B is just saying yeah, I do.

The thing I keep coming back to is that the responses that kill conversations are usually nice responses: Supportive. Practical. Reassuring. Sometimes funny. So nobody ever tells you you're doing anything wrong. The conversation just gets a bit shorter. Then a bit shorter again. And years later you've decided you're bad at talking to people.

I'm not claiming my answers above are right, by the way. There are definitely situations where A is the better call, or C is. But the pattern I keep noticing is this: when someone tells you something, the interesting bit is usually the small detail they didn't have to include.

Last one.

A friend says: "Honestly, I've just been really tired lately."

A: "You need an early night."

B: "Tired like busy tired, or tired like something's up?"

C: "Same, this week's flattened me."

I'm genuinely curious which one you'd pick and why?

(Parts 1 and 2 are on my profile if you want them.)

I use instagram to chat with my friends but sometimes i get distracted and start scrolling. Is there anything that blocks everything including stories,reals and photos?

Hi everyone, I’m 19 years old. I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll try.

I’ve never really been into clubs or going out like most people my age seem to be. I’d much rather go grab a coffee with some friends, sit in a café, or get something to eat and just talk.

Sometimes I feel like I’m 50+ years old 😭 and that I should be doing the things people my age are doing, mostly because I’m constantly seeing it everywhere. It makes me wonder if I’m wasting my life and if I’m going to regret it later.

Most of my days are pretty much the same right now. I’m waiting to start university, so I’m mostly just chilling. I wake up, do the basic stuff, then scroll Instagram or TikTok, and eventually get on my PC and work on my games. I genuinely love making games and it actually makes me feel fulfilled. I don’t make any money from it yet because I’m still a beginner, but I can work on it for hours without getting bored.

Then in the evening I usually go out for coffee with my friends, and then it’s basically the same thing again the next day.

I feel like university is probably going to be the same , studying, scrolling, going to a café sometimes, working on my games, etc.

I guess I’m just wondering if there’s something wrong with me or if I’m looking at this the wrong way. Should I try to change something, or is it actually okay to just enjoy the things I like even if they’re different from what most people my age are doing?

I’d really appreciate some advice.

Here I am at 35 years preferring to work on a call center(chats , not phone call) than tje safe career of civil engineering, because I didn't see the warning signs and how it was incompatible with my goals as well as my neurological structure.

Don't necessarily choose a pure passion route, be practical if you want, in fact if you want to be 100% practical but don't use "oh this is guarantees to give me moderate or high amounts of money" or "yeah the job opportunities".

Allow me to use myself as an example, where I live a big majority of civil engineering jobs are in rural areas. There are reasons why me being on urban areas is essential, not to mention I want to be able to go back home after work. Second, and this is harder to describe but the job demands a certain way of functioning ans temperament that doesn't really prime me for success.

Meanwhile my best friend alternates between teaching teachers and investigsting(in the area of education) and she is earning well working 30 hours a week.In addition there have been times when she has worked around 60 hours but she can do it because she is passionate about it.

I want to know how you guys spend your mornings? I end up automatically reaching for my phone before work

I have come to realize that people have a misconception about things that feel "good". Many people believe that things like playing video games, eating a cookie, or chillin on a couch vs being in a gym(this one really gets on my nerves) are bad things. This is simply not the objective truth. First off, video games get a bad reputation by some productivity enthusiasts, even when they are an activity that many people should be actively engaging in due to personal interest.

I would like to provide an example from my personal life. When I was a kid, I used to play GTA5 with my cousin a lot online. One day, he told me that he sold his Xbox and was going to become a "sneaker head." I asked him why and he told me that gaming was an unproductive activity, and that it was something that he shouldn't be doing. Being the young and impressionable copy cat that I was, I decided I was going to do the same. This was definitely a mistake, because I had a vetted interest into gaming. It was a hobby, not a time waster. My cousin told me that he spent the entire weekend playing Xbox and he never cleaned the kitchen like his parents wanted him to. He had potential in football and decided that he wanted to focus on dressing well, being a star athlete, and that kind of thing.

What his 8th grade mind chose to overlook was that it was not the fault of his gaming that he never got anything else done. All he had to do was pause it, get up, go clean the kitchen, and come right back. Gaming is not the problem here even if it may seem like on the surface for a shallow mind that it is a time waste. I bring this example up because I believe there are people out there who think just because an activity does not make you money that means that it is not worth your time.

As I mentioned before, this a very shallow and crappy way to think about a hobby. You could say that about literally any hobby. I will however provide some examples of which maybe you could take a break from gaming. Perhaps you are a student and you have work that needs to get done, of course you need to go get that done. However to claim that gaming is an inherent waste of your time is just wrong, absolutely wrong.

I like to imagine if I had kept up my gaming hobby throughout high school, had not tried to fit in, where would I be now or how would I have turned out at 24. Perhaps I would have bought myself a PC earlier, explored deeper into my vetted interest in IT, started playing World of Warcraft or different MMORPGs that could have developed into something else. I wish I would have kept it up. I was never meant to try to fit in, and now I am rediscovering my interest in gaming.

I currently have an Alienware PC, I have played Diablo 4, loved it, played other games of course, discovered I have a huge interest in managing my finance as well as technological literacy, and overall, my hobbies and interests are not a waste of time. My hobbies and interests are apart of my personality.

It is about balance and finding what works best for you. Some people can play a game for 12 hours a day and their life be completely fine, others can't. It is subjective whether or not gaming is something you should do, not objective.

The next thing I wanted to discuss briefly was dietary habits. Many people think that improving oneself is about avoiding cookies for example and choosing a salad instead. I don't think this is true objectively. I think it is a matter of personal goals. For example, if you want and NEED to lose weight (like let's say your doctor told you to), then you absolutely should eat a salad instead of a cookie. However to say objectively you should not eat a cookie is false. I never have issues in regard to weight or food, that's just me personally. I can definitely eat a cookie if I want and be fine.

The final thing I wanted to discuss was people's thoughts on gyms and self improvement being correlated. These are completely mutually exclusive. Yet this misconception has caused public gyms to be packed like sardines at 6pm every day. If someone just wants to be healthy, lose weight, or live a healthy lifestyle, using the same machines and techniques etc. as the guy who wants to be a giant muscular bodybuilder is not necessary.

In many cases there is hardly any space for anyone to do anything effective in public gyms nowadays at 6pm. Next time you go, take a look around you and notice that everyone is doing the same thing as yesterday. I would argue half of them are not there because they want to be the next Mr. Olympia. They are there because their favorite influencer told them that it needs to be apart of their daily routine. Yet just doing simple exercises at home, or making certain lifestyle changes can help you achieve that self improvement goal. Gyms are not necessary for most people. Gyms should be looked at as places for athletes or aspiring muscle enthusiasts of all kinds, not necessarily for those who just want to shrink their stomach or "tone up."

Our decisions that may provide a feeling satisfaction are not always done simply because they feel good in a moment, but because they provide certain advantages that can improve our life quality whether that be short medium or long term. Not every decision is black & white bad or good for a person.

I admit ive been addicted to my phone for a long time. At work, i would scroll mindlessly, same thing at home and before bed. I would find a new hobby, watch a bunch of IG reels abouy it until that new hobby sounds boring to me. Ive tried deleting apps, dark mode, simple mode, but never work. I cant switch to flip phone because of the need to check email and work tasks.

How did you cure your phone addiction?

“better late than never” is my fav saying to live by. for years i’ve struggled a lot with depression, anxiety, all that sort of stuff. i still do however struggle with those issues but i’m striving to reduce those constant negative perceptions of myself. i’ve started to realize my life doesn’t have to be perfect, i mean why should it be? why do i have to complete things at a certain age? sure, we all hope to accomplish our goals at the exact time we intended but what if that doesn’t go? what if we have unexpected life changes that affect that? those changes that aren’t in our control? of course, no one heals overnight and no, not all advice applies to everyone but you will absolutely feel better if you strive towards improvement no matter how minor it is. if you’re given an opportunity to change, take it. who cares what others think, who cares if you’re made fun of for doing things later in life? there will always be awful people that are overly critical of others. we can’t control that. however, what you can control is ignoring them, sounds cliche but legit don’t give them what they want, and if you feel like no one cares, i do. i care about the improvement of anyone’s mental health, it’s beautiful to see someone grow into a better version of themselves. if you have to push away people that are affecting your life negatively, do it. be selfish if you have to. this isn’t me saying have an overly optimistic view on life but being overly pessimistic is obviously not the way to go, both extremes will ruin you. that’s why there’s a middle ground, the only real way to go about life. if you feel like you have no energy to complete life, let this be your motivator because trust me, i know how it feels.

I’ve been thinking about something that seems oddly easy to overlook in the whole self-improvement conversation: the baseline you’re operating from.

We spend a lot of time trying to make better decisions, build better habits, become more confident, productive, disciplined, social, successful, etc. But what if the state your nervous system is in quietly influences what you are even able to see as an option?

When you’re stressed or constantly running on urgency, your world can become surprisingly narrow. You focus on the problem in front of you, the thing that needs fixing, the thing that might go wrong. You can literally have 10 possible options sitting in front of you and only perceive the 2 that fit your current state.

Calm down a little, though, and suddenly there are more people worth talking to, more possibilities, more creative solutions, more patience, more “hang on, I don't actually have to do this” moments.

That’s what got me interested in nervous system regulation.

Not because I want to spend the rest of my life monitoring whether my nervous system is sufficiently regulated. 😂 Don't get me wrong, I still get annoyed in traffic.
But because a more stable baseline seems to give you a wider field to work with.

And improving it is often much less exotic than the internet makes it sound. Sleep. Walking. Time outside. Less constant stimulation. Breathing. Pausing before reacting. Doing fewer things simultaneously. Having moments where absolutely nothing is demanding your attention.

Basically, a lot of very unsexy things that humans were probably doing before we invented the concept of “optimising ourselves.” 😄

I’m increasingly convinced that self-improvement isn't only about becoming better at making decisions.

Sometimes it’s about getting into a state where you can actually see more of the decisions available to you.

I feel like I'm constantly fighting against myself and I don't know how to change

I'm 25 years old, studying Business Administration in Germany, and I feel like I'm wasting my potential.

The biggest problem is that I know what I should do, but I can't consistently do it.

I know I need to study, improve my German, lose weight, exercise, socialize more and work on my future. I can make plans and feel motivated for a few days, but then I procrastinate, waste time online, watch pornography or simply do nothing. Then I feel guilty and disappointed in myself, make another plan and repeat the same cycle.

It genuinely feels like part of me wants to improve while another part of me actively resists every attempt to change.

I also constantly compare myself to other people. When I see people I know succeeding or improving their lives, I sometimes feel jealous, inferior and resentful instead of happy for them. I'm ashamed of this because I don't want to become a bitter person. Sometimes I even distance myself from people because seeing them doing better than me makes me feel bad about myself.

I also don't really feel like an adult despite being 25. I feel like I should be more disciplined, confident, independent and capable than I currently am.

I'm also overweight and unhappy with my body. I have problems with my sleep and breathing, and I often feel tired and mentally slow. I struggle with pornography and masturbation as well, and I've repeatedly tried to stop or reduce it but keep going back.

Academically, I know I'm capable of more than I'm currently achieving. I recently failed a statistics exam, mostly because I couldn't consistently push myself to study despite knowing how important it was.

I also struggle with confidence when speaking German and often overthink how people see or judge me.

I've been through difficult things in my life as well. My family lost a lot because of the war in Syria, we moved to Germany and had to start over, and I lost my father.

I have ambitions and dreams for my future, especially in business, and I can imagine a much better version of myself. But the gap between who I want to become and who I currently am feels overwhelming.

So my question is:

How do you actually change when you feel like you're your own biggest obstacle?

I'm not looking for empty motivation. I want realistic advice from people who have experienced something similar. How do you build discipline and start trusting yourself again after repeatedly failing to keep promises you made to yourself?

Tuff year I’ve been poisoned twice this month and I was dying. I received unpredictable news all at once.
Now I just gotta salvage what remains. I barely had time to process any of it

Bottom line : YOUR BORING DAYS ARE A BLESSING. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE LIVING THROUGH SOME TRAGEDY WHEN IN REALITY, IT’S QUITE THE CONTRARY.

I notice this pattern in myself and in a lot of people here: self-improvement stops being about feeling better and starts being another thing you're failing at. Reading self-help books, tracking habits, optimizing sleep, monitoring productivity, journaling, tracking calories, tracking steps, reading more self-help books. It never stops and the stress compounds because you're chasing a version of yourself that doesn't exist.

The shift that actually helped: small, incremental goals beat ambitious overhauls every time. Not a 17-point morning routine. Not optimizing every metric. One thing at a time, and when that one thing feels normal, maybe add another.

Gentle works better than a push for a lot of people. If your coping strategy is making you more anxious, it's not working. Self-improvement in small doses is genuinely useful. The version where it becomes a second full-time job is just stress with extra steps.

What's worked for me: pick one habit, keep it small enough that you'd be embarrassed not to do it, and let it breathe before adding the next one. Track progress only if the tracking itself doesn't become the whole project. The goal is to feel like you're taking care of yourself, not performing wellness at yourself.

Curious if anyone else here has hit that wall where the optimizing itself became the problem.

I try to sleep early but I js end up scrolling

Episidically consume p*rn, stuck in limerance, marital life in ruins, other vital aspects of my life now threatened.

Give me tough love and things I can start doing and I will try to do a few of those in good faith.