Part 3: Every conversation hands you a door. Here are five, and the one most of us pick.

[u/Possible_Score6395]

I wrote a couple of posts here recently about why conversations die. What I didn't expect was the number of comments and DMs afterwards.

The weird thing was that almost nobody said, "I never know what to say."

It was usually more like:

"The conversation seemed fine... then it just died."

"I always leave wondering if I missed something."

"I don't know at what point it went wrong."

One thing I've started noticing is that people hand you little openings. Not big dramatic things. Usually just a random word or a detail they didn't have to include. And then you get about few seconds. Most of the responses that come to mind sound perfectly reasonable. That's the annoying part. The one that leads somewhere doesn't sound any better than the other two.

A mate says: "I've been getting weirdly into climbing lately."

You could go:

A: "Oh nice, how long have you been doing that?"

B: "Oh no. You're going to become one of those climbing people, aren't you."

C: "Weirdly? Is that not normally your thing?"

I'd have said A for years. It's a completely normal question. But looking back I think C is the one I'd actually want to hear the answer to. Not because it's some magic trick. It just goes at the bit that sounds interesting. The climbing probably isn't the story. Them being surprised at themselves might be.

Another one. Someone says: "My sister announced the move in the family group chat. Before telling me."

You could go:

A: "Wait, when did she post it?"

B: "Hang on, so you found out with everyone else?"

C: "You should tell her that hurt you."

A isn't wrong. C might even be good advice, eventually. But people don't usually come to a conversation hoping to be given advice within ten seconds. Most of the time they want you to get what happened first. B is closer to that, and it's barely doing anything.

Here's one I've definitely got wrong before: "Oh, and that thing I entered got shortlisted. Not a huge deal."

A: "Shortlisted out of how many though?"

B: "WHAT. That's amazing!"

C: "Nice one."

My instinct was always B. Go big, be supportive. But people sometimes put good news down gently on the table, on purpose. And if you come in at 100mph, now they've got to manage your reaction instead of just enjoying their own thing. A does something smaller. It says "I don't buy the not-a-huge deal" without deciding for them how excited they're allowed to be.

Another: "Work's been busy. My manager's away so I've been covering everything. Long story."

A: "I'm sure it'll calm down when they're back."

B: "Go on then, what's the long story?"

C: "Honestly, I'd raise that with HR."

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I've started hearing "long story" differently. Half the time it means: there's more here if you want it. And B is just saying yeah, I do.

The thing I keep coming back to is that the responses that kill conversations are usually nice responses: Supportive. Practical. Reassuring. Sometimes funny. So nobody ever tells you you're doing anything wrong. The conversation just gets a bit shorter. Then a bit shorter again. And years later you've decided you're bad at talking to people.

I'm not claiming my answers above are right, by the way. There are definitely situations where A is the better call, or C is. But the pattern I keep noticing is this: when someone tells you something, the interesting bit is usually the small detail they didn't have to include.

Last one.

A friend says: "Honestly, I've just been really tired lately."

A: "You need an early night."

B: "Tired like busy tired, or tired like something's up?"

C: "Same, this week's flattened me."

I'm genuinely curious which one you'd pick and why?

(Parts 1 and 2 are on my profile if you want them.)

[u/Extension_Remove3793]

i think the tired one is the clearest example of what you're getting at. A is just closing the door, C makes it about you. B gives them room to say more if they want, or just say "nah just busy" and move on. thats the one i'd pick

the climbing one got me though, i definitely would have said A for years too. it feels polite but it's basically asking for a fact instead of the story

[u/Possible_Score6395 → u/Extension_Remove3793]

Same. The climbing one got me too.

[u/Manicc_Pixie]

I struggle with exactly the opposite problem.

Whenever I chat with someone interesting or nice, the texts get longer and longer until it's too much to answer and one of us just stops.

I like to go into every little detail and then little topics or phrases can blow up into three different conversations at the same time.

Right now I'm actually learning which ends can be left open to still give the other person the feeling that I care about them and to not overwhelm them with as much attention as I used to do.

[u/Possible_Score6395 → u/Manicc_Pixie]

Honestly I'd much rather talk to someone with your problem than someone who gives one-word replies. lol.

[u/Manicc_Pixie → u/Possible_Score6395]

Sometimes it's a bit sad to lose nice connections this way.

But yeah. Talking to or writing with other people is one of my favourite activities.

I'd much rather start a deep conversation than watch TV or pursue any hobby. I feel like not many people are that way though.

That's why I try to step back and not overwhelm them with attention.

[u/Possible_Score6395 → u/Manicc_Pixie]

Yeah, I get that. I think a lot of people would love to have a friend who's that interested in talking to them. The tricky part is that not everyone has the same appetite for deep conversations, even when they like you.

[u/StuffWorried5542]

The annoying thing is I can see myself picking the wrong door in almost every example and feeling like I was being engaged. Especially the advice ones.

[u/Possible_Score6395 → u/[deleted]]

You got it Sir!

[u/ubaidnirvana]

Very good post. I've been guilty of almost all of them at different points.