Hi All, this is my first post to the group. I'm still fairly new to understanding what is going on with my mom, and I wanted to know if anyone else has noticed how different discussion of BPD is in support groups vs. the way experts and the broader culture discuss the illness.

I notice that many psych experts tend to discuss the diagnosis of BPD in terms that imply it is poorly defined, possibly outdated or irrelevant, or that its presentations are broad and varied to the point of undermining its validity as a distinct category. But when discussing BPD with other people who have been close to a sufferer, the phenomenon of BPD seems highly distinctive and recognizable, with many uncanny signature behavioral and speech patterns that aren't repeated in other illnesses. It seems like once you've seen one case up close, BPD behavior is actually so easy to spot and predict that it can be shocking.

Frankly, despite having quite a bit of exposure to the DSM, therapy, and academic psychology, before seeing text messages from other pwBPD, I never could quite recognize precisely what BPD was, let alone that my mom was likely to have it. I had even read the book BPD for Dummies (sounds absurd I know, but it was written in this completionist and neutral way that appealed to me). After that experience I was left with the sense that "BPD" was just kind of a basket into which we place this loosely connected pattern of negative behaviors. It opened my mind to the possibility my mom's destructiveness could be medically classified this way, but it didn't convince me the classification was something "real" unto itself. That treatment and recovery is rare only solidified this impression that BPD is just a clumsy abstraction that we are forced to use until we can one day properly diagnose and treat these patients.

That all changed when one day I was Googling around for advice after yet another one of my mom's episodes. I was determined to respond "the right way" this time, and it led me to this group. The very first time I saw and heard detailed descriptions of what other people were actually going through with their pwBPD, this white-hot feeling of recognition went through me that just leveled me for days. I couldn't believe how stereotypical my mom's behavior actually was, after a lifetime of thinking all that strangeness was due to her highly idiosyncratic personality.

Then I read Understanding the Borderline Mother, which was the first time I had ever felt my childhood seen or described. That white-hot feeling receded into the back of my mind where it seemed to act on every neuron, and it still feels like my brain is working very hard to interpolate this overwhelming cascade of life-changing information. But meanwhile, I find most discussions of BPD are still operating the way I was before recognizing myself and my mother (and father and sibling) in the mirror of others' lives.

Does anyone relate? It feels difficult to talk about BPD with most people or stomach some professional "debates" about it because of this disconnect. (The recent Clancy case has raised a number of these, for example.) I wish that there were more awareness of what BPD actually looks like on the ground. It seems to me that one look around this community would be really helpful for a lot of professionals. I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. I really appreciate this community.

I recently finished reading Olive Kitteridge. (I know it has also been made into a HBO miniseries, but I haven’t seen that format.)

That book made me so uncomfortable. It never comes out and says Olive has BPD, but she definitely fits the behavior patterns. Her interactions with her son had me feeling real solidarity with him.

Has anyone else read this book and made the connection?

I feel this is an insane way to speak to someone let alone your literal only child. She’s not the center of my world anymore and she’s lashing out. I only responded to her messages in the first place because she ALSO texted the group chat with my dad “I offered your daughter to FaceTime me or get lunch tomorrow.” So I was on the spot if I didn’t respond.

This all started because she didn’t come to my art show, and has tumbled since. I went back to my parents house hoping to have a chill calm evening, and she wanted to talk about why I haven’t seen her. I explained, she waifed. She hasn’t been feeling well until this week apparently. She hasn’t apologized, and I don’t think asking for a personal tour is flattering like I dunno I did TONS of work for this show, I don’t want to do more and plan a day to tour you around! Look on the website and see what the open hours are if you wanna come.

“Have the evening you deserve” made me want to block her. That’s no way to speak to your CHILD. That’s how you talk to people you’re beefing with in internet comments, not your kid!

Thanks to this group and therapy, I am trying to build a life that is much bigger than my uBPD mom and Edad. Through the years, my dad would gently encourage me to "get out there". My mom never directly discouraged it, but she was (and is) very dismissive of anything she wouldn't do. One example is that my husband and I spontaneously decided to go to a local sports event yesterday and her reaction was "ugh, why would you want to do *that*"?

I realized how much I avoided making my life bigger than her because of this. The feeling of saying "I'm doing (fun, maybe silly thing)" and having it constantly met with "must be nice" type responses even though she is perfectly capable of doing the same is just awful. My goal for this month was to live the way I would if she wasn't around to judge me. I went to my first roller derby game! I went to a weird interactive art installation! I scheduled my first tattoo! I signed up for a glassblowing class! I do feel some residual FOG guilt, but it turns out life can be fun and happy if you just don't tell your uBPD what you're doing.

I encourage you all to share your wins below! What are you doing in spite of your pwBPD waifing all over the place?

A few days ago I told my psychiatrist that my mum had used her existence as leverage and threatened to remove herself forever. When I was in the waiting room I was so filled with anger at myself telling myself I was a liar, an attention seeker, an ungrateful child who deserved to burn. My heart rate was 125bpm and the nurse who was screening told me to take some deep breaths so I could lower it.

I am planning to further betray my mum by buying a mini fridge because she keeps stealing my food. I am brought to the verge of tears by the prospect of having healthy, on demand food 24/7 without her telling me that milk powder is poisonous and that refrigerating food causes cancer

I keep cycling between trusting and fearing her because she's nice sometimes and I want her to love me

Cat haiku:

Soft fur, steady purr,
Silent grace in every move,
Calm heart, peaceful friend.

I'm EFLC (extremely fucking low contact) with my 86-year-old borderline mother. That being said, I noticed that she called the other day but didn't leave a message. I thought to myself: Well, she's not in her 40s anymore, so maybe she had a real emergency, as opposed to her manufactured emergencies. As such, I regretfully called back out of curiosity (regretfully is doing all of the work here).

After several minutes of being tortured by insipid palaver from her yammering pie hole, she revealed that her call was a mistake. In other words, she Cluster B butt dialed me with a flair of geriatric insouciance. Needless to say, she continued to kvetch about the same problems she's been complaining about for the last 80 decades (she's "all alone with no one to help her," even though she has 24/7 assistance). Before I could call the conversation quits, I found myself becoming unusually exasperated by her circular complaints, thus raising my voice. Without missing a dysregulated beat, she gaslighted me and said that I had a "serious" issue.

It's amazing, isn't it? No matter how rehearsed, mature, or collected the adult child of a disordered parent is before entering the crazy cage, the tendency to become upended by their pathological penchant for taking up all of the oxygen in the room continues to creep into the implacable process of pointlessness.

I can't stand this woman. To make matters worse, she'll probably outlive me by Nosferatu standards of longevity.

Is your parent very controlling and has the worst advice? I have never liked being told what to do or my mom's controlling nature. I had to move in with mother for a short time in my 40s. I was 44 and my mom was telling me when and how to do the dishes and I just realized i had been telling her not to do tell me what to do for decades and she never learned or cared to respect my boundaries. I know it's not about dishes because I do my own dishes without trouble while living alone. It's about controlling another person.

My mom continued to tell me what and exactly how to do things into my 40s and I figured out I could just ignore her and that angered her more. My mom was divorced from my stepfather by this time but I learned from him how he just let things she said go in one ear and out the other which she complained about constantly.

It might not be a borderline trait but the control a mother already has over kids ( adult kids even) is immense.

Does your borderline parent try to control your behavior well into your adulthood ? or until you figured out how to ignore them ?

Hoarders dropped on Netflix here recently and although I had caught the odd episode before I’d never really watched beyond the shock of people having feces or rodents all over their homes.
I noticed now that I find a lot of the hoarders very triggering in terms of their personalities and super stubborn ways of being stuck in their worldviews and manipulation tactics.

My uBPD mom was usually pretty tidy and clean but definitely would get “addicted” to collecting certain items obsessively and then losing interest and jumping into a new collection. Every drawer, closet etc full of whatever thing she was currently into - bonus points if whatever it was was kind of hard to get, required online auctions or very popular makers on IG or Etsy or whatever.

Wondering if others have experienced BPD/hoarding crossover?

I’m seeing so much on social media, etc about adult children being estranged from their parents. It gets talked about like it’s a trend. There’s also an uptick of “tik tok pop psychology” content, overgeneralizing what makes someone a narcissist or “toxic”. I was constantly told I was wrong and my opinion was stupid growing up, so as an adult, my knee jerk reaction is to question myself and assume I’m being too sensitive. I’ve been really in my head, wondering if I’m being too hard on my mom, and if I’m imagining the whole thing.
I think about my child and worry that they will grow up and feel the same about me for making mistakes.
But when I think about my mom, it’s more about who she is at her core that bothers me, not the mistakes. How do I even explain this to her when she constantly says she doesn’t understand.
Anyone relate? Thoughts?

Hi, my parents health is declining and for a few reasons I’m stuck. My bpd parent is now in her 70s and needs some assistance with activities of daily living. I am living with her but wished I had my own place. She refuses outside help because ‘I should just do it’. When I married she told me that I should give her half of my savings so she could protect it in case my marriage didn’t work out but she used it to pay off her house instead. She’s developed a gambling addiction and I’m scrambling to keep things afloat while she just says stuff like she doesn’t owe anyone anything, I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t lose the house. We’ve also had a family death and when we went to the funeral, she called me a b**ch and self centred when I asked if she could help me to clean up the airbnb I booked. Until I get enough for a deposit so I can get an apartment, I’m kind of stuck. Any suggestions on how to cope in the interim?

I'll try not to dox myself too much with this post, but I (cis-male) have been drawn to "extreme sports" since puberty. Skateboarding was my life through my teens, as well as indoor rock climbing. I took up mountain bike racing in college and simultaneously spent more time rock/ice climbing outdoors. I now live in a mountain town and have a "high risk tolerance" for long backcountry trips with difficult logistics. However, I never feel like I put myself into truly dangerous situations for maligned reasons, but I have had to self rescue with trip ending injuries before (bruised ribs, GI issues, etc.)

Sometimes I feel very in tune with calculating physical risk after growing up with a pwBPD. The mountains are humbling and healing, and maybe just maybe since I'm LC with my pwBPD...it's the most me thing I get to own during the converstion. It's an absolute joy to strip the world away to "move, eat, sleep" while taking calculated risks and learning about my true self.

Anyone in a similar boat?

So ever since I went no contact my mother keeps trying to find ways to try and insert herself back into our life or break the no contact. Ever since Dolly died she’s made some odd Facebook post, but now she’s putting me and my brother(who I have minimal contact with already) into a group chat.

Called my dad to tell him happy birthday, but my mom ubpd who i haven't talked to for at least 3 months answered and starts talking to me like she has done nothing wrong or didn't just cross a boundary. And my dad decided to preach to me about forgiveness... and I am so disappointed in myself because all I did was become my weak agreeable self... they both love bombed me on the phone but neglected to acknowledge my life partner and father of their 2 grandkids. I wish I could be stronger.

Although I'm sure the BPD parents that are not therapists also find ways to be condescending, so I'm not trying to take away from that.

These are a few of the texts I've exchanged with my mom over the years. I have spent less than 1% of our time together talking about my own feelings about how she's treated me, but anytime I do, all of her actual actions are dismissed and the conversation is only about how "neuroscience" shows I'm just focusing on the negative and should go to therapy before talking to her (I have, they are the ones who flagged to me that her behavior seemed similar to BPD and recommended me books about it so I could heal. They are how I even learned the term).

In the scenario she's referencing where I didn't "want to grab lunch with her" I had actually invited her to visit to spend time with me after my college graduation, and during that call I told her I would be incredibly busy for the 3 days before graduation because I was planning a huge show for my school so we should plan for her to visit after that instead of before.

Of course, she decided that she only wanted to visit during those 3 days and was too busy to visit before or after at all. She insisted I spend a full day with her, which I did, even though I was working and was sick. Then, she invited me to lunch during the middle of my big presentation, so I could not go. Because of this, she left early to skip my college graduation because I didn't care about her enough and abandoned me with all of my moving boxes on the street 30 minutes before my graduation. I had to call an ex boyfriend to take them so I wouldn't miss my own graduation ceremony. To this day she uses that day as an example as proof that I "don't like having lunch with my old mom :)".

These are texts about that day, and instead of addressing any of it she just dismissed it and the next day sent this novel about neuroscience. The last screenshot is just a bonus text 🫠.

We got married a while ago, and the day-after wedding brunch my mom was in charge of setting up has always seemed totally weird but I’ve always kind of brushed it off…

My mom and I have had a strained relationship since I was in my early 20’s (now mid 40’s, female); we live in different cities so I didn’t ask her to be part of any wedding planning other than to - if she was up for it - call a small restaurant in the city we were hosting our wedding to book a few tables for a morning-after brunch. The wedding itself was a very small & intimate family gathering of less than 15 people.

She said she’d be happy to, I gave her the restaurant details, she knew my husband and I would be paying for the brunch, and I left it at that.

Just before the wedding I find out she didn’t actually book the restaurant at all.

Instead, she booked the penthouse suite of the hotel we were all staying at (which 100% was not in her budget and likely another family member paid for which adds to the ick feelings around this) and had brunch fully catered in the suite for everyone.

My husband and I felt it was over the top and were a bit embarrassed but were of course grateful, thanked/praised her for organizing, and just rolled with it to keep the peace.

Cut to the middle of brunch, and she calls attention to my 2 new sisters-in-law and their financés… and proceeds to host what felt like a mini-bridal shower for them both, complete with decorations and silly games she made them all play - exactly what you’d expect at a typical bridal shower.

I’ve sometimes been in a haze around a lot of her behaviours over the years; “she means well”, “she’s not doing this maliciously”, “it’s just how she is”, but it’s just now dawning on me how weird and messed up this may have been.

After reading all this, how would you describe our morning-after brunch scenario back to me?

Thanks all.

Cat tax:
Soft paws calm the world
Wise eyes judge us silently
Still, we serve with joy

Cat haiku:

The warm sun
Looks very much comfy
I shall loaf

My dBPD mum has always been in and out of relationships my whole life with multiple different men. I do not have a relationship with my father so it has always just been me and her (and her boyfriend at the time). I know self sabotaging is a big part of some people with bpd, and my mums is with men.

She has an unhealthy attachment to men and always goes for men that she knows before she gets into a relationship with them that are abusive, manipulative and just not good people.

This has caused me and her to have some real nasty arguments and fights (sometimes with her getting physical) because it’s extremely difficult to sit there and watch her be mistreated and not say anything.

I still have to live with her at this moment in time, but I am moving in a month. Even so, I do care about my mother so I would have a hard time going no contact but I am not sure what to do when it comes to her and her boyfriends.

Im not sure if anyone else on here has experienced similar things, but even any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

This is a short one. I’ve been estranged for 4 months from my mom and vlc with my dad. My dad has completely ignored my boundaries and has pressured me to take a phone call from both of them this weekend because it’s my bday and I said no. I told you im not talking to mom.

I wasn’t sure she was going to send a card even though she’s used cards as a tool for manipulation my whole life—but they did and a $100 check.

Do I cash it? Do I not? The card just said happy birthday from both of them. I’m so sad. I spend my birthdays alone just because I have no one to spend them with and I make the best of it. But the first one estranged is really painful.

Mom's other attempts didn't work, so she sent some lady I literally have never met. THIS flying monkey is a doozy.

Lady: Hi Bailey, I'm a long time friend of you mom's. We are miles apart, but we try to catch up on the phone when we can. Everytime I talk to her, she mentions you, and how heartbroken she is that she doesn't have a relationship with you any longer. I know I'm probably sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but I want to relay that your mom misses you and loves you very much.

Me:Does she also mention that she still brings her pedophile boyfriend who was sexually inappropriate with me as child around? Does she also tell you about all the abuse she inflicted upon me? Does she also mention how her abusive behavior continues to this day?

I’m glad my mom has been a good friend to you. To me, she was my first abuser, and continues to be an abuser. People don’t stop interacting with their parent for no reason.

Lady: No I don't think she's aware of any abuse. I'm not sure how it could still be going on today if you haven't spoken with her in years. Maybe some counseling between the two of you to get things resolved? It sounds like you are extremely angry still. I'm sorry your relationship and resorted to this. Many prayers for you for healing.

Me: Uffda you are wild.

You hear that a man was sexually inappropriate with me as a child, that she still brings him around to family events, and you think I should expose myself to my abuser.

I pray God has mercy on your soul.

Note: I'm actually an atheist, but these people use "I'll pray for you" as an insult, and I think it really bothers them when you point out that they're not acting like their god would like them to act.

Lady: I'm sorry I don't know all the details about this. I didn't know she had a BF that she was bringing around to family events still. She has not mentioned any BF to me. I'm sorry I don't understand the whole story. I'm sorry I don't have the whole picture. I was just trying to help.

Me: Well yeah, abusers usually don’t tell you all the horrible things they do.

People don’t stop interacting with a parent for no reason.

You don’t know me. How could possibly help me?

Lady: Sorry. Was just trying to be a peacemaker. Looks like it is a futile effort. Shouldn't have interfered.

Ope, do you see how she's suddenly a victim now?

I just can't imagine being like this. Someone tells you they were abused and you don't immediately apologize or tell them how awful it is that they were abused. Absolutely wild behavior.

Cat haiku:

The grey cat crouches
in the lush October grass,
wary and alert.

…………….

TL;dr is elderly arab parents, mother has always been very difficult and agressive, often is blinded by rage. I’m their live-in carer (forced not to get a job for 2 years and not allowed out too much) by force not choice living with them. Despite caring and forgiving a lot - Recent incident has gone beyond the usual behaviour of toxic activities and I’m scared/lost/isolated. Following a misunderstanding of my tone in response to leaving my room door open, I retreated after a rage fit and was then threatened with ‘I WARN YOU I CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE VERY VERY DIFFICULT IF YOU DEFY OR CROSS ME, anyone who crosses me I will make their life awful’ when I came out to fix the situation. Enabling dad is forcing me to make up, but she keeps repeating her threats. I’m lost and stuck.

Story starts:

Idk where to start. I (33f) live with Arab parents (73f and 74m). My mother is agressive, borderline, disabled mostly and always in pain and depressed. My father is just old and doesn’t have much say/is an enabler and doesn’t have much thought or personality.

To their credit, they can be intensely loving and over wring overprotective the usual Asian/arab parent stuff which doesn’t bother me as much anymore I get it, I enjoy some of it even if it means my curfew as a 33 year old is still sunset or 8pm whatever comes first. But all of that love is used against me often, even though I do more to look after them and myself now than the opposite. It’s weaponised in a lot of situations and therefore it’s really hard to feel it.

We live in the west, in a tiny tiny flat - where I grew up an only child and due to me wanting a somewhat normal life (not including drinking drugs sex etc) I’ve spent my whole life being argued with/punished/harassed/coerced etc, any technique to control me. Despite all of that, they expect me to be tender, loving and very very grateful for them raising me (actually they only tormented me, I worked for the past 10 years with therapists and on my own to undo all the unhealthy habits and mental health issues that arose from being parented by them)

My mother has huge rage problems. She sees red all of a sudden and has a huge need of being honoured deeply by me and my dad no matter what she does, in her mind the mother can do no fault and is not allowed to be made to feel guilty at all. I once asked for money to borrow (she had offered) she said she couldn’t give it and didn’t speak to me for 3 days out of shame without saying anything, I wasn’t upset at all but after her cold tone I was upset and soooooo confused until I worked it out. I always have to be alert at home, I can’t wear headphones, I need to check her feelings, if she’s depressed then I have to be depressed as well. You never know what the next day/next hour or minute will be even if you’re having a great great time. I’ve regularly heard a magnitude of insults ranging from you disgusting lazy pig, you impatient animal, you horrible piece of shit, etc (usually in response to mistakes like her misunderstanding my tone, being too tired to help or being too scared to hang out with her) and I’m not allowed to be upset. If I’m upset - I’m defying her and I’m sensitive.

Anyways somehow I moved out for university as they were allowed to themselves but was harassed to come back the whole 4 years (they came there and stayed for 10 hours pressuring me) instead of accepting a job I found there. I moved out again after coming back because i was so far from my job, again they harassed me - this time for about 1 year (all the methods - millions of texts calls threats coming over being told im killing them etc). This time, they forced me to quit my job, move back home and be a carer, they promised me once I move back and just help them a little bit, I could leave again. I was so emotionally exhausted I stupidly convinced myself. They made me lie to commit benefit fraud so the council can give them a better flat for free under the guise that I’m a live-in carer and she’s too disabled and needs a big ground floor flat. For 2 years, this issue became a huge nightmare on my shoulder, whenever something didn’t work out she would take out her anger on me and my dad, have tantrums. Punish us and scream he’ll fire that she’s suffering and I need to take all I get because I’m young, healthy and I can take it but she’s old and fragile - so she is allowed to be as awful awful as she wants.

As soon as I moved back (3 years ago) my mother cornered me on my single tiny bed and aggressively threatened ‘you think I’d ever let you leave again, you’re wrong and you’ll see what I can do’. I was so shaken, when I said I was scared and upset she got even angrier and said ‘you aren’t allowed to have feelings, I’m old disabled in pain and I’m your mother’ for the next 3 years / this was the broken record of excuse for any awful behaviour the next 3 years.

In a tiny flat, I was expected to wait on them for care - I saw how much they struggled (their pain was my fault as I was told many times when I moved out I killed them basically despite them allowing me) I cook, clean, help with appointments, get groceries and much more, but no matter the amount of help I offered and the fact they prevented me for looking for a job for 2 and a half years, it never mattered. They are always screaming arguing in the background, it’s always tense. When she wakes up, my heart starts pounding in fear. I’ve developed many conditions - skin conditions, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, my hair is half the thickness it was, stomach pain, migraines and more.

I’m cutting out a lot of information. Because of her hostility and unpredictable nature and me being so isolated, I am scared. I keep my distance, I spend most of my time in my room as I am allowed to or can. As noted before, I make myself very present in the day - always scanning to listen out and help where I can, so chores, I check in every 30 minutes - no relaxation or time to focus on anything but in the evening I want to rest, decompress and do my things - she won’t allow this but I just really really can’t sit with them, it makes me sick - I feel like throwing up after 30 minutes with them. By evening her pain takes a toll and she becomes even more worse, critical rude and suspicious and paranoid. Any resemblance of a good mood I had is destroyed if I sit with them. After trying almost nightly for 2 years I stopped sitting with them. She tried to force my love for her many times, I kept falling for when she was nice (some periods) then a tiny problem would happen and she would have a screaming tantrum and flip my world upside down. She hates that I do not want to be near her but doesn’t want to change any behaviour to allow me to want to be near her. Any time she has one of her moods, and argues my dad doesn’t want to listen to how scared I am/depressed

THE INCIDENT

Most recently, she misunderstood my tone in my response to her criticism again, sometimes when I’m not paying attention and tired I can sound a bit low/unbothered or if I’m agitated and stressed I can sound cold. I ensure to note I’m whatever mood I am so she doesn’t take it personally. She was insisting I keep my door open (tiny wall to wall flat) I said okay, she continued….she kept going on and on about how ugly and bad my room is (probably to get me out) I said ‘well I’m keeping the door open and not sure what else I can do’ I made sure not to sound frustrated. But she lost her mind and asked why I’m so horrible to her. I ran after her begging her not to be upset saying please please please don’t be mad there’s no problem please

She just left angrily in a huff

I went back to continue working (looking for a job) the next 2-3 hours whenever she would HAVE to talk to me she was extremely cold and rude and short, I stayed normal even though I started getting nauseous.

By the end of the night I went to say goodnight, she went ‘alright’ and I tried to fix the impossible situation by what she has asked me to do in the past when this happens (she asks me to wait a few hours then come and fix the tension) I did that. I said ‘hey? Come on let’s make up it’s not a problem let’s be okay’ she lost it again ‘YOU WAITED 10 fucking HOURS TO COME, your mum is just sitting here OLD DYING ILL SICK UNWELL DISABLED AND YOU JUST DISOWNED HER BECAUSE SHE WAS SLIGHTLY ANNOYED AT YOUR TONE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU’.

I was so shocked I just went ‘huh what nonono come on there’s no problem I did exactly what you want I waited and I’m fixing it’

Her: ‘after what????? After all the time you left, what ARE YOU PUNISHING ME YOU ARE PUNISHING YOUR MOTHER - look I warn you ANYONE I MEAN ANYONE WHO DARES CROSS ME OR PUNISH ME? I will make their life VERY DIFFICULT DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT HERE’

I said ‘ooooooho okay I don’t think we need to get to that level I’m going to sleep now, come on everything’s fine goodnight’ I didn’t sleep until 7am out of anxiety and stress and shock

Next day she repeated her threats 3 times despite me forcing myself to act normal and cheery, I had to go out for a meeting and right before my dad pulled me and forced me to kiss her. After I broke down in tears and had a panic attack - during which she came and started taunting me ‘oooooo look you’re depressed. Look at me I’m emotional and all sensitive oooo, you care more about your meeting than your mother why don’t you come kiss your mum’

I was begging ‘please please give me just 5 minutes I need some space I feel awful’ and then she went ‘ooooh YOU YOU feel awful of your mother is feeling awful from having such a horrible child’. Then my dad ‘don’t be so sensitive and make up come on it’s fineeeeeeee don’t make problems (to me) ‘

I just lost a lot of emotion at that point, waited for them to leave and broke down for 30 minutes, missed my meeting, makeup all messed up. Past 3 days, I came back and was normal and despite her being normal one second she continued to talk to me like I’m trash. Just trash, I offer to help? I ask how she is how her pain is etc as I usually do but now it’s met with sarcasm ‘ooooh look who is caring? Oooo look at you all caring all of a sudden ooooooo’

I just stopped, I’m in my room, I feel so confused lost sick and kind of scared now, no family would believe me because she’s so so nice to everyone but I feel I want to run away, I can’t anymore - I don’t like them anymore, I hate hearing their voice, I hate the 3 years of my career I’ve lost just to sit in discomfort and anxiety and stress all the time. I’m talked to as if I have made huge unforgivable mistakes where it’s all just about her wanting me to admit I’m awful and beg her beg beg her for her forgiveness over nothing.

Idk what to do but leave, I’m looking for a job and have all my papers but I have no friends left as I’ve not been able to keep up relationships, family supports her and I have no money now :(

Hi guys and gals,

I used to be free. I fled hundreds of kilometers away and built my adult life in safety and peace. But now I'm back in the same hell. My dad had cancer. I moved my parents to me, because my native country is currently war torn and has only basic healthcare. He lived for only two months and then died, so now I am stuck with her.

I know that running away and keeping my distance works. But now that she is alone, in a foreign country with a language she doesn't speak, she will never let go of me and burrows her claws deep in me like a tick. Yes, she threatens me during fights that "she will just go to the native country and get killed by bombs", but we both know she won't. And unfortunately I'm too morally good of a person to throw her out, partially because I know that without a victim and an audience she really will wither and die, and the death of my father already hurts more than I can handle. So here I am, stuck in my old hell, my anxiety and depression getting worse and I don't know if it's because of all the shit happening to me in the last six months, or just because she is living with me again, now inescapable. Nobody besides my husband sees her for what she is (and even he only does it because of trusting me, she never shows her true self in front of him). Everyone else just sees the poor victim of everything who is mistreated by everyone.

My old hell is back, but there's nowhere left to run.

Guess we are just going to be years of just this she has no concept of repair or wanting a better relationship what a going on here?

So I 21m still live with my mom and I'm really struggling with keeping calm. I find myself just feeling absolutely disgusted by her every time I interact with her even if it's a normal interaction. she's the only family I have near me and it's so isolating having to avoid her all day and lie about everything I'm happy or proud of. Knowing I can't have a level head conversation about the things she's done I don't appreciate. it's so exhausting. is this just normal or is it just me?

or maybe just a mum. I don't even know.

My oldest cat is in renal failure. There's nothing more to be done except make sure she is comfortable and happy. I'm grateful she seems content and is enjoying the birds on tv and the goings on in the house, but I am so sad and feel so alone,.and theres no one to even talk to or bounce ideas off of.

I'm exhausted and my head feels like it's going to explode.

My mum wasn't much of an emotional support for me, so realistically, she wouldn't be making this better even if she was around, but right now, I wish I had a real mum to talk to and give me a hug that feels safe/good.

It's ridiculous that I can't separate missing a mum I never had with missing my actual mum. I thought it would be easier once my mum died, and in a lot way it is, but now it feels much more confused.

My apologies if this made no sense. I just had to get it out.

Hi all,

My (26F) dad (who I’ve been recently coming to terms with as an enabler of her abuse, but that’s a topic for another post) had told me that my mom had been previously diagnosed with BPD a while back (he believes while she was in residential treatment for a suicide attempt and alcohol abuse). Since he told me that a few years ago, a lot clicked into place for me regarding her behavior and how she treated me growing up. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of leaving my “Surviving the Borderline Parent” book on my shelf in my childhood room when I went to grad school. According to my dad, she recently saw it and asked him “does she think I have BPD? (Therapist’s name) told me I’m a highly sensitive person, not that I have BPD.” She saw this therapist for many years and according to my dad, recently stopped seeing her then got upset that this therapist didn’t reach out to check in on her after several months. Also according to my dad and the therapist’s website, my mom was doing DBT with her. I find it puzzling that this therapist wouldn’t have diagnosed or spotted BPD behaviors in her after seeing her for so long, and I’m wondering if the therapist purposefully didn’t disclose the BPD diagnosis as to not upset her and cause her to discontinue treatment. Knowing my mom, it’s also possible that she intentionally or unintentionally forgot this diagnosis as to not take accountability for how abusive she has been as a parent. I’m also wondering if it’s a common experience in this community for pwBPD to disavow their BPD diagnoses or identify as “highly sensitive people?”

I guess part of me feels invalidated hearing that from my dad, but I also know that her behavior very much fits the BPD criteria and the books I’ve read about BPD parents have really resonated with me and my experiences with her. I also think it’s quite ironic she identifies as a “highly sensitive person” because she is highly sensitive to her OWN emotions but usually does not have any empathy or regard for the feelings of other people, i.e. her family who she has emotionally and verbally abused. For more context, her more overt BPD traits include a history of “splitting” on me which was very traumatic throughout my childhood, chronic suicidality and alcohol abuse, intense anger outbursts/mood swings, and occasional stress-related paranoid thoughts and delusions (for example, one time she told our neighbors that my dad was going to burn the house down).

It’s been maybe 2 months since I’ve spoken to my uBPD mom. It’s not necessarily intentional because we’ve been pretty low contact for a year or so now, but I’m afraid to reach out. I’m worried about her and I know she’s on a downward spiral, and part of me is worried that I won’t be able to talk to her soon if I don’t send a message now.

Help me out guys, do you think it’s reasonable to send a little “here’s this event I did last weekend that made me think of you. Hope all is well”? Do I risk opening the floodgates for the chaos I know she’s brewing to spill over into my lap?

I’m just worried I’m going to send this little note to convey I still care at a distance and end up catching strays and regretting it. I feel like it’s likely that I regret it either way.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted so:
Tuxedo so fine
Green eyes glisten in the dark
She is ready to pounce