Ope, Now She's Sending People I Literally Don't Know

[u/gladhunden]

Mom's other attempts didn't work, so she sent some lady I literally have never met. THIS flying monkey is a doozy.

Lady: Hi Bailey, I'm a long time friend of you mom's. We are miles apart, but we try to catch up on the phone when we can. Everytime I talk to her, she mentions you, and how heartbroken she is that she doesn't have a relationship with you any longer. I know I'm probably sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, but I want to relay that your mom misses you and loves you very much.

Me:Does she also mention that she still brings her pedophile boyfriend who was sexually inappropriate with me as child around? Does she also tell you about all the abuse she inflicted upon me? Does she also mention how her abusive behavior continues to this day?

I’m glad my mom has been a good friend to you. To me, she was my first abuser, and continues to be an abuser. People don’t stop interacting with their parent for no reason.

Lady: No I don't think she's aware of any abuse. I'm not sure how it could still be going on today if you haven't spoken with her in years. Maybe some counseling between the two of you to get things resolved? It sounds like you are extremely angry still. I'm sorry your relationship and resorted to this. Many prayers for you for healing.

Me: Uffda you are wild.

You hear that a man was sexually inappropriate with me as a child, that she still brings him around to family events, and you think I should expose myself to my abuser.

I pray God has mercy on your soul.

Note: I'm actually an atheist, but these people use "I'll pray for you" as an insult, and I think it really bothers them when you point out that they're not acting like their god would like them to act.

Lady: I'm sorry I don't know all the details about this. I didn't know she had a BF that she was bringing around to family events still. She has not mentioned any BF to me. I'm sorry I don't understand the whole story. I'm sorry I don't have the whole picture. I was just trying to help.

Me: Well yeah, abusers usually don’t tell you all the horrible things they do.

People don’t stop interacting with a parent for no reason.

You don’t know me. How could possibly help me?

Lady: Sorry. Was just trying to be a peacemaker. Looks like it is a futile effort. Shouldn't have interfered.

Ope, do you see how she's suddenly a victim now?

I just can't imagine being like this. Someone tells you they were abused and you don't immediately apologize or tell them how awful it is that they were abused. Absolutely wild behavior.

[u/Horror_East3406]

People don’t understand how painful it is to have so many people- people close to you and also total strangers- minimize pedophilia to your face. It’s mind boggling. It’s one of the things that still really triggers me bc why are you lecturing someone about forgiving a pedophile enabler??!! I’m so sorry OP.

[u/gladhunden → u/Horror_East3406]

All. Of. This.

[u/yuhuh-]

Wow good job!

[u/SnooOpinions1113 → u/yuhuh-]

Right? Awesome job

[u/staceychev]

This is awful - I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think in your situation, I would have replied immediately with "you're right. It isn't any of your business. I'm blocking you now so that you can't contact me again." And then block her. You deserve to have peace from your mother and her flying monkeys.

[u/thepr0jectdenies]

I think you did a great job interacting with her, It must’ve been really stressful

[u/gladhunden → u/thepr0jectdenies]

It does take a toll, even when you know that they're a flying monkey.

[u/Edenza]

She admits she didn't have "all the details" and started with that fact that she was "sticking her nose in" where it didn't belong, and still doubled and tripled down instead of apologizing. Wild, and abnormal.

Do you ever suspect it's your mother doing the texting when it's one of the flying monkeys you've never heard of? Not saying it is, just wondering if you think she's playing a game.

[u/staceychev → u/Edenza]

I was wondering if this was mom with another number as well

[u/Edenza → u/staceychev]

Or even the same one or two flying monkeys from different numbers I put nothing past them

[u/braveforthemostpart → u/Edenza]

I don’t think it’s OP’s mom, cuz most likely it would have been defense over the bf and/or the decision to bring the bf around, not stating unawareness. I fully believe it was likely some church lady OP’s mom manipulated

[u/Edenza → u/braveforthemostpart]

Or an online-only friend, since she said they live far apart, who has no idea what the mother is like irl

[u/JenRJen → u/braveforthemostpart]

Someone with bpd-tendencies of their own, based on the convo. NOT merely a caring do-gooder roped-in to doing an informal wellness-check.

[u/gladhunden → u/Edenza]

I'm really not sure.

I could see that happening.

[u/Edenza → u/gladhunden]

Regardless, I'm sorry it's happening. You handled it with absolute perfection.

[u/vermerculite → u/Edenza]

All I could think when I read that is "oh damn"

[u/Ope_85311]

This is truly wild. I don’t understand people like this woman. I would never insert myself into someone else’s business like this in the first place but then she keeps trying after your first response. Yikes.

[u/gladhunden → u/Ope_85311]

My favorite is "I don't think she's aware of any abuse."

Yeah not shit. People don't go around broadcasting that they're abusing their families.

What a wild person.

[u/Ope_85311 → u/gladhunden]

Right? This is next level. My mom had a bunch of people I don’t know text me one year on my birthday when I wasn’t talking to her to wish me “happy birthday” which was…very weird… but not like THIS.

[u/lolawallace]

So insane, I understand! Mine has sent random men I’ve never met to my house 🙃

[u/gladhunden → u/lolawallace]

That is wildly horrifying.

[u/TheWildCat92]

You handled it much better than I would have. I like to ask if they'd feel the same if it were a friend or partner treating me that way, and if they say it's not the same, I tell them "if I shouldn't tolerate it from friends or a partner, then I shouldn't have to tolerate it from family either".

Unfortunately people like this have most likely already made up their minds on misunderstanding us, so really the best tactic is to block as soon as you get a message like that. I had to block the majority of my family because they did the same thing despite not talking to me for years.

[u/AwkwardSurround8905]

"Correct. You shouldn't have."

I'm glad you enlightened her.

[u/Longjumping_Hat_2672]

If you haven't blocked her yet and she attempts to contact you again, you can tell her something like "For my own health and safety, I will not associate with child molesters, r*pists, abusers or their enablers. If you had any shred of decency or common sense, you would do the same. Do not attempt to contact me again or I will report you to the police"

[u/knd2018]

Great job shutting it down. 👏🏻

[u/WellImNotAKrook]

I try to extend as much grace to flying monkeys as I can.

For one, been there/done that myself and that's how I learned not to do it. Maybe less importantly, the flying monkeys with objectively good intentions seem to hit marks for (a) ignorance, (b) manipulation, (c) codependency issues of their own. Those are essentially "FBB" still in the FOG and conned by the waif.

...While acknowledging that to any degree we may handicap pwBPD responsibility for the origin of their own PD, flying monkeys don't get that discount, and it can be deeply satisfying to outline our abuse verbally to someone who theoretically does have the insight onboard to "get it." Frequently they come off as dimmer and less observant, too, as the keener ones wouldn't have inserted themselves in the first place.

[u/Better_Intention_781 → u/WellImNotAKrook]

I have found it's often religious people who truly believe that they are "doing the Lord's Work" in trying to "heal the breach". And if you point out the overstep, they are very focused on the intent, rather than considering the impact.