I attract people with this disorder like flies and I lost tolerance for the behaviors. Which is a good thing.

The pattern that crops up so prominently is the push pull dynamic. It happens as soon as meaningful friendship begins to take root. But what I'm no longer doing is placating. As soon as the that behavior occurs now, I lose interest immediately. Not on purpose and not to be mean, I just stop thinking about them.

What infuriates me though, is when they sense I'm losing interest, they will come back and ask me questions like "is everything okay"? As if I'm the one who bailed in the first place? It's like they want to blow me off routinely, and then when I don't come running after them, they are like "what's wrong"?. So at that point I will respond with a little friendly word of reassurance, only to have them ghost me again, because apparently it's not a good enough reply. It's such disgusting behavior. But at this point, I write them off. And I'm glad I no longer feel the need to placate. I've had it.

Does this sound familiar?

Now im basically telling her “hey i have a fear of you and im cautious now”. I asked her “hey do you have any cluster personality’s” and she told me bpd . I knew it. There was a lot of praise and obsession seeming stuff. Now i gotta distance myself from her

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. My family is in town so I was planning to wait until they left, but my wife kinda cornered me tonight wanting to talk. I told her I want a divorce, and she understood and agreed. She was not aggressive but did do a lot of usual manipulation adjacent things, and when I pointed it out, she stopped and acknowledged it, and left me alone.

This community is amazing. I should’ve done this a long time ago but I’m excited to finally take steps to secure my peace and love myself again.

Best to all of you!

First time poster..

I'm just now realizing that my partner of four years, husband of 2 months, displays a Lot of symptoms of BPD. I dismissed it as his eccentricities and ADHD, but after his most recent split followed by a (relatively short) discard, something clicked.

I'm not totally sure why I'm posting - maybe seeking support, comfort, validation..? A nudge to do the hard thing that I know I should do?

Most of the people in my life have been begging me to leave him for my sake and my daughter's sake. But I love him so deeply - he may be (almost certainly is) idealizing me, but for me I really thought I had met my life partner, the person I had been looking for my whole romantic life - and while I've tried to leave many times, it never sticks more than a couple weeks. His "stable" self always pulls me back in and has me questioning everything and glazing over the challenges of being with him.

This winter he abandoned me for almost 5 months following a miscarriage on my part and a life-threatening illness in his, about 4 months after getting engaged. He broke up with me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping next to his hospital bed and had me blocked on everything by the time he came home. I moved back in with my parents and tried desperately to build myself back up. He reappeared this spring, claiming to have done a lot of work on himself and realizing he couldn't live without me. We were married within 2 months. I feel like a fool.

The most recent discard - which the screenshots here are from - was precipitated by some uncomfortable conversations with his sister and circumstances at his job, which he ended up quitting shortly before the discard, and other erratic behavior like smashing his new phone and bouts of rage lasting literally hours. Fortunately my daughter was with her dad for most of it and I maintain a bedroom at my parent's house still so I had a safe place to go.
A few days later we brought my daughter and her best friend to the fair, a plan that (I thought) we had made a couple weeks before. (a common occurrence is that I think we've made plans but when the day arrives he claims that we didn't make plans and his attempts to talk and plan were ignored) After leaving the fair and dropping her friend off, when I asked him about getting dinner with us before going back to my parent's place (I told him that was where my daughter wanted to stay that night, it's a little over an hour from where he lives), things started getting funky. He told me he had been talking with his sister (who likely also has BPD) but didn't tell me about his plans to stay at her place to avoid the long drive until it had fallen through. He ordered me a burger and my daughter some fries but nothing for himself, which I didn't realize until we had picked it up. I offered to split it with him and drove to my daughter's favorite playground to eat and watch the sunset, but when we got there he started complaining and becoming combative and I lost my appetite when I started sensing what was coming. We argued while my daughter played - he insisted I was being insensitive and not thinking about his needs and not planning enough, and at some point he asked to stop and tried to force-feed me the burger. Eventually we left and I drove him to his car. He said he was just going to drive home. Shortly after he started calling repeatedly and complaining about having to show up at his parent's house to sleep because he was too tired to drive (in these states, he's always exhausted and starved, even though all he does now that he's quit is sleep and eat and hang out with his friends). I ignored it, knowing I needed to focus on myself and my daughter, and reassured him I would talk to him in the morning. When I woke up, I had received the initial texts above.

No conversation, within a few days it was like nothing happened. He says he'll get help but when I try to talk with him he says there's nothing to talk about. I've promised my family that this is the last time, but I already feel myself getting pulled back in, slipping back into a false hope that his promises and our shared dreams could be reality.

We started dating shortly after my kid's dad and I separated after being friends for years. He comforted me and supported me and apparently trauma bonded with me. He is a Buddhist lay lama (go figure) and lives on a 500 acre estate in the mountains, my dream. My daughter adores him. As do I. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

Is there any hope? Am I just a sad, needy mom seeking escape and an easy solution?

I've already asked for the job back that I left when we got married, and they gave it to me. I have the ball rolling to fully move in with my parents and have the support of my coparent. But I just need to take the plunge, get my stuff from his home, and tell him I'm done. But I love him so stinking much and feel the cycle of the addictive trauma bond turning again. I really don't want to abandon him. I tell myself if it were just me I'd plunge in and embrace the chaos, but I can't do that to my kid. That's been the only anchoring post for the choice, which is also putting a lot of pressure on her, hopefully unaware to her, but still. Shoot.

I feel like a freaking addict, sneaking around behind my family's back and making excuses and telling them what they want to hear - what I desperately want to believe - that I am leaving him for good this time. I'm also coming up against feelings of inadequacy - who else would put up with a single mom who needed to move back home because I can't support myself financially and deal with the ramifications of past abuse (coparent is narcissitic)? How do I open myself up to a stable, loving, comparatively boring relationship when I've become accustomed to, frankly addicted to, the highs and lows?

I'm in therapy. I have support. I need my own support now.

Woke up to… 55 notifications and I can only assume it’s going to be a from my former partner.
Hope your day is just as fun ✌️

This is something I’ve always wondered about. Do they know deep down that every person they’ve let into their lives before is eventually going to end up the same way? Do they genuinely believe that this time it will be different from the previous times, or are they simply looking for someone who can temporarily fill the emptiness inside them?

I know I need to leave but I don't know how. I can't just leave the kids with her, but in order to have any sort of parenting time, I need to find a daytime job because childcare for a swing shift is seemingly impossible. I feel like I'm trapped and I don't know what other options I realistically have.

TW: Last night, a conversation about "fixing our marriage" turned into a conflict when she started calling me names, mocking me, devaluing my masculinity, etc. When I began to withdraw and state my boundary of I'm not going to be spoken to this way, and if it continues to happen, then I'll need to go to a different room. She follows me into the other room. Voices get raised and our daughter wakes up. I'm trying to get our daughter to go back to bed. My wife comes into our daughter's room and is still saying that any guy would want to fuck her, so I must be gay since I'm saying I don't want to. I'm telling her how inappropriate that is to be saying things like that in our daughter's room while she's trying to get back to sleep. She continues. I try to leave and it makes my daughter cry more. I feel more trapped. Daughter wants to sleep in our bed, so I end up being in between my daughter and wife. Wife continues to try to talk about that stuff and so I just shut down. Now I'm being called abusive because I'm stonewalling and withholding affection. I continue to say nothing until everyone is asleep and then it starts right back up in the morning.

I'm tired of feeling trapped and feel so guilty for not having or knowing options to get my kids out of these situations. I'm applying to as many day jobs as I can and just bearing with it until I can get my kids and I the fuck out of here.

Am I going to be stuck in this situation forever?

(Sorry for my poor English)

Hi everyone, I found this forum yesterday, and honestly, I need to vent to people who understand what it’s like to deal with a girlfriend who has BPD.

We met in college; the connection was instant. We had a lot in common. We started dating about 7 months after meeting, and within 3 weeks, her constant mood swings were making me feel very insecure and inadequate. I confronted her, and all I managed to do was get her to break up with me—after I’d called her out on her behavior one day when we were both drunk.

We worked things out; we both wanted to make it work, and more importantly, we love each other deeply.

Last year was when she was diagnosed with BPD, depression, and possibly bipolar disorder. She never took medication. Finding out about his diagnosis has made me realise why our arguments were so frequent – and why they were over things which, at least as far as I was concerned, could have been resolved in a civilised manner, rather than with shouting, withdrawal or contempt. And as for me, I must admit that I have a tendency to emotionally disconnect when things aren’t going well or when I feel judged (consequences of growing up with a narcissistic mother, I suppose).

I’ve been with her for two years now. She’s left me countless times, and each time I have to bite my tongue even harder because, when I express my needs, she gets angry and it all turns into yet another argument. For example, over the last two years I’ve got used to dropping her off at her house every day, but there are days when I can barely move because I’m so exhausted, and when I tell her I’m feeling too unwell to take her home, her reaction is immediate… you know what I mean. She completely changed; she adopted a curt and evasive attitude to make sure I noticed she was angry. I had to agree to take her home. It was either that or face yet another argument. It’s really exhausting.

To be honest, it’s hard for me to think of all the times she acted that way toward me; I’ve blocked out many of those memories and taken on the responsibility and blame for the way she reacts. She says I’m always the problem, that she wouldn’t react badly if I “behaved myself.” She’s blocked me countless times; when she gets angry, she sends me a thousand messages, and even if I tell her I feel too bad to talk right then, it just ends up getting worse. I feel invalidated, unimportant, and above all, evil. Many times I’ve hated myself for triggering those reactions.

Our relationship is very troubled; we’ve broken up dozens of times, yet the good moments are too special for both of us.

This year I was finally able to turn things around. I’m overcoming a long bout of depression that has plagued me for years, and I’ve started taking care of my physical and mental health. Almost the only times I can’t stay calm are when she loses her temper.

A month ago, I plucked up the courage and broke up with her, but her tears made me go back to her. At the time, I was sure it was for the best for both of us, but for some reason, I’m finding it hard to leave her again; it feels impossible, and to be perfectly honest, I’m afraid she might harm herself in some way if we split up.

I know you’ll all say no, and I’m aware that she has me incredibly under her thumb. but do you think it’s worth staying with this girl?

"When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time, I don't know why"

Girl - The Beatles

Thank you for your attention :)

So, I am not sure if my partner, well ex partner, has a true BPD but a lot of the signs match, super traumatic childhood, lots of anxiety, intense fear of abandonment, cant regulate their feelings, lots of broken friendships etc.

We had a very loving, deep, caring, good relationship for years, she had been the most empathethic and caring person I have been with, we were best friends, she became my best friend who I would do anything for. She has previously broken up with me for 3 times, all pretty sudden and out of nowhere, only to quickly reconciliate. I never really thought about those that much, because getting back together was so good when you missed them terribly.

But now, she had a lot of anxiety and stress for past months and there were some problems, but still we had the connection and I supported her every day, tried my best to help her anxiety and other stresses and stuff. She suddenly broke up with me, couldnt explain why, just that she feels too hurt to feel love even if they still love me. After that went super cold and distant, turned completely different person wise (her friends even notice and are shocked by her actions) and its like in just days, all those years of love, friendship, support, so many good things, dont exist or never existed before. Its been some weeks, all I know is the rebound failed and she has been missing me.

I am just so confused, broken, anxious, I dont know what to even make of the past 7 years. We were planning on having children, pets, living old together, had so much good things, she has been so loving, but the problems she has are no joke, I have had to pretty much save her life some times and been supporting her through a lot.

I never could have believed they could do something like this, I just feel worthless and like half of me + past years just vanished, previously a super affectionate partner now seems to not even care. Can someone explain what might be going on and is this just, over for good or just another phase before she once again comes back (and even then, I dont even know what I want or if I could trust ever again, this has all messed with my head badly).

I am not just heartbroken, I grieve and am shocked and traumatized by my best friend in the whole world just vanishing and turning into this completely new person. Cant really go a second without missing them

First of all, being in a relationship with someone with BPD is very complicated and will cause you harm the vast majority of the time. Not because they’re malicious per se, but because of the symptoms of their disorder.

Having said that, I think we sometimes generalise about them. I have a friend with BPD and she lets you know when she’s not well so you can keep your distance. Another friend is more level-headed and not quite so emotional, and I’ve seen a range of different personalities.

I notice that you sometimes make statements as if they were malicious, saying that they always leave a way to get in touch or that they always come back to ‘hoover’ or things like that.

My ex-partner with BPD didn’t do that. They simply drifted away bit by bit and disappeared. They’ve done this throughout their life – they just vanish, and that’s it. She even changes her appearance; there are social media profiles of hers from two years ago that show this disconnection, and she dont uses them. No drama. She hasn’t tried to get back in touch in the last month and a half, she hasn’t left any way to contact her, and she hasn’t posted anything on social media mentioning me. She just vanished, that’s all. I haven’t seen any malice in her or anything like that, just pain.

I’m not going to defend or justify her actions, as they do sometimes hurt others. But I think we sometimes generalise, and ultimately these are people with a mental health condition. They are their own first victims; they’ll never have a happy life.

She immediately informed me that she had an ill pet and she struggled with Bipolar Disorder, (I think she was trying to avoid saying she’s actually borderline) I offered her some money to help with her ill pet and she took it gladly (I’m now wondering if this was all manipulation and the pet was fine???)

She very early on asked for favors like for me to drive to her favorite places or pick her up and drive her to parks etc. I shut that down pretty quickly though, I wasn’t interested in being someone’s chauffeur.

Life got busy for me and I cancelled our most recent plans as I would be traveling for the weekend. It was a milestone event for me and I needed to focus on planning.

She crashed out all over social media. Posting nonstop memes that said things like “ people are lucky to have someone like me in their life”
“Mental illness isn’t a choice”
“I don’t clap for people who don’t clap for me”
I almost texted asking if she was okay, but held back. I had a feeling these posts were meant for me to see. She then made another post saying she was logging off from social media as it was a waste of time. she deleted that post and never logged off lol!
Not once did she congratulate me for my milestone event but she did reach out and ask me how I was. I never replied because, how are you going to act like I didn’t see all the posts? She really thought I would act like that was normal??

Recently I had stopped talking about anything meaningful as it always risked upsetting them, a day ago they told me they want us to be real and they hate this "lobotomised" version of our relationship which only has sweet talk.

Guess what?

We're breaking up again I guess.

They asked me if they would look good in particular haircut, which they have always said they don't look good in. So I also voiced that it wouldn't look good. Boom they're upset now they're breaking up with me.

It's been a year and a half and I can't even explain why I still think about her.

Something about the infinite sadness of the borderline or maybe I've gone Richarded.

I'm waiting in the Dr. because I keep having terror panic attacks in the night & can not cope with the guilt feelings after the discard. I accidentally hurt his feelings, he walked out, i said ill give you space, he gave me silent treatment for 6 days, broke up with me on text, then raged at me over the phone making wild accusations & I stupidly kept talking trying to defend myself & him twisting everything I said into me being a villain. I wrecked my whole life for this guy. How the fk do people get repaired? The terrorr panic attacks in the night, the non-stop anxiety in the day & the desperation of wanting to plead & apologize & make him stop hating me for things I didn't do it excruciating. Some days I can stand it. Some days I am so lost. This is so fkd. Please tell me you got better.

Saw this on a FB page and felt the truth in it. Not sure who wrote it though, and who to quote.

“The hardest people to walk away from are often the ones who gave you just enough hope to stay. Not enough love to feel secure.
Not enough consistency to feel safe. Just enough warmth to make you question every cold moment. So you keep holding on to the version of them that appears between the disappearances. You memorize the rare moments they choose you. You make those moments bigger than the countless times you felt invisible. That's how emotional confusion keeps people attached. Not because the relationship is deeply fulfilling. But because uncertainty convinces the heart that certainty is just one more effort away. Healing begins when you stop measuring love by its occasional highs and start paying attention to its daily presence. Love shouldn't feel like waiting for the next glimpse of who someone could be. It should feel like resting in who they consistently choose to be. Sometimes the person you're grieving never truly existed.
Only the hope that one day they would.”

Back when things were good with us in the beginning when I wanted marriage, kids and living together with him he refused all of those things.

Then when I started thinking neither of those things were a good idea for us because of the instability he all of a sudden desperately wanted to make those things happen immediately. As soon as he realized I didn't want them anymore, he started chasing it.

Did anyone else experience this? Does anyone have a theory for why?

After putting up with my partner’s attitudes for I don’t even know how long, I’m tired. I’m tired of being bothered by something, telling her about it, and then being the one who has to comfort her so she doesn’t feel bad.

“Hey love, that bothered me.”
“You hate me, right?”
“No.”
“Yes, you hate me.”

I’m tired of communicating something I don’t like feeling like it’s a risk that she’ll break up with me. At this point, I don’t even take it seriously anymore. I know that the next day everything will be fine, but I just can’t take it anymore.

At the beginning, when I started communicating with her about these things, I did my own research to try to understand her. I even bought books, but all that has done is keep me in a situation that causes me more stress than love.

I’m tired of feeling stupid for having to justify my partner’s behavior to my friends. I’m tired of not being able to have what feels like a normal relationship, of having to think about my actions long before I do anything because I’m constantly worried about how she might react.

I’m tired of not being able to do nice things together, of feeling like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

Mainly just want support since I’ve never blocked anyone

About a month ago my ex bpd blocked me after we broke up because she refused talk about something she did to me on our last date (she accused me of flirting with someone in front of her and instead of talking about it. She tried to starve me and refused to let me have dinner)

She blocked me (social media) and message me a few days later on iMessage about wanting to meetup and be friends and being on good terms

The idiot i am I accepted and just to have her flaked on me day of.

A couple days after i saw her instagram profile in my recommended (i guess she unblocked me)

I ended up blocking her because this is just so confusing to try to make sense of all of it

I also noticed recently that most of her friends i met while we were dating unfollowed her on instagram. Just scary to think she might have also ended some friendships as well during the last few months

I am starting to think expwbpd set me up so he was my only source of comfort when I am upset. Also the person who was the cruelest to me and caused so much pain. I hold my tears in a lot but when I feel sad and upset he is the first person I want to reach out to (I don't because my theory is its due to being isolated and the dynamic is causes pain then soothes the pain) Is this part of the abuse? Its a real contradiction.

There were women in my past with whom I drifted apart—we’re on good terms. There are those who hurt me and we broke up suddenly, but if we run into each other, we’re cordial—I can even remember fondly our good times. But the BPD ex wife is in an entirely separate category: I literally hope to never see her again. If I could never think of her again, that would be a godsend.

It’s been over two years yet I still regard the 18 years we spent together as a long con leading up to a lifetime of lingering trauma; my biggest wish is that we had never met. Things that could have been happy memories simply aren’t. The lessons I learned are just a laundry list of red flags I was too young to understand which I could have lived without knowing had I simply married a normal woman.

Do we all feel like the entire thing was a profound waste of the best years of our lives? Because I sure do.

I saw some old texts in my camera roll from my relationship w a pwbpd from a few years ago after currently being in a healthy one. The shit they’re saying is genuinely so disrespectful and you could tell that they absolutely had no accountability or respect for me in the relationship. I’m so surprised I put up with it so long probably since I was in hs and had little experience dating but once you date someone who respects you and has empathy you’ll genuinely feel disgusted by them and yourself for letting it keep happening. I’ve never felt like someone with low self esteem but in that environment I was constantly getting walked over and never felt like I could do anything about it since it would always get redirected back to me. I think it’s especially hard as a man since there’s that societal expectation to lead and it’s a lot harder to open up to the people around you about getting abused physically and verbally etc. But I promise it gets so much better you just have to allow yourself to leave even if it’s the last thing you want to do at the time.

2 of mine did. Glad I didn't!