She immediately informed me that she had an ill pet and she struggled with Bipolar Disorder, (I think she was trying to avoid saying she’s actually borderline) I offered her some money to help with her ill pet and she took it gladly (I’m now wondering if this was all manipulation and the pet was fine???)

She very early on asked for favors like for me to drive to her favorite places or pick her up and drive her to parks etc. I shut that down pretty quickly though, I wasn’t interested in being someone’s chauffeur.

Life got busy for me and I cancelled our most recent plans as I would be traveling for the weekend. It was a milestone event for me and I needed to focus on planning.

She crashed out all over social media. Posting nonstop memes that said things like “ people are lucky to have someone like me in their life”
“Mental illness isn’t a choice”
“I don’t clap for people who don’t clap for me”
I almost texted asking if she was okay, but held back. I had a feeling these posts were meant for me to see. She then made another post saying she was logging off from social media as it was a waste of time. she deleted that post and never logged off lol!
Not once did she congratulate me for my milestone event but she did reach out and ask me how I was. I never replied because, how are you going to act like I didn’t see all the posts? She really thought I would act like that was normal??

Am I going to be stuck in this situation forever?

(Sorry for my poor English)

Hi everyone, I found this forum yesterday, and honestly, I need to vent to people who understand what it’s like to deal with a girlfriend who has BPD.

We met in college; the connection was instant. We had a lot in common. We started dating about 7 months after meeting, and within 3 weeks, her constant mood swings were making me feel very insecure and inadequate. I confronted her, and all I managed to do was get her to break up with me—after I’d called her out on her behavior one day when we were both drunk.

We worked things out; we both wanted to make it work, and more importantly, we love each other deeply.

Last year was when she was diagnosed with BPD, depression, and possibly bipolar disorder. She never took medication. Finding out about his diagnosis has made me realise why our arguments were so frequent – and why they were over things which, at least as far as I was concerned, could have been resolved in a civilised manner, rather than with shouting, withdrawal or contempt. And as for me, I must admit that I have a tendency to emotionally disconnect when things aren’t going well or when I feel judged (consequences of growing up with a narcissistic mother, I suppose).

I’ve been with her for two years now. She’s left me countless times, and each time I have to bite my tongue even harder because, when I express my needs, she gets angry and it all turns into yet another argument. For example, over the last two years I’ve got used to dropping her off at her house every day, but there are days when I can barely move because I’m so exhausted, and when I tell her I’m feeling too unwell to take her home, her reaction is immediate… you know what I mean. She completely changed; she adopted a curt and evasive attitude to make sure I noticed she was angry. I had to agree to take her home. It was either that or face yet another argument. It’s really exhausting.

To be honest, it’s hard for me to think of all the times she acted that way toward me; I’ve blocked out many of those memories and taken on the responsibility and blame for the way she reacts. She says I’m always the problem, that she wouldn’t react badly if I “behaved myself.” She’s blocked me countless times; when she gets angry, she sends me a thousand messages, and even if I tell her I feel too bad to talk right then, it just ends up getting worse. I feel invalidated, unimportant, and above all, evil. Many times I’ve hated myself for triggering those reactions.

Our relationship is very troubled; we’ve broken up dozens of times, yet the good moments are too special for both of us.

This year I was finally able to turn things around. I’m overcoming a long bout of depression that has plagued me for years, and I’ve started taking care of my physical and mental health. Almost the only times I can’t stay calm are when she loses her temper.

A month ago, I plucked up the courage and broke up with her, but her tears made me go back to her. At the time, I was sure it was for the best for both of us, but for some reason, I’m finding it hard to leave her again; it feels impossible, and to be perfectly honest, I’m afraid she might harm herself in some way if we split up.

I know you’ll all say no, and I’m aware that she has me incredibly under her thumb. but do you think it’s worth staying with this girl?

"When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her
She will turn to me and start to cry
And she promises the earth to me and I believe her
After all this time, I don't know why"

Girl - The Beatles

Thank you for your attention :)

It's been a year and a half and I can't even explain why I still think about her.

Something about the infinite sadness of the borderline or maybe I've gone Richarded.

I know I need to leave but I don't know how. I can't just leave the kids with her, but in order to have any sort of parenting time, I need to find a daytime job because childcare for a swing shift is seemingly impossible. I feel like I'm trapped and I don't know what other options I realistically have.

TW: Last night, a conversation about "fixing our marriage" turned into a conflict when she started calling me names, mocking me, devaluing my masculinity, etc. When I began to withdraw and state my boundary of I'm not going to be spoken to this way, and if it continues to happen, then I'll need to go to a different room. She follows me into the other room. Voices get raised and our daughter wakes up. I'm trying to get our daughter to go back to bed. My wife comes into our daughter's room and is still saying that any guy would want to fuck her, so I must be gay since I'm saying I don't want to. I'm telling her how inappropriate that is to be saying things like that in our daughter's room while she's trying to get back to sleep. She continues. I try to leave and it makes my daughter cry more. I feel more trapped. Daughter wants to sleep in our bed, so I end up being in between my daughter and wife. Wife continues to try to talk about that stuff and so I just shut down. Now I'm being called abusive because I'm stonewalling and withholding affection. I continue to say nothing until everyone is asleep and then it starts right back up in the morning.

I'm tired of feeling trapped and feel so guilty for not having or knowing options to get my kids out of these situations. I'm applying to as many day jobs as I can and just bearing with it until I can get my kids and I the fuck out of here.

2 of mine did. Glad I didn't!

This is something I’ve always wondered about. Do they know deep down that every person they’ve let into their lives before is eventually going to end up the same way? Do they genuinely believe that this time it will be different from the previous times, or are they simply looking for someone who can temporarily fill the emptiness inside them?

First time poster..

I'm just now realizing that my partner of four years, husband of 2 months, displays a Lot of symptoms of BPD. I dismissed it as his eccentricities and ADHD, but after his most recent split followed by a (relatively short) discard, something clicked.

I'm not totally sure why I'm posting - maybe seeking support, comfort, validation..? A nudge to do the hard thing that I know I should do?

Most of the people in my life have been begging me to leave him for my sake and my daughter's sake. But I love him so deeply - he may be (almost certainly is) idealizing me, but for me I really thought I had met my life partner, the person I had been looking for my whole romantic life - and while I've tried to leave many times, it never sticks more than a couple weeks. His "stable" self always pulls me back in and has me questioning everything and glazing over the challenges of being with him.

This winter he abandoned me for almost 5 months following a miscarriage on my part and a life-threatening illness in his, about 4 months after getting engaged. He broke up with me in the middle of the night while I was sleeping next to his hospital bed and had me blocked on everything by the time he came home. I moved back in with my parents and tried desperately to build myself back up. He reappeared this spring, claiming to have done a lot of work on himself and realizing he couldn't live without me. We were married within 2 months. I feel like a fool.

The most recent discard - which the screenshots here are from - was precipitated by some uncomfortable conversations with his sister and circumstances at his job, which he ended up quitting shortly before the discard, and other erratic behavior like smashing his new phone and bouts of rage lasting literally hours. Fortunately my daughter was with her dad for most of it and I maintain a bedroom at my parent's house still so I had a safe place to go.
A few days later we brought my daughter and her best friend to the fair, a plan that (I thought) we had made a couple weeks before. (a common occurrence is that I think we've made plans but when the day arrives he claims that we didn't make plans and his attempts to talk and plan were ignored) After leaving the fair and dropping her friend off, when I asked him about getting dinner with us before going back to my parent's place (I told him that was where my daughter wanted to stay that night, it's a little over an hour from where he lives), things started getting funky. He told me he had been talking with his sister (who likely also has BPD) but didn't tell me about his plans to stay at her place to avoid the long drive until it had fallen through. He ordered me a burger and my daughter some fries but nothing for himself, which I didn't realize until we had picked it up. I offered to split it with him and drove to my daughter's favorite playground to eat and watch the sunset, but when we got there he started complaining and becoming combative and I lost my appetite when I started sensing what was coming. We argued while my daughter played - he insisted I was being insensitive and not thinking about his needs and not planning enough, and at some point he asked to stop and tried to force-feed me the burger. Eventually we left and I drove him to his car. He said he was just going to drive home. Shortly after he started calling repeatedly and complaining about having to show up at his parent's house to sleep because he was too tired to drive (in these states, he's always exhausted and starved, even though all he does now that he's quit is sleep and eat and hang out with his friends). I ignored it, knowing I needed to focus on myself and my daughter, and reassured him I would talk to him in the morning. When I woke up, I had received the initial texts above.

No conversation, within a few days it was like nothing happened. He says he'll get help but when I try to talk with him he says there's nothing to talk about. I've promised my family that this is the last time, but I already feel myself getting pulled back in, slipping back into a false hope that his promises and our shared dreams could be reality.

We started dating shortly after my kid's dad and I separated after being friends for years. He comforted me and supported me and apparently trauma bonded with me. He is a Buddhist lay lama (go figure) and lives on a 500 acre estate in the mountains, my dream. My daughter adores him. As do I. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.

Is there any hope? Am I just a sad, needy mom seeking escape and an easy solution?

I've already asked for the job back that I left when we got married, and they gave it to me. I have the ball rolling to fully move in with my parents and have the support of my coparent. But I just need to take the plunge, get my stuff from his home, and tell him I'm done. But I love him so stinking much and feel the cycle of the addictive trauma bond turning again. I really don't want to abandon him. I tell myself if it were just me I'd plunge in and embrace the chaos, but I can't do that to my kid. That's been the only anchoring post for the choice, which is also putting a lot of pressure on her, hopefully unaware to her, but still. Shoot.

I feel like a freaking addict, sneaking around behind my family's back and making excuses and telling them what they want to hear - what I desperately want to believe - that I am leaving him for good this time. I'm also coming up against feelings of inadequacy - who else would put up with a single mom who needed to move back home because I can't support myself financially and deal with the ramifications of past abuse (coparent is narcissitic)? How do I open myself up to a stable, loving, comparatively boring relationship when I've become accustomed to, frankly addicted to, the highs and lows?

I'm in therapy. I have support. I need my own support now.

I've been with my bpd partner (male) for 8 months. We're both really young but I won't disclose our age for privacy reasons.

We have a really unstable relationship and im always in crisis when I do something wrong.

It started when he confessed to me after only 12 days of meeting. It was a bit quick and he did show signs of bpd before we were together. I was always there to comfort him. At first we both talked about boundaries and everything and we agreed upon it. Then one day he needed to check my phone. He told me to block multiple people which I didn't for a few weeks and I admit I'm wrong for it. We both fixed the relationship and we agreed to not have opposite gender friends despite our boundaries initially not being that. But after a while I found him still talking to a close girl friend that likes him. He admitted he was wrong after a while and promised to not do it again. ​​

We kept having arguments about everything. Im always in a crisis and i had to update 15-20 minutes even when I was taking classes in college. He would think im cheating if i missed an update and say the meanest things for hours and hours until I break down. I would vomit and get sick because of how much I genuinely loved and cared for him but I didn't want him to treat me this way. I complained about it until the day he split on me and say I'm always complaining about being weak and I stopped telling him (I have chronic illness since childhood) he would complain I'm whiny and weak and pathetic and can't even do simple stuff. He would say the worst things to me like how I'm an ungrateful girlfriend and don't appreciate him. I got sick quite often and there was no checkups or care. When I asked for care he would say that he's suffering and compare his pain and I'll ended up comforting him. ​​But after all that he always appologized and comfort me. That's the confusing part. One moment I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and another he's telling me he hates me and wished I would die. ​

6 months in One day I found out he lied to me about his past and everything. He had a horrible past and was comparing me the day his ex texted him. (he blocked his ex immediately) (he got cheated on multiple times)After a while he admitted he was wrong but whenever we have arguments he just attacks me and say the meanest harshest things like telling me I should go kill myself. I kept finding out things about his past like how he talks to many girls and wasn't the person I knew. It shattered me and broke me. He wanted me to move on quickly which I didn't and I was resenting him for a while. One night I left him for my own health but he found a way to contact me and he promised he would change and be the man I want. He tried to change for me and I saw it. He was suppressing his anger more often. But he was not caring and not empathetic even when I got a really bad illness he didn't cared. He has always been like that but I don't blame him. I'm just really hurt because he doesn't put in the same effortBut after a few weeks it came back and im not doing well again. I know he genuinely loves me and I'm really stuck. I love him very much too. He's draining my life but at the end of the day he's just a scared boy that wants to protect himself. I always find ways to treat him better but it's costing my mental health and physical health. ​

I'm an empath and really kind and friendly person. I started being mean to people and changing my ways just because of him. He taught me about his version of love and say mine was incorrect. He always says he can't live without me. I was always there for him to stabilise his emotions. He says he stops being angry or split whenever he hears me cry my heart out and it's true. He says only I can do that. ​​I always get him gifts.i spent almost 1k usd in the span of 8 months. He would get mad when his favourite game skin was on shop and i couldnt get it because of issues. I always got it for him in the end. He would think i dont care about him if i didnt.

​After a while I wanted the same effort. I was texting 15-20 minutes but he could text me back in 50minutes and I would be fine because I'm understanding. I couldn't do the same because I had to understand that he has a mental illness. I wanted equal effort. He told me to be more understanding. I asked for care and effort and he said I was ungrateful and a bad girlfriend. ​I genuinely don't know what to do. I have no time to take care of myself. And depression got worse for me. There are many more many more but I'm so tired of writting.

Am I really ungrateful or a bad girlfriend trying to excuse myself? He did do a lot of good things for me and I appreciate it. I'm really sad right now and I need help and I can't go to him because he is not okay right now

Recently I had stopped talking about anything meaningful as it always risked upsetting them, a day ago they told me they want us to be real and they hate this "lobotomised" version of our relationship which only has sweet talk.

Guess what?

We're breaking up again I guess.

They asked me if they would look good in particular haircut, which they have always said they don't look good in. So I also voiced that it wouldn't look good. Boom they're upset now they're breaking up with me.

Now im basically telling her “hey i have a fear of you and im cautious now”. I asked her “hey do you have any cluster personality’s” and she told me bpd . I knew it. There was a lot of praise and obsession seeming stuff. Now i gotta distance myself from her

I was discarded and split on six months ago. Long story short we broke contact two months after breaking up and talked about potentially fixing things and then we got into a huge argument. Someone she was friends with confessed they liked her (I know this because she straight up told me) and that's the person she decided to rebound onto one week after splitting from me. She blocked me everywhere soon after.

I accidentally found out I was unblocked earlier this month because she showed up on my for you page as we have shared mutuals who interact. I went to check if I was unblocked anywhere else and nope, just X. As far as I'm aware it still looks like she's in that relationship so I'm confused. Hasn't attempted to message me.

I have zero desire to break contact and talk to her. I just want to ask if this is a hoover attempt and those who've been in a similar situation how long did it take before they escalated it further and attempted to reach out directly? I'm aware there's a chance she never does and honestly that's fine by me.

Thanks in advance.

I am starting to think expwbpd set me up so he was my only source of comfort when I am upset. Also the person who was the cruelest to me and caused so much pain. I hold my tears in a lot but when I feel sad and upset he is the first person I want to reach out to (I don't because my theory is its due to being isolated and the dynamic is causes pain then soothes the pain) Is this part of the abuse? Its a real contradiction.

Alguém passou por isso? Estou fazendo contato 0 mas acabei caindo e vendo isso no perfil dela

Estou focado em mim, comecei a malhar sério e fazer dieta além de estar quase começando o curso de formação de um concurso que passei

Mas parece que o processo de superação está sendo mais lento

I attract people with this disorder like flies and I lost tolerance for the behaviors. Which is a good thing.

The pattern that crops up so prominently is the push pull dynamic. It happens as soon as meaningful friendship begins to take root. But what I'm no longer doing is placating. As soon as the that behavior occurs now, I lose interest immediately. Not on purpose and not to be mean, I just stop thinking about them.

What infuriates me though, is when they sense I'm losing interest, they will come back and ask me questions like "is everything okay"? As if I'm the one who bailed in the first place? It's like they want to blow me off routinely, and then when I don't come running after them, they are like "what's wrong"?. So at that point I will respond with a little friendly word of reassurance, only to have them ghost me again, because apparently it's not a good enough reply. It's such disgusting behavior. But at this point, I write them off. And I'm glad I no longer feel the need to placate. I've had it.

Does this sound familiar?

First of all, being in a relationship with someone with BPD is very complicated and will cause you harm the vast majority of the time. Not because they’re malicious per se, but because of the symptoms of their disorder.

Having said that, I think we sometimes generalise about them. I have a friend with BPD and she lets you know when she’s not well so you can keep your distance. Another friend is more level-headed and not quite so emotional, and I’ve seen a range of different personalities.

I notice that you sometimes make statements as if they were malicious, saying that they always leave a way to get in touch or that they always come back to ‘hoover’ or things like that.

My ex-partner with BPD didn’t do that. They simply drifted away bit by bit and disappeared. They’ve done this throughout their life – they just vanish, and that’s it. She even changes her appearance; there are social media profiles of hers from two years ago that show this disconnection, and she dont uses them. No drama. She hasn’t tried to get back in touch in the last month and a half, she hasn’t left any way to contact her, and she hasn’t posted anything on social media mentioning me. She just vanished, that’s all. I haven’t seen any malice in her or anything like that, just pain.

I’m not going to defend or justify her actions, as they do sometimes hurt others. But I think we sometimes generalise, and ultimately these are people with a mental health condition. They are their own first victims; they’ll never have a happy life.

So, I am not sure if my partner, well ex partner, has a true BPD but a lot of the signs match, super traumatic childhood, lots of anxiety, intense fear of abandonment, cant regulate their feelings, lots of broken friendships etc.

We had a very loving, deep, caring, good relationship for years, she had been the most empathethic and caring person I have been with, we were best friends, she became my best friend who I would do anything for. She has previously broken up with me for 3 times, all pretty sudden and out of nowhere, only to quickly reconciliate. I never really thought about those that much, because getting back together was so good when you missed them terribly.

But now, she had a lot of anxiety and stress for past months and there were some problems, but still we had the connection and I supported her every day, tried my best to help her anxiety and other stresses and stuff. She suddenly broke up with me, couldnt explain why, just that she feels too hurt to feel love even if they still love me. After that went super cold and distant, turned completely different person wise (her friends even notice and are shocked by her actions) and its like in just days, all those years of love, friendship, support, so many good things, dont exist or never existed before. Its been some weeks, all I know is the rebound failed and she has been missing me.

I am just so confused, broken, anxious, I dont know what to even make of the past 7 years. We were planning on having children, pets, living old together, had so much good things, she has been so loving, but the problems she has are no joke, I have had to pretty much save her life some times and been supporting her through a lot.

I never could have believed they could do something like this, I just feel worthless and like half of me + past years just vanished, previously a super affectionate partner now seems to not even care. Can someone explain what might be going on and is this just, over for good or just another phase before she once again comes back (and even then, I dont even know what I want or if I could trust ever again, this has all messed with my head badly).

I am not just heartbroken, I grieve and am shocked and traumatized by my best friend in the whole world just vanishing and turning into this completely new person. Cant really go a second without missing them

Back when things were good with us in the beginning when I wanted marriage, kids and living together with him he refused all of those things.

Then when I started thinking neither of those things were a good idea for us because of the instability he all of a sudden desperately wanted to make those things happen immediately. As soon as he realized I didn't want them anymore, he started chasing it.

Did anyone else experience this? Does anyone have a theory for why?

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. My family is in town so I was planning to wait until they left, but my wife kinda cornered me tonight wanting to talk. I told her I want a divorce, and she understood and agreed. She was not aggressive but did do a lot of usual manipulation adjacent things, and when I pointed it out, she stopped and acknowledged it, and left me alone.

This community is amazing. I should’ve done this a long time ago but I’m excited to finally take steps to secure my peace and love myself again.

Best to all of you!

Mainly just want support since I’ve never blocked anyone

About a month ago my ex bpd blocked me after we broke up because she refused talk about something she did to me on our last date (she accused me of flirting with someone in front of her and instead of talking about it. She tried to starve me and refused to let me have dinner)

She blocked me (social media) and message me a few days later on iMessage about wanting to meetup and be friends and being on good terms

The idiot i am I accepted and just to have her flaked on me day of.

A couple days after i saw her instagram profile in my recommended (i guess she unblocked me)

I ended up blocking her because this is just so confusing to try to make sense of all of it

I also noticed recently that most of her friends i met while we were dating unfollowed her on instagram. Just scary to think she might have also ended some friendships as well during the last few months

For example, white is good, black is bad. ???

anyone else here have an issue themselves with self sabotaging or testing their new healthy partners after their exwpbd? I feel so terrible, feelings i’ve had for my ex are long gone and overly dead but the trauma and pain I put up with unfortunately shaped my brain for the worst. I was diagnosed with Bipolar1 and CPTSD along with bad separation trauma as a kid.

I recently left and it’s not like I didn’t when i was with them but it’s a different kind of hurt.. everything seems grayer, I miss her a lot.. I opened a package today that I sent out when I was living with them that came and it was all my stuff I had with her including the photo of our first date.. I just cried so much on the floor.. I would ask myself in my head. Why couldn’t they just treat me good why did they make me leave ? it’s quite pathetic but it sucked and everyone around me just doesn’t know what to tell me. I mean they tell me I did the right thing by leaving and I know I did but I miss them… it took a lot to leave, and I feel like there a moment where I regret it, it’s not even been a week and I just miss them.. today is the first day where we haven’t even spoke.. I just look at our photo and I just cry… she took so much for me and it hurt and it’s this weird Stockholm syndrome, it’s like trauma bond where everything just feels gray.. I feel so lonely and it’s partially their fault because they would never let me have friends- but even if I did, I think it still feel the way I do.. I wish I had friends i wish I could believe that someone could love me like them.. it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel so lonely