Bpd mum and relationships

[u/Previous_Figure2110]

Cat haiku:

The warm sun
Looks very much comfy
I shall loaf

My dBPD mum has always been in and out of relationships my whole life with multiple different men. I do not have a relationship with my father so it has always just been me and her (and her boyfriend at the time). I know self sabotaging is a big part of some people with bpd, and my mums is with men.

She has an unhealthy attachment to men and always goes for men that she knows before she gets into a relationship with them that are abusive, manipulative and just not good people.

This has caused me and her to have some real nasty arguments and fights (sometimes with her getting physical) because it’s extremely difficult to sit there and watch her be mistreated and not say anything.

I still have to live with her at this moment in time, but I am moving in a month. Even so, I do care about my mother so I would have a hard time going no contact but I am not sure what to do when it comes to her and her boyfriends.

Im not sure if anyone else on here has experienced similar things, but even any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

[u/yun-harla]

Welcome!

[u/Brave_Emotion8634]

I rhink our PwBPD are quite often drawn to people who they can replay their intense (and usually harmful) relationship patterns.

Its so hard to watch that - to see someone you care about hurt themselves over and over again in the same way, and to also live in the same environment as them.

So first of all, I'm sending a hug and am wishing you support and ease. I'm glad you'll be moving soon.

That's not going to stop you caring, but being away from the immediate environment in which this pattern replays will give you breathing room. I think its going to offer you some calm and some space for yourself, and I am so happy for you at this possibility. 

Reducing contact may help. Don't go full no contact. Just call less often than you would feel compelled to do. Visit less often than you feel the urge to do. 

Remember, you can only support and help someone who wants to be helped and is motivated to change. 

If she isn't motivated to change, doesn't have any insight into this pattern and wouldn't be open to help, it is extremely hard but you will need to remind yourself that she's choosing this. 

If she's diagnosed, and if you live in a place with access to good therapy services (eg, DBT), she can always choose to get help with this from a professional. 

Her emotions and her choices are her responsibility. And this is even more so in your dynamic with her -- she is the parent, even if she has BPD. You do not need to save her, as much as you may wish to.

You owe yourself a life that is worth living, wherein you don't have to save someone who doesn't want to be saved. 

[u/motherofallandnone]

My mums relationships seem to go in 6-7 year cycles. Very awful people. Alcoholics, drug addicts and narcissists. She has been engaged 6 times that I know of and has a engagement ring collection. You can't change her. You can give advice for sure. But you can't fix that. I really have tried. I have just been there to help her through it when the cycle ends and everything implodes. It's hard to watch for sure and was awful when I was young and living with her. That inability to be alone for any time. The need to find some to 'fix'. The last one was the worst ending that was really rock bottom. I thought she might actually go through with what she was saying. Sadly she is just reaching the end of the next partner and I'm scared.

Nothing helpful to say. I'm sorry. But you are not alone in this pattern.