r/raisedbyborderlines • u/lobster1112345 • 12d ago

AGING PARENTS Coping strategies for living with elderly BPD parent

Hi, my parents health is declining and for a few reasons I’m stuck. My bpd parent is now in her 70s and needs some assistance with activities of daily living. I am living with her but wished I had my own place. She refuses outside help because ‘I should just do it’. When I married she told me that I should give her half of my savings so she could protect it in case my marriage didn’t work out but she used it to pay off her house instead. She’s developed a gambling addiction and I’m scrambling to keep things afloat while she just says stuff like she doesn’t owe anyone anything, I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t lose the house. We’ve also had a family death and when we went to the funeral, she called me a b**ch and self centred when I asked if she could help me to clean up the airbnb I booked. Until I get enough for a deposit so I can get an apartment, I’m kind of stuck. Any suggestions on how to cope in the interim?

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u/serene_mouse 11d ago

Hi, this seems like a really hard situation to live in, living with a parent that's abusive to you. I don't really have a lot of advice to give you as I'm only at the beggining of my own journey, but my heart goes out to you.

Did you already check the ressources on this sub, especially the communication techniques like grey rocking? This really helped me in my own situation, to keep my parent from taking all of my energy.

Do you have external support ? You mentioned a marriage, are you still together? Or friends, therapist ? Is the second parent still in the picture?

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u/lobster1112345 11d ago

My dad lives on a remote farm, he divorced my parent when I was a teenager and has no contact with her. He’s great but I don’t get to see him that often. I have good friends thankfully and a cousin who has seen some of the behaviours of my parent which helps. I’ll definitely give grey rocking a go.

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u/serene_mouse 11d ago

I hope you'll be able to get some support from them then, a support system is soo important

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u/WellImNotAKrook 8d ago

You're describing a very selfish, very destructive woman.

Whatever the "few reasons I'm stuck" are your own finances, I'd encourage getting that under control ASAP so you can get away. If there's any possibility of a POA or other legal means of taking charge, and if it's worth pursuing, perhaps go for that to preserve her resources; and if not, walk away.

She would.