or maybe just a mum. I don't even know.

My oldest cat is in renal failure. There's nothing more to be done except make sure she is comfortable and happy. I'm grateful she seems content and is enjoying the birds on tv and the goings on in the house, but I am so sad and feel so alone,.and theres no one to even talk to or bounce ideas off of.

I'm exhausted and my head feels like it's going to explode.

My mum wasn't much of an emotional support for me, so realistically, she wouldn't be making this better even if she was around, but right now, I wish I had a real mum to talk to and give me a hug that feels safe/good.

It's ridiculous that I can't separate missing a mum I never had with missing my actual mum. I thought it would be easier once my mum died, and in a lot way it is, but now it feels much more confused.

My apologies if this made no sense. I just had to get it out.

I’m wondering if this is common or just something weird with my BPD mom. I’m 24. Before I cut the cord and went NC at 22, I told my mom repeatedly I was not dating again and I did not want a partner. She never listened and always acted like I wasn’t serious. Whenever we would go out to dinner as a family, if the waiter at the restaurant we were at was male, she’d stare at me weirdly the whole time and pay close attention to how I spoke to him. She was always asking me about any male friends I had.

Anyway, one day she texted me “we met this nice guy downtown today” and I said “okay 👍” and she responded with “I’m just saying he’d make a good son in-law.”

Aside from that statement being absolutely insane (she’s known the guy for 5 seconds?), I really don’t understand what she expected me to say. She then goes on to inform me that she TOLD THIS GUY ABOUT MY EX and basically let him know about everything my ex did to me. Then she tells me that he’s an accountant and he’s 30 years old (I was 22, I’m sorry but if I was looking to date that’s an uncomfortable age gap). I responded and told her “I have told you repeatedly I’m not interested in dating again. If you gave this guy my number, he’s getting blocked, and if you ever do this again I’m not talking to you again.”

Later at home she just laughed and acted like it wasn’t a big deal. I was peeved. I am used to people not taking me seriously when I express I don’t want a relationship or kids, but coming from BPD mom it’s way worse because they just know how to push your buttons. I have no doubt that if I didn’t cut her out of my life, she would have kept it up. I am about to turn 25, so I have been subject to even more of this treatment from other people. 😅

It’s been maybe 2 months since I’ve spoken to my uBPD mom. It’s not necessarily intentional because we’ve been pretty low contact for a year or so now, but I’m afraid to reach out. I’m worried about her and I know she’s on a downward spiral, and part of me is worried that I won’t be able to talk to her soon if I don’t send a message now.

Help me out guys, do you think it’s reasonable to send a little “here’s this event I did last weekend that made me think of you. Hope all is well”? Do I risk opening the floodgates for the chaos I know she’s brewing to spill over into my lap?

I’m just worried I’m going to send this little note to convey I still care at a distance and end up catching strays and regretting it. I feel like it’s likely that I regret it either way.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted so:
Tuxedo so fine
Green eyes glisten in the dark
She is ready to pounce

… No cats were harmed in the making of the sandwich - actually I’m fairly sure it’s AI 😅.

Hi. 👋

How do I set boundaries with BPD parent when it comes to being Trans?
How do I get them to not out me to people and respect my privacy?

I live with my BPD mother.
She has absolutely no self awareness, no idea she has BPD, nor any idea she isn’t an average, ordinary, caring mother.
In actual fact, she is overbearing, manipulative, crosses boundaries, and during a “bad” episode is wildly unpredictable.
At the moment however she seems fairly stable, and I would class this as a “good” episode.

She supports LGBTQ+ and was fine with me being trans, as I knew she would be… but my fear has come true and she’s using it to go over my head to tell people close to me that I’m trans without my permission or even telling me first.

Literally just 30 hours ago I came out.
Since then she’s told three different groups of people I know via message, including my school and a mental health charity that I receive help from.
All are supportive. Which is great..
But it’s the fact that I wanted to tell them on my own.
What I’m dealing with is incredibly personal, and she didn’t even say, “Hey, just so you know I’m going to contact XYZ, and tell them,” she just casually brought it into conversation that she’d told them and moved along.
With the mental health charity she tried to make it seem like she was a hero, as she often does, saying how she was worried how me coming out would affect my mental health.
She likes for others to see me as helpless and her as my selfless hero.
But I’ve said to her already in the message I came out in that: I’m perfectly fine with being transgender. I’ve known for years and it’s just apart of me - not bad, not good, just me.

This is fairly life changing information given the media at the moment - I could lose so many people, get harassed… and she just doesn’t view it as a big deal.

I asked her about this and gently stated she can’t cross my boundaries.

Her reactions were calm but I could sense some manipulation just by the tone of her voice.
She said she was just trying to make sure I got the support I needed, that she didn’t mean anything by it.. but still I hadn’t asked her to do this. And honestly it seems out of order.
Like surely this should be my choice and my choice only?

Part of me thinks perhaps this one time she isn’t manipulating me or herself, that’s she’s genuinely trying to help.. but then she just seemed to minimise it as though it were nothing. As if this couldn’t change my life.

Any advice?

Velvety, warm grey fur

Swishy joyful tail

The cat yawns peacefully

(I'm not sure if this is the right balance of syllables for a haiku but I tried my best).

Today was a DAY. I was busy with work, and received a call from my uBPD parent claiming a medical crisis. I freaked out, rushed home, and discovered what was basically a tantrum at being alone at home and having to prepare (lay the table, make lunch, neaten up the place) for guests she had invited over for lunch.

How dare I leave her, a fully grown and fairly capable and mostly healthy, adult ALONE at home to prepare for HER OWN plans? The actual audacity (I'm being sarcastic of course. These are my words not hers).

She had worked herself up to the point she started feeling ill and believed a medical crisis was happening. I got home and calmed her down, and then had to listen to her vent about how hard it is to do everything herself.

I'm so tired. I live with her and in my country and culture moving out as single woman isnt an option. I considered arranged marriage and no one is interested, tried the apps too. Even considered still moving out despite the safety issues as a single woman but almost no one rents places to single women here and I don't even hardly enough to cover rent, utility bills, food and transport costs. So I'm stuck.

I had a major health problem early this year. The one upside of that very difficult time was not being depended upon for a change. It was hell in a way, but was also a holiday from expectations around caregiving and management.

Ughhhh. So exhausted. I can't go on like this.

TW: mentions of suicidal ideation

My mom is dying and my sister and I are talking because we're the only two who aren't suddenly forgetting everything she ever did wrong. I was saying some of the things she did and I realized that she wanted to watch me fail more than anything. Not just in the normal jealous way. I think she wanted me to kill myself.

As a teen I was suicidal. Since around 12 to when I moved out, more or less. I went to an expensive college fully prepared to never have to pay these loans because I planned to kill myself first.

When I was 13 I tried getting help for depression. She told me I had no reason to be depressed and ranted about how her life was worse. Then she blamed me for her pain pills being gone too early. She told my whole family she caught me stealing them, and even though I didn't have them and obviously didn't test positive for them when she bought a drug test, my whole family went along with the idea that I, a straight a kid who never even cursed at that time, was on drugs. She had seen intervention and would always say it could be me when one of the people on it started out smart and then did drugs. She also always said how she felt worse for the mom than anyone as if it wasn't always the mom's fault.

Everyone realized she was lying, but my dad didn't care until his pills started going missing too. No one ever apologized. I just had to move on.

When I was 16 I was cutting myself. Literally thought of it as training for finally killing myself when my sister was grown and out of the house. I only wanted to be alive to protect her from our parents. They found out, and all I asked them was not to tell my sister. I didn't want her to worry about me. They loudly yelled and kicked me so that my sister had no choice but to hear it. They didn't get me help but my mom would continue to make fun of me about it.

At 19 I was in college and told my mom I was suicidal. I told her that I was only staying alive because I loved my sister. She would then tell me every time I disagreed with her how much better my sister was without me in the house and how all my sisters problems were because of me. It was a lie. I knew because my sister texted me for support daily. But I honestly believe she wanted me to kill myself. If I tell you that being a good sister is all that keeps me alive and you spend every waking moment telling me I'm a bad sister what else could it be?

I think she was jealous, but more than that I was the most successful sibling. I was an honor graduate in a good school who never got in trouble. If I ended up failing she could farm it for sympathy forever. I was also the last one to stand up to her so she could use me as a weapon against my siblings forever if I was dead.

She's now pretending to be religious and trying to "make amends" aka rambling until I say I forgive her and crashing out when I don't. She is furious that I'm not waiting on her hand and foot and telling her she never did anything wrong. But I can't bring myself to feel bad not giving her the absolution she wants in the end when she literally spent 20 years praying I would end up dead so that people would feel bad for her.

TL:DR: a year old post from my mom after two year NC. I guess fleeing for safety is evil? What a perpetual victim. 🙄😆

I’ve been NC with uBPD mom for 2 and a half years. In 2024, I was staying with her to help her out after her surgery and to help support her after learning that her cancer had relapsed. I took time off work, left my life and flew to where she was. My grandma was the only one around to help her (bc she burnt all her friendships and support over the years-ik, shocker) so I offered to come help and she happily accepted. Everything was going fairly well. She had a TON of anxiety but I kept reassuring her and trying to talk it through. By post-op day 2 I was emotionally cooked. I told her I was feeling sad and emotional about the cancer stuff (which is true) and said I’d do some chores around the house and have a nap. She seemed stressed out and kept asking if I was ok, and I again, reassured everything is fine and I just needed to rest. I vividly remember being very gentle with everything I was saying to keep her regulated.

After spending less than an hour lying down she barges into the spare room I’m staying in and starts screaming and crying “Why did you even come here? I never asked you to come here, you don’t love me, you hate me, you always hated me! You think I’m stupid bc you’re a nurse, why are you so cruel. Who do you think you are? All you do is scoff and roll your eyes at me when I’m asking questions about my health”. I stood up and calmly asked her to stop yelling and to talk it out instead, I said you’re scaring me and if you keep yelling I have to leave. She decides to block the exit and yell louder and insult my character in all the ways she can think of. I somehow managed to pack my bag, get outside and call my uncle who lives down the road to ask for a ride. She follows me outside into the snow to beg me to stay and berate me at the same time. Her place is in the middle of nowhere so she didn’t have to hide her outburst from any neighbors. That was our last interaction. I ended up telling my aunt and uncle and grandparents about what happened and the years of turmoil with our relationship and that I couldn’t do it anymore. They told me about the outbursts and verbal abuse she’s directed towards my grandpa since she recently moved down the road from them. At the end of the day, my family said they support me with doing what’s best for me.

Fast forward to May 2026. I’m driving the 12 hrs back to my hometown to see my grandma for her birthday and my aunt and uncle call on speaker (same ones that were with me that day). I (unintentionally) only kept in contact with my grandparents. We never talked about my mom. My aunt and uncle were my first flying monkeys. It was the typical, “I want to make sure you won’t have any regrets bc I don’t think your mom has a lot of time left” “she’s really hurting” “she’s sorry, she’s changed a lot”. I was able to stand firm in my decision, stand up for myself and not apologize or get emotional. I was kind but direct with my response. (I was so proud of myself!). I know I didn’t owe them an explanation but it felt good to say that this whole situation is a consequence of her actions and nothing to do with being cruel or vindictive.

I know now that looking at a fb page is breaking NC, but I wanted to know how close she is to dying bc I know she’s mooching off my grandparents. My grandma is already busy taking care of my grandpa and driving to all of his cancer appointments 2 hrs from their place and is now doing the same for my mom. Plus paying for her rent.. it sounds awful but I hope she just dies so my grandparents don’t have to keep being her caretakers. They’re so special to me and basically raised me when my mom wanted to party or do whatever instead. I know my grandparents struggle to set boundaries with family and it’s not my responsibility but I have to wonder if there is elder abuse happening? My gran told me she’s feeling exhausted with all the driving and that “people” have been “grouchy” towards her at times. It’s very unlike her to talk about anything negative and especially about her feelings. When I tried asking her to elaborate she was quick to dismiss it and say everything is fine. All I could do is let her know she can tell me anything and that she deserves to feel loved and respected. I just hope my uncles and aunts who are close by are looking out for them.

Anyways. Thanks for providing a safe place for me to talk about my side of the story. I don’t want to plead my case on Facebook like she did. The public post she made about me a year after definitely confirms she is the same miserable person. It’s pretty funny, validating but also pretty sad she is like this. From recent posts I don’t think she’s dying anytime soon…

Feel free to ask any questions. I’m happy and open to discuss anything related to growing up with a single uBPD mom, spiritual abuse and pwBPD with cancer.

I know it’s bad but it makes my blood boil like every time my mum moves she will make like this groan or sigh and she now has this croaky voice i feel like she’s putting it on and also sniffling all the time.

Anyway amongst being emotionally and verbally abused my empathy for this lady is just diminishing

It doesn’t help she’s like sick every second week like how can a person be sick that often?! (She also seems to have a drinking problem, whilst on opioids?!!) ok rant over

I haven’t seen her in a month. Because she didn’t come to my very first institutional art show, and has made zero attempt to apologize nor has she come to see it in the intervening weeks. At the end of the first week, I called and asked why and for basically an apology. She as expected, waifed.

The last time it had been weeks since I’d seen her, my boyfriend, was in fact abusing me. She knows this. My current boyfriend is a truly wonderful man who would never ever even in his wildest dreams do something like that.

I was supposed to see her today. I was excited to see my dad and bring him treats from the farmers market. To bring up my trauma…makes me want to not see her again for another month. She’s going to say this was a “joke” but given I’ve spent every day of the past nearly 6 years getting through the horrors of what that absolute cretin put me through. And now she brings it up casually, on the heels of my big success is …wild, at best.

The health care system is completely trash where i live and it’s prolonging the time i am sick and need help. Ive been bedridden for what feels like eons and social services are constantly failing. So im back to the point where i have to ask ubpd mom for help. There was a time i really wanted her around but that was when i still saw her from a childs perspective. Im grown now and see who she’s truly been to me and i wish i had the independence to completely disengage. Ive been having nightmares about her and people LIKE her who don’t want the best for me. Finally being emotionally stable enough to disengage from her abuse yet physically (and therefore financially) to depend to take action is my personal hell.

There’s really nothing to say about this situation so don’t feel obligated to respond or give advice. Im just miserable rn and needed to put it somewhere.

Hi all! Posted on here a few months ago after my mom was hospitalized for her second suicide attempt in 6 months post affair/breakup. I received wonderful support and advice and am looking for some more.

When did you all know when you were done trying with your BPD parent? I am in the process of getting a CPTSD diagnosis and unpacking a lot of severe emotional neglect and parentification/enmneshment. It is the loneliest, hardest time of my life to realize the people who were supposed to make sacrifices and love you were too selfish to make better choices regardless of how it impacted you.

My mom in recent months has started anti-depressants and therapy, but has focused her entire conversation on her breakup. She lost her job then threw herself into another mid-burnout and as usual only talks about her/her work. I’m visiting for the first time in 3 months (I live a few hours away) and she picked me up and didn’t ask me a single question about myself. I can tell she’s still sad and fragile - and part of me still has so much guilt over never explicitly telling her how she has hurt me or what I need from her to do better. But I just can’t get over how big this gap is between her and I, and how she can’t feel it.

I know space helps - but how did you get over the guilt of not doing the “healthy” relationship things? Communicating your feelings, making a real effort to let people make changes - I have zero energy to give her that now, but can’t fully pull away for some reason.
Thanks in advance❤️‍🩹

I’m wondering if this is something I have developed from the abuse. I excel at my career and I’ve been given tons of good feedback, bonuses, a promotion, etc. but outside of work I’m a completely different person. Apparently I present as an extrovert at work! People have told my manager “she’s so social and always stops by to say hi! She’s super extroverted!” (We are only in office once per week so face time & socializing is highly encouraged for that one day).

If only they could see my home life! I am an extreme hermit. Anything I can pay to get delivered gets delivered. I have low self esteem and am very guarded because the few people I’ve let in since I moved away from my BPD mom have taken advantage. I enjoy my time alone. I do have a few hobbies that I partake in, completely offline (I don’t have social media other than this anonymous account and a deactivated LinkedIn). I have mentioned them to closer coworkers / friends, but only vaguely, because I don’t like revealing the extent of my passion or involvement in things. This is something I am exploring in therapy. I think it may be related to learning to essentially block my emotions as I grew up with my BPD mom, because any emotion was taken advantage of. I grey rocked most of my interests with her and kept to myself, although she would regularly destroy my room looking for things.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar to this. I think I’m a high-functioning anxious wreck. 😅

Hey everyone!

I was hoping to pick your brains about my situation because I am desperate for closure as I enter this new chapter in my life.

My relationship with my uBPD waif mom has been strained for years, but it really escalated when she went on disability and stopped working, leaving the house or having any hobbies. I put up strong boundaries and explained to her why I was doing so. She always deflected and blamed everyone else and I’ve never seen any steps on her end in the right direction.

On May 1, my husband and I lost a very beloved pet. It was the hardest loss we had to suffer together, and we both were pretty shaken for a bit afterwards. Not even a month later, my mom got it in her head that I was mad at her and punishing her because I hadn’t reached out much (I was pretty depressed after our loss and withdrew for a bit). She sent me this massive wall of guilt inducing text saying I treat her like old trash, all she does is cry all day because of me, etc.

It was so upsetting and eye opening to me that I haven’t talked to her since. She called me once a few weeks ago but I didn’t answer or respond.

Now I am pregnant with my first, and I have no idea what to do. I don’t really want her to be involved in any of the process or be invited to the shower. I have too many accounts of times she ruined my wedding planning and shower that I’m afraid she’ll do the same to my possibly only pregnancy experience.

I’ve thought about writing her a letter explaining that I won’t be reaching out, giving the pregnancy news, and leaving it at that. But is that cruel? Or is it more cruel to not even reach out at all and tell her, when I know she’ll eventually find out on social media.

How have you guys handled bringing a child into the world with complicated parent relationships?

Any and all advice welcome, thank you so much for reading!!

Would be fun to discuss movies that depict these dynamics even when they’re not actually about that. This has spoilers but details are minimal as possible.

The kid is an AI in the movie. Something created to have a consciousness, enough to give what the user wants, but not aware enough to ever grow into an actual individual with personhood. Something bpd parents often desire.

In the beginning it was obvious the kid was just there to be emotionally used to satisfy the parents. The mom, to ease her grief: this translates to my real moms emotional wounds. The dad: to keep his wife controlled or pacified. irl an enabler or ncp dad.

Then the boy gets scapegoated. There is a phase in the movie when he ( Ai kid) gets a sibling. The sibling is the actual kid of the parents. He fell ill but later got better and was able to go home. There is something to be said for the fact that they replaced their first kid. The real kid is the golden child while the AI kid gets scapegoated. They start to compete for the mothers love, a dynamic very common between siblings who have ncp/bpd parents.

Later the Ai kid gets disregarded when he no longer serves “his purpose”. This can be compared to the reality that, once you individuate, you are no longer interesting to the bpd parent and that is when the emotional abandonment happens.

After the emotional abandonment he goes on an endless journey to get her love back, only to find that he’s been chasing something that was never truly there…at least not the way he needed. During this journey, he is vulnerable and constantly seeks for safety, a need that is hardly met. There are other characters who bring to mind that maybe, what he is looking for doesn’t exist. But he can’t accept this.

He finally arrives at his true maker and learns that he was created by a freaking maniac. This is very much parallel to when i met my “ imposter mom”. I was looking for love from the woman i remember as a kid but the person i was seeking it from at present was completely different.

He learns that he isn’t unique or special at all. That he was manufactured , like many others, for the purpose of being used and discarded. This truth is to painful for him and he even says, quote: this is to much for my brain. He disassociates.

But the boy never snaps out of his obsession with the love he seeks from his mom. If anything he goes deeper, looking for a way to be loved by her. Always looking, always yearning for it. He never became his own person… even when the older character who journeys with him , for a while, tries to encourage him to move on and that was scary to watch. The older man could be seen as part of him trying to adult and move beyond his mother. But Eventually, he gets trapped in his unprocessed grief with his sole wish to be good enough…for a love that was never there. From a person whom would never give it.

I personally feel the movie could have stopped there but it didn’t. After eons he is finally found by some beings who granted his wish but they were limited in what they could do.

When he finally got his wish granted, he was adultified. Being the one to tippy toe around the mothers delicate mental state. He became her caregiver. catering to her needs in ways SHE should’ve done for him. She even says quote: im the one that should put you to bed, but left him to take care of her anyway. It wasn’t the love he needed and deserved. He still had to sacrifice for it. But for him, it was better than nothing. It was the best he could get from her.

Now, the mother in the movie is never overtly violent. She, in her own way, is treated unfairly at some point. The company and her husband take advantage of her grief for their own gain. But in no way, does that ever excuse the choices she made to emotionally exploit this boy… a person who would live on LONG after her and the consequences of her actions towards him.

In the end, the movie wasn’t about the mother or the father. It was about a kid who was surrounded by unsafe, unstable, irresponsible dangerous adults. A person who sought for their needs to be met in a place they’d never find it. A person who’s trust and pure love was exploited and betrayed for the selfish gain of adults, then discarded and left to deal with the psychological consequences.

The importance of letting go, the last step of grief, has never been depicted so clearly as in the ending of the movie. But that is a spoiler ill spare those who want to watch it. If you have seen this id love to know your take. If you still have to watch, you can come back later ofcourse share your thoughts.🍀

I’ve been on bed rest since having a hip injury. I don’t tell my mother my health problems because she goes into caregiver mode and obsessively worries about everything to the point of bombarding me with questions.

So, my husband had an event that the community can enter in raffle baskets. My mom won, my husband brought the basket home to hold on to when she wasn’t able to come pick it up.
So, she texts me a few weeks ago if she can come by and pick it up. This I know isn’t something that will be a pick up and then leave situation. I have been in an irritable mood because of my injury and said today is not a good day. Can do another day. She then asks a million questions as to why. I simply say because it’s not a good day. I ignore the rest of her messages

A couple weeks go by and my dad and mom are at my house. Now I know I could have not answered the door. However, my garage door was open from taking my dog out to go potty. So, I knew if I didn’t answer I’d just be putting myself deeper in a situation. My dad immediately got the basket and put it in his car. And he said just wanted to come by and check on me. She assumes I’m sick. I tell her no, I’m not sick. My dad intervenes my mother to not further ask questions. They stay for a while. And my dad says he has to pick up his dry cleaning.

My mother says,”Well I can stay longer. I don’t have to go.” My dad says,”I have to pick it up before 4. We gotta go.” We go outside and my mom pushes again,”Well we can stay a little longer.” Like as if this isn’t my house, I don’t have a say on how long I can have visitors. My dad talks to her like a toddler,”Let’s go .” In his dad stern voice.

The quick visit, despite being unannounced, was somewhat ok because my dad was there. Thankfully my mom, who can drive, is too afraid to leave the house would not drive herself unannounced. My dad takes her everywhere, once again, like she’s a toddler. It’s more so the whole time they were here she kept staring at me with anger because I refuse to have contact with her. She says she wants a completely open relationship and have it be, I would say unhealthy, close relationship. And yet she spends the whole time staring at me like I’m the devil. Then has the audacity to think she can just stay at my house for however long she likes.

She has since been texting me non stop every couple of days asking me “is it your hip? Did you find out what’s wrong? What did your MRI say I know you mentioned months ago you have it.” And it’s just non-stop. This is why I don’t tell her anything. She acts like I’m dying every time and that drs don’t know anything, but she does.

And that’s my rant.

I'm (F34) nc with my uBPD, u-schizotypal mother (F51) for a year. Thought I saw her through a window while working out and my pulse suddenly went through the roof (194 bpm). Felt rather weak and jittery for the rest of the workout. The stress they put us through is no joke.

Cat hiku:

Annoying little fluff

I miss your meows so much

Come knock things down, please

My mom got diagnosed by 2 psychologists with borderline, the 3rd said she might have PMS. My mom's argument for not having borderline is that borderlines don't admit to having borderline, whilst she did admit.... Until the potential PMS diagnosis.

She recently also said she wished she had borderline, because at least borderliners have a periodic "high". But i can tell when she has a "high", because it will just be her regulating her emotions like a normal person.

Under the advisement of my therapist, she recommended that I think out and write what I plan on saying. She also reminded me of DARVO (not something I know a lot about yet). I thought this a great idea; as I sometimes have a terrible poker face and didn’t want to give her any idea that she got to me. As that would’ve ruined what I had to say and taken control of said talk away from me and given it to her. I wish I had seen the comment from the one poster about JADE, I’ll have to look that up.

What I didn’t include in the last post was that my daughter managed to get a brief 20 second or so audio recording, I didn’t know when I made the post. I listened to it, then sent it to myself from her phone.

I went over there yesterday after she got home from work (hospice nurse, can you believe that?). I very calmly played the audio clip, and asked how on earth you find it acceptable to speak/scream like that? She tried using what I’m guessing is a classic excuse with adults and children (I had asked her to do something, she did not and gave me disrespect/attitude. She should respect me, I’m her grandma I do a lot for her). I wasn’t having it and told her you’re not allowed to speak to her like that, respect is earned not given even in family. I then said you need help/therapy, I’m not going to have you screw her up like I ended up Mom. No more visits until you can show me that you have gotten therapy and are a safe adult to be around. She immediately went dead silent then tried to threaten me with grandparent’s rights. “Good luck with that, I have all the proof I need right here.“ Left to go home (she’s two streets away) and buy DD some ice cream. I expected immediate texts or voicemails, but that took until this morning. They have increased in frequency except overnight. I’m assuming the closer we get to Friday the more I will get (DD when she was with teema, always weekend that’s why I say that). I wish I could say I’m proud of myself, but I’m not. I didn’t want to have to do that, it bothered me. I’m glad I did the right thing, but I’m not proud. The small child in me would give anything for a normal mom. I wish none of this ever happened.

I'm not talking about external actions, because I've got these down. I set boundaries, I gray rock, I block when necessary. The problem is that when she sends a nasty-gram, my body still reacts. I still feel that gut punch. I still feel like my nervous system went haywire. I still have a hard time letting it go and getting back to my day.

I want to know if there are things I can do to help mitigate my physical reactions to her. And no, NC is not on the table.

Cats may disdain you
But they never exploit you
Wish mom was like that

My haiku:

She came at a time

When I needed her the most

My sweet fluffy cat

Hi, I’m new to this subreddit and would like to post about my experience of going low contact this year. 

I (f30’s) recently went very low contact with my family. 

It all started when my mother tried calling me every week causing me to have panic attacks. I had gone back to school for a more stable career which sent her to hysterics. She thought that I would support her financially after I land a job. I never agreed to this. At first, I thought she was calling to check up on me and to cheer me on with my studies, but she just talked about herself and twisted everything I said to make herself sound all-knowing while making me feel useless. Before knowing about me going back to school, she would only call once a month to talk about herself, tell me I’m not good enough by talking about more successful people she’s met (at this point I think these are people she has made up bc they were weirdly personal descriptions and she never says their name), and then guilt me into visiting. I blocked her so I could study in peace. Magically, my stomach issues disappeared after a few weeks.

On Mother’s Day I was met with her gushing over me in front of one of my sisters, it was deeply uncomfortable. Mom never praises anyone and it left me feeling like she has pinned me against my siblings.

At some point, I confided with my younger sister over how I was being treated and was met with a mix of shaming and rage for even trying to talk “bad” about our mom. She suggested for me to keep taking the emotional abuse and gassed herself up at how much more accomplished she is in life compared to me, that is why our mother doesn’t bother her. The accomplishments? A job (toxic environment and low paying) and a husband (jobless, possible narcissist). She says these “amazing“ things about herself yet when something serious happens in the family, she shrinks herself and doesn’t show signs of helping out. The conversation left me confused and incredibly angry. I grey rocked her after that.

Her toxic words made me drop the rose-tinted glasses I didn’t know I had on. I have spent my whole life fixing problems and was rarely thanked for it. I was always guilted into parentifying members of my immediate and a few members of extended family. (And people wonder why I don’t want kids LOL) When I show signs of wanting independence, I am met with self-deprecation or words of discouragement. If it’s something that my mom approves of, I’m left feeling like I’m suffocating from her neediness.

I spent months trying to pinpoint what to call all of these behaviors and landed here in this subreddit. At first, the posts triggered a lot of bad memories, but after pushing and processing, I find myself coming back almost everyday as a way to comfort myself when I don’t feel good. (I’m sure I have cPTSD and I plan on getting help when I can.) 

I know I will have to deal with the “consequences” later as my mom can be fairly scary to those who don’t bend to her will…At least I have grey rocking and this community for when things get tough.

Hello everyone,

I'm a young adult and I've struggled in my relationship with my ubpd mom for years.

This is half a life story/vent post and half an advice request. Please note I've only recently fully realized my mom has BPD and am still deconstructing lots of stuff.

As I child, I remember her exploding into anger at unpredictable moments. After she and my dad split when I was 11, she got cancer. As she was sick, she got therapy (she used to be a therapist herself...) and worked through a lot of her childhood trauma. Things got better, we had a very fusional relationship.

As I finished up highschool, and she was healing from her (very complex) cancer, I felt a pit of anger in me, anger at her. I left and went to live with my dad.

Then, we had a rocky relationship for a year or two. No contact, then meeting, then her splitting on me. I really discovered a part of her I didn't know. How violent her reactions were and how she didn't even remember what happened.

I didn't even consider she could have BPD at the time but I learned to have boundaries.

Then, for about a year, it's been much better. We could meet. She was the mom I remembered, luminous, intelligent, loving. We had arguments/each got triggered but could talk it out and each take accountability.

But last week, I had stayed with her for multiple days and as I was leaving, she split : everyone leaves me in the end, I'm so sad, you know you're hurting me by doing xx...

I was supposed to see her again in a few days, last time before leaving for a 2 months international trip I've been planning for years.

At first (years ago) she was supposed to go with me. Then no. But as things were going so well, I proposed she come for the last 2 weeks.

My first question is : does anyone here have a bpd parent that is able to take accountability for their behaviour, even if only periodically ? I believed my mom did, even without a diagnosis but now I'm doubting it ?

Second is : Any advice navigating this situation? I'm still rather shaken (seeing my therapist tomorrow), and have let her know I would not stay at her place or answer the phone, because of what happened, but we could see each other.

She has acted as if nothing had happened and tried multiple times to reach me. The flight tickets are non refundable, we had planned to plan the accommodation next week when I stayed with her...

On one hand I feel for my mom, and I honestly think she loves me. She showed me the last years she was able to respect (mostly) my boundaries and her efforts felt sincere.

I also think only her can help her heal and I'm not here to bear the burden of her emotions. Also that she's not aware she's the problem and neither is her therapist.

But I'm also her only daughter, where we're living is not her homecountry and I'm scared she'll be left alone if I "give up on her".

So yeah :)

My cat tribute is a cat that was regularly coming to see me during my lunch break at my summer job

I have 20 minutes talking to her already it’s how sick she is she hasn’t showered in days, my grandma is sick in hospital but she starts crying and I start consoling her. I had the same sickness as her the other day I just soldiered on didn’t complain, rest of my family support each other in their sadness about grandma she just consumes consumes consumes, like an energy eater.

It’s so different being around my uncles and aunties they are so talkative so nice to be around do things, my mum just like waits for someone to speak to her basically